I Might Be Going To Hell For Laughing At This...

Who here reading this has never laughed at something inappropriate? If you raised your hand or said, “Well Lemon Lady I have never laughed at anything inappropriate, not even a good Helen Keller joke” please stop reading this.

Moving on…

Who here watched the friendly soccer match between USA and Argentina on Saturday? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Well y’all missed out on a very aggressive USA tying with a pretty slow (for them) Argentina. Opps… sorry if you had it DVRed…

However before the game even started, this happened…

BAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHA……

That’s right world. Welcome to New Jersey. Welcome to land of “that guy”. And, you thought “that guy” of this match would have been the really drunk dude in the 4th row wearing the red, white, and blue Jester’s hat with nothing but a blue thong and some very strategically placed glittery star stickers, but no. “That Guy” that “that New Jersey that guy” was upstaged and out “that guyed” by “incredibly offensive moment of silence ruin-er”. Touché New Jersey…

What Annoys Me and What Makes Me Happy...

You know what really annoys me… Okay that’s an extremely loaded question, let me try again… You know what is really annoying me right this minute? People who are barely older than you acting like your this adorable little child who will never know what it’s like to be 27 and a half and all the hardships that particular age brings and if (bless my heart) I’m ever able to make it to that ancient age it will never be as hard for me as it is for them because of the most random factors ever! Am I making any since? Let me explain further…

27.5 Year Old Person (talking to me): You’re 26! Awww… I remember being 26…

Me (to myself): I would hope so. I mean that was only 18 months ago. You remember September 2009… right?

27.5 Year Old Person (still talking to yours truly): Wow… 26… so long ago…

Me (out loud now): Yeah, but it really wasn’t that long ago if you think about it Taylor Swift’s Love Story was a chart topper and I still can’t get that song out of my head. You know what else was happening… conflict in the middle east, global warming, and baseball season coming to an end. It’s not like when you were 26 Rosie the Riveter was calling for you to get excited about factor work or the vacuum cleaner was invented or Jesus was crucified!!! No I have bottles of nail polish older than a year a half. NOT THAT MUCH HAS CHANGED!!!

27.5 Year Old Person: You just don’t understand because you’re a little too young. But someday soon you will…

Me: (::headdesk::)

Now, I’m not saying I don’t look at my little cousins and think, “Wow they are so big and grown up” or Best Friend’s little sister and tell her, “I remember when you were in first grade and we were dressing you up like the Disney character Mulan”, but I would never patronize a 25 year old because she just can’t understand the hardships and crazy maturity level people reach when they become 26.

You know what also really annoys me… having to buy a car when I don’t want to buy a car. So, like I said earlier this week, my car was stolen from outside my house on Monday night or in the wee hours of Tuesday morning. According to my insurance (the oh so chipper Angela) the Cops get two weeks to recover the car or I’m SOL and they give me a check to go buy another car. Yeah, Angela, I know about those checks… you know why? Because I got one of those check exactly 2 years ago when my Mazda 3 (color – winning blue) was totaled by a hail storm! That car was my graduation gift from my parents and had been paid off for exactly two months, meaning I didn’t want a new car. I liked that car and didn’t want to have to buy a new car, just like right now. I liked my Tribute and I don’t want to have to buy another car. Just once I’d like to have a car that I pay off and drive for 7 to 10 more years and then after researching and thinking it over and test driving my options over a long period of time I would enjoy the fun of buying a new car. But no, if they don’t find Yolanda (that was my Tribute’s name) I’ll get to make another rushed decision after trying to test drive every car in south Texas over a soggy Jason’s Deli sandwich with my dad.

(Time Out: Dad I love that you helped me pick out Yolanda and I’m crazy grateful that you will help me again. It’s not the spending time with you I hate, it’s the rush PICK A CAR NOW timing that I hate. Again, you’re awesome. Time In)

You know what I don’t hate…

Starlight Express Promo Videos on YouTube - because who don't like musicals about trains

And some behind the scenes...

