Camping!

Last Friday I packed a small bag full of sweatshirts and sweatpants and a large cooler full of vodka and tequila, lifted and shoved my giant dog in the car, picked up a friend and what seemed like half REI’s camping equipment and heading to Georgetown Lake for some outdoor loving, outdoor sleeping, and a lot of outdoor drinking.


Camping

I learned A LOT this past weekend…

1. Always camp with multiple Eagle Scouts. Seriously, need an axe? Oh, Matt has one. Need an amazing Pot Roast made for dinner, Sean’s got it. Eagle Scouts at the campsite – winning all around.

2. Cold means cold. On Friday when we arrived at the park it was 95 degrees. I was in shorts and a tank top and flip flops and I was hot as shit unpacking the car. I knew it was supposed to get colder the next day, so I packed some warmer clothes, but at 4PM on Friday I could not fathom what “cold” meant. Wait, I take that back… I could fathom “cold” because my beer was cold, very cold, and it tasted delicious. I could not imagine or remember what “being cold” felt like. That was until I woke up on Saturday morning and the temperature had dropped to the low 60s. Okay, and I know what a lot of you are thinking, “low 60s – not that cold”, but I live in Texas. Low 60s, damp, and overcast equals really freaking cold. I wore two pairs of pants all weekend, and wouldn’t put my gross, kinda static-y hair a ponytail because it was keeping my neck warm.

3. Jennifer looks adorable when camping.

4. Sarah and I – not so much.

5. For some reason the toilets at the campsite were really high off the ground. So high that when I sat down my feet didn’t touch the ground and I felt like I was five. It was weird. Not quite as weird as Friday night when, even after careful instructions given by Sarah, I couldn’t successfully pee in the bushes.

6. Next time when camping, always bring double the Bloody Mary mix. After running out of Zing Zang on the first morning Sarah improvised by serving Sean, Courtney, and me the following drinks…

Vodka rocks with a hint of tomato

Vodka rocks with essence of tomato

Vodka rocks de la petit tomato

Seriously, a lot of Vodka for 9AM.

7. When camping the menu should always include pot roast, breakfast tacos, beef fajitas, and penis pancakes.

8. No one believes you when you say you’re going to take a nap and then actually take a nap.

9. The best thing to wake up from said nap hearing, “panty bottoms”.

10. Evidently Philip does “stuff” in his sleeping bag.

11. When you spend the night roasting marshmallows and then go to bed (or pass out) without washing your hands you will wake up with what seems like dirt cemented to your fingers. It will then take you three hours to realize the dirt is there because you couldn’t stop playing with your roasted mallows and/or feeding them to your dog.

12. George Michael isn’t very “outdoorsy”. I gave him 30 minutes before he was bleeding, but it was more like 10. (from his foot – nothing serious) He had a whole lot of fun playing with Reba and Wink (Courtney’s 7 month old Boxer), but didn’t quite understand why Leo, Remi, and Mia (Puggle, Beagle, and Pug) wanted nothing to do with him. Also, he got really cold at night and shivered in the dark because he didn’t like the camp fire. When we were packing up on Sunday afternoon he stood at the end of his lead crying and crying because he didn’t want to be left behind. He’s been sleeping ever since.

13. Wink gets a little freaked out when she is left in the tent by herself. So freaked out that she jumps through the screened window, because it’s scary in the tent by herself.

14. It’s hard to catch fish when a super excited Muppet named Reba is running, jumping, and swimming in the water you are casting your fishing line in.

15. I know I’ve said this a lot lately, but I have amazing friends. Amazing friends that set up an entire weekend of outdoor fun and then don’t let me put in money for the tent site and food because I’m unemployed and once upon a time that friend was unemployed as well and people were really nice to him. Thanks Jen for organizing everything, just like you always do, this past weekend was great and perfect and I had a blast. Thanks Sean for passing on the karma by paying for me.

Philip and George Michael standing gaurd of the all the chairs

Food, a Pug, and Drinking Games

Sleepy Mia

Sleepy George Michael and Wink

"Don't ride him... lots of people try to ride him"

Sean making yummy, yummy food

Edna doing what we do best

(Thanks for letting me steal the photos.)

Meat Eating Plants, Modern Literature, and What This Says About Me...

The first gift I ever got from a boy was a Nolan Ryan baseball card.


In high school I got a lot of T-Shirts that were previously owned by whatever dude I happened to be dating that week, which I’m pretty sure is a pretty normal “I have no idea what to get my girlfriend for Christmas/Valentine’s Day/Her Birthday” boy gift. It was when I left High School when things started to get weird.

Now, I’m not saying I’m the best gift giver in the world. I’m also not complaining about the gifts I’ve been given. I honestly do think it is the thought that counts. Kevin used to surprise me with Lush bath balls all the time and I LOVED them. Eliot would pick wildflowers like Mountain Laurel and bring it to me when we lived in separate cities. If anyone thinks of you and likes you enough to go out of their way to buy you a gift or make you a present or bring you something that they know will brighten your day – that is a person who cares. So, again, what I’m about to write is not meant to be taken in a “bitchy ungrateful” girl way. I’m just trying to make a point. A point about myself…

Two gifts really stand out in my mind. Actually two gifts that I’ve been given by two completely different men. Neither knowing the other had previously bestowed these presents my way. Which makes me really want to look inside myself and ask, “Exactly what about me screams carnivorous plants and Chilean, Trotskyism literature”?

The Venus Fly Trap.

