My blog has become all about baby steps. Back in the day when I had 4 hours to spare at my old job I wrote so much! Not only did I post 4 or 5 times a week, but I wrote these long thought out narratives with back stories and dialogue. Yup… Not so much anymore. Lately all my blog ideas have either been lists or random thoughts that are too long for a Facebook status update, but not long enough to fill an entire post. So, in case you miss the old Lemons Lemons Lemons or if you are questioning my ability to write (which to be honest I kinda am) please go back and read some stories from this time last year.
Or you can just enjoy a few lists and random rants below.
Last night at 9PM I took George Michael out for his last walk before going to bed. (Yes, I go to bed early.) As we are strolling along his favorite patch of grass he sees this woman with her lab/shepherd thing… dog. Anyway, GM starts going crazy because he wants to go say hi and I’m holding him back telling him to stop being an asshole and trying to get him to turn the other way, when the lady yells out to me (she at least 40 feet away), “Do you run with him?”
Do I run with him? No, I don’t run with him. A – a huge reason I got a Great Dane was because I didn’t want an active dog. I don’t like to exercise. I am not a jogger. B – he’s a GREAT DANE! After a half mile of jogging with my dog he would pass out from a combination of heat exhaustion, hip dysplasia, and extreme annoyance that he isn’t being allowed to lay on his bed and eat his new favorite toy while occasionally glancing at a bird or two outside.
“No. We don’t run.” This is all I say because I don’t want to be a bitch and I get it… she might not know a lot about Danes and their lack of love for forced exercise.
“Well you should. Big dogs need to run.”
Really? Are you lecturing me about how I take of my dog from 40 feet away while I try to get him to poo before bed?
“My dog and I always walk by your window and see your big dog and he always barks and jumps around. Big dogs need to run and get out.”
At this point I’m standing in wet grass in my yoga pants and tank top taking crap from this bitch and her ugly dog when I should be picking up my dog’s crap so I can go to bed. I’m not in a good mood.
“Intense exercise, like running, could cause my dog to become geriatric before his time and cause me thousands of dollars in vet bills to replace his hips and knees. I also don’t appreciate you letting your dog tease my dog at my patio window. That seems very cruel that you would be okay with getting a dog all rowdy when he is inside and obviously cannot come out to play.”
I win.
Holy Crap! Can we please talk about how AWESOME the HBO series Game of Thrones is?!?! I’ve read the books and now I’m almost done watching the first season and I LOVE it. Like really. I want to marry Jon and be Dani. In my mind the person who said they would date me in the comments of my previous post. - “I’d totally date you… but it would be awkward.” – Yeah, I’m 97% sure the bastard Jon Snow wrote that and no Jon, it wouldn’t be awkward it would be so right…
Last weekend I saw two people I haven’t seen in 10 years. The first was this guy I’ve known since, well technically I think my freshmen year of high school, but I don’t think I ever really talked to him until when I moved back to San Antonio for my senior year. He convinced me in English class that year to read Dante’s Inferno, and I appreciate the random Hemmingway quotes he will post on Facebook. Also, his dog is kinda adorable. Oh, and while I was at his house on Friday his freezer was stocked with a huge box of those Freeze Ice Pops. Yup. They made me happy. I mean not that I wasn’t happy to see Kyle, but who doesn’t get super happy to see an old friend AND get Freeze Ice Pops?
On Saturday I saw my friend Nathan who I’ve known since 8th grade ever since a friend’s birthday and an argument over a pink miniature golf ball. What I find interesting about seeing these two people is learning about their lives since my last interaction with them. Especially Nathan. Sometimes we, as people, get so caught up in our own lives that you forget there are people all around you dealing with things that are just as exciting and fabulous or as shitty and ridiculous as your problems and situations. Think your last relationship sucked? Well talk to Nathan. Think you had a crazy time last weekend? Well talk to Kyle about waking up in nothing but a short plush bathrobe and a gun holster. People amaze me.
And because I can’t seem to write anything that doesn’t have to do with my new found singlehood… I think it’s funny how single people bond really fast. Like everyone who I know who is single or even people I just randomly meet who are single and then find out that I am as well, well there is this immediate bond. It’s like, “Wooh! You’re alone? Me too! Let’s be best friends forever now and take shots!” It’s like I’m being inducted to this new club, except it’s like being inducted to the 99%. We are all a part of it, but everyone wishes (either secretly or not) that they could join the 1%. It’s not like that when you are in a relationship. People are catty bitches and assholes when they are in relationships. Instead of the instant sisterhood or brotherhood there is instant resentment with other people in couples. Why? Because when you are in a relationship you automatically think that no one in the world has that special something that you have with your significant other. No one has ever been in love like you two. No one has ever wanted someone they way you do. No one has ever been “floating in the clouds, punch drunk twitter patted like you”. Whereas when you are single EVERYONE can relate to your fucked up Ex, that horrible blind date your “friend” set you up on, and those horrible, horrible drunken nights when you made all those mistakes.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
My Singlehood: The Highs and The Lows
So in my last post I talking about weird things that single girls who live alone do. (Or at least weird things I do – I guess I shouldn’t speak for all singles out there as I know there must be some normal ones somewhere.) I’m now going to simply concentrate on the first part of that new classification I’ve found myself a part of.