Bargain Music's Wednesday which I've liked for while, but I LOVED the song after I over heard some guy singing and playing it on his Guitar at Barton Springs trying to con it off as his origional song to this chick that was with him. I think she was really into him as well, until I walked by and said, "Oh Bargain Music! I love them!" She gave the hippy guy with the guitar a mean look and walked away. My bad. So this song goes out to Random hippy guy at Barton Springs who uses other people's music to pick up girls in bikinis...

Great Dane puppy and a kitty...

Babies and Toddlers: Jerks and Bi-Polar??? You Decide...

As promised at the end of my slightly depressing post yesterday, today I want to talk about my sister and her two boys.

I spent 3 days up in the Dallas area with them last week and although it wasn’t the stress free, relaxing vacation I had planned (due to some family issues) I still had a ton of fun. That being said, I DON’T KNOW HOW MY SISTER DOESN’T GO CRAZY!!!

I have two nephews. The Mouse is will be three in June and Froggy is almost one month. Oh, and those are her nicknames not mine.

Froggy is adorable and cute, but honestly that’s all I can say right now. I mean he really isn’t even a person yet. He’s just this little sweet guy that curls up on your chest and gets angry if he is hungry and you don’t have boobs with milk for him to latch on to. I mean for all I know he could grow up to be a little jerk or worse… a hipster. Now, am I saying I think my new nephew is an A-Hole, of course I’m not. My sister and my brother in law are great people and good parents and I know they will do everything they can to mold their children in to delightful, model citizens. I am just saying that no matter how cute he is now… you just never know…

The Mouse is almost 3 and AWESOME. Awesome in a “I’m two and a half and I know I’m cute so when I’m a little snot you just need to deal with it because I’ll be awesome again real soon” way. I’ve written on this blog before about how I think that one of the reasons I don’t want kids is that I was never around children when I was growing up. After spending a few days with The Mouse part of me was absolutely exhausted and the other part of me was completely enthralled and very curious about why he is the way he is and why he does what he does. Seriously put ten two and a half year olds in a padded room with a few toys or Thomas The Train on the TV and I’ll happily watch them. Watch them like study them, not watch them like babysit them. Please, I DON’T babysit.

What amazes me the most is mood swings. It’s like the child is freaking bi-polar. Actually I take that back, maybe it’s just everyone that has been diagnosed as bi-polar are really just regressing back to a toddler state of mind. One minute The Mouse is chilling watching a Disney movie and the next minute he is crying and acting like his mom took away his favorite pink bear and made him watch it burn in the fireplace, he can never ever have milk again, and Dora the Bilingual and Totally Obnoxious Explorer (who for some reason is always surprised when that dumb fox in a mask shows up to steel something) will never be on TV again and also, she killed the family dog. Literally, it’s like one minute he’s happy as a clam and the next minute he realized he is a clam from Louis Carol’s Walrus and the Carpenter and he’s about to be eaten and oh crap his life is over because… HE HAS TO PUSH HIS CHAIR UP SO IT IS STANDING CORRECTLY!!! Or maybe because… HE HAS TO EAT HALF A BANANA BEFORE WE CAN GO TO THE PARK!!! I watched his little brain decide that crying and standing in time out and getting yelled at by his mother was easier and a better decision than taking 2.6 second out of his busy day of drinking milk, being read stories to, and building airplanes with fat Legos to stand a chair up. I’ve been reassured by my sister and by my mother that he isn’t really that idiotic and dumb, but just a two year old. I trust them right now, but I hope to see improvements when he turns three.

Okay, I just reread those last two paragraphs and let me restate that I do love my nephews unconditionally… I just hope they don’t become jerks and I hope they get smarter. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?

BTW, my sister has a great blog called The Froggy & The Mouse... check it out.

Back From The Dead: My Bad...

I’m sorry.


There I said it. I’m sorry for being MIA for so long. I know you don’t want excuses, so I promise to put them in blog posts starting today.

This morning my car was stolen.

