How I Was Diagnosed With "Magazine Tourettes"...

My co-worker reminded me that I am going to 27 this year. Holy crap! I’m not going to start ranting or anything because I know I have older readers and I don’t want to be “that young girl” who won’t shut up about how 27 is so… old. But, when my co-worker brought up that age a light bulb went off in my head. Hello Lemon Lady! This is why Sunday was so hard.

You see, back in the day I could put the drinks back. I could party all night and rally very quickly the next morning with only a few breakfast tacos and a big ‘ol ice tea. I could go downtown, stumble out of the bars at 2, catch a cab home, throw up, go to bed, and be at work with a smile on my face to open the store I worked for at 9 AM. If I had pancakes at Kerby Lane or a Best Wurst on 6th before the ride home I was even better. I can no longer drink like this! I mean I was drunk on Saturday don’t get me wrong. But I was not falling down, throwing up, forgetting how to play blackjack drunk. (BTW I now know why blackjack dealers say out loud the number you have, because although I knew how to play the game on Saturday night, adding the numbers on the cards was tough.) I guess what I’m trying to say is that on Sunday I was just stupid. Seriously the whole day I felt slow and dumb.

Luckily all I had to do was ride in the car home without embarrassing myself. Unfortunately, I could not do this.

LSU Friend and Lil Blount diagnosed me with Magazine Tourettes.

Magazine Tourettes is a little know syndrome where the person who is afflicted cannot read a magazine without reading aloud random tidbits of information or commenting about articles they read or ads they see.

The February issue of InStyle was the demon that set off my Magazine Tourettes.

I think it should be known first that I absolutely love magazines. Seriously, not a lot of things can hold my attention better than a new, shinny, and glossy magazine. I’m addicted to the smooth pages. I love everything about magazines. I love analyzing the cover stories. I like scrutinizing the advertisements. I read them cover to cover. Honestly, I’ll read anything if it is giving to me in a magazine like way. Consumer Reports vacuum cleaner issue? Sure, I’ll read it. Rolling Stones cover the Jonas Brothers? Why not? Star Magazine makes up some story about Angelina dying in rehab? I’m all over that. Really I’m not picky.

I don’t usually buy InStyle, so opening that large fashion magazine was like a little treat.

Me: “Oh, that bag is nice…”

Cupcake (sitting next to me): “Are you talking to me?”

Me: “Um… Yeah… Look at this cute white bag.”

Cupcake: “Oh, cute.”

Four minutes later…

Me: “Oh? Is that bag leather or cloth?”

Cupcake (looking up from the magazine she is reading): “What?”

LSU Friend (looking back from the front seat): “Um, who are you talking to?”

Me: “What? Oh, um… Cupcake! You saw this bag a few minutes ago; do you think its cloth or leather?”

Cupcake: “I guess leather.”

Three minutes later…

Me: “Oh, that bag is by Ivanka Trump.”

LSU Friend: “What Lemon Lady?”

Lil Blount: “OMG what are you talking about?”

Me: “That bag. It’s by Trump and isn’t that much. You can get it on Piperlime.”

Lil Blount: “Lemon Lady, WE CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU CAN SEE! We have no idea what bag you keep talking about.”

Me: “This one! (pointing to the bag on the magazine page) The one I keep talking about.”

LSU Friend: “Yeah, we get it. You see a bag… in the magazine (now she’s just talking slow because she thinks I’m a moron) but we are up here and Cupcake is reading her own magazine and we have no F-ing idea what you keep saying!”

Lil Blount: “It’s like you have Magazine Tourettes or something.”

And that’s how I was diagnosed.

Then it got worse.

Fifteen minutes later…

Me: “hummm… hehehehe… I’m really into red pants.”

Cupcake: “huh?”

LSU Friend: “Stop with the Tourettes!”

Me: “But this is funny. Someone wrote into the magazine saying they really like red pants but they don’t know if they can pull them off. I mean, if you have to write into a magazine asking how to wear pants, no, you can’t pull them off.”

Lil Blount: “Then Lemon Lady you should say that. You need to give us more of your internal dialogue because we have no F-ing idea what you are talking about when you say you really like red pants.”

Me: “No, the chick who wrote to the magazine likes the red pants. I don’t like red pants.”

Lil Blount: “I know now! But when you first said it I didn’t.”

LSU Friend: “We were just confused and worried about you.”

Me: “I know what I’m talking about.”

Cupcake (trying to be nice): “Yeah but no one else does and we think you’re talking to us.”

Me: “Sorry, I’ll try harder.”

I then proceeded to have Magazine Tourettes for another forty five minutes while I finished the magazine. (I mean have y'all seen the new Limited ads? They are really confusing!) I think it was the hungover slowness I had been experiencing all day. I knew I should say things out loud. I knew my friends in the front seat had no idea what I was talking about and that Cupcake was in her own little world playing Angry Birds sitting next to me, but I couldn’t control myself. I just hope that this is a passing disease and won’t stay with me too long.