Single.
As in one.
As in alone.
As in “ALLLLL BYYYY MYSELLLFFFFF”.
I’ve never been single in my life. I mean pretty much that is a correct statement. I’ve had two serious boyfriends in my post high school “adult” life. So, in the past 10 years I’ve been in two relationships that have lasted 9.5 years. This “being single” this being “young, wild, and free” thing is COMPLETELY new to me. And to be honest I don’t think I’m doing too bad. So here is a quick rundown of my singlehood – the highs and the lows…
High – Turns out I’m not so awkward that no one wants to ask me on dates!*
Low – The first guy to do so was annoying as all getup and a completely creepy dude that used to be on my kickball team who asked me out 48 hours after Kevin and I broke up… and he totally knew Kevin and that we had just broken up. Good thing Michelle was there to laugh in his face. (We are both going to Hell.)
High – I went to a party and made out with a cute guy!
Low – He was, well… older. (But still cute I swear!)
High – Sarah convinced me to go out with him and I did a few times and had a really good time.
Low – He blew me off and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m chalking it up to good dating experience and him being, “just not that into me”.
High – I get my whole bed ALL TO MYSELF!
Low – Sometimes I crawl onto my dog’s bed and spoon with him until even he gets annoyed with me and starts sighing really loud and trying to roll me off him.
High – I just got his balls chopped off. Ha! George Michael you will never win against me!
High – I can eat where ever and whatever I want to eat. (banana peppers, jalapenos, cheese… anyone?)
Low – I have to pay for all my food myself. I really miss multiple dinners out a month at restaurants like Paggi House and Olivia and 34th Street Café.
High - I can watch whatever movie I want to (What? Lots of people watch Mean Girls and Heathers 4 times a week…)
Low – Somewhere deep down inside of me I know I’m getting dumber watching and re-watching movies with quotes like the following...
“Alyssa, I’m sorry you’re a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re gap-toothed” and “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw”
High – I like to flirt.
Low – I usually end up saying something nerdy. Like really nerdy. Like I bring up Agatha Christie characters or I tell them really long stories about how in 7th grade my girlfriends and I used to make all the boys in our classes carry our books to are next class because somehow I thought that story related to what we were talking about but in the end I just couldn’t make the connection and he got a really weird look on his face.
High – My nerdiness is super-hot!
Low – Too bad no one believes that but me.
*This is a huge deal. HUGE!
Single.
As in one.
As in alone.
As in “ALLLLL BYYYY MYSELLLFFFFF”.
I’ve never been single in my life. I mean pretty much that is a correct statement. I’ve had two serious boyfriends in my post high school “adult” life. So, in the past 10 years I’ve been in two relationships that have lasted 9.5 years. This “being single” this being “young, wild, and free” thing is COMPLETELY new to me. And to be honest I don’t think I’m doing too bad. So here is a quick rundown of my singlehood – the highs and the lows…
High – Turns out I’m not so awkward that no one wants to ask me on dates!*
Low – The first guy to do so was annoying as all getup and a completely creepy dude that used to be on my kickball team who asked me out 48 hours after Kevin and I broke up… and he totally knew Kevin and that we had just broken up. Good thing Michelle was there to laugh in his face. (We are both going to Hell.)
High – I went to a party and made out with a cute guy!
Low – He was, well… older. (But still cute I swear!)
High – Sarah convinced me to go out with him and I did a few times and had a really good time.
Low – He blew me off and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m chalking it up to good dating experience and him being, “just not that into me”.
High – I get my whole bed ALL TO MYSELF!
Low – Sometimes I crawl onto my dog’s bed and spoon with him until even he gets annoyed with me and starts sighing really loud and trying to roll me off him.
High – I just got his balls chopped off. Ha! George Michael you will never win against me!
High – I can eat where ever and whatever I want to eat. (banana peppers, jalapenos, cheese… anyone?)
Low – I have to pay for all my food myself. I really miss multiple dinners out a month at restaurants like Paggi House and Olivia and 34th Street Café.
High - I can watch whatever movie I want to (What? Lots of people watch Mean Girls and Heathers 4 times a week…)
Low – Somewhere deep down inside of me I know I’m getting dumber watching and re-watching movies with quotes like the following...
