Questions, Answers, and Saved By The Bell...

And now Lemon Lady presents a Q&A…

Question – WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN???
Answer – Um, I wish I could say I’ve been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or curing cancer, but in all reality I’ve been at home mostly.

Question – Then why haven’t you been blogging embarrassing stories and whatnot?
Answer – Well, mostly because I changed jobs and I am no longer doing the job of a retarded hamster, so I don’t have 4 free hours a day to randomly write about giving my doctor a bloody or breaking my foot at a water park.

Question – “Retarded Hamster”?
Answer – That’s not a question, but I thought that would make my sister laugh. You see there is this whole funny story about me learning to read and hamsters and well… it’s funny, but it’s hard writing funny and embarrassing stories from when I was 5.

Question – So where are you writing now?
Answer – In the comfort of my own home, which if I can be honest, is a little weird. I’m used it leaning back in my big important chair with my feet propped up on my computer under the desk in my fancy office with the maroon accent wall and spending hours penning my blog master pieces. Instead last night and tonight I’m at my tiny kitchen table typing on my tiny laptop that is made for midget (excuse me “little people”) hands meaning I have to stop every few words and make sure I type “give” instead of “hubr” because the keys are so close together. I also can’t keep my head down and focused because my dog is jumping on and off the couch – something he is ubber proud of considering he just learned how to do this last Sunday.

Question – Speaking of the dog, how is the dog?
Answer – He is AMAZING. Seriously, Boyfriend and I wonder how we got so lucky. Which I know is something creepy pageant mothers say on Toddlers and Tiaras, but really y’all… our dog is so freaking cool.

Question – You were on like a month and a half hiatus and all you can say is, “I got a new job”?
Answer – Well, I got a new job, I quit my old job, I went to Tom Bean, TX to spend Easter and the week after with Boyfriend’s Sister and Mom, my parents came in town one weekend… Yes, I’ve been neglecting my blog. Make me feel bad about it why don’t ya.

Question – Sorry. Don’t get all defensive. Have you been writing? Are you going back to the 3-4 posts a week? What TV shows are you going to watch this summer, write five recaps and then stop mid-season because you suck?
Answer – Yes, I have been writing. I haven’t been blogging, but I do have those Brian Griffin novel ideas, that at some point I would like to put to paper. I don’t know exactly what will be my blog writing schedule from not on. Glee is over for the summer, so my Tuesdays are free, but I’m starting Kick Ball next month so Thursday posts are probably not going to happen. My guess is it will be just as sporadic as ever. I don’t know if I will recap anything any time soon. I thought about doing a Real Housewives recap, but the folks over at Vulture do such a good job that I’m pretty sure I would just steal all their jokes until about half way through the season when I’m so over hearing about Ramona’s Pinot Grigio habit and my eyes hurt from the 5 tons of turquoise jewelry LuAnn wears to every party that I would just cut and paste their recaps onto my blog. Then six months later I would blame the poor public education system in this country that didn’t properly teach me plagiarism.

Question – You look like you really want to say some something, what’s up?
Answer- Okay so, today when I was driving to work Mark Paul Gosselaar (AKA Zack Morris) was on the radio promoting his new TNT show Franklin & Bash. After talking for a few minutes and playing a round of Family Feud or something, they finally got down to the good stuff… Saved By The Bell. Mark Paul told me that his favorite Saved By The Bell episode was the one with Becky the duck. You know, the one where they discover oil under the Bayside football field and everyone thinks they’re going to be the richest school ever and not have to do homework and whatnot, but then there is an oil spill and oil gets into the pond where Zack’s biology class had just let their pet ducks and fish and turtles and newts go. SPOILER ALERT! It didn’t go well for the animals and they all died. So then, when the big oil company executive (who of course is wearing a cowboy belt buckle because aren’t all oil execs from Texas?) comes to the school to pitch his awesome ideas for new computers and books and better facilities, Zack and the gang cock block all the future students at Bayside High by telling Mr. Big Oil Executive that they don’t want a new football stadium or better cafeteria or awesome science lab because you killed Becky the Duck. Bastard! For Becky! And then the episode ends in a paused 6 way high five. Yeah… that was a great episode…

He also said that the one that he hates to this day is not the “I’m so excited, I’m so scared” episode, but the one where they all had to do family research projects and he finds out that he’s like 1/64th Native American so he shows up to class in a giant Indian head dress and deer skin pants and moccasins as “Running Zack” (which might be the dumbest Indian name ever) Mark Paul was talking about how he was so embarrassed and even to this day he won’t go gamble on Reservations because he doesn’t want anyone bringing that episode up in conversation.

