So after driving over to Sarah’s house to mooch off her Internet to download the new version of Mac os 10.5 so I can download iTunes so I can sync my new phone so I can function like a normal human being once again and continue to be a positive member of society, I decided to write a quick little blog because let’s be honest I’m probably not going to fix my internet this week. Oh, you didn’t know my awesome new internet is already broken.... keep up readers. Evidently if my dog’s penis isn’t bleeding it’s my internet committing suicide just to piss me off.
So besides the not having the internet, I also don’t have cable. Right now I’m sitting at Sarah’s bar in her kitchen watching The Bachelor. I’ve seen all of 14 minutes of this show and well, readers it turns out I’m not a complete because those bitches are CRAZY.
Look at me functioning in the real world...
I’m not on a TV dating show fake writing vows for a fake wedding even before he fake proposes.
In stead of drinking 7 days in a row, I’m sipping on water. (Mom and Dad be proud)
However things happen where I feel like I’m taking three steps back...
I’m super pissed off about not being able to use my NetFlix on my wii right now to finish watching the first season of Sons Of Anarchy. I’m completely having with draw symptoms from not being able to lust over a greasy biker dude selling some guns. What is wrong with me?
I’m 27 years old and bought brand new bedding from a real adult store that didn’t start with “Tar” and end in “get” only to forget to buy new sheets. Green duvet cover with aqua sheets are being rocked on my bed right now...
Oh, not to go back to the fact that I’m watching this crazy train wreck of a TV show I’m watching, but some chick named Courtney just said how scared she is to get close to the fugly bachelor dude because she’s been hurt by guys and doesn’t trust men. Chick please! You are not special. You are not interesting. You are nothing exciting. You are not an individual snowflake. I hate when girls make dumb commits like this. Obviously you have been hurt and don’t trust dudes. You know how I know that... you’re fucking single!!! Seriously, show me a single girl that doesn’t think this. Show me a single girl who hasn’t been hurt or creeped out or “betrayed” by men and I'll show you a big fat liar.
2 hours later...
I think I'm SOL. My computer is so old I can't update to the new version of Mac OS which means I can't download the new version iTunes which means I can't sync my new phone which means I no music on the new phone.
I fail at being an adult...
Monday, February 20, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Bad Decisions Lead to Celluloid Catastrophy
Since I'm pretty much broke until my next paycheck (thank God that raise will be kicking in) my fun nights out have been turning into fun nights in. Friday night I spend 3 hours setting up Netflix on my Wii. Stop judging! I hadn't used my Wii in a long time and had a whole bunch of updates on top of the facts that A, I'm not good with any type technology and B, it just seems like anything that is suppose to be easy right now for me... not so much.
Last night my fun night in turned into a fun night in with Sarah. We decided to make dinner (i.e. I picked up chicken from HEB and she cooked the meal) and watch movies. Although, I brought over Congo which might be the best worst movie ever, we decided not to be total nerds and find something On Demand instead.
We first settled on Friends With Benefits. Now, I'm not going to lie or embellish the truth or throw Sarah under the bus. I totally was 50% of making this movie choice. I had a very mathematical reason to pick this movie. It went a little something like this...
Reasons for picking Friends With Benefits...
5% wanting to watch something I had never seen
3% wanting to watch something Sarah had never seen
17% remembering that the previews did make me kinda chuckle
29% knowing that I would probably get to see Justin Timberlake's butt
35% WOOD HARRELSON IS AWESOME
40% I have a giant girl crush on Mila Kunis
(I don't know if that adds up to 100, but hey, I was a liberal arts major.)
It was okay. There were parts where I laughed out loud and then there were parts that were totally predictable and made me remember why I don't like romantic comedies. But, on top of this I learned that maybe watching two beautiful people be all neurotic for 95 minutes only to end up all happily ever after is not a good idea when you just broke up with someone and you still remember what it feels like to be in love but you hate yourself for remembering and you kinda wish there was someone else to push those memories away and fuck Mila Kunis because you could spend 30 minutes doing your makeup and it still wouldn't look as good as her "I just woke up after screwing the hottest member of NSYNC all night" smokey eyes. FUCK! And my girl friends wonder why I've never seen The Notebook.
Then came our choices for movie number 2.
(Please note that it's "I Am Virgin" not "I Am A Virgin" so I'm thinking it must be about a holier that thou cave woman...)
That last one is a little hard to see. It was called "Walk a Mile In My Pradas" which I sure is the lesser know version of Walk The Line where June Carter goes to work under Meryl Streep, but uber bitch Anne Hathaway is fighting for her job and then Johnny Cash turns over in his grave and dies again.