I received my first Venus Fly Trap from Eliot my freshman year of college. Maybe he thought the small apartment I shared with Wes was so ugly and gross that the only thing that would make it better was a plant to help eat the bugs? I’m not sure. I named him Manuel and he sat in the light from the tiny window that was never clean in our galley kitchen. Manuel probably would have survived a little longer if it wasn’t for me always touching his small leafs to watch them close up around my finger or maybe the end of a pen that was in my hand. Manuel sadly passed away and I’m pretty sure I was never given anything else alive from Eliot ever again.

I was gifted my second Venus Fly Trap, Paco, from Kevin about a year or so into our relationship. I came home from school one day and there Paco was, sitting on my kitchen counter like the ghost of Manual had come back to haunt me. Paco was a little larger, but other than that he looked and acted complete like my former meat eating sundew. I was determined to keep Paco alive. This time I wasn’t going to fail my little green friend. You know and people wonder why I don’t want children. I mean besides the whole kids weird me out and annoy the crap out of me (except my nephews – they rock) I CAN’T EVEN FEED A PLANT ENOUGH TO KEEP IT ALIVE! I would be the worst mother ever.

Rest in Piece Manuel and Paco. This is why I only buy myself cut flowers. You can’t kill what’s already dead.

Robert Bolano.

Robert Bolano is a dead Chilean author. I’m not going to go into his whole Biography (if y’all can find my little blog I think you can probably figure out Wikipedia) but he’s pretty “good” in the since that he won a lot of awards, is “critically acclaimed”, died tragically young… you get the point.

The first Bolano book I read was The Savage Detectives. I honestly had no interest in reading this book. I saw it one day at Book People and glanced at it and put it back on the shelf. I thought that this would be my last interaction with Mr. Bolano, but no. No day I was home with Kevin doing who knows what while Kevin was reading The Economist. (Yes, I could write a whole post about how hilarious it was that my Ex read The Economist so much my parents bought him a subscription one year for his birthday.) Towards the back of the magazine they have two pages that every month are devoted to the arts. Kevin saw that they reviewed The Savage Detectives, positively, and from that moment on he was on a mission to get me to read that book. No, he didn’t want to read it. He has no interest in sitting down and digging deep into a story about Mexican Poets and the grotesqueness of border towns, but (damn it!) he was going to force me to read it.

And I did.

And I kinda hated it. I mean it’s not a bad book. It’s not a bad story. Its extremely well written and well translated, but even I have a threshold for how far I will go(or I guess read) just to say I finished a book. It took a lot to finish this book.

I thought that finally completing The Savage Detectives and breaking up with Kevin would have been the end of my tumultuous relationship with Mr. Bolano, but no. About a month or so ago, Rolando was at my house for the first time and checking out my book shelves. I guess I should have burned the evidence of me every having read Bolano because as soon as he saw The Savage Detectives on the third shelve from the top he started talking. Here the thing… every book that I own means something special to me. I would sell all my clothes before I could sell my books. I love them all… almost. Really Rolando? You want to talk about the one book on that whole shelf that I really kinda, sorta, absolutely HATED.

“Well, yes, I read it. And although it wasn’t my favorite… I mean it was beautifully written… and um…” – While the entire time I’m really thinking, “Ick that horrific book.”

I thought that would be the end of it. I thought leaving my apartment about 10 minutes later would be the end of my relationship with Robert Bolano. But, I guess if breaking up with Kevin couldn’t get the South American out of my life neither could pushing Rolando out my door and away from my book case and the shelf third from the top. Why do you ask? Because of the extremely thoughtful, extremely adorable plastic bag I had waiting for me on the bar table when I saw Rolando next. He has been out of town for about a week and had brought me back a present. Nice guy right?

Hello Robert fucking Bolano.

Hello the book that he told me he couldn’t even get through the first four pages.

Hello the next few months of my life as I slug through this.

Oh, and I don’t hate it… In fact it’s kinda good. Damn it.

I am not Mexican... Or Israeli... Or Greek...

Let's get personal.

This is me.

My name is Elaine Haygood and I'm white. I say this because my heritage seems to come up this time of the year in conversation a lot. I hear it all this time. The same questions, the same comments.

This is my sister.

Yes, my biological sister.

Here's the thing. I tan really easily, but even I can look at these photos and think the same thing. "How are these two people related?" My background is English Scottish and English French. No, I'm not Mexican. No, I am not Italian. No, I am not Iranian or Syrian or Middle Eastern of any kind. I don't say this because I have anything against being Panamanian or Israeli. I say this because people find it so crazy that I'm not some kind of "tan people".

When I was in college I took so many Jewish Studies classes that I could have minored in it. (Yes, I know this is weird. Take a look at some of my old blog posts.) In every class every professor and Jewish kid thought I was from Israel. Like not one or two - everyone. Then I would let them know that I was actual and Episcopalian English girl but hey, I would get down with a Mazel Tof or two... and they would smile a nervous, weird, "wow you're awkward" smile and walk away.

When my parents lived in Miami everyone thought I was Ecuadorian. Not Columbian. Not Cuban. Not Argentinian. Only Ecuadorian. I would walk into restaurants and shops and everyone would start speaking to me in Spanish. This isn't too crazy since no one in Miami speaks English, but it's weird when after you tell people that you don't speak Spanish they immediately look at you and say, "but you're Ecuadorian, right?" Again, not once or twice BUT ALL THE TIME!

I made the mistake of telling my old roommates, Lyndsey (Davis Girl) and Matt, that I was conceived in Greece. This is a true story. My parents and sister were living in Athens when... well you know my mom and dad really loved each other and they realized they could make an even more perfect version of my sister... so I came to be. When my sister was born she had blue eyes and blonde hair. I was the complete opposite. I came out with red skin and over an inch of black hair. My roommates took this as my mother had a little tryst with some Greek man before moving to England where I was born. I don't think I'll ever live my "Greek" heritage down with them.

I have olive skin. I tan really easily. End of Story.

