Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Worst, Most Awful, Most Embarrassing Story of My Life...

I know I said this week is Hospital Week, but I’m going to stretch “hospital” to also mean “doctor’s office”.

Okay so you know how I usually state how this is going to be another embarrassing story about myself and then I go on to type a funny little happening that caused me to blush at the time or even put my hand over my eyes and say to myself, “Wow. How awkward and weird can I be?” This is not one of those little funny quips. This is the Granddaddy of all embarrassing stories. This is the Big Enchilada, the Head Honcho, the Story to End All Embarrassing stories. I am pretty sure, like 90%, that I’ve never told this one to anyone. I mean even after drinking three bottles of wine with Davis Girl or downing Purple Margaritas made from Everclear with LSU Friend until they cut us off … still never told this story.

Also, tacos are not involved.

Here goes…

While I was in college I routinely went to the same doctor. I feel like I need to say that I saw her more than once because, just like hair dressers, I usually never go to the same one twice. I don’t know why really. I can get great medical advice or an awesome haircut and still never go back to that person again. I think it has to do with the fact that I am a procrastinator. I usually don’t go to the doctor until I’m convinced I’m about to die from Ebola or I’m about to run out of birth control. Also, I don’t ever get my hair cut until it has been 2 months overdue and I’ve had a crappy week at work and I just got paid. Magically those stars align about every 6 months. Because I wait and put off these appointments I usually spend an hour calling around trying to find some person (doctor or stylist) who can see me that afternoon.

My doctor was a young woman named Dr. Nguyen. I really liked her a lot. Davis Girl recommended me to her after she started seeing Dr. Nguyen about six months before my first visit. Davis Girl liked her because she was young and still really excited about medicine, gross illnesses, and curing people. At this time Davis Girl wanted to be a doctor and Dr. Nguyen helped her get a job as a tech at one of the local hospitals. I liked her because she explained procedures and medication in easy to understand terms, she was quick but I didn’t feel rushed, and she gave me lots of free samples for pills when I was trying to figure out something to help my back pain. (Turns out all I need is a bottle of Vodka and a large hot bath.)

For the Big Enchilada of embarrassing stories, I’m at Dr. Nguyen’s office one afternoon for my yearly pap smear and to renew my birth control. As I’m hanging out in the waiting room Dr. Nguyen’s totally hot boyfriend comes in the front door with her totally adorable dog. He introduces himself to me and then explains to the receptionist and me that he was out running with the dog and he got called into work and doesn’t have time to take him home, so he needs to leave the dog here with Dr. Nguyen. The receptionist says it’s no problem, takes the leash and hot boyfriend leaves.

10 minutes later I’m in the exam room with the tech/nurse lady (the one who takes your temperature and blood pressure) when Dr. Nguyen pokes her head in and asks me if it’s okay if her dog hangs out in my room because one of her partner's patients, who is in the waiting room, is allergic. I say it’s okay. She smiles at me and tell me his name is Ed and that he is very sweet. Dr. Nguyen then says she will be back very shortly once I’ve changed clothes. She and the nurse/tech/assistant person exit the room leaving only Ed and myself.

Being the dog lover that I am, as soon as the door closes I immediately crouch down to play with Ed. He comes rushing over, wagging his tail, and starts licking my hands. I pet him and talk to him and have myself a gay ‘ol time. The receptionist told me Dr. Nguyen and the Hottie rescued him from the shelter and I did see the Town Lake Animal Shelter ID on his collar. I also noticed that his full name was Special Ed, not just Ed.

After playing with the Ed for a few minutes I undressed and put on the soft white robes Dr. Nguyen has for her patients instead of the usual paper gown. (This information is not needed for the story but I always thought it was nice of her to have robes and not paper dresses without backs.) She knocks on the door and I tell her it’s okay for her to come in. When she enters Ed gets up from my side where he was sitting and goes over to her, wagging his tail. Dr. Nguyen pets him for a few minutes and we small talk until she tells the dog to go lay down so she can wash her hands and put on gloves.

We talk for a few minutes about why I’m here and how my back is doing.

Nothing weird happens.

She does a breast exam.

Nothing weird happens.

She has me do some back stretches.

Nothing weird happens.

