Top Chef Recap should be up on The TV Guide Hunters sometime this afternoon/evening. I don’t want to go into too much detail about last night’s episode before you’ve had the chance to check it out, so instead, here’s a look into my notes and all the ridiculous quotes that came out of the “cheftestants” mouths.
“All Star season, more like Open Season.” – White Dale (Because anyone could go at any time)
“The Jonas brothers are like Rockstars.” – Spike (Spike letting us know what type of music he hides under his douchy Nickelback and Doughty CDs)
“Kids are the pickiest eaters… the will cry in your face if you don’t give them what they want.” – White Dale (On his confusion about what to make for kids)
“Basically I’m making crap for small children.” – White Dale (What he then decides to make)
“Kids love Marshmallows, right?” – Marcel (Proving my theory that Marcel was never a child and probably came out of the womb being at least 15 and a snotty teenager)
“It’s like trying to make chicken soup with chicken shit” – Asian Dale (Why even his help won’t help Spike win the Quickfire)
“I have no interest in having children… ever” – Jamie (On kids, and how she might be my lesbian soul mate)
“2nd place is still losing.” – Jen (What her father used to tell her and why her pork belly must be perfect)
“According to Jurassic Park T Rex eats Brontosaurus and things like that.” – Casey (Proving she is blond and pissing me off with her inaccurate portrayal of one of the great books of our time)
“YOU DON’T FUCK WITH SOME ELSE’S MISE EN PLATES!!!” – Marcel (‘nuff said)
Another thing that made last night’s episode so wonderfully bad (besides learning that Tre sleeps nude) was that Boyfriend watched it with me. Here is what came to Boyfriend’s mind when watching Team Brontosaurus present their food.
Boyfriend: “Who wants to eat gnocchi for breakfast? These kids just want bacon and eggs and some Lucky Charms.”
Me: “They can’t use meat, so bacon and eggs are out of the picture.”
Boyfriend: “Then cereal. They should just put out a large cereal bar and let them have at it.”
Me: “Yeah, okay…”
Boyfriend: “You know if you’re and athlete, cereal is the way to go. If you get an “in” in the cereal market, you’re set for life. I mean people who watch sports LOVE cereal! The age bracket is perfect.”
Me: “What’s the age bracket?”
Boyfriend: “Kids.”
Me: “Kids?”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, kids sit and eat cereal while they watch sports. Parents are too busy watching this (pointing to my lap top which he had open to The Drudge Report), but kids love sports. In fact I don’t understand why schools don’t license out cereal brands. Notre Dame Leprecons! Florida Gator Mallows! Granola from Cal Berkley! I mean we might get some resistance from Luck Charms for the leprecon thing, but we would be making so much money who cares! Just think, Texas cereal with little longhorns floating in the milk. Although, we would want to make the horns curve the other way or something so we don’t infringe on their copyright…”
These are the kinds of conversations we have on a daily basis.
Also, Boyfriend things I’m being racist calling the Dales and Tiffanies, White, Black, and Asian. I do this because it is easier than remembering Faison, Derry, Talde, and Levitski. Then he told me if I am going to call Tiffany Derry, Black Tiffany I should call Dale Talde, Yellow Dale. I said that was extremely racist and rude. Then he said I should then call Black Tiffany, African Tiffany, but I fired back that she isn’t African she’s American, so should I call her American Tiffany? But then White Tiffany is also American, so we’re back where we started, having two people with the same name. Then Boyfriend pointed out that Asian Dale is probably not like “Asian Asian” because he doesn’t have an accent and he is American, too. So according to Boyfriend this is how I should write their names…
Tiffany Faison: American Tiffany with red hair and freckles
Tiffany Derry: American Tiffany with a dark tan who may or may not have descended from African Slaves
Dale Levitski: Gay American Dale
Dale Talde: American Dale with parents who are from “one of those China countries” in the far east who is also an asshole
Please ask bf aka my brother about Nowakowski O's! That was a dream of his once! I think because my mother did not let us have sugar cereal growing up we have a weird obsession with it in general. Maybe that explains a lot!
ReplyDeleteHaha. He told me that his grandma was the only person who would buy him Fruity Pebbles.
ReplyDelete