“Alyssa, I’m sorry you’re a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re gap-toothed” and “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw”
High – I like to flirt.
Low – I usually end up saying something nerdy. Like really nerdy. Like I bring up Agatha Christie characters or I tell them really long stories about how in 7th grade my girlfriends and I used to make all the boys in our classes carry our books to are next class because somehow I thought that story related to what we were talking about but in the end I just couldn’t make the connection and he got a really weird look on his face.
High – My nerdiness is super-hot!
Low – Too bad no one believes that but me.
*This is a huge deal. HUGE!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Single and Alone - A Look Into My Rediculousness
Recently Alaine posted a link on my Facebook page to a list of things single girls do. Needless to say I found it quite hilarious. However I believe some actions were left off this list. I have never been both single and living by myself in my life, so this situation is very new to me. Not only do I not have a significant other to try to be normal (or at least not completely creepy or gross) in front of, but I don’t even have random roommates to act my age in front of. Pretty much I can be as weird and obnoxious as I want to. Really, as long as I every now and then throw my dog a bone, he doesn’t even care.
Things Single and Living By Herself Elaine Does…
1. I constantly paint and repaint my fingernails. Really, I probably do this 3-4 times a week. I think it’s become a relaxation thing to me. Yeah… that’s what I’m telling myself because I feel like it could quickly turn into my eating disorder or cutting. You know, when people become anorexic because food is the one thing in their lives they can control. I’m not saying my life is spiraling out of control, but it doesn’t matter what angry email I received at work or what boy didn’t call me because I can paint my nails St. Tropez Sea Breeze damn it!
2. Sometime when I wake up in the morning I have some left over mascara crumbles just below my eyes and I’ll use a makeup wipe to remove them, but I don’t want to waste the whole wipe because I only used like 10% of its cleaning power and those things are expensive, so I’ll shove it back into the pack with all the nice and clean and not dirtied up wipes to keep it fresh.
3. I don’t own a full length mirror. Don’t think I haven’t set up the timer on my camera and just taken a full length photo to make sure that those shoes really do go with that dress. (Come on! I have no one to ask!) Besides if I learned anything from Cher in Clueless it’s to never trust mirrors and always take Polaroids.
4. I have had more than one dinner that consisted of pickled banana peppers, pickled jalapenos, cheese, and Tecate – all straight from a can or jar.
5. One day I found out that I had drunkenly downloaded a Linkin Park cover of Dust in the Wind by Kansas... wait for it, it gets worse… one night (completely sober) I listened to it on repeat and turned up as loud as I dared with so many neighbors and jammed out to that tragedy for at least 45 minutes.
6. Although it kinda creeps me out when my giant dog pokes his head past the shower curtain when I’m showering, I also love rubbing water on his ears and then watching him frantically trying to lick the water off because I need entertainment when I'm shaving my legs.
7. I’m 97% sure that at this very moment there are at least 3 Rotisserie chickens in various stages of being consumed on the top shelf of my refrigerator and they are all expired and inedible.
8. I make my bed every day. However, don’t ask how often I’ve washed sheets.
9. It’s completely normal to watch an entire season of Sons of Anarchy on DVD from Friday at 6:30PM to Saturday 11:00AM, right?
10. I put my makeup on and do my hair while sitting in the sink. Yup, it’s exactly like it sounds. I sit on the edge of the sink with my feet by the drain. What’s really ridiculous is sometimes in the morning I forget to put my contacts in because I’m sitting so close to the mirror I don’t need them in to get ready. So it isn’t until right before I’m about to get dressed and I’m unfolding myself from the bathroom counter when I realize I can’t see shit and now I have to try to shove my contacts in my eye balls – AFTER I’VE ALREADY PUT MASCARA ON! Fail. Usually on these days (about once a week) I just end up wearing my glasses.
Things Single and Living By Herself Elaine Does…
1. I constantly paint and repaint my fingernails. Really, I probably do this 3-4 times a week. I think it’s become a relaxation thing to me. Yeah… that’s what I’m telling myself because I feel like it could quickly turn into my eating disorder or cutting. You know, when people become anorexic because food is the one thing in their lives they can control. I’m not saying my life is spiraling out of control, but it doesn’t matter what angry email I received at work or what boy didn’t call me because I can paint my nails St. Tropez Sea Breeze damn it!
2. Sometime when I wake up in the morning I have some left over mascara crumbles just below my eyes and I’ll use a makeup wipe to remove them, but I don’t want to waste the whole wipe because I only used like 10% of its cleaning power and those things are expensive, so I’ll shove it back into the pack with all the nice and clean and not dirtied up wipes to keep it fresh.
3. I don’t own a full length mirror. Don’t think I haven’t set up the timer on my camera and just taken a full length photo to make sure that those shoes really do go with that dress. (Come on! I have no one to ask!) Besides if I learned anything from Cher in Clueless it’s to never trust mirrors and always take Polaroids.