Then she has me lie on my back so she can press on my stomach and feel my organs or something… I never know why doctors do this. Okay I mean I know it’s to make sure I don’t have giant Spleen tumor or to check to see that my Liver is in fact still there, but there is no point to do this to me because I am so ticklish. You know how three year olds are ticklish. That’s how ticklish I am. I laugh until I cry and sometimes I can’t breathe. Just like a three year old, you can look like you’re about to come across the couch to tickle me and I’ll burst into laughter. Now, I don’t know if you think this is funny or just sad that a 25 year old can’t control herself anymore than a 3 year old, but it’s true. Boyfriend even has strict rules about how and where he can touch me as not to tickle me. I know… weird. Yeah I get it. Back to the story…

Dr. Nguyen: “Okay, now I’m going to check to make sure your Intestines are still inside you.” (Or some other medical talk like that…)

Me: “Sure thing.”

Dr. Nguyen: Press… Press…

Me: (tying to hold it in) "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

This is when my appointment starts to go downhill. Although I can’t see this because I’m laughing up on the exam table, evidently my laughing has caused Ed to get extremely uncomfortable. Over my snickering and giggling I hear him start growling and get up from where he had been laying down all appointment.

Dr. Nguyen: “Ouch!!!! WFT!!!!!”

Me: (sitting up) “What? Are you okay?”

Dr. Nguyen: “I think Ed just bit me…”

Me: “Seriously?”

Yeah, my sweet little Doctor has just been bitten in the leg by her adorable rescue dog because she was tickling me. I quickly start apologizing for making noises like a rabid 3 year old, while Dr. Nguyen starts apologizing for her retarded dog. (Yeah, retarded. There is a reason his full name is Special Ed.) She stops my exam to clean her bloody wound and bandage it. Five minutes later, after a lot of “Wow that was weird” talk, my doctor is ready to finish my appointment. I should mention that she did ask me if I wanted her to put Ed in an empty room for the remaining time of my exam. Poor Ed was trying to hide in the corner, had his tail between his legs, and that look that all dogs get when they know they’ve done something seriously wrong. “Oh. Shit. I’ve seriously messed up. Why did I bite her? Why did I bite her?” You know, that look. I'm a big softy, so of course I said I didn't mind if he stayed. I mean he didn't bite me.

Five minutes later I’ve got my feet in the stirrups and Dr. Nguyen is… um… doing her doctorly thing down there, when I feel something brush by my feet. (Okay Time Out. Remember how I said I’m like a 3 year old when it comes to being ticklish and I giggled and laughed out loud when my doctor tried to do her job by seeing if my insides were in fact where they should be. Well, I’m like a three year old on crack when it comes to people touching or messing with my feet. I explode. I can’t help it. Something inside of me snaps and I can’t keep it together. Okay Time In.) Something just brushed against my foot. Then that something, which I can tell is very furry, stops under my foot and move his head back and forth causing his head hairs to tickle my feet. I can’t hold it in even though my doctor has her F-ing fingers inside me!!!


But I don’t just laugh. Oh God, if only I just laughed I could have said at the beginning of this post that this is just another tail of me being my awkward, weird self. But this is the story to top all stories, so no, I don’t just laugh. The dog’s fur makes me laugh so much that my foot spasms and jumps out of the stirrup and I knee my doctor in the face which causes her nose to start bleeding which causes her dog to freak out and start barking wildly.

(Yeah, go ahead and read that sentence again. I’ll wait.)

Fuck my life.

If you are waiting for a cute end to this story, there isn’t one. If there is an upside to this story, a very small upside, it is that Dr. Nguyen was done with my exam so I didn’t have to wait for her to stop her bloody nose and control her dog to finish my appointment. She left to tend to her nose, I got dressed in record time, and was out of there ASAP. I did have to go back the next day to get my new birth control prescription that I hadn’t waited around for the day before (because there was no way I was going through that ordeal and not getting anything out of it). Dr. Nguyen had left it at the counter and the receptionist practically threw it at me when I asked for it.

And I’ve never been back since.

And that just might be the worst, most awful, most embarrassing story of my life.


  1. I am trying SO hard not to CRACK UP and make all my coworkers wonder what I'm doing in my cube. Lord help you if you ever get pregnant and go through labor, with 3847234587284732948750 people touching you while you're also trying to push a baby out, lol.

