Last night my fun night in turned into a fun night in with Sarah. We decided to make dinner (i.e. I picked up chicken from HEB and she cooked the meal) and watch movies. Although, I brought over Congo which might be the best worst movie ever, we decided not to be total nerds and find something On Demand instead.
We first settled on Friends With Benefits. Now, I'm not going to lie or embellish the truth or throw Sarah under the bus. I totally was 50% of making this movie choice. I had a very mathematical reason to pick this movie. It went a little something like this...
Reasons for picking Friends With Benefits...
5% wanting to watch something I had never seen
3% wanting to watch something Sarah had never seen
17% remembering that the previews did make me kinda chuckle
29% knowing that I would probably get to see Justin Timberlake's butt
35% WOOD HARRELSON IS AWESOME
40% I have a giant girl crush on Mila Kunis
(I don't know if that adds up to 100, but hey, I was a liberal arts major.)
It was okay. There were parts where I laughed out loud and then there were parts that were totally predictable and made me remember why I don't like romantic comedies. But, on top of this I learned that maybe watching two beautiful people be all neurotic for 95 minutes only to end up all happily ever after is not a good idea when you just broke up with someone and you still remember what it feels like to be in love but you hate yourself for remembering and you kinda wish there was someone else to push those memories away and fuck Mila Kunis because you could spend 30 minutes doing your makeup and it still wouldn't look as good as her "I just woke up after screwing the hottest member of NSYNC all night" smokey eyes. FUCK! And my girl friends wonder why I've never seen The Notebook.
Then came our choices for movie number 2.
(Please note that it's "I Am Virgin" not "I Am A Virgin" so I'm thinking it must be about a holier that thou cave woman...)
That last one is a little hard to see. It was called "Walk a Mile In My Pradas" which I sure is the lesser know version of Walk The Line where June Carter goes to work under Meryl Streep, but uber bitch Anne Hathaway is fighting for her job and then Johnny Cash turns over in his grave and dies again.
But that's just a guess.
We decide on Drive. This is how we collectively came to this decision.
3% we had both never seen this movie
15% LOTS of people had said this movie was absolutely fantastic
163% it stars Ryan Gosling.
I'm pretty sure that one equals 100%...
So we watched Drive.
All of it.
And I'm super sad because I'll never get those two hours of my life back.
Wow! That movie was horrible! Like really horrible. Like what is wrong with humanity where some people think it's not only okay to make this movie but it's also okay to tell other people that it's good. I feel like this... There is a David Cross standup sketch where he's talking about how he's been an Atheist for a long time and he remembers being in synagog as a kid and hearing about God and angels and whatnot and looking around at all the other people there and being like, "Wait? You don't really believe all of this do you? God smiting the first borns... angels coming down... where are the unicorns?" That's exactly how I feel about Drive! Seriously? Did I watch the same movie everyone else watched? How did other people sit through that piece of shit and have the nerve to talk it up as one of the best movies of the year. I mean, I know people who were angry that it wasn't up for an Oscar. Also I know people who were angry that Ryan Gosling didn't get a Best Actor nod. Are you kidding me!?!?! He said all of 9 words the entire movie and for the other 2 hours and 13 minutes he was making this face...
Oh, making that face and wearing two jackets. The first was a classic straight out of 1987 slightly puffy, members only jacket with a scorpion on the back. And the second was a denim jacket so tight and so blue I'm convinced the costume designer picked it up from the girls department of Target. And then sometimes he wore them together... at the same time...
Things Sarah and I could have been doing for those two hours instead of watching the dumbest movie of the year?
1. Thinking up the best new invention of 2012 so we both could retire to the beach
2. Sleeping (seriously a better use of our time)
3. Going out to bars like normal human beings on a Saturday and meeting our future husbands. Sorry future Mr. Haygood I really wanted to meet the man of my dreams but instead I choose to watch Ryan Gosling smirk at me and drive around wearing a cowboy tuxedo for 2 hours.
FML
Elaine you are awesome. :-D
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