Elaine's 45 Most Favorite Song Ever... EVER

The last time I went home to San Antonio to see my parents and my sister, brother in law, and nephews I learned that Justin (Brother in Law) as an iTunes play list of his top 50 favorite songs of all time. I love this. I thought this was genius. I mean what a great way to not only express yourself but to have people learn about you. One of my most favorite reasons I love art is anyone in the world can look at a painting or hear a song and see something or hear something completely different. Yes, we are all viewing Monet's lilies or listening to the Beatles sing about some kid named Jude, but that art speaks to us all differently.

So here is my list and a few explanations. Please don't judge me too harshly...

Elaine's Top 45 Songs Ever - in no particular order
(I decided to save a few for a rainy day...)

Umbrella - Dog's Eye View
High - Feeder
Fortunate Fool - Jack Johnson
Rolling By - Robert Earl Keen (Um, it is really hard to just pick one favorite REK song. Half my list could have been from this man. Others that could have made the list are The Road Goes On Forever, The Back Porch Song, and Shades of Gray)
Love Interruption - Jack White
Summer Romance - Incubus (AKA the "Anti-Gravity" song. Matt introduced me to this song junior year of High School and it has been a top ten ever since then.)
Loving County - Charlie Robinson
The Killing Moon - Echo And The Bunnyman (I say them perform this live a few years ago at SXSW and it was AMAZING. This is one of the very few songs that no matter how many times I listen to it, if it comes on my iTunes I will never skip over it.)
Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Hide Me - Hayes Carl
Next Girl - The Black Keys
Don't Change - INXS
Send In The Clowns - Frank Sinatra (Not only has this been a favorite of mine for more years than I can remember but it's also the favorite of Switters the main character in one of my favorite books)
Redemption Song - Bob Marley
MLK - U2
Yesterday - The Beatles (I'm not a huge Beatles fan - just ask Maria - but I love this song. I used play the violin in a local orchestra in San Antonio. We had monthly concerts and we almost always played Yesterday at every show. Sometimes we would invite a local singer to accompany us and other times it was just us strings. It didn't matter. I always thought it was beautiful.)
Mississippi - Bob Dylan
Nights In White Satin - The Moody Blues
Graceland - Paul Simon
Paul Revere - Beastie Boys
Knights of Cydonia - Muse (This song is fucking genius. I love it.)
Paper Planes - M.I.A.
Say Yes - Elliott Smith
Lost Cause - Beck
Forget Her - Jeff Buckley (This is either the saddest song ever written or the most perfect I can't decide. Either way Jeff Buckley is amazing and it's a tragedy that he died so young and so sudden.)
Clumsy - Out Lady Piece
Acoustic #3 - Goo Goo Dolls
Light My Fire - The Doors
California Dreaming - The Mamas And The Papas
Elaine - Todd Carey (Look there aren't a lot of songs written about girls named Elaine, but this one is a good one.)
The Dreaming Tree - Dave Matthews Band
Conquest - The White Stripes
Diamonds On Soles Of Her Shoes - Paul Simon
Best I Ever Had - Gary Allan
Charles Takes A Walk - Bargain Music (Charles Fischel has such a soulful voice that sets him apart from all the other stoner, Southern California, alternative bands. They might be my favorite band.)
Too Little Too Late - Slightly Stoopid
Be Your Husband - Jeff Buckley
I'm Free - The Who
Black - Pearl Jam
Kissing You - Des'ree (Wow! Simply beautiful.)
Swan Lake Act 1 Scene 2 - Peter Tchaikovsky
To Love You More - Celine Dion
Falling In Love Again - Eagle Eye Cherry
Casey Jones - Grateful Dead
Comin' Up From Behind - Marcy Playground

I fully plan on a blog post soon explaining my long absence and my return to the world of having the internet, but I thought this was a more fun to ease my way back into my blog.

Oh, and please don't be too harsh.

How I Met Sarah's Sister and Cars on Fire and Running into Trees...

Yes I know. You don't have to make feel guilty. I know I haven't blogged. F off. I wish I could let y'all know that I don't have cable and the internet at my house because I'm conducting this very important social experiment and I refuse to let technology dictate my life... But who am I kidding? I would love to be sitting on my ass all day everyday watching My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding marathons and texting friends about the last Real Housewife Scandal. I'm just too lazy to have someone come fix my internet so I cancelled it.

But today, readers, I'm stealing a computer and the internet from Sarah FOR YOU!

You're welcome.

So, let me tell y'all whats been going on in the past 3 hours.

Sarah's, my oh so fabulous work wife and very good friend, sister is in town and to be really nice (i.e. use Sarah's car all day) she offered to pick Sarah and I up from work. So, here Sarah and I are, sitting at our desks at work, working super hard, saving pets lives and whatnot... you know what we do everyday... when all of the sudden Sarah looks at me and says, "Um we need to leave like now because Carolyn just texted me that my car is on fire and stalled infront of the Driskill."

Um, okay...

So that's how I met Sarah's sister. Instead of it being over margaritas on Cinco De Mayo, which I had hoped, it was outside the Driskill on a Monday afternoon while Sarah's car sat smoking on the street.

In Sarah and my ifinite wisdom, we decided that driving her smoking, stalled car to my car would be an acceptable if not fabulous idea. Yup, until it ceased to work at every stop sign and Sarah would have to grind the engine five times to make it start again. However, we did make it across Lamar and almost to my car before Yoshi (Sarah's car) completely died. It was a sad moment. There the three of us sat on the corner of 9th and Blanco, Yoshi smoking, and Sarah on the phone to a tow company.