But that's just a guess.
We decide on Drive. This is how we collectively came to this decision.
3% we had both never seen this movie
15% LOTS of people had said this movie was absolutely fantastic
163% it stars Ryan Gosling.
I'm pretty sure that one equals 100%...
So we watched Drive.
All of it.
And I'm super sad because I'll never get those two hours of my life back.
Wow! That movie was horrible! Like really horrible. Like what is wrong with humanity where some people think it's not only okay to make this movie but it's also okay to tell other people that it's good. I feel like this... There is a David Cross standup sketch where he's talking about how he's been an Atheist for a long time and he remembers being in synagog as a kid and hearing about God and angels and whatnot and looking around at all the other people there and being like, "Wait? You don't really believe all of this do you? God smiting the first borns... angels coming down... where are the unicorns?" That's exactly how I feel about Drive! Seriously? Did I watch the same movie everyone else watched? How did other people sit through that piece of shit and have the nerve to talk it up as one of the best movies of the year. I mean, I know people who were angry that it wasn't up for an Oscar. Also I know people who were angry that Ryan Gosling didn't get a Best Actor nod. Are you kidding me!?!?! He said all of 9 words the entire movie and for the other 2 hours and 13 minutes he was making this face...
Oh, making that face and wearing two jackets. The first was a classic straight out of 1987 slightly puffy, members only jacket with a scorpion on the back. And the second was a denim jacket so tight and so blue I'm convinced the costume designer picked it up from the girls department of Target. And then sometimes he wore them together... at the same time...
Things Sarah and I could have been doing for those two hours instead of watching the dumbest movie of the year?
1. Thinking up the best new invention of 2012 so we both could retire to the beach
2. Sleeping (seriously a better use of our time)
3. Going out to bars like normal human beings on a Saturday and meeting our future husbands. Sorry future Mr. Haygood I really wanted to meet the man of my dreams but instead I choose to watch Ryan Gosling smirk at me and drive around wearing a cowboy tuxedo for 2 hours.
FML
Last night my fun night in turned into a fun night in with Sarah. We decided to make dinner (i.e. I picked up chicken from HEB and she cooked the meal) and watch movies. Although, I brought over Congo which might be the best worst movie ever, we decided not to be total nerds and find something On Demand instead.
We first settled on Friends With Benefits. Now, I'm not going to lie or embellish the truth or throw Sarah under the bus. I totally was 50% of making this movie choice. I had a very mathematical reason to pick this movie. It went a little something like this...
Reasons for picking Friends With Benefits...
5% wanting to watch something I had never seen
3% wanting to watch something Sarah had never seen
17% remembering that the previews did make me kinda chuckle
29% knowing that I would probably get to see Justin Timberlake's butt
35% WOOD HARRELSON IS AWESOME
40% I have a giant girl crush on Mila Kunis
(I don't know if that adds up to 100, but hey, I was a liberal arts major.)
It was okay. There were parts where I laughed out loud and then there were parts that were totally predictable and made me remember why I don't like romantic comedies. But, on top of this I learned that maybe watching two beautiful people be all neurotic for 95 minutes only to end up all happily ever after is not a good idea when you just broke up with someone and you still remember what it feels like to be in love but you hate yourself for remembering and you kinda wish there was someone else to push those memories away and fuck Mila Kunis because you could spend 30 minutes doing your makeup and it still wouldn't look as good as her "I just woke up after screwing the hottest member of NSYNC all night" smokey eyes. FUCK! And my girl friends wonder why I've never seen The Notebook.
Then came our choices for movie number 2.
(Please note that it's "I Am Virgin" not "I Am A Virgin" so I'm thinking it must be about a holier that thou cave woman...)
That last one is a little hard to see. It was called "Walk a Mile In My Pradas" which I sure is the lesser know version of Walk The Line where June Carter goes to work under Meryl Streep, but uber bitch Anne Hathaway is fighting for her job and then Johnny Cash turns over in his grave and dies again.
But that's just a guess.
We decide on Drive. This is how we collectively came to this decision.
3% we had both never seen this movie
15% LOTS of people had said this movie was absolutely fantastic
163% it stars Ryan Gosling.
I'm pretty sure that one equals 100%...
So we watched Drive.
All of it.
And I'm super sad because I'll never get those two hours of my life back.