Now, don’t you feel bad for wishing mean thought on me every time you hit up LemonsLemonsLemons and found no new posts?

What stresses me out the most about this whole bizarre kidnapping of my 2009 Mazda Tribute is the thought of maybe having to buy a new car. I don’t want a new car. I like my car. Her name is Yolanda and she is perfect for me and I don’t want to have to name a new vehicle. Her predecessor was my 2005 Mazda 3 (color = winning blue) was totaled in a hail storm. I didn’t want to have to buy a new car then, either.

On top of my car being stolen, George Michael hasn’t been feeling well. So not only are Boyfriend and I new parents, but we are completely clueless new parents. Boyfriend has been amazing though. I wish I had the energy today to write a long drawn out blog post about how when I put the dog to sleep he cries and cries and cries, but as soon as Boyfriend gets on his knees in front of George Michael’s kennel our sweet, adorable puppy comes back and Boyfriend slowly talks and pets him to sleep. Last night he was especially hyper because he hadn’t been feeling well until about 5PM that night so he slept ALL DAY meaning he wanted to play ALL NIGHT. At 1AM when he still wanted to play and was particularly angry about being shoved into his cage by yours truly because I just wanted to go to bed already, Boyfriend calmed him down by talking to him about all the family members who were super excited to meet him and how he and I had wanted him for so long and all the fun places we would take him when he got older. I love them both so much, but Boyfriend just a little bit more… just a little.

This post is meant to ease me back into writing and posting and making you laugh (although not much funny has been happening). I promise not to drop the ball again. Oh, and I promise to write this week about short time up at Sister’s house and want I think about my 2 and a half year old nephew…

Mumford & Sons and Tim Tebow: A Conversation...

A few months ago Boyfriend and I were watching the Grammy’s and in between wondering about Katy Perry’s angel wings and Cee Lo’s AMAZING red chicken costume, Boyfriend heard Mumford & Sons for the first time.

TV: “But I will hold on to hope… And I won’t let you choke… On the noose around your neck…”

Boyfriend: “Why is Tim Tebow on TV singing?”

Me: “That’s not Tim Tebow that’s the lead singer of Mumford & Sons.”

Boyfriend: “I’m pretty sure you’re wrong. That’s Tim Tebow.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m not. That’s the dude from Mumford and Sons. That’s why he is playing music and not football on the TV at the Grammy’s and not Monday Night Football… But you're right, he does kinda look like Tim Tebow.”

Fast forward to last night

Boyfriend (singing in the shower): “But I will hold on to hope… And I won’t let you choke... On the noose around your neck…”

Me: “You know they sing other songs, right?”

Boyfriend: “Yeah, I YouTubed them all. Go look on the computer.”

And he wasn’t lying. My laptop was sitting open on the bed and YouTube was on the screen showing Mumford & Sons’ songs. So I played one that a friend had recommended on Facebook.

Boyfriend (out of the shower and in the bedroom now): “So you’re just hanging out in here watching Tim Tebow on the computer?”

Computer: “Align my heart, my body, my mind…To face what I’ve done and do my time…”

Me: “No I’m watching the hot, British, guitar playing Tim Tebow. There’s a difference.”

Boyfriend: “You think Tim Tebow is hot?”

Me: “No, again, hot, British, guitar playing Tim Tebow is hot. Religious, virgin, gator Tim Tebow equals not hot.”

Boyfriend: “So because he has a British accent he’s hot?”

Computer: “But it was not your fault but mine… and it was your heart on the line…”

Me: “The British accent ups his hotness by like two points. He gets another three for being in a band and playing the guitar and a bonus point for it being a good band and him being good at the guitar.”

Boyfriend: “So Tim Tebow doesn’t get any points for playing football?”

Me: “Not when he plays for stupid teams like Florida and Denver and especially not for stealing the Heisman from Colt.”

Boyfriend: “Good to know. How many extra points do pool men get?”

Boyfriend's favorite, The Cave

Listen To Your Body: Drugs, Spring Break, and a Not So Scary Cop...