Here is the great thing about Texas, everyone that drove by stopped to make sure we were okay. Here is the annoying thing about Texas, everyone that drove by stopped to make sure we were okay. As Carolyn noted if we were in Michagan (where she is from), or really most other state, people would have speed by laughing and pointing. I'm not complaning about people being nice but IT WAS EVERY SINGLE CAR! And then, who would come to our rescue? The firefighting hero with the baby.

Fireflighting Hero With Baby: "Y'all need help."
Carolyn and I: (for the 57th time) "Nah, we are good. Thanks."
Firefighting Hero With Baby: "You sure because I'm a firefighter and I see people rear ended all the time when they are stalled on streets. In fact this one time I saw a guy's legs torn off when he got caught between a stalled car and another that ran into it."
Carolyn and I: "Um..." (seriously what do you say to that?)
Firefighter Hero With Baby: "It looks like you need some water or tranmission fluid. I can help. Let me put the baby in the house and I'll be right back."
Carolyn and I: "Wait? What? Are you talking some man language we don't understand?" Luckily for us, he was out of ear shot when we said these super smart, impressive words.
Me: "Carolyn, seriously do you think he is really a firefighter, because I know this neighborhood and if he is a firefighter than his wife must be a lawyer."

He ended up being a really nice guy who, after... I don't know punting his baby into his house or something, came back outside and drove (or coasted) Sarah's car around the corner and out of the small stop sign intersection we were stuck at. After he did this he looked under the hood of poor dead Yoshi and said, "Yup, I think need water or transition fluid. Would you like me to add water so you don't need the tow?"

Sarah: "Thanks but I know there is something wrong with it, so I'm going to go ahead and have it towed. I mean I just don't know anything about cars... my dad was a lawyer and at some point I had to help him change a tire.
Firefighter Hero (now without) Baby: "Okay, well if y'all want to wait for the tow truck at our house we just live the two doors down. And I completely understand about the lawyer thing, my wife is one."

Me: (to myself "BAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG don't look at Carolyn. Don't look at Carolyn. Don't look at Carolyn..."

Cue Firefighter Hero (now without) Baby: exits...

Me: "Holy Shit!!! Did you hear what his wife does?"
Carolyn: "I couldn't look at you. I couldn't look at you."

At this point we just have to leave. The tow truck won't be around for another 80 minutes or so, so we decide (as any normal ladies our age would) to go have drinks and garlic bread at Rounder's Pizza. We walked the 3 blocks to my car and then drove back a block to the pizza place. Our reasoning was that if the tow truck called early saying they were they at the car we could quickly jump in the car and race the .5 blocks back to Sarah's dead 95 Avalon (luxury sedan). I had driven home to my parents in San Antonio last weekend so all the back seats were down in my car and covered in George Michael hair. Since we were only driving all of .4 blocks to the pizza place, I asked Sarah and Carolyn if they minded just squeezing together in the front seat. Ovbiously they love each other and this is totally okay.

And so we start driving. And Justin Beiber's Boyfriend came on the radio and I was so happy...

And then we pulled into Rounders parking lot and I really wanted to take a photo of Sarah and Carolyn, because it's usually me in the weird awkward positions, but this time it wasn't. This time I've got some ginger on ginger action happening in my front seat and who doesn't want photographic evidence of that?!?!?! So, I'm pulling into the parking spot and I tell them both to sit tight and don't move because I want to take a photo of this. They're all, "Okay take our photo. We love eachother."

And then I do just that. I take out my phone, open my door to get a better a photo shot and all of the sudden MY CAR STARTS ROLLING FORWARD VERY QUICKLY INTO THE SHRUBS/FENCE/GIANT OAK TREE INFRONT OF THE PARKING SPOT!!!

Me: "OMG what?!?!"
Sarah: (still with Carolyn on her lap stuffed in the front seat of my car) "Park! The car is not in park!"
Me: "HAHAHA!!!! What? Wait! Hu?"
Sarah: "It's not in park! Put it in park!"
Me: "Crap! It's not in park!"

Moral of the story is I did get it in park. I didn't crash into anything... well expect some shrubery. But I was dying. Literally tears were rolling down my cheeks. I haven't laughed so hard I cried in years. I almost peed my pants. Like, I'm 27 years old and I was scared I was going to to have to drop my friends off and go home and change my pants.

This is how I met Sarah's siter for the first time.

And here, for your enjoyment, is some photographic proof from the night...

Sarah all sad face about her car that was on fire - acording to the firefighter and I feel like he is an expert in the subject of fires.

Sarah and Carolyn sqaushed in my front seat as I ran into the fence. I mean how can you even take your keys out of the car when it's not in park?!?!?

Oh, and me - enjoying Texas rain and blogging on other people's internet...

Defending My Dog, Jon Snow, and Other Failed Writings

My blog has become all about baby steps. Back in the day when I had 4 hours to spare at my old job I wrote so much! Not only did I post 4 or 5 times a week, but I wrote these long thought out narratives with back stories and dialogue. Yup… Not so much anymore. Lately all my blog ideas have either been lists or random thoughts that are too long for a Facebook status update, but not long enough to fill an entire post. So, in case you miss the old Lemons Lemons Lemons or if you are questioning my ability to write (which to be honest I kinda am) please go back and read some stories from this time last year.
 
Or you can just enjoy a few lists and random rants below.
 
Last night at 9PM I took George Michael out for his last walk before going to bed. (Yes, I go to bed early.) As we are strolling along his favorite patch of grass he sees this woman with her lab/shepherd thing… dog. Anyway, GM starts going crazy because he wants to go say hi and I’m holding him back telling him to stop being an asshole and trying to get him to turn the other way, when the lady yells out to me (she at least 40 feet away), “Do you run with him?”
 
