My First Adventures into Working Out Since High School...

I woke up at 5:00AM this morning to drive my butt across MoPac (the highway) to start boot camp. It was… strenuous. Here’s how it went down.

Two Weeks Ago…

Me: I think I’m going to sign up for boot camp.

Co-Worker: Why would you ever want to do that?

Me: I need motivation and I think I could be motivated by paying X amount of dollars and having someone push me.

Co-Worker: For half that price I’ll yell at you all day.

Me: Whatever I’m going to do it.

So, I signed up.


One Week Ago…

Boyfriend: (Spying my shopping bags) What did you get me at Acadamy?

Me: I didn’t get you anything and you should be damn lucky you still have a girl friend after I braved Acadamy the weekend before back to school. Since when is it okay for seven year olds to stand in the middle of the walkway swinging back packs around their arms like hula-hoops? I thought I was going to have to cap some little punks.

Boyfriend: I think it’s been okay since 1992… maybe 93. Why didn’t you get me anything?

Me: I’m ignoring your questions, but look at what I got!

So, I showed him my new shoes (on sale) two new pairs of shorts, and socks. I once read an article that said if you buy something new to wear to work out, or you think you look cute you are more likely to keep it up. I fully believe this and I’m thinking of putting into other contexts… like if you look cute in new clothes your dishes get cleaner when you wash them. Or, if you go out and buy those new Nine West boots walking from your car to your desk will be an enlightening experience.


Last Night…

Me: I’m leaving to go grocery shopping and then go home and get to bed early for my big morning. I’m like a real adult right now.

Co-Worker: Good Luck. Don’t die.

So, then I went grocery shopping for healthy food like a real adult.


Later Last Night…(around 11:00PM)

Me: (Shaking Boyfriend awake from where he had fallen asleep on the futon) Boyfriend, let’s go to bed.

Boyfriend: Mumble, mumble, mumble…

So, I set my alarm, put on some Arrested Development, and lay my head down for a good night sleep.

Sleep?

Sleep?

Sleep?

Yeah, it never came. I watched the whole DVD of Arrested (Season 2 disk 2) and still nothing. I was hot, Boyfriend was all over the bed, my pillows weren’t laying right… seriously uncomfortably. I am also one of those people who freak out and think that on the day of the early morning boot camp/air flight/long car ride is the one morning that their completely reliable alarm will not go off. (This happened to me once in Berlin. I was staying in a hostel with those black out window things and somehow in my drunken state the night before had set my alarm to 27 o’clock. Yeah, guess who didn’t make her flight the next morning… she’s the gal typing with the burning abs and quads.) Last night I was not inebriated nor did I down stein after stein of yummy German beer, yet I was super paranoid that I had set the alarm for some wrong time or PM instead of AM, and I couldn’t sleep.


Later, Later Last Night… (3 AM)

Boyfriend: Will you stop moving around so much!

Me: (By this time I am laying with my head at the bottom of the bed and Boyfriend is pushing my feet out of his face.) I can’t help it! I’m burning up and I can’t get comfortable and I’m never going to be able to go to sleep!!!

Boyfriend: You have “first day of school” nerves!

Me: No… I’m just really hot and you’re like a furnace next to me.(Okay and maybe I had a few nerves...)

Boyfriend: Stay here I’ll go sleep on the futon.

Me: No, you can actually sleep in here. I’ll go to the livingroom.


Later, Later, Later That Night… (3:45AM)

Me: ZZZZZZZZZ


Early This Morning… (5:00AM)

Alarm: RING RING!!! WAKE UP!!! RING RING!!! GET UP YOU FATTY I KNOW YOU’VE ONLY BEEN SLEEPING FOR AN HOUR BUT YOU HAVE TO GO WORK OFF THOSE WINGS FROM LAST WEEK AND ABOUT 1500 OTHER FATTENING MEALS YOU’VE HAD LATELY!!! RING RING!!!

So, I get out of bed. I put on my new shoes my new shorts, my German T-Shirt, and my awesome gift from God that is the sports bra I finally found.


Still Early in the Morning… (5:30)

Perky Trainer in the Pink Hat: Welcome! Today is Ab and Legs day. But first lets run a half a mile and listen to some Fergie!!!

My Legs: No. Please. No Running….

My Mind: I can do this. Piece of cake. Have you seen the awesome new shoes I’m wearing? I’m going to tear this track up!!!

My Legs: Oh Hell no…

Yeah… my legs won. If you can call being on fire after the first lap and not being able to breathe winning because they knew, unlike my dumbass mind, that this whole running thing would be a problem.

Perky Trainer in the Pink Hat: Now we are going to do lunges, and then hard lunges, and then death lunges, and then “lunges the Devil himself invented and came up from Hell to teach me to make you people cry.” Awesome! Only 573 more to go!!!

My Legs: Amputate us now!!!

Perky Trainer in the Pink Hat: Now let’s do squats, and slightly harder squats, and jumping squats, and side to side squats and make your legs burn harder squats, and “squats Hitler made the Jews do like all the time”!!! Awesome only 573 more to go!!!

My Thighs: Fire! Fire! Fire! Is there no God! Someone put out the fire!!!

Perky Trainer in the Pink Hat: Ab time! Let’s do some crunches, and legs lifts, and bicycles, and then repeat that 18 times. Go!

So I did these things and I wanted to cry and go home and sleep, but I got through them.

Perky Trainer in the Pink Hat: Time to go to the Tennis Courts (we were at a local middle school) and do jump squats up and down the court! Oh and let’s do them like 25 times! Go!

Me: I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID PINK HAT!!!!!!!

But, I did them and I survived and I will go back tomorrow and do them again.

Oh and then leaving I hit a rock and scratched my rear bumper.

Boot Camp 1.
Lemon Lady 0.