This past weekend two things happened.
One: Boyfriend and I saw The Hangover 2.
Two: Boyfriend had a “OMG is the world ending because what I’m looking at right now is absoFREAKINGlutely blowing my mind” experience.
Let me explain.
On Saturday, after I got my haircut and after Boyfriend played a round of golf, we headed to the movie theater to see The Hangover 2. As we are walking into the theater to buy tickets I notice the guy in fount of us at the box office is sporting some really cool looking Nikes. Like this…
I then casual say to Boyfriend, “Hey, Boyfriend. Aren’t his shoes cool? I like them.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, cool, whatever. Hey you have to pay I forgot my wallet.”
This is literally the reaction he gives me. Yes, Lemon Lady those are not the ugliest shoes in the world, but can we focus on more important facts of life, like the fact that I forgot my wallet and you will have to pay for my ticket and my half of our fried pickles order. (Our movie theater, Alamo Draft House, is just that awesome to have fried pickles.)
Then, two hours pass when we are in theater 2 laughing at many shenanigans happening on the big screen. Of course during these two hours I drink two giant glasses of ice tea, so when the movie is over and the credits have finished rolling (because when you watch either The Hangover or The Hangover 2 you have to watch the credits because that’s when they show all the really funny photos of what actually happened the during the night they can’t remember) I practically hurdle people to get to the bathroom first.
Good thing about my movie theater: Fried pickles
Bad thing about my movie theater: only 3 stalls in the bathroom – I mean what’s up with that? This isn’t communist China Draft House! Get some more pee pots. K, thanks.
Anyway, I relieve myself and then walk out to meet Boyfriend. He is standing just outside the box office in the blazing Texas summer heat. As soon as I reach him he practically pounces on me…
Boyfriend: “Look behind you!”
Me: (looking but not seeing anything other than people trying to leave the theater and we’re kinda standing right in their way because Boyfriend refuses to move aside.) “What? What are you looking at?”
Boyfriend: “Down there.”
Me: “Where?”
Boyfriend: “No, over there” (pointing to the front of the rather long line to buy tickets for the night time movies)
Me: “What are you pointing at, yeah the line is a lot longer now, but it’s Saturday night.”
Boyfriend: “No, look at his shoes.”
Me: (Finally noticing what Boyfriend is so excited about) “Oh, hey. Those are those same cool Nikes. So did you like the movie? I thought it was funny.”
At this point Boyfriend is staring at me like I have fungus growing on my face, and I start to wonder if I said something or did something wrong. Was I secretly supposed to know that those shoes are his favorite things in the world and I didn’t buy them for him? Are those the Nikes his grandmother was buried in and I’m not paying them the respect they deserve? Did he secretly design those shoes himself and Nike broke into our home one night real late and stole the design and now every time we see those shoes we are need to stop and curse those Nike A-holes out loud?
Me: “I don’t get it. What?
Boyfriend: “Those are the same shoes you said you liked when we went into the movie and there they are again in the exact same place in line when we come out of the movie.”
So, Time Out…Are y’all following what he is saying here? Before the movie we stood behind some dude in the line for tickets with cool shoes on and now there is another random dude in the roughly the same place in line with the same shoes on. Okay, Time In…
Me: “Okay.”
Boyfriend: “Are you not seeing the awesomeness of this? Those are shoes, we’ve never seen before in our lives and now they appear before us twice in one day in THE EXACT SAME PLACE!”
Me: “But on different people…”
Boyfriend: “I KNOW!!! Different people, but the same shoes!”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean I get it. I get that those are the same shoes standing in the line being worn by different people, but it’s really not that big of a deal.”
Boyfriend: “NOT A BIG DEAL!!! It’s a huge deal! This is the cosmic universe trying to tell us something.”
Me: “Um, no. This is what normal, non-crazy people call a coincidence.”
Boyfriend: “No this is bigger than a coincidence. This is something more.”
Me: (Trying desperately to change the subject to something that doesn’t make me want to commit my boyfriend to a mental hospital) “Did you like the movie?”
Boyfriend: “The movie? What? No, we are talking about the shoe Gods right now and what they are trying to tell us.”
Yes, world, my boyfriend would rather talk about a pair of grey and green Nike tennis shoes instead of a movie that includes the following…
1. Monkeys who like oral sex
2. Drinking Fanta from a bag
3. Having sex with a she-male Thai hooker
4. Bradley Cooper’s gorgeous baby blues
5. Why a kid who just started college would already have a college ring
6. Monks doing shots
7. The mysteries that live in Zach Galifianakis’ beard
8. The fact that anytime Ed Helms sings he gets like 15% cuter but even if he spent the whole movie singing he would not be good looking enough to land a chick as hot as his fiancé
9. The awkward, awkward toasting scene
10. A surprise wedding singer that would have been super cool if I just hadn’t seen Bridesmaids
Boyfriend: “You just don’t understand”
Me: (At this point all I can think about is that scene in Meet The Fockers where Ben Stiller is arguing with the airlines on phone because they sent him the wrong bag.) “Seriously Boyfriend? Do you not think that the people over at Nike thought to themselves that although they just produced a very nice looking shoe that they might actually want to make a profit off this shoes so they might want to produce MORE THAN ONE PAIR! Like they all sat around a big important looking conference table and finally Mr. Smarty Pants in the corner was like, “Nike dudes. We should totally have our little starving China kids make like a billion pairs of this awesome show so we’ll make like a billion dollars and never have to work again.” Do you get this? That there are THOUSANDS of these shoes being produced and sold all over the world, even in Austin, Texas.”
Boyfriend: “All I’m saying is that I’ve never seen those shoes before and then I see them again IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE AS BEFORE! It’s a little freaky.”
Me: “No. you know what would be freaky? It would be freaky if the shoes were just sitting there and not being worn by some guy. It would have been freaky if they turned on their own and stared at you with eyes that popped up from the tongue of the shoe. It would be freaky if they hurdled themselves at you and tried to strangle you in their laces. Just being worn by someone else at a very popular movie theater on a Saturday night IS NOT FREAKY!”
Boyfriend: “You don’t understand me at all…”
I kid you not, 24 hours later we were still arguing about this.
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