Wow! That movie was horrible! Like really horrible. Like what is wrong with humanity where some people think it's not only okay to make this movie but it's also okay to tell other people that it's good. I feel like this... There is a David Cross standup sketch where he's talking about how he's been an Atheist for a long time and he remembers being in synagog as a kid and hearing about God and angels and whatnot and looking around at all the other people there and being like, "Wait? You don't really believe all of this do you? God smiting the first borns... angels coming down... where are the unicorns?" That's exactly how I feel about Drive! Seriously? Did I watch the same movie everyone else watched? How did other people sit through that piece of shit and have the nerve to talk it up as one of the best movies of the year. I mean, I know people who were angry that it wasn't up for an Oscar. Also I know people who were angry that Ryan Gosling didn't get a Best Actor nod. Are you kidding me!?!?! He said all of 9 words the entire movie and for the other 2 hours and 13 minutes he was making this face...
Oh, making that face and wearing two jackets. The first was a classic straight out of 1987 slightly puffy, members only jacket with a scorpion on the back. And the second was a denim jacket so tight and so blue I'm convinced the costume designer picked it up from the girls department of Target. And then sometimes he wore them together... at the same time...
Things Sarah and I could have been doing for those two hours instead of watching the dumbest movie of the year?
1. Thinking up the best new invention of 2012 so we both could retire to the beach
2. Sleeping (seriously a better use of our time)
3. Going out to bars like normal human beings on a Saturday and meeting our future husbands. Sorry future Mr. Haygood I really wanted to meet the man of my dreams but instead I choose to watch Ryan Gosling smirk at me and drive around wearing a cowboy tuxedo for 2 hours.
FML
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Second "First Post" and A Conversation With Myself.
I really wanted my first post back from this long brake in blogging to be a funny, awkward, “oh shucks Lemon Lady”, haha story. I really did. I started writing two of them, and eventually they will come to furition and they will become blog posts, and well I think y’all will laugh because I think they are funny. However, this isn’t one of them.
Sorry.
I started this blog because I was stuck going to work everyday to an office I hated, to do a job I hated. I was throughly depressed during the day, so I decided to do something about it. I decided that I needed to be creative. Instead of spending 8 hours a day being missirable and doing nothing (oh, did I not say that... yeah I did NOTHING for probably 6 and a half of those 8 hours) I decided to start a blog. Then I got real nervous about actually putting myself out there and letting people read what I write. Then I seriously had to practice telling Kevin (Boyfriend) that I was going to start a blog because even though I knew that he would be nothing but excited for me and supportitive, that is how my crazy mind works. Because deep down there was this little tiny thought that whispered to me, “what if you tell Kevin and then you fail at this or you stop after two posts and he thinks you are a loser or a failure?” Yes, this is how my messed up mind works.
But, one day a really funny thing happened to me in the parking lot of a P F Changs on my lunch break and I bit the big bullet and wrote the story down. Then after emailing it to a few friends and getting some positive feedback it became my first blog post. I finally had a creative outlook in my life and blogging made me really happy.
Then I got a new job and although I really liked blogging and writing and telling embarasing stories about myself, I didn’t really need this blog anymore. I was no longer super bored and super unhappy at work. I have a really cool job that I love and that keeps me very busy all day. I tried to blog a little here and there last summer when I first started, but well... you know what happened. I stopped. I didn’t want my blog to become something I did because I felt obligated to do it. I didn’t want to sit infront of a computer screen and have to rack my brain to think of something mildly funny I could write about because it was Monday and you have to post on Monday. (At least thats what all the "make your blog successful" articles say.)
Well, hello blog. I’m back. I’m back because I need you again. So, here goes... Kevin and I broke up.
Yup.
Wow, I thought this would be easier to write.
We broke up. 5 and a half years later, we broke up, and now I need my blog again. I need to write about funny, frivolous events that happen to remind me that he wasn’t my whole life. I need to write to create a cocoon for myself. I need to write on this blog, so I won’t spend every night wondering in words where the past 5 and a half years of my life went in my journal. I need to write so maybe I won’t feel “okay” anymore. I’m very over feeling, “okay”.
So this is my apology to you blog and to you readers. I’m sorry for using this blog for my own therapy. I’m sorry to stringing you, my readers, along for months and then quitting on you cold turkey style only to come running back to you a few months later when my life goes to Hell. I’m sorry that this isn’t funny, and I’m sorry that this isn’t witty. I’m sorry that I’m going to ask you to look beyond my faults, because God knows I have plenty of them, and jump back into a relationship with me and my little website. If you’re in, I’m in.
And just because I can’t help myself and I have to do something a little fun and a little “not so depressing”, here is a Q&A.
Blog: So, Elaine, tell us, are you going to pussy out and quit on us again or are you going to put on your big girl panties and keep this blog up?