Do I run with him? No, I don’t run with him. A – a huge reason I got a Great Dane was because I didn’t want an active dog. I don’t like to exercise. I am not a jogger. B – he’s a GREAT DANE! After a half mile of jogging with my dog he would pass out from a combination of heat exhaustion, hip dysplasia, and extreme annoyance that he isn’t being allowed to lay on his bed and eat his new favorite toy while occasionally glancing at a bird or two outside.
 
“No. We don’t run.” This is all I say because I don’t want to be a bitch and I get it… she might not know a lot about Danes and their lack of love for forced exercise.
 
“Well you should. Big dogs need to run.”
 
Really? Are you lecturing me about how I take of my dog  from 40 feet away while I try to get him to poo before bed?
 
“My dog and I always walk by your window and see your big dog and he always barks and jumps around. Big dogs need to run and get out.”
 
At this point I’m standing in wet grass in my yoga pants and tank top taking crap from this bitch and her ugly dog when I should be picking up my dog’s crap so I can go to bed. I’m not in a good mood.
 
“Intense exercise, like running, could cause my dog to become geriatric before his time and cause me thousands of dollars in vet bills to replace his hips and knees. I also don’t appreciate you letting your dog tease my dog at my patio window. That seems very cruel that you would be okay with getting a dog all rowdy when he is inside and obviously cannot come out to play.”
 
I win.
 
Holy Crap! Can we please talk about how AWESOME the HBO series Game of Thrones is?!?! I’ve read the books and now I’m almost done watching the first season and I LOVE it. Like really. I want to marry Jon and be Dani. In my mind the person who said they would date me in the comments of my previous post. - “I’d totally date you… but it would be awkward.” – Yeah, I’m 97% sure the bastard Jon Snow wrote that and no Jon, it wouldn’t be awkward it would be so right…
 
Last weekend I saw two people I haven’t seen in 10 years. The first was this guy I’ve known since, well technically I think my freshmen year of high school, but I don’t think I ever really talked to him until when I moved back to San Antonio for my senior year. He convinced me in English class that year to read Dante’s Inferno, and I appreciate the random Hemmingway quotes he will post on Facebook. Also, his dog is kinda adorable. Oh, and while I was at his house on Friday his freezer was stocked with a huge box of those Freeze Ice Pops. Yup. They made me happy. I mean not that I wasn’t happy to see Kyle, but who doesn’t get super happy to see an old friend AND get Freeze Ice Pops?
 
On Saturday I saw my friend Nathan who I’ve known since 8th grade ever since a friend’s birthday and an argument over a pink miniature golf ball. What I find interesting about seeing these two people is learning about their lives since my last interaction with them. Especially Nathan. Sometimes we, as people, get so caught up in our own lives that you forget there are people all around you dealing with things that are just as exciting and fabulous or as shitty and ridiculous as your problems and situations. Think your last relationship sucked? Well talk to Nathan. Think you had a crazy time last weekend? Well talk to Kyle about waking up in nothing but a short plush bathrobe and a gun holster. People amaze me.
 
And because I can’t seem to write anything that doesn’t have to do with my new found singlehood… I think it’s funny how single people bond really fast. Like everyone who I know who is single or even people I just randomly meet who are single and then find out that I am as well, well there is this immediate bond. It’s like, “Wooh! You’re alone? Me too! Let’s be best friends forever now and take shots!” It’s like I’m being inducted to this new club, except it’s like being inducted to the 99%. We are all a part of it, but everyone wishes (either secretly or not) that they could join the 1%. It’s not like that when you are in a relationship. People are catty bitches and assholes when they are in relationships. Instead of the instant sisterhood or brotherhood there is instant resentment with other people in couples. Why? Because when you are in a relationship you automatically think that no one in the world has that special something that you have with your significant other. No one has ever been in love like you two. No one has ever wanted someone they way you do. No one has ever been “floating in the clouds, punch drunk twitter patted like you”. Whereas when you are single EVERYONE can relate to your fucked up Ex, that horrible blind date your “friend” set you up on, and those horrible, horrible drunken nights when you made all those mistakes.
 

My Singlehood: The Highs and The Lows

So in my last post I talking about weird things that single girls who live alone do. (Or at least weird things I do – I guess I shouldn’t speak for all singles out there as I know there must be some normal ones somewhere.) I’m now going to simply concentrate on the first part of that new classification I’ve found myself a part of.
 
Single.
 
As in one.
 
As in alone.
 
As in “ALLLLL BYYYY MYSELLLFFFFF”.
 
I’ve never been single in my life. I mean pretty much that is a correct statement. I’ve had two serious boyfriends in my post high school “adult” life. So, in the past 10 years I’ve been in two relationships that have lasted 9.5 years. This “being single” this being “young, wild, and free” thing is COMPLETELY new to me. And to be honest I don’t think I’m doing too bad. So here is a quick rundown of my singlehood – the highs and the lows…
 
High – Turns out I’m not so awkward that no one wants to ask me on dates!*
Low – The first guy to do so was annoying as all getup and a completely creepy dude that used to be on my kickball team who asked me out 48 hours after Kevin and I broke up… and he totally knew Kevin and that we had just broken up. Good thing Michelle was there to laugh in his face. (We are both going to Hell.)
 
High – I went to a party and made out with a cute guy!
Low – He was, well… older. (But still cute I swear!)
High – Sarah convinced me to go out with him and I did a few times and had a really good time.
Low – He blew me off and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m chalking it up to good dating experience and him being, “just not that into me”.
 
High – I get my whole bed ALL TO MYSELF!
Low – Sometimes I crawl onto my dog’s bed and spoon with him until even he gets annoyed with me and starts sighing really loud and trying to roll me off him.
High – I just got his balls chopped off. Ha! George Michael you will never win against me!
 
