Recently Alaine posted a link on my Facebook page to a list of things single girls do. Needless to say I found it quite hilarious. However I believe some actions were left off this list. I have never been both single and living by myself in my life, so this situation is very new to me. Not only do I not have a significant other to try to be normal (or at least not completely creepy or gross) in front of, but I don’t even have random roommates to act my age in front of. Pretty much I can be as weird and obnoxious as I want to. Really, as long as I every now and then throw my dog a bone, he doesn’t even care.
Things Single and Living By Herself Elaine Does…
1. I constantly paint and repaint my fingernails. Really, I probably do this 3-4 times a week. I think it’s become a relaxation thing to me. Yeah… that’s what I’m telling myself because I feel like it could quickly turn into my eating disorder or cutting. You know, when people become anorexic because food is the one thing in their lives they can control. I’m not saying my life is spiraling out of control, but it doesn’t matter what angry email I received at work or what boy didn’t call me because I can paint my nails St. Tropez Sea Breeze damn it!
2. Sometime when I wake up in the morning I have some left over mascara crumbles just below my eyes and I’ll use a makeup wipe to remove them, but I don’t want to waste the whole wipe because I only used like 10% of its cleaning power and those things are expensive, so I’ll shove it back into the pack with all the nice and clean and not dirtied up wipes to keep it fresh.
3. I don’t own a full length mirror. Don’t think I haven’t set up the timer on my camera and just taken a full length photo to make sure that those shoes really do go with that dress. (Come on! I have no one to ask!) Besides if I learned anything from Cher in Clueless it’s to never trust mirrors and always take Polaroids.
4. I have had more than one dinner that consisted of pickled banana peppers, pickled jalapenos, cheese, and Tecate – all straight from a can or jar.
5. One day I found out that I had drunkenly downloaded a Linkin Park cover of Dust in the Wind by Kansas... wait for it, it gets worse… one night (completely sober) I listened to it on repeat and turned up as loud as I dared with so many neighbors and jammed out to that tragedy for at least 45 minutes.
6. Although it kinda creeps me out when my giant dog pokes his head past the shower curtain when I’m showering, I also love rubbing water on his ears and then watching him frantically trying to lick the water off because I need entertainment when I'm shaving my legs.
7. I’m 97% sure that at this very moment there are at least 3 Rotisserie chickens in various stages of being consumed on the top shelf of my refrigerator and they are all expired and inedible.
8. I make my bed every day. However, don’t ask how often I’ve washed sheets.
9. It’s completely normal to watch an entire season of Sons of Anarchy on DVD from Friday at 6:30PM to Saturday 11:00AM, right?
10. I put my makeup on and do my hair while sitting in the sink. Yup, it’s exactly like it sounds. I sit on the edge of the sink with my feet by the drain. What’s really ridiculous is sometimes in the morning I forget to put my contacts in because I’m sitting so close to the mirror I don’t need them in to get ready. So it isn’t until right before I’m about to get dressed and I’m unfolding myself from the bathroom counter when I realize I can’t see shit and now I have to try to shove my contacts in my eye balls – AFTER I’VE ALREADY PUT MASCARA ON! Fail. Usually on these days (about once a week) I just end up wearing my glasses.
I freaking love this list! I used to sit in my sink to get ready in hs too. And there are many a days when I forget to put my contacts in because I will sit on my comfy bed, with the covers on, to put on my makeup with a mirrored compact. The mirror is tiny, so I hold it close and don't realize until I go to stand up that I can't see shit. Those are glasses days.
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