Question – Do you feel better now?
Answer- Yes.

Question – Zack or Slater?
Answer – Zach always. In fact I had the Saved By The Bell board game where if you won you got to go on a date to the Max with either Zack or Slater. I always picked Zack.

Question – What are your thoughts on Saved By The Bell The College Years?
Answer – I’m pretty neutral. I mean I don’t love them like the original episodes, but I don’t hate them. They are kinda like the Tori episodes that just randomly happen in the middle of senior year. I’m all, “meh”. I do have a problem with Bob Golic’s character, Michael “Mike” Rogers. He was the ex-football player who was like 35 and living in the dorms with all the freshmen. Even as a twelve year old I knew this wasn’t right. Creep, not right. I know the show needed an older character to replace Belding, but I think a Mr. feeny-like character would have worked better. You know Belding could have followed all the kids to college and been a counselor or something.

Question – It certainly sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into the these answers about Saved By The Bell.
Answer – I blame the questions.

Question – DON’T BLAME THE QUESTIONS!
(insert FRIENDS laugh track here)

Question – Moving on… Do you have any good blog post ideas in mind for future posts?
Answer – Oh, you mean for posts when I’m not answering random questions that I made up? Yes, I’ve got some great ideas involving cupcakes (the food not the person), wild pigs, and Google Maps.

Question – Google Maps? You might be a bigger nerd than I feared?
Answer – Wait, but you’re not real.

Question – You’re typing like I am.
Answer – Fuck.

A Welcome Back to Me and Another Cockroach Story

Last Friday Cupcake graduated from College. For the second time.

Congratulations on your Master Degree in Nursing Cupcake!

While Friday was spend celebrating Cupcake’s big achievement and drinking multiple margarita’s from the fun frozen margarita machine, Saturday was all about dinner and a movie. Cupcake, LSU Friend, and myself decided to meet for a nice dinner then brave the Saturday night movie crowd and go see Bridesmaids. Cupcake had pigged out on some guac earlier that day and I was completely indifferent, so LSU Friend had the honors of picking our restaurant. So, for once in our lives, we weren’t going to head to a local Mexican food place and drown ourselves in queso, but drive over to a local Indian food restaurant that LSU Friend swore up and down was yummy.

So we went.

Thoughts on Indian Food…
1. I’m not all that into Indian food. I don’t hate it, but I also don’t love it. It’s like this… why would anyone eat Indian if they could have Mexican? But, I think that about a lot of genres of food.

2. Cupcake is an EXTREMLY picky eater! My whole life I thought being an “extremely picky eater” just meant that you would not only HATE Norwegian food, but also turn into a huge brat if ever forced to eat it. (Yeah, maybe one day I’ll write about that story Favorite Cousin…) So, I was totally unprepared when I became friends with Cupcake. She’s a “selectatarian”. AKA a really picky eater. She doesn’t really eat meat… unless she wants to. And, then you (or whoever is preparing the meat) HAS TO COOK THE SHIT OUT OF IT. Nothing can be slightly under cooked or she literally can’t choke it down. Once, when I first met her, a few of us girls were cooking and she practically dissected the chicken breast to make sure no red veins or blood was left anywhere and then stood over the chicken while it was being cooked just in case the dead, sautéing chicken just started bleeding in the pan. Then she over cooked it five minutes and deemed it ready to eat. Also, she doesn’t really like “hole in the wall” kinda places. This absolutely makes my heart hurt, because to me there is nothing better than a steaming plate full of enchiladas from some random shack where the wait staff doesn’t speak English. Cupcake doesn’t like not knowing if the beans are vegetarian or not. All in all, I was shocked that Cupcake was even going to venture into the Indian food establishment. (By the way I adore Cupcake and all her little quirks.)

So, the three of us load up into LSU Friend’s car, Leroy, and drive the 3.5 minutes to Bombay Bistro for what the website and menus call, “modern Indian cuisine”.

When we enter Bombay Bistro, it is plainly obvious that is used to be Henry’s Hunan and six months before that it was Ancient Golden Dragon and six months before that China Pearl, but whatever. We took our seats on the wall, so that LSU Friend and I were sitting on a bench with our backs to the wall and Cupcake sat across from us in a normal chair. Next to us, shoved up against the table was a short divider which I guess was there to give us a little privacy from the table next to us. Everything starts out okay. I order my overpriced glass of wine, LSU Friend tells us what she has had there that is good, and Cupcake tells us about what happened at her grad party after we left the night before. Normal going out to eat things…

Me: “New job, new job” wine sip “new job”
LSU Friend: “Job, should I get a new job, job” wine sip “best friend getting married”
Cupcake: “Africa, new job, graduating… Eeck!”