High – I can eat where ever and whatever I want to eat. (banana peppers, jalapenos, cheese… anyone?)
Low – I have to pay for all my food myself. I really miss multiple dinners out a month at restaurants like Paggi House and Olivia and 34th Street Café.
High - I can watch whatever movie I want to (What? Lots of people watch Mean Girls and Heathers 4 times a week…)  
Low – Somewhere deep down inside of me I know I’m getting dumber watching and re-watching movies with quotes like the following...
                “Alyssa, I’m sorry you’re a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re gap-toothed” and “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw”
 
High – I like to flirt.
Low – I usually end up saying something nerdy. Like really nerdy. Like I bring up Agatha Christie characters or I tell them really long stories about how in 7th grade my girlfriends and I used to make all the boys in our classes carry our books to are next class because somehow I thought that story related to what we were talking about but in the end I just couldn’t make the connection and he got a really weird look on his face.
High – My nerdiness is super-hot!
Low – Too bad no one believes that but me.
 
*This is a huge deal. HUGE!

 

Single and Alone - A Look Into My Rediculousness

Recently Alaine posted a link on my Facebook page to a list of things single girls do. Needless to say I found it quite hilarious. However I believe some actions were left off this list. I have never been both single and living by myself in my life, so this situation is very new to me. Not only do I not have a significant other to try to be normal (or at least not completely creepy or gross) in front of, but I don’t even have random roommates to act my age in front of. Pretty much I can be as weird and obnoxious as I want to. Really, as long as I every now and then throw my dog a bone, he doesn’t even care.
 
Things Single and Living By Herself Elaine Does…
 
1.       I constantly paint and repaint my fingernails. Really, I probably do this 3-4 times a week. I think it’s become a relaxation thing to me. Yeah… that’s what I’m telling myself because I feel like it could quickly turn into my eating disorder or cutting. You know, when people become anorexic because food is the one thing in their lives they can control. I’m not saying my life is spiraling out of control, but it doesn’t matter what angry email I received at work or what boy didn’t call me because I can paint my nails St. Tropez Sea Breeze damn it!
2.       Sometime when I wake up in the morning I have some left over mascara crumbles just below my eyes and I’ll use a makeup wipe to remove them, but I don’t want to waste the whole wipe because I only used like 10% of its cleaning power and those things are expensive, so I’ll shove it back into the pack with all the nice and clean and not dirtied up wipes to keep it fresh.
3.       I don’t own a full length mirror. Don’t think I haven’t set up the timer on my camera and just taken a full length photo to make sure that those shoes really do go with that dress. (Come on! I have no one to ask!) Besides if I learned anything from Cher in Clueless it’s to never trust mirrors and always take Polaroids.    
4.       I have had more than one dinner that consisted of pickled banana peppers, pickled jalapenos, cheese, and Tecate – all straight from a can or jar.
5.       One day I found out that I had drunkenly downloaded a Linkin Park cover of Dust in the Wind by Kansas... wait for it, it gets worse… one night (completely sober) I listened to it on repeat and turned up as loud as I dared with so many neighbors and jammed out to that tragedy for at least 45 minutes.
6.       Although it kinda creeps me out when my giant dog pokes his head past the shower curtain when I’m showering, I also love rubbing water on his ears and then watching him frantically trying to lick the water off because I need entertainment when I'm shaving my legs.
7.       I’m 97% sure that at this very moment there are at least 3 Rotisserie chickens in various stages of being consumed on the top shelf of my refrigerator and they are all expired and inedible.
8.       I make my bed every day. However, don’t ask how often I’ve washed sheets.
9.       It’s completely normal to watch an entire season of Sons of Anarchy on DVD from Friday at 6:30PM to Saturday 11:00AM, right?
10.   I put my makeup on and do my hair while sitting in the sink. Yup, it’s exactly like it sounds. I sit on the edge of the sink with my feet by the drain. What’s really ridiculous is sometimes in the morning I forget to put my contacts in because I’m sitting so close to the mirror I don’t need them in to get ready. So it isn’t until right before I’m about to get dressed and I’m unfolding myself from the bathroom counter when I realize I can’t see shit and now I have to try to shove my contacts in my eye balls – AFTER I’VE ALREADY PUT MASCARA ON! Fail. Usually on these days (about once a week) I just end up wearing my glasses.

Being an Adult - FAIL

So after driving over to Sarah’s house to mooch off her Internet to download the new version of Mac os 10.5 so I can download iTunes so I can sync my new phone so I can function like a normal human being once again and continue to be a positive member of society, I decided to write a quick little blog because let’s be honest I’m probably not going to fix my internet this week. Oh, you didn’t know my awesome new internet is already broken.... keep up readers. Evidently if my dog’s penis isn’t bleeding it’s my internet committing suicide just to piss me off.

So besides the not having the internet, I also don’t have cable. Right now I’m sitting at Sarah’s bar in her kitchen watching The Bachelor. I’ve seen all of 14 minutes of this show and well, readers it turns out I’m not a complete because those bitches are CRAZY.

Look at me functioning in the real world...

I’m not on a TV dating show fake writing vows for a fake wedding even before he fake proposes.
In stead of drinking 7 days in a row, I’m sipping on water. (Mom and Dad be proud)


However things happen where I feel like I’m taking three steps back...

I’m super pissed off about not being able to use my NetFlix on my wii right now to finish watching the first season of Sons Of Anarchy. I’m completely having with draw symptoms from not being able to lust over a greasy biker dude selling some guns. What is wrong with me?

I’m 27 years old and bought brand new bedding from a real adult store that didn’t start with “Tar” and end in “get” only to forget to buy new sheets. Green duvet cover with aqua sheets are being rocked on my bed right now...

