Presidential Elections, The Olympics, and World Cup...

Boyfriend came home Monday night to find me and the dog laying on the couch, half asleep, and drooling… the dog, not me. He then quickly made my day by saying, “Hey are you watching the debate?”

Me: (jumping up) “The debate? What debate?”
Boyfriend: “The Republican debate. On CNN…”
Me: “I had no idea! How did I miss this?”

Somewhere between all the news on Wiennergate, Asshole Arnold, and oh yeah Bin Laden being killed my news websites had completely let me down. I had no idea Presidential Debates were already starting.

Here’s the thing… I love all things that deal with electing the President of The United States of America. I love all the bullshitting, name calling, question diverting candidates equally. I love the political cartoons and commercials. I REALLY love the debates! Really I do. Yes, of course there is usually only one I could ever actually vote for, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love all the candidates equally. You know just like a mother, I could never have a favorite. I mean how do you pick a favorite bullshitting sweater from your other favorite bullshitting sweaters? I can’t.

The Presidential Election is just like the Olympics and World Cup (two other events that happen every four years THAT I LOVE).

You’ve got your “sure things”
Olympics: Michael Phelps, Canadian skiers, and ridiculous Ice Dancer costumes
World Cup: Spain, numerous red cards, and underperforming Africa
Presidential Election: Obama, Romney, and Jon Stewart

You’ve got your “wild cards”
Olympics: Underage Chinese gymnasts (could also be a “sure thing” depending how you look at it), Curling getting such a cult following, and any Hockey team not from USA, Canada, or Russia
World Cup: Team USA, any other team that isn’t one of the 7 that has actually won in the past, and Women’s World Cup
Presidential Election: Minorities, Women, and well… Ron Paul

You’ve got your “must see TV”
Olympics: Opening Ceremonies, women’s gymnastics, and giant 300lb men bawling after they won the gold in Weightlifting
World Cup: USA vs. England, the legs… and abs when they take off their shirts in celebration, and the final game
Presidential Election: The debates, the loser calling the winner and congratulating them, and all the SNL skits leading up to the big day

You’ve got your “WFT moments?”
Olympics: Tonya Harding, Shaun White’s hair, and powerwalking
World Cup: England pretty much just stepping aside and letting USA score on them, Mexico ALWAYS SUCKING, and Zidane head butting
Presidential Election: Sarah Palin anytime all the time, Perot’s TV shows, and George Bush “winning”

It’s like Monday night was the start of it all. The opening ceremonies. The first blow to the vuvusela. All the candidates we out in their best suits, with their blue or red ties, and flag pins. (Well all except Michelle Bachmann who looked like a slutty priest in her black suit with low cut white blouse) It was like the first day of school. They all had just gotten haircuts and Botox and probably new coke addictions. They were nervous and excited. All were quick to talk bad about the past (Obama and even Bush at times) but had so many uplifting hopes and dreams for the future. Non really wanted to alienate themselves from their neighbors to the right and left in case they need their endorsement later, just like teenage girls trying to figure out who their mean girl minions would be as soon as they established themselves as Queen Bee.

Oh, and then there was Ron Paul who just looked horribly uncomfortable during the whole thing. You know all night he was thinking, “FAIR TAX!!! Damn all of you the answer is FAIR TAX!!! And how can you not pick between Elvis and Johnny Cash??? The answers are FAIR TAX and CASH all the way!!!”