Yes, readers, the nights shenanigans all began with a little “eeck”

The “eeck” was caused by a little cockroach climbing up the divider that hugged our table.

What followed was about ten seconds of absolute silence, wherein I (and I’m sure LSU Friend and Cupcake) had a litter internal dialogue with myself…

To Myself: “Okay. That’s gross. Wait. It’s still climbing. What do we do with it? Should I kill it? What am I going to kill it with? OMG, this is unfortunate.”

LSU Friend to Herself: “Well, shit. I finally get us to a restaurant that isn’t Chuy’s or Z-Tejas and this is what happens? Cupcake is going to freak out.”

Cupcake: “Oh, eeck, okay. This isn’t okay, but I’m going to Africa in a week and a half and I’m going to have to deal with bugs over there. Oh, but… oh, this is icky.”

Then Cupcake, like the awesome badass that she is, plucked our unlit candle off the table, and using the candle cup trapped the baby cockroach in the jar.

Me: “Yay Cupcake!”
LSU Friend: “Great, but , um… now what?”

Now what indeed? Cupcake had successfully trapped the little booger, but the roach is still alive and Cupcake can’t spend our entire diner with her hand holding a candle jar on the wall. So, she slowly slides the jar down the wall divider and secures the jar by leaning the cup with sugar against it, just in case that baby cockroach was part He Man and able to lift the decorative candle holder and escape. Success!

We then spent the next few minutes convincing ourselves that it was one lone cockroach and anywhere else we go is going have an hour and a half wait because it’s graduating weekend, so we might as well stay put and eat our Curry and Puho.

Then Cupcake goes to the bathroom, because she has the world’s tiniest bladder ever, and sees another bug. Here exact words were, “So, I saw our friend’s brother in the bathroom.”

By this time we have decided we should get rid of bug number 1, who is still trapped under the candle jar.

Cupcake: (leaning around the divider where there are two busboys and either a waitress or a manager cleaning off a table) “Excuse me Ma’am?”

Nothing

Cupcake: “Ma’am?”

Nothing

Cupcake: “Excuse me?”

Nothing

Cupcake: “Excuse me Ma’am”

Restaurant Woman: “What?!?! I’ll be with you in a second!”

Cupcake: “oh… okay.”

So now we’ve seen two cockroaches, trapped one, and Cupcake “AKA the nicest person in the world” has been snapped at for wondering, maybe, if it wouldn’t be too much to ask or too much trouble for the wait staff to kindly REMOVE THE COCKROACH from under the candle jar on our table. K, thanks.

Then our food comes out.

Here is where I’m sure most of y’all are all, “Why is Lemon Lady and her friends still sitting in this place and why oh why are they going to eat there?” I can only answer this question by of course blaming Cupcake. I blame Cupcake because she is our friend that gets grossed out by normal things like fat being on chicken and beans cooked oh so yummy in lard. She should have been jumping up from her seat and running out to the car, but instead she was just sitting there. It was like in my mind if Cupcake isn’t freaked out and if Cupcake can handle a few bugs, so can I. Then again, she also ate before we got there.

So the food is on the table and we start eating.

Cupcake: “Eeck!”

Me: (Throwing up in my mouth just a little bit) “Oh God… what?”
LSU Friend: (Spitting food in her napkin) “Oh crap… where?”
Cupcake: (Pointing) “Behind you. On the wall.”

Yup, there was brother number 3. He was crawling up the wall about three feet from my head.

Me: “Gross. It’s going to jump on my head.”

LSU Friend: “Lean on me friend.”

Cupcake: “Sir. SIR! We need help over here!”

Now, y’all tell me. What would you do if you were the owners of a restaurant where a nice group of young ladies kept seeing cockroaches everywhere? Maybe you would apologies. Maybe you could comp their ridiculous eight dollar glasses of cheap gas station wine. Let me tell you what I would not do, SEND MORE FOOD! Yeah, just in case we had forgotten if we had completely lost our appetites due to the infestation of disease carrying bugs the thoughtful management at Bombay Bistro sent over a free dessert. Oh, and it was gross. Like really gross.

Moral of this story, once every few years or so I get a great cockroach story while hanging with LSU Friend.

Oh, and Bridesmaids was really funny.