Elaine: (Yes, my name is Elaine... moving on) Wow, blog. Way to ease me back into this. I really don’t want to quit again and I’m going to try to be diligent and keep this up. Promise. Does having a box of half eaten Girl Scout cookies on my stove right now make me "scouty" enough to say "Scout's Honor"?
Blog: How are you?
Elaine: Okay...
Blog: So, in the big divorse, who got the dog?
Elaine: I did. Trust me I’ve got about a gazillion “my dog is so awkward” stories. Right now he is laying half way on his bed, on his back, spread eagle, barking in his sleep. But, at least his penis isn't bleeding which is a whole other 50 posts.
Blog: I think we all would like to know what exactly are you wearing at this very moment?
Elaine: Yoga pants and a tie die T shirt. Obviously I’m dressed to pick up my future husband... or a date.
Blog: So, you are dating?
Elaine: No. I’m not going to lie there is definently the thought of dating someone sometime, but I’m not looking. In fact, not only am I not looking but i’m actaully saying no to suiters faces when they ask for my number. Seriously like three days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half years a gentleman aquantance, who totally knew Kevin and about the breakup, asked for my number and I quite literaly laughed and said no straight to his face. I felt bad for a second, but then I remembered that he knew I had been single for all of 2 minutes and I didn’t feel bad anymore.
Blog: So, you could be looking...
Elaine: Just the thought of that someone perfect out there somewhere is good enough for me at this moment.
Blog: So you got kinda serious up there at the beginning of this post. Are we going to see a more serious side of you in the posts to come?
Elaine: I doubt it, but I’m not going to say no. I want to get back to the roots of my little blog and write about funny stories and things that make me happy and random wonderings that float around my head. But at the same time, I’m writing this time for a completely different reason. Before I really wanted to recap the TV shows and write about pretty dresses because I needed to express myself creatively. This time I just need a cheap, free theapist. So, we will see. I don’t want to limit myself or not let my thoughts leave the cute box I built for myself last year when I was in a very different place in my life. But, just FYI, there will be no TV recaps as I don't have cable right now.
Blog: Quick, through us a bone and tell me something funny!
Elaine: My friend Sarah told me today that her friend's Trivia Team name is "We Let Midgets Go Up On Us".
Blog: Is there anything you would like to say to anyone who might be reading your blog for the first time?
Elaine: Yes, I'm usually not depressing. If you'd like the meat and potatoes of my blog, I suggest you check out the following three post...
1. That one time I kicked my Dr. in the face and gave her a bloody nose.
2. That one time I gave myself a serious burn and instead of going to the Dr. I hung out with my new boyfriend. (Oh, I love that in this post I got to write the sentence, "Lemon Lady, you're feeling yourself up with icicles.")
3. The time I got real bitchy and reviewed Carrie Underwood's dresses for the CMAs.
Blog: So, what are you listening to right now?
Elaine: Really blog? Really? You couldn't have asked me this like 3 minutes ago?
Blog: Tell us.
Elaine: Fine. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas... I hate you.
Blog: I think you love me.
Elaine: you might be right.
Blog: Friends forever?
Elaine: Deal.
Sorry.
I started this blog because I was stuck going to work everyday to an office I hated, to do a job I hated. I was throughly depressed during the day, so I decided to do something about it. I decided that I needed to be creative. Instead of spending 8 hours a day being missirable and doing nothing (oh, did I not say that... yeah I did NOTHING for probably 6 and a half of those 8 hours) I decided to start a blog. Then I got real nervous about actually putting myself out there and letting people read what I write. Then I seriously had to practice telling Kevin (Boyfriend) that I was going to start a blog because even though I knew that he would be nothing but excited for me and supportitive, that is how my crazy mind works. Because deep down there was this little tiny thought that whispered to me, “what if you tell Kevin and then you fail at this or you stop after two posts and he thinks you are a loser or a failure?” Yes, this is how my messed up mind works.
But, one day a really funny thing happened to me in the parking lot of a P F Changs on my lunch break and I bit the big bullet and wrote the story down. Then after emailing it to a few friends and getting some positive feedback it became my first blog post. I finally had a creative outlook in my life and blogging made me really happy.
Then I got a new job and although I really liked blogging and writing and telling embarasing stories about myself, I didn’t really need this blog anymore. I was no longer super bored and super unhappy at work. I have a really cool job that I love and that keeps me very busy all day. I tried to blog a little here and there last summer when I first started, but well... you know what happened. I stopped. I didn’t want my blog to become something I did because I felt obligated to do it. I didn’t want to sit infront of a computer screen and have to rack my brain to think of something mildly funny I could write about because it was Monday and you have to post on Monday. (At least thats what all the "make your blog successful" articles say.)
