True story in which Boyfriend tries (unsuccessfully) to defend my honor...

One quick thing before today’s post… Hi Mom and Dad. Evidently my parents have been reading this blog secretly. Now, I have no problem with my parents enjoying embarrassing stories about myself, or laughing out loud wondering how they every produced me. But secretly laughing at me??? WFT Mom and Dad. I know I’m not the golden child that calls home EVERY SINGLE DAY (yeah… that’s the type of older sister I have), but we talk on a pretty regular basis, and Dad even has a Facebook account. Make yourself known and bring it up in conversation, or leave a note on my wall, or FOLLOW MY BLOG AND COMMENT!!! Let’s see some support from the parental units.

Boyfriend and I drove down to San Antonio this past weekend to spend some time with my parents. They built a beautiful new pool this summer and Saturday was spent floating, playing Horse with a volleyball because the basketball wouldn’t inflate properly, and just lounging in the sun. It was perfect. That night Mom, Boyfriend, and I were chatting in the living room before bed and Boyfriend brought up this story. I immediately started cracking up because I had forgotten all about it, and knew I had to blog about it on Monday. So here you all are… The Time Boyfriend Stood Up For My Honor And Almost Got Beat Up.

Last summer one night Davis Girl and I decided to meet for a drink in the evening. We meet at The Tavern for a few beers and good girl chat. Being the first person there I found a table for two on the second story deck. It was one of the nicer evening last summer (meaning it wasn’t 110 degrees but maybe only 98. 98 plus misters plus cold beer… very cool evening in Austin.) and I went ahead and ordered a picture of beer and two waters. Davis Girl showed up a few minutes later and we quickly fell into our normal routine of storytelling, bitching about work, and Davis Girls talking about whoever Davis Girl was dating. At some point I had to go to the restroom and I excused myself and went. When I came back there was some guy in my seat. I could tell from the look on Davis Girl’s face that he wasn’t invited to sit down by her. When I reached the table he looked a little annoyed but got up and left. Ten minutes later he walked back onto the deck and sat a few tables away from us with another guy friend. Besides a large table of about seven men and women, we were the only tables occupied on the upper deck at the time. After the first picture of beer Davis Girl has to pee too and leaves the table. As soon as she goes inside, both the original guy who took my seat when I left and his friend pull up chairs close to our table and start talking. (I am horrible with names and didn’t remember them two minutes after they introduced themselves but here they will forever be referred to as Some Dude and Ass Hole.)

Davis Girl, Some Dude, Ass Hole, and I get started talking about God knows what. It becomes apparent that Ass Hole is quite a bit drunker than the rest of us. Even after a shot or two there is no way we are going to catch up with this guy anytime soon. Twenty minutes or so later this is what’s happening…

Davis Girl: “And then we look into the beakers and blah, blah, science talk, blah…”

Me: “Students, students, something smart and witty, students…”

Some Dude: “Davis Girl you are so smart… and pretty… and I want to do dirty things it you…”

Ass Hole: “I’m drunk.”

Ass Hole then decides to move the evening along by standing up picking up my giant glass of water that hadn’t been touched because, come on, we had a picture of beer, and pour it in my lap. It was the most nonchalant action ever. Some person might have pointed to the dark clouds in the distance and said something about it raining soon. Ass Hole poured a whole glass of water on me and made a comment about my pants being wet. Thoughts poured (pun totally intended) through my head…

I know I can sometimes be a snarky bitch… what did I say to piss off Ass Hole.

Wait, he just poured water on me… on a girl… WFT Ass Hole???

Quick think of something smart… think of something clever… quick say something…

“What? Water… Me… Pour… Pants… Ass Hole…” I hate that in times of confrontation I turn into a stuttering second grader with a dirty mouth.

Davis Girl: “What the Fuck you Ass Hole? Who do you think you are? What kind of man pours water on a lady? Where were you raised because this is Texas and people know better and have better manners here?” Turning to Some Dude… “You need to get your friend out of here right now. He is drunk and a complete dick and…(so on and so on…)”

Davis Girl is one of those girls who not only could, but would probably like to kick some butt in a bar. I feel like everyone should have a friend who knows how to fight and stand up for you. I am totally not that friend. I would get hurt and I don’t like pain. Davis girl is that friend and totally has my back. Maybe one day I’ll blog about the time she almost got into a fist fight with the one black girl in our high school over a PT Cruiser in McDonald’s parking lot senior year. It’s epic.