Oh, not to go back to the fact that I’m watching this crazy train wreck of a TV show I’m watching, but some chick named Courtney just said how scared she is to get close to the fugly bachelor dude because she’s been hurt by guys and doesn’t trust men. Chick please! You are not special. You are not interesting. You are nothing exciting. You are not an individual snowflake. I hate when girls make dumb commits like this. Obviously you have been hurt and don’t trust dudes. You know how I know that... you’re fucking single!!! Seriously, show me a single girl that doesn’t think this. Show me a single girl who hasn’t been hurt or creeped out or “betrayed” by men and I'll show you a big fat liar.

2 hours later...

I think I'm SOL. My computer is so old I can't update to the new version of Mac OS which means I can't download the new version iTunes which means I can't sync my new phone which means I no music on the new phone.

I fail at being an adult...

Bad Decisions Lead to Celluloid Catastrophy

Since I'm pretty much broke until my next paycheck (thank God that raise will be kicking in) my fun nights out have been turning into fun nights in. Friday night I spend 3 hours setting up Netflix on my Wii. Stop judging! I hadn't used my Wii in a long time and had a whole bunch of updates on top of the facts that A, I'm not good with any type technology and B, it just seems like anything that is suppose to be easy right now for me... not so much.

Last night my fun night in turned into a fun night in with Sarah. We decided to make dinner (i.e. I picked up chicken from HEB and she cooked the meal) and watch movies. Although, I brought over Congo which might be the best worst movie ever, we decided not to be total nerds and find something On Demand instead.

We first settled on Friends With Benefits. Now, I'm not going to lie or embellish the truth or throw Sarah under the bus. I totally was 50% of making this movie choice. I had a very mathematical reason to pick this movie. It went a little something like this...

Reasons for picking Friends With Benefits...
5% wanting to watch something I had never seen
3% wanting to watch something Sarah had never seen
17% remembering that the previews did make me kinda chuckle
29% knowing that I would probably get to see Justin Timberlake's butt
35% WOOD HARRELSON IS AWESOME
40% I have a giant girl crush on Mila Kunis

(I don't know if that adds up to 100, but hey, I was a liberal arts major.)

It was okay. There were parts where I laughed out loud and then there were parts that were totally predictable and made me remember why I don't like romantic comedies. But, on top of this I learned that maybe watching two beautiful people be all neurotic for 95 minutes only to end up all happily ever after is not a good idea when you just broke up with someone and you still remember what it feels like to be in love but you hate yourself for remembering and you kinda wish there was someone else to push those memories away and fuck Mila Kunis because you could spend 30 minutes doing your makeup and it still wouldn't look as good as her "I just woke up after screwing the hottest member of NSYNC all night" smokey eyes. FUCK! And my girl friends wonder why I've never seen The Notebook.

Then came our choices for movie number 2.



(Please note that it's "I Am Virgin" not "I Am A Virgin" so I'm thinking it must be about a holier that thou cave woman...)



That last one is a little hard to see. It was called "Walk a Mile In My Pradas" which I sure is the lesser know version of Walk The Line where June Carter goes to work under Meryl Streep, but uber bitch Anne Hathaway is fighting for her job and then Johnny Cash turns over in his grave and dies again.

But that's just a guess.

We decide on Drive. This is how we collectively came to this decision.

3% we had both never seen this movie
15% LOTS of people had said this movie was absolutely fantastic
163% it stars Ryan Gosling.

I'm pretty sure that one equals 100%...

So we watched Drive.

All of it.

And I'm super sad because I'll never get those two hours of my life back.

Wow! That movie was horrible! Like really horrible. Like what is wrong with humanity where some people think it's not only okay to make this movie but it's also okay to tell other people that it's good. I feel like this... There is a David Cross standup sketch where he's talking about how he's been an Atheist for a long time and he remembers being in synagog as a kid and hearing about God and angels and whatnot and looking around at all the other people there and being like, "Wait? You don't really believe all of this do you? God smiting the first borns... angels coming down... where are the unicorns?" That's exactly how I feel about Drive! Seriously? Did I watch the same movie everyone else watched? How did other people sit through that piece of shit and have the nerve to talk it up as one of the best movies of the year. I mean, I know people who were angry that it wasn't up for an Oscar. Also I know people who were angry that Ryan Gosling didn't get a Best Actor nod. Are you kidding me!?!?! He said all of 9 words the entire movie and for the other 2 hours and 13 minutes he was making this face...
Oh, making that face and wearing two jackets. The first was a classic straight out of 1987 slightly puffy, members only jacket with a scorpion on the back. And the second was a denim jacket so tight and so blue I'm convinced the costume designer picked it up from the girls department of Target. And then sometimes he wore them together... at the same time...

Things Sarah and I could have been doing for those two hours instead of watching the dumbest movie of the year?

1. Thinking up the best new invention of 2012 so we both could retire to the beach
2. Sleeping (seriously a better use of our time)
3. Going out to bars like normal human beings on a Saturday and meeting our future husbands. Sorry future Mr. Haygood I really wanted to meet the man of my dreams but instead I choose to watch Ryan Gosling smirk at me and drive around wearing a cowboy tuxedo for 2 hours.

FML

The Second "First Post" and A Conversation With Myself.

I really wanted my first post back from this long brake in blogging to be a funny, awkward, “oh shucks Lemon Lady”, haha story. I really did. I started writing two of them, and eventually they will come to furition and they will become blog posts, and well I think y’all will laugh because I think they are funny. However, this isn’t one of them.

Sorry.