About three weeks ago Cupcake finally convinced me to go with her to a yoga class. I’ve done a little yoga in the past. Very little. I few years ago I went to a couple of classes and then about 6 months ago I tried Bikram Yoga. I got very bored very quickly in both those classes. However, I’m very much enjoying Cupcake’s studio , Yoga Vida. They teach Vinyasa yoga, which is… well I’ll just copy and paste this from their website because they say it best…

“Vinyasa is a Sanskrit word meaning breath-synchronized movement; breath and movement are seamlessly united in such a way that one action encourages the other. We call our classes "flow" because of the flowing connection between the breath and the body, between one posture and the next, and between one series of postures and the next. We invite you to experience this holistic fitness program for people of all ages and fitness levels that heals and detoxifies.”

Oh, and this is done in a hot room.

On Tuesday our instructor talked a lot about listening to your body and signs of fatigue or stress or dark circles, well these are ways our bodies tell us that something is wrong and we should listen. Now, I’m sure many of you are rolling your eyes and thinking to yourself, “oh that crazy Lemon Lady living in that weird city” (yeah, I know what you’re thinking Dad), but I truly believe in this because of one incident over Spring Break my senior year of college.

Spring Break my senior year really snuck up on me. I didn’t make any plans to go to some crazy destination somewhere and drink my bad grades away, nor did I even remember to ask for time off from work. I worked retail at the time and I probably would have forgotten about the break completely if it wasn’t for my manager asking me to take on more hours that week because half the staff was either in college and going to Mexico to drink all the tequila they could get their hands on or they had children who would be out of school that week to entertain at home. Because, I’m an idiot I told her sure I’d take a few more hours if she would give me the last two days off so I could try to have a little fun somewhere. I decided my fun would be driving the two hours to see my parents so I could go shopping with my mom. Seriously this was the highlight of my senior year’s Spring Break.

The other side of this story that you need to know is when I was a sophomore in High School I hurt my back pretty badly, and now I have back pain. I’ve talked to lots of doctors about and tried a lot of different medications and stretches. I’ve pretty much just learned to deal with it. At the time of this story I was still seeing my nice, young, female doctor as this was before I kicked her in the face and made her nose bleed. About a month before spring break she had prescribed me an arthritis medication hoping that would alleviate my back pain because she didn’t like me eating Motrin like candy or popping Narcotics. (Oh, sweet, sweet Vicodin…)

So I had been taking this medication for about a month, not every day, but enough to realize that it really wasn’t working. This is the sad thing. The freaking drug DIDN’T WORK, but in my mind I convinced myself that maybe I just needed to give it a little more time. I also noticed that it made me itchy. Not crazy itchy, but enough where in the middle of the night I would have to get out of bed and slather myself in lotion.

This is where I should have listened to my body. The itching should have been a giant red stop sign to me that hey, maybe my decision to keep taking this drug that is not working and seems to be having a weird reaction to my body ISN’T A GOOD IDEA!!! But, no. I wanted it to work so bad because my back hurt from working lots of hours (I worked in the stock room mostly) and I was going to see my mom and we were going to go shopping and I just wanted my two day Spring Break to be fun and perfect and pain free!!! I mean is this too much to ask?

Again, “I was going to see my mom and we were going to go shopping and I just wanted my two day Spring Break to be fun and perfect and pain free!!!”

On the morning of my first day off I woke up and my back was on fire. It was the worst it had been all week. It felt like some evil, evil little demon was pulling my skin away from my lower back and then twisting screw drivers into my spine. I was in PAIN. So, I crawled my way into the kitchen and downed a few crackers so I could crawl back into the bathroom and take two of the little blue and white pills that I wanted to work so bad. I prayed. I willed them to work. Then I took a shower and while the hot water massaged my lower back and temporally washed the little demons, I convinced myself that I would be okay and my two day Spring Break going to be awesome. It was at this point that I started getting really, really thirsty. I decided that my thirst was probably just being a tad bit dehydrated from beer the night before, so I made myself a big ‘ol cup of ice water for the drive down to my parents house.

