I Almost Ate An Entire Bag of Halloween Candy Just to Prove Boyfriend Wrong...

I almost had a small heart attack last night. I thought, just for a second or two, I wasn’t going to have any trick-or-treaters come to my door. I’ve been excepting kiddos to come to my house on Halloween ever since we moved in last summer, but I’ve been trying to down play how excited I was because last year when I thought I would have trick-or-treaters I didn’t get any and Boyfriend made fun of me for buying and crap load of candy. This year I didn’t buy any crazy decorations or dish out 12.99 for a pumpkin and I only bought one bag of candy.

6:00PM Halloween Night…

Boyfriend: (talking to me on the couch while I’m reading and he’s watching football) “You need to go pick up the Laundry.”

Me: “Doesn’t the place close at 9? I’m not going now because the trick-or-treaters will be here very soon.”

Boyfriend: “We aren’t going to have any trick-or-treaters!”

Me: “Yes, we are and when they come to my door I will be there with candy for them!”

Boyfriend: “Fine. I’ll go get the laundry.”

Me: “I’ll go. I just won’t go until later, after the kids come begging for sugar.”

Boyfriend: “No, you’re right. You’ve been waiting to this all weekend. (Um, more like since June) You stay. I’ll go and I’ll pick up another bag of candy on the way home. But, before you get all excited about the hundreds of kids that will tramping up and down our front stairs, why don’t you look out the window.”

Me: “Why, what’s outsi… WFT?!?!?!”

Yeah, so here I am defending the children of my neighborhood from evil Boyfriend who doesn’t think they will come and ask for treats and I look outside and see kids with their parents SKIPPING OVER MY HOUSE!!!

Me: “What the F? Are we not good enough for those little brats? Is our house not cool enough? Do we deserve to be the bottom feeders of our street because we didn’t shell out hard earned money for a black light or black trash bags to make a haunted house? (Thank you over achieving neighbors across the street.)”

Boyfriend: “They clearly are discriminating against us because it is obvious we are a rental and that means we are young and have no kids and must do lots of drugs and poison candy.”

Me: “So what if we rent! Does that mean my Kit Kats aren’t as good as Mr. Long Time Resident across the street? Hell no! And so what if we poison our candy, isn’t that what parents are for? Good parenting is not not letting your kid go to rental house. Good parenting is checking the candy for poison and razor blades before their little brats eat it!”

Boyfriend: “Why don’t you just sit outside? Then everyone will know you’re not creepy and they will let their kids take candy from you."

Me: “And get eaten alive my mosquitoes? I don’t think so.”

It’s at about this time in the conversation that three kids have passed up our house (I know this because I keep peering out the front window) and Boyfriend leaves to go pick up our laundry. I sit on the couch getting madder and madder.

Me: (totally internally now) “Pass by my house. Snobs! All of you. Just because there isn’t a Lexus under my carport… Besides those kids were all alone with their parents. No friends, no siblings… They were probably the really over baring, protective types that didn’t have kids until they were 45. Snobs. This is what I get for living in central Austin. If we lived down south or up north this wouldn’t have happened. Kids would be lining up for my Almond Joys.”

A few minutes of stewing later…

Me: (again to myself) “What if no one really does come? Boyfriend is going to rub it in for weeks that I hid candy from him so he wouldn’t eat it, just to have no trick-or-treaters anyway. (Grabbing a Hershey’s Bar) Maybe I should just eat it all. Yeah, I’ll eat it all and then when boyfriend comes back I’ll just tell him we had a crazy big rush and it’s all gone and why didn’t he pick up another bag of candy while he was out. And I’ll take all the wrappers out and throw them away in my neighbor’s trash can. Or I don’t have to eat all the candy, but save some of it in my underwear drawer. Yeah, that way I’ll have some left over… Reeses Peanut Butter Cups for a few months sounds like a good plan to me.”

Luckily before I started smashing chocolate in my mouth there was a loud knock at my door followed by the beautiful music that is, “Trick or Treat!”

I had lots of very cute kids come to my door. Snow White was very popular and so was Spider Man. My favorite was a girl who looked about 10 in a gypsy costume. The cutest was a tie between a little guy dressed up as a dinosaur who cried when his mother picked him up to walk down my porch stairs because he wanted to walk them by himself. This seemed like a pretty reasonable request to me, and I watched as his mom put him back at the top of the stairs and he slowly walked them all by himself. The other cutie was a robot of about 4 who came to the door with his little sister (3 maybe) who was dressed up like a mermaid. He made sure she held her bag open and told me not to give her candy until she said, “trick or treat” then he got his candy, looked me straight in the eye and said, “You have a very happy Halloween.” I told him, “Yes Sir, I’ll try.”