Well, hello blog. I’m back. I’m back because I need you again. So, here goes... Kevin and I broke up.
Yup.
Wow, I thought this would be easier to write.
We broke up. 5 and a half years later, we broke up, and now I need my blog again. I need to write about funny, frivolous events that happen to remind me that he wasn’t my whole life. I need to write to create a cocoon for myself. I need to write on this blog, so I won’t spend every night wondering in words where the past 5 and a half years of my life went in my journal. I need to write so maybe I won’t feel “okay” anymore. I’m very over feeling, “okay”.
So this is my apology to you blog and to you readers. I’m sorry for using this blog for my own therapy. I’m sorry to stringing you, my readers, along for months and then quitting on you cold turkey style only to come running back to you a few months later when my life goes to Hell. I’m sorry that this isn’t funny, and I’m sorry that this isn’t witty. I’m sorry that I’m going to ask you to look beyond my faults, because God knows I have plenty of them, and jump back into a relationship with me and my little website. If you’re in, I’m in.
And just because I can’t help myself and I have to do something a little fun and a little “not so depressing”, here is a Q&A.
Blog: So, Elaine, tell us, are you going to pussy out and quit on us again or are you going to put on your big girl panties and keep this blog up?
Elaine: (Yes, my name is Elaine... moving on) Wow, blog. Way to ease me back into this. I really don’t want to quit again and I’m going to try to be diligent and keep this up. Promise. Does having a box of half eaten Girl Scout cookies on my stove right now make me "scouty" enough to say "Scout's Honor"?
Blog: How are you?
Elaine: Okay...
Blog: So, in the big divorse, who got the dog?
Elaine: I did. Trust me I’ve got about a gazillion “my dog is so awkward” stories. Right now he is laying half way on his bed, on his back, spread eagle, barking in his sleep. But, at least his penis isn't bleeding which is a whole other 50 posts.
Blog: I think we all would like to know what exactly are you wearing at this very moment?
Elaine: Yoga pants and a tie die T shirt. Obviously I’m dressed to pick up my future husband... or a date.
Blog: So, you are dating?
Elaine: No. I’m not going to lie there is definently the thought of dating someone sometime, but I’m not looking. In fact, not only am I not looking but i’m actaully saying no to suiters faces when they ask for my number. Seriously like three days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half years a gentleman aquantance, who totally knew Kevin and about the breakup, asked for my number and I quite literaly laughed and said no straight to his face. I felt bad for a second, but then I remembered that he knew I had been single for all of 2 minutes and I didn’t feel bad anymore.
Blog: So, you could be looking...
Elaine: Just the thought of that someone perfect out there somewhere is good enough for me at this moment.
Blog: So you got kinda serious up there at the beginning of this post. Are we going to see a more serious side of you in the posts to come?
Elaine: I doubt it, but I’m not going to say no. I want to get back to the roots of my little blog and write about funny stories and things that make me happy and random wonderings that float around my head. But at the same time, I’m writing this time for a completely different reason. Before I really wanted to recap the TV shows and write about pretty dresses because I needed to express myself creatively. This time I just need a cheap, free theapist. So, we will see. I don’t want to limit myself or not let my thoughts leave the cute box I built for myself last year when I was in a very different place in my life. But, just FYI, there will be no TV recaps as I don't have cable right now.
Blog: Quick, through us a bone and tell me something funny!
Elaine: My friend Sarah told me today that her friend's Trivia Team name is "We Let Midgets Go Up On Us".
Blog: Is there anything you would like to say to anyone who might be reading your blog for the first time?
Elaine: Yes, I'm usually not depressing. If you'd like the meat and potatoes of my blog, I suggest you check out the following three post...
1. That one time I kicked my Dr. in the face and gave her a bloody nose.
2. That one time I gave myself a serious burn and instead of going to the Dr. I hung out with my new boyfriend. (Oh, I love that in this post I got to write the sentence, "Lemon Lady, you're feeling yourself up with icicles.")
3. The time I got real bitchy and reviewed Carrie Underwood's dresses for the CMAs.
Blog: So, what are you listening to right now?
Elaine: Really blog? Really? You couldn't have asked me this like 3 minutes ago?
Blog: Tell us.
Elaine: Fine. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas... I hate you.
Blog: I think you love me.
Elaine: you might be right.
Blog: Friends forever?
Elaine: Deal.
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