The CMAs and How Carrie Underwood Lost the Fight Against the Ugly Dresses of the World...

Let me tell you about my night yesterday. I worked a 10 hour day. Now usually working a 10 hour day is no picnic in the park, but yesterday’s 10 hour day was horrible! I mean like “wow it’s only 11AM and I have already wanted to gorge my eyeballs out five times” crappy day. So, when I finally got home I took a long hot shower, changed into my most comfortable PJ pants and large sweatshirt, and plopped down on the sofa to watch the (and please don’t judge) America’s New Top Model which had recorded earlier that day.

I’ve been watching this stupid, stupid TV show since season 2 (or cycle two as Tyra says) and the one thing that completely baffles me is when the girls are going on “go sees” in a foreign country they always get horribly lost. A “go see” is when Tyra lets her little baby models out into the real world to meet up with several different fashion houses, designers, and photographers. Last night the models were in Milan and had four people to go see in four hours. Every girl but one was only able to finish 1 go see in four hours because they all got lost. The other girl only saw two. Okay all these go sees were all in Milan center. Really they showed them on a map and an 8th grader could navigate between one and the other. They had the option to use public transportation (bus or underground) if they didn’t want to walk. All of the girls wondered into an underground station and all of them wondered out just as lost with no clue how to get on a train and go in the proper direction. Even the girl from Chicago couldn’t figure out where to go! Oh, better than that, the MOTHER F-ING YALE GRADUATE couldn’t figure out the train system!!!

Anyway what I guess I’m trying to say is that last night I watched bad reality TV until Boyfriend came home and then we watched a Barcelona/Milan (just a coincidence) soccer match. What I didn’t watch was the CMAs, which according to Facebook, many of y’all did.

What I love about these award shows (well besides when the camera pans to the losers trying to look happy for the bitch that just won Best Female Artist instead of them) is the hostess’s outfits. It is pretty much mandatory that they change clothes at least five times. I’m going to go out on a limb and say this started when Whoopi Goldberg hosted the Academy Awards in 1990something and she changed into a different costume to announce each movie that was up for Best Picture. Y’all remember this, right?

Back to the CMAs… Carrie Underwood was the host last night I can’t figure out how she actually found time to be on stage because it seems to me she spend the entire night changing dresses. Let’s take a closer look at those dresses…

Dress #1:
This is what she wore on the red carpet… I guess because this carpet seems to be black, but maybe black is the new red in Nashville this year. My question for Carrie is, how many of the Queen’s hats did you have to steal to make this stiff, gray, extremely itchy looking dress? I mean who wants to wear a dress that looks like it was made out of those old lady hats little kids spend hours trying on in department stores? And, risking sounding way too much like Michael Kors, but what woman wants to make her hips and ass look bigger? I don’t want to get into her hair and makeup all that much. I feel like Carrie Underwood is a very pretty woman, but ALWAYS has too much makeup on.

Results… Carrie 0, Ugly Dresses of the World 1

Dress #2:
This is an adorable little dress. I mean what country starlet doesn’t want to take a page out of the Taylor Swift book and wear a sparkly little dress… or sell a million CDs… whatev… But… stop… Why is Carrie wearing her padded seat belt with her little Sparkly Swift dress? Wait! I know! Isn’t she married to a hockey player? Maybe she is holding is lucky hockey stick under that black thing. Or it’s just a really big plush AK47 gun strap. Oh and I like that Brad Paisley decided to go Garth Brooks up top and Johnny Cash down below.

Results… Carrie 0, Ugly Dresses of the World 2

Dress #3:
This dress is a little bridesmaid, but the day after the wedding. Like Carrie wore it to her best friend’s wedding even though you know she hated the color but it turned out okay because she got wasted off Champaign, Bud Light, and the Jager some groomsman had, but that’s okay too because she hooked up with that hot Jager having groomsman but only to wake up the next morning late for the send off brunch with the bride and groom and she can’t find her room key so she was forced to wear the same ugly bridesmaid dress, but being the good friend she was she improvised be adding some pink napkins and coffee filters to the bottom so maybe some of the old people wouldn’t know but you know everyone knew and even grandma called her a tramp. This is totally that dress. No, I’m not sure why she would ever have wanted to wear it again. I’m sure it reeks of semen, shame, and Clinque Happy.

Results… Carrie 1 (hey, we’ve all been there and who are we to judge), Ugly Dresses of the World 2

Dress #4:
In order to help us forget about her slutty ways in Dress #3, Carrie next shows up in a dress that is a cross between something a five year old would wear and some crazy ensemble Katy Perry might wear to personify the Mango Mandarin fragrance at Bath and Body Works. No really I think she just wanted to play Faith Hill for a few minutes as the very first thing that popped into my head was the Faith Hill/Tim Mcgraw Duet “Like We Never Loved At All” when Faith went all sexy throwback like this. Yeah… Faith’s was a little more successful, not to mention she can make out with Tim McGraw anytime she wants, so all in all Carrie, you lose.

Results… Carrie 1, Ugly Dresses of the World 3

Dress #5:
What was Carrie thinking? Was she thinking…
A: I always wanted to be the Ballerina in my music box.
B: FU husband who thought I could only wear my wedding dress one day! All I needed were some fake flowers from Hobby Lobby.
C: I wonder if people think I’m an extra for that new movie Black Swan?
D: I look just like Beyonce! (Y’all remember the dress I’m talking about…)
Oh and don’t you think it is nice that Brad Paisley is trying to keep up with Carrie by changing out of his striped black jacket and into his kinda sparkly black jacket.

Results… Carrie 1, Ugly Dresses of the World 4

Dress #6:
Dear Carrie,
It’s not 2005. This dress is not new and exciting. The color is boring. The folds and weight of the fabric look like napkins from the Best Western’s Breakfast Buffet.
And now I’m hungry for pancakes. Thanks…
Yours Truly,
Lemon Lady

Results… Carrie 1, Ugly Dresses of the World 5

Dress #7:
I’m pretty sure this dress was mistakenly sent to Carrie instead of Miss Alabama of the Miss America Pageant. Miss Alabama is freaking out today because she will never be able to find a replacement dress for the talent competition and her dramatic reenactment of the final scene of Gone with the Wind. Now she will never make it to the interview round and she had such a perfect answer to, “If you could be any tree, what tree would you be and why?”

Results… Carrie 1, Ugly Dresses of the World 6