  2. Hhahahah that sounds like me too lol. I would screwed to be examined like that

  3. I had a page of instructions to,prepare for an annual check up. Among other things it required an enema the day before. My wife said she'd do it. Too embarrassing so I refused. The doctor asked if I had taken the enema and when I told her no, she said make a new appointment. The day before my next visit my wife had an enema bag hanging in the bathroom. She told me to take my pants off and go into the bedroom and tell her when I was ready. I did. When she came in she had a good friend with her. She said Carol you know is a nurse. She will give you the enema and I'll just watch. Being half naked in front of two clothed women is humiliating. Carol gave me two enemas and made me hold them. My wife laughed as i squirmed to hold them in

  4. My allergist is a woman and she gives me a series of enemas twice every summer. I am in the usual open gown which covers nothing. She and her PA put me in stirrups. It's embarrassing and now I sympathize with my wife and her gyro exam. The last time I went, we were on enema #2 with my legs spread in stirrups and the nozzle in me when another PA opened the door to ask a question. I could see part of the waiting room so I guess they saw me while the PA stood in the doorway.

    1. If this took place in Nassau County, then you're right. I and a few others saw you, legs in the air and tube in you.
      Thanks for the fun.

  5. My wife gives me enemas for her fun but it's secret. My embarrassment came when I was not being given an enema. On a Friday night my wife had decided to give me an enema followed by great sex. As always she left the bag hanging in the bathroom overnight. Next day she was having two girlfriends over. We both forgot the enema. As I was getting ready to leave one of the women gave me a big grin. Later that night my wife told me Peg saw the enema bag hanging and I told them you needed an enema. Alice said she also gave her husband an enema occasion and Peg said she'd like to watch. Oh no I said. My wife laughed and said I told her she could help next time. I hope she was joking

    1. Was she joking or has her friend given you an enema?

  6. The most embarrassing moment is not mine but my dear husband's. I spank him usually erotically but sometimes as punishment. A few weeks ago I had him over a table, hands tied to table legs and in panties. I had just started his spanking when my cousin walked in. I forgot to lock the door. She began to laugh and asked to spank him. She spanked him on his flowered panties then pulled them down. When we let him up his face was redder than his rear. My panties were very damp

    1. Love it. Have you had her return

  7. I was with my husband, a teacher, when he went for a barium enema. A nurse came in checked his chart and took his vitals. She said someone would be in to give him an enema. He had to get on all fours, head on a pillow. A nurse or orderly came in and she gave him the enema. I got excited watching. A bit later someone came in with the barium enema. The nozzle looked big and he groaned as it went in. She began, then covered him and rolled him to an elevator to grow down to radiology. All the time the enema was hanging and going into him. He must have been embarrassed. He was in a hall outside radiology when it finished. She took it out and put some type inflatable balloon in him. The worst part was when he was taken in, one of the techs was a former student. The gown covered little to begin and nothing as he turned to different positions. I got hot and want to give him an enema.

  8. My husband had his annual exam yesterday. We have the same woman internist and I'm always in the exam room with him.
    It was the usual until the DRE. She wasn't able to reach his prostate. She took her fingers outbox him and she and her PA placed him in stirrups. Great sight. Then she said she clean him out first and had the PACgive him two enemas. After each one she put something in him so he could hold it as he squirmed. Eventually, she stood between his legs and did the DRE. VAish I could do that. She left him like that while she gave us the preliminary results of the exam. When they finally let him down I never saw him get dressed so quickly.

  9. I spank my husband . He must always wear panties. Two weeks ago we were going to my mothers. I told him my older sister may stop in. They don't get along. I warned him if he behaved badly I'd spank him there.
    Later she came over and sure enough he began. He ignored my warning. I told him stand up, take your pants off and get over the table, Whe he didn't move I said do it or we will do it for you. He took off his pants and was begging not to be spanked while stand in his floral yellow panties. Mom got a hairbrush and I spanked him. I made him stand up, take the panties off and bend over the table again. Mom said since he argued with your sister she should spank him. He was crying when she finished. Then he stayed over the table as corner time. Cohen we got home he was spanked again and told he'd get spanked if he needed it no matter who was around.