Signs from my body: 2 (back pain and dehydration)

It was when I was walking down the stairs outside my apartment with my big ‘ol water and overnight bag when I started to feel a tad bit dizzy. Kinda like when you stand up to fast, but I was already standing. I figured this was because I was hungry, but I could make it to mom’s because if I did she would buy my lunch, thus more money to spend shopping.

Signs from my body: 3 (back pain, dehydration, and dizziness)

I had been in the car and driving for twenty minutes or so when the itchiness started… real bad. At this point in the back of my mind I know something is wrong. Something is seriously wrong. I can’t put down my big ‘ol water for fear of my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth, I’m having trouble concentrating on the road because my mind and eyes are dizzy and now I’m having to take my hands off the wheel and scratch my body every three seconds.

Signs from my body: 4 (back pain, dehydration, dizziness, and itching)

Five minutes later it hits me, like a slap to the face, I have to throw up. All the water I’ve been drinking is suddenly at the back of my throat and I can feel it. I’m doing 70 MPH on 290 just outside Dripping Springs and my eyes can’t focus and my back is on fire and I’m rubbing my legs on the back of the seat trying to relieve the constant itch and I know I have to pull over.

I pulled over on the side of the road and threw up all that water and any of the drug that was left in my stomach and yes, probably those few crackers as well. Just as I am finishing I hear a car slow and pull in behind me. I just remember being pissed off, honestly. I remember thinking, “Really? I just want to get to my parents so I can go shopping and try to have a fun day with my mom and put this whole silly over dose or bad drug reaction out of my mind and now I have to deal with some hillbilly stopping to hold my hair and ask questions, oh Hell no…”

Then my mind sobered up and I remembered that I was in the middle of nowhere and what if this person stopped to rape me, kidnap me, force me into slavery, etcetera… I’m all alone on the side of a two way highway in Texas with my car door wide open and I’m bent over at my waist not trusting my mind to be stable enough to actually stand straight and defend myself, or at least run.

Turns out “scary rapist guy” was a cop, and not a “scary rapist cop” but a nice old cop who kinda looked liked Kevin Spacey (who I love). I think at first he thought I might be drunk – which would have been bad enough – but then I told him the story about the bad drug I’ve been taking… which big surprise didn’t help my cause. Finally my brain started working again and I perked up enough to add to my story that the drug I took was prescribed by my doctor and not a narcotic. In fact it was a old person’s arthritis medication and I should have stopped taking it weeks ago, it’s just I really wanted a good two day Spring Break that involved shopping with my mom. Again, I really just wanted a good two day Spring Break with my mom. By this time he had gotten me a bottle of water from his car and was laughing at my story. While he stayed with me for a few minutes to make sure the dizziness was gone he told me a story about his daughter and how she thought she overdosed on Benadryl but really she just ate some unwashed lettuce. Yeah, my crazy Spring Break story can now be lumped in with some Benadryl bimbo that can't wash her veggies... great...

After twenty minutes I got into my car and drove off with no more itching, upset stomach, or dizziness. I got to my parents an hour and a half later with just some good ‘ol bad pain. I took some Motrin and sucked it up, so I could at least pretend to have a good time shopping with my mom.

My mom and I bought matching shoes at Nordstoms. They were these cute little summer wedges in red and blue. The next week I realized exactly how bad my back must have hurt because those shoes that were all cute and comfy in the store, HURT LIKE A BITCH the second I tried to take a step in them outside my apartment door.

Signs from my body I didn’t listen too: Back Pain, Dehydration, Dizziness, Itching, Upset Stomach

Signs from my body I did listen too: Foot Pinching – I never wore those shoes ever again

Proof of Awesomeness: Not To Toot My Own Horn Or Anything...

I know these are really late, but better late than never, right?




Two things...

I like that I'm skinnier now than I was in these photos.
I also like that in the second picture it looks like there is a black cat riding on my head. Or hanging out, whatever.