Some Dude and Ass Hole quickly leave. (Like I said Davis Girl is scary) A girl from the only other table occupied on the deck comes over with some extra napkins shaking her head and making comments like, “how dare he” and “Who the Hell does he think he is…” I clean up, which wasn’t hard because I had come from work and was wearing black triacetate Ann Taylor pants which are practically waterproof. Davis Girl and I pay the bill and as we’re walking to our cars the whole ridiculousness and absurdity gets to us and we start cracking up. We both sit down on the curb and laugh about how crap like this would happen to me. We aren’t ready to call it a night and go home so Davis Girl suggests we drive a mile down Lamar to The Saloon, another neighborhood bar.

As I am in my car following Davis Girl, I call Boyfriend to invite him to meet us at The Saloon for a drink.

Boyfriend: I thought you were going to The Tavern?

Me: We had to leave The Tavern.

Boyfriend: What do you mean? Why?

Me: (tell him long story…) blah, blah, blah, Ass Hole, Blah, water in lap.

Boyfriend: WFT???

Me: blah, blah, blah, Ass Hole, Blah, Water in…

Boyfriend: I head you the first time, but why would he do that?

Me: I don’t know… I swear I didn’t say anything either!!!

Boyfriend: What was his name?

Me: I can’t remember

Boyfriend: Well, what did he look like?

Me: Um… he had dark hair… and was wearing a red polo shirt… yeah… pretty sure it was a red and black strip polo shirt… Why?

Boyfriend: No reason… Sure I would love to meet you and Davis Girl. I just have to stop by the house to change clothes first.

Me: Okay. See you in a bit. Bye.

Davis Girl and I get to The Saloon and order new drinks. It’s busy and we end up sitting on the curb outside waiting for a table to open and Boyfriend to arrive. As much as we try to go back to bitching about work we just keep reminiscing about the “water in lap” incident. 30 Minutes later Boyfriend arrives, goes straight to the bar and orders a stiff drink. When he comes outside to great us this is what he says,

Boyfriend: I went to The Tavern to defend your honor but I threw water on the wrong guy so I don’t think I worked.

Me: hu?

Boyfriend then tells me this story… “I really didn’t have to go home and change and I was already on my way to meet y’all at The Tavern. You told me what the guy looked like so I was just going to drop in and see if he was still there. Yeah, I know you said he left but I figured maybe they just went inside or down stairs to get away from you two. I walked outside on the upper deck and I saw him. Brown headed dude in a red striped polo shirt. My first thought was “oh shit, he’s still here” but it quickly turned to “what should I do now???” I didn’t think the guy would actually still be there but he was and I had to make a decision. So I went back inside to the bar, ordered a large ice water, walked back outside, taped the guy on his shoulder, and when he turned around I said “Next time you’ll think twice about throwing water on other people’s girlfriends.” And I poured the entire glass of water down the front of his shirt.”

OMG.

I love my boyfriend.

Please imagine this… you are sitting calmly with your group of friends having a few beers at the bar. You see some random chick get water thrown on (yes this was the same group that occupied the only other table on the deck) and thirty minutes later some crazy lunatic is pouring water all over you like some insane minister baptizing the whole bar. I would have paid a large amount of money to be a fly on the wall and witnessed this. Duh, the guy from the large group was pissed that Boyfriend had just emptied his giant cup of revenge onto his new GAP polo. He stands up, pushes Boyfriend, and takes a punch. Now, anyone who knows Boyfriend knows A: he’s not a fighter and B: he is shifty and fast as Hell (you should see him play water volleyball). Boyfriend just barely leans back enough to miss having his nose broken while the other guy’s friends hold him back and try to explain to Boyfriend what happened.

Five minutes later random group of people including “innocent guy who got water thrown on him” and Boyfriend were all taking shots together and laughing... yup, Boyfriend is that guy. He’s the guy that can make lifelong friends in five minute, even after pouring water on an innocent guy at the bar. On the other hand, I’m the girl that gets water thrown on her with no apology. But, then again I’m the girl whose boyfriend tries to defend her honor, which is kinda awesome…. Wash.