Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Bumper Stickers Are To Tattoos As ______ Is To Flying Toaster Octopus?

Yesterday I was walking to my car and I noticed these two bumper stickers stuck to the rear end of an old, white, Saturn in my work’s parking garage.
I actually noticed the one that just says “Twilight” before the other. My first thought was, “Oh is there a 14 year girl working here?” which gave way to, “I didn’t know this was also the parking lot for Hot Topic.” But, it’s the other that I think is truly horrible. “I drive like a Cullen”. Really old, white, Saturn? Why not have a bumper sticker that says, “I drive like a glittery virgin” or maybe “I drive fast so teenage girls think I’m dangerous and I’m creepily over protective of my girlfriend so teenage girl’s dads think I’m dangerous”.

Then I got to thinking about my own car how I have no bumper stickers on Yolanda’s (my car’s name) bumper. See I have this theory that bumper stickers are like tattoos, I’ve always kinda wanted one but I could never commit to something that permanent. Also lots of people have them on their cars but I only like maybe 15% of the ones I see.

So, now I have to wonder if the driver of that old, white, Saturn is this lady.

So let’s dig deeper into this comparison.

Case 1: The Funny Bumper Sticker
I like this. Every time I see this stuck to some Jetta or Civic I smile. This is one of those bumper stickers that I might buy if I was randomly looking at one of those displays of bumper stickers that rotate near the register of some local store if I had just come from happy hour and thus okay with spending 8 dollars on a sticker I know I’m not actually going to stick anywhere. If I was a teenage girl and if all my furniture growing up wasn’t antiques I would stick it to my bedroom’s vanity mirror. It’s funny. So is this guy’s tattoo… I like Harry Potter and I like old school Nintendo and Mario Brothers. Plus the fact that Mario is dressed in the raccoon suit is awesome because if you’re playing Mario 3 you totally want that raccoon suit. But, just like “Republicans Vote for Voldemort” I’m not permanently attaching an Italian dude dressed like a raccoon to my neck… or my car.

Case 2: The Long Worded Bumper Sticker
I get it. Whoever would put this on their car is trying to be funny or maybe ironic, but then again I don’t get it. Because after the first line I’ve stopped reading and I’ve moved on with my life and gone back to watching the street while driving and because it wasn’t funny or mean or sad or just really random I’ve completely forgot about your bumper sticker. So what’s the point?

I about died when I saw this tattoo because unlike the bumper sticker above, I will never forget this tattoo. So many things come to mine when I see this.

One, YOU CAN’T HAVE A BIBLE VERSE AS A TRAMP STAMP!!! I mean I get that I’m not the most religious person out there, but even I know that God and Jesus and Elizabeth Taylor aren’t going to just step aside and let you into Heaven when you are standing outside the pearly gates because you turn around, lift up your Abercrombie shirt, pull your Juicy sweatpants down, and bend over. FAIL.

Two, this is the Bible verse I (and every other little sister) had to read at my sister’s wedding (and ever other sister’s wedding). I happen to be horrible at reading out loud. I always read to fast and skip words or make up words and pronounce other words incorrectly. I hate doing it. So, of course my sister tells me the day before her wedding that I have to stand up in front of all her guests and then read this particular verse. On the day of the wedding I panic midway through and completely lose my place in the passage and skip/make up half the “loves is…” of 1 Corinthians 13.

Three, who actually reads this tattoo in its entirety? If someone comes up to me and wants to show me their tattoo and it turns out to be this, I’d be all, “Love is Patient. Love is kin… oh that’s a cool tattoo I guess…” Your body is not a Kindle. Cut it down in size people. Besides couldn't this girl have saved a whole lot of money, space on her body, and vastly reduces the amount of pain she went through by just getting 1 Corinthians 13 tattooed instead of the whole verse?

Case 3: Being Scary
Here we have a little difference between the bumper sticker and the tattoos. The bumper sticker just announces to the world and other highway travelers that yes, you should be freaked by the presences of my monster truck because yes, I am terrifying. While the tattoos are just that… terrifying.
(I don’t think this one needs more explanations…)

Case 4: Drinking is AWESOME Bumper Stickers
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE DRINKING. Give me the option between and fresh healthy smoothie and a giant 3000 calorie Margarita and I’ll take that tequila concoction any day. But, drinking and driving… not so awesome. Can you just imagine having this sticker on the back of your car and pulling up at a red light between a car with a MADD bumper sticker and one of those white crosses covered with fake flowers on the side of the road. Wouldn’t you feel like a jack ass?

You know what else isn’t cool. Drinking and tattooing.
Girl readers, have you ever done your make up a little buzzed then gone out and someone took your photo only to past it on Facebook the next day? Then when you look at it and right before you “untag” yourself you have to wonder why you ever thought fake eyelashes were a good idea and who talked you into the bright pink sparkly lipstick? Up that feeling like by 1000 when you drink and tattoo.

Case 5: All Over Bumper Stickers
Just like when I’m stuck in crazy, rush hour traffic I want to be behind this car, if the second coming of the Great Depression happens I want to be stuck behind this guy in the five hour line for apples and bread.

Case 6: Stupid, Dumb, and the WFT Bumper Sticker
Sometimes words aren't needed. What more can I add to a bumper sticker that says "vagina full of centipedes"? Just like what more can I say about this tattoo...

Oh, and this is the only thing I have on my car. I figure because it’s silver and shinny it’s more like jewelry than a tattoo…

6 comments:

  1. I have this:
    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41D%2BbrXGQqL._SL500_AA300_.jpg

    Don't hate.
    Mine's like a henna tattoo though- magnetic. I'm chicken.

    ReplyDelete
  2. you have that entire thing as a tattoo???

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  3. Yes...?
    "MAGNETIC"...on the car.

    (Though, I do have a tattoo of my car on me? So, I COULD add that...)

    PS- I would not know what a "Cullen" was. Obviously some Lemon reads those Twilight books, too.

    PPS- I'm too lazy to sign out of husband's account. SO, HI!
    - Jess

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  4. I love this entire post. What happened to getting a thistle tattoo? I always thought that was an awesome idea. :)

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  5. Awesome bumper stickers! I am really amaze with the tattoos. I couldn't imagine the pain they felt. I can't barely having tattoos even a small one.

    ReplyDelete
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