I started this blog because I was stuck going to work everyday to an office I hated, to do a job I hated. I was throughly depressed during the day, so I decided to do something about it. I decided that I needed to be creative. Instead of spending 8 hours a day being missirable and doing nothing (oh, did I not say that... yeah I did NOTHING for probably 6 and a half of those 8 hours) I decided to start a blog. Then I got real nervous about actually putting myself out there and letting people read what I write. Then I seriously had to practice telling Kevin (Boyfriend) that I was going to start a blog because even though I knew that he would be nothing but excited for me and supportitive, that is how my crazy mind works. Because deep down there was this little tiny thought that whispered to me, “what if you tell Kevin and then you fail at this or you stop after two posts and he thinks you are a loser or a failure?” Yes, this is how my messed up mind works.

But, one day a really funny thing happened to me in the parking lot of a P F Changs on my lunch break and I bit the big bullet and wrote the story down. Then after emailing it to a few friends and getting some positive feedback it became my first blog post. I finally had a creative outlook in my life and blogging made me really happy.

Then I got a new job and although I really liked blogging and writing and telling embarasing stories about myself, I didn’t really need this blog anymore. I was no longer super bored and super unhappy at work. I have a really cool job that I love and that keeps me very busy all day. I tried to blog a little here and there last summer when I first started, but well... you know what happened. I stopped. I didn’t want my blog to become something I did because I felt obligated to do it. I didn’t want to sit infront of a computer screen and have to rack my brain to think of something mildly funny I could write about because it was Monday and you have to post on Monday. (At least thats what all the "make your blog successful" articles say.)

Well, hello blog. I’m back. I’m back because I need you again. So, here goes... Kevin and I broke up.

Yup.

Wow, I thought this would be easier to write.

We broke up. 5 and a half years later, we broke up, and now I need my blog again. I need to write about funny, frivolous events that happen to remind me that he wasn’t my whole life. I need to write to create a cocoon for myself. I need to write on this blog, so I won’t spend every night wondering in words where the past 5 and a half years of my life went in my journal. I need to write so maybe I won’t feel “okay” anymore. I’m very over feeling, “okay”.

So this is my apology to you blog and to you readers. I’m sorry for using this blog for my own therapy. I’m sorry to stringing you, my readers, along for months and then quitting on you cold turkey style only to come running back to you a few months later when my life goes to Hell. I’m sorry that this isn’t funny, and I’m sorry that this isn’t witty. I’m sorry that I’m going to ask you to look beyond my faults, because God knows I have plenty of them, and jump back into a relationship with me and my little website. If you’re in, I’m in.

And just because I can’t help myself and I have to do something a little fun and a little “not so depressing”, here is a Q&A.

Blog: So, Elaine, tell us, are you going to pussy out and quit on us again or are you going to put on your big girl panties and keep this blog up?
Elaine: (Yes, my name is Elaine... moving on) Wow, blog. Way to ease me back into this. I really don’t want to quit again and I’m going to try to be diligent and keep this up. Promise. Does having a box of half eaten Girl Scout cookies on my stove right now make me "scouty" enough to say "Scout's Honor"?

Blog: How are you?
Elaine: Okay...

Blog: So, in the big divorse, who got the dog?
Elaine: I did. Trust me I’ve got about a gazillion “my dog is so awkward” stories. Right now he is laying half way on his bed, on his back, spread eagle, barking in his sleep. But, at least his penis isn't bleeding which is a whole other 50 posts.

Blog: I think we all would like to know what exactly are you wearing at this very moment?
Elaine: Yoga pants and a tie die T shirt. Obviously I’m dressed to pick up my future husband... or a date.

Blog: So, you are dating?
Elaine: No. I’m not going to lie there is definently the thought of dating someone sometime, but I’m not looking. In fact, not only am I not looking but i’m actaully saying no to suiters faces when they ask for my number. Seriously like three days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half years a gentleman aquantance, who totally knew Kevin and about the breakup, asked for my number and I quite literaly laughed and said no straight to his face. I felt bad for a second, but then I remembered that he knew I had been single for all of 2 minutes and I didn’t feel bad anymore.

Blog: So, you could be looking...
Elaine: Just the thought of that someone perfect out there somewhere is good enough for me at this moment.

Blog: So you got kinda serious up there at the beginning of this post. Are we going to see a more serious side of you in the posts to come?
Elaine: I doubt it, but I’m not going to say no. I want to get back to the roots of my little blog and write about funny stories and things that make me happy and random wonderings that float around my head. But at the same time, I’m writing this time for a completely different reason. Before I really wanted to recap the TV shows and write about pretty dresses because I needed to express myself creatively. This time I just need a cheap, free theapist. So, we will see. I don’t want to limit myself or not let my thoughts leave the cute box I built for myself last year when I was in a very different place in my life. But, just FYI, there will be no TV recaps as I don't have cable right now.

Blog: Quick, through us a bone and tell me something funny!
Elaine: My friend Sarah told me today that her friend's Trivia Team name is "We Let Midgets Go Up On Us".

Blog: Is there anything you would like to say to anyone who might be reading your blog for the first time?
Elaine: Yes, I'm usually not depressing. If you'd like the meat and potatoes of my blog, I suggest you check out the following three post...
1. That one time I kicked my Dr. in the face and gave her a bloody nose.
2. That one time I gave myself a serious burn and instead of going to the Dr. I hung out with my new boyfriend. (Oh, I love that in this post I got to write the sentence, "Lemon Lady, you're feeling yourself up with icicles.")
3. The time I got real bitchy and reviewed Carrie Underwood's dresses for the CMAs.

Blog: So, what are you listening to right now?
Elaine: Really blog? Really? You couldn't have asked me this like 3 minutes ago?

Blog: Tell us.
Elaine: Fine. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas... I hate you.

Blog: I think you love me.
Elaine: you might be right.

Blog: Friends forever?
Elaine: Deal.