4. I have had more than one dinner that consisted of pickled banana peppers, pickled jalapenos, cheese, and Tecate – all straight from a can or jar.
5. One day I found out that I had drunkenly downloaded a Linkin Park cover of Dust in the Wind by Kansas... wait for it, it gets worse… one night (completely sober) I listened to it on repeat and turned up as loud as I dared with so many neighbors and jammed out to that tragedy for at least 45 minutes.
6. Although it kinda creeps me out when my giant dog pokes his head past the shower curtain when I’m showering, I also love rubbing water on his ears and then watching him frantically trying to lick the water off because I need entertainment when I'm shaving my legs.
7. I’m 97% sure that at this very moment there are at least 3 Rotisserie chickens in various stages of being consumed on the top shelf of my refrigerator and they are all expired and inedible.
8. I make my bed every day. However, don’t ask how often I’ve washed sheets.
9. It’s completely normal to watch an entire season of Sons of Anarchy on DVD from Friday at 6:30PM to Saturday 11:00AM, right?
10. I put my makeup on and do my hair while sitting in the sink. Yup, it’s exactly like it sounds. I sit on the edge of the sink with my feet by the drain. What’s really ridiculous is sometimes in the morning I forget to put my contacts in because I’m sitting so close to the mirror I don’t need them in to get ready. So it isn’t until right before I’m about to get dressed and I’m unfolding myself from the bathroom counter when I realize I can’t see shit and now I have to try to shove my contacts in my eye balls – AFTER I’VE ALREADY PUT MASCARA ON! Fail. Usually on these days (about once a week) I just end up wearing my glasses.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Being an Adult - FAIL
So after driving over to Sarah’s house to mooch off her Internet to download the new version of Mac os 10.5 so I can download iTunes so I can sync my new phone so I can function like a normal human being once again and continue to be a positive member of society, I decided to write a quick little blog because let’s be honest I’m probably not going to fix my internet this week. Oh, you didn’t know my awesome new internet is already broken.... keep up readers. Evidently if my dog’s penis isn’t bleeding it’s my internet committing suicide just to piss me off.
So besides the not having the internet, I also don’t have cable. Right now I’m sitting at Sarah’s bar in her kitchen watching The Bachelor. I’ve seen all of 14 minutes of this show and well, readers it turns out I’m not a complete because those bitches are CRAZY.
Look at me functioning in the real world...
I’m not on a TV dating show fake writing vows for a fake wedding even before he fake proposes.
In stead of drinking 7 days in a row, I’m sipping on water. (Mom and Dad be proud)
However things happen where I feel like I’m taking three steps back...
I’m super pissed off about not being able to use my NetFlix on my wii right now to finish watching the first season of Sons Of Anarchy. I’m completely having with draw symptoms from not being able to lust over a greasy biker dude selling some guns. What is wrong with me?
I’m 27 years old and bought brand new bedding from a real adult store that didn’t start with “Tar” and end in “get” only to forget to buy new sheets. Green duvet cover with aqua sheets are being rocked on my bed right now...
Oh, not to go back to the fact that I’m watching this crazy train wreck of a TV show I’m watching, but some chick named Courtney just said how scared she is to get close to the fugly bachelor dude because she’s been hurt by guys and doesn’t trust men. Chick please! You are not special. You are not interesting. You are nothing exciting. You are not an individual snowflake. I hate when girls make dumb commits like this. Obviously you have been hurt and don’t trust dudes. You know how I know that... you’re fucking single!!! Seriously, show me a single girl that doesn’t think this. Show me a single girl who hasn’t been hurt or creeped out or “betrayed” by men and I'll show you a big fat liar.
2 hours later...
I think I'm SOL. My computer is so old I can't update to the new version of Mac OS which means I can't download the new version iTunes which means I can't sync my new phone which means I no music on the new phone.
I fail at being an adult...
So besides the not having the internet, I also don’t have cable. Right now I’m sitting at Sarah’s bar in her kitchen watching The Bachelor. I’ve seen all of 14 minutes of this show and well, readers it turns out I’m not a complete because those bitches are CRAZY.
Look at me functioning in the real world...
I’m not on a TV dating show fake writing vows for a fake wedding even before he fake proposes.
In stead of drinking 7 days in a row, I’m sipping on water. (Mom and Dad be proud)
However things happen where I feel like I’m taking three steps back...
I’m super pissed off about not being able to use my NetFlix on my wii right now to finish watching the first season of Sons Of Anarchy. I’m completely having with draw symptoms from not being able to lust over a greasy biker dude selling some guns. What is wrong with me?
I’m 27 years old and bought brand new bedding from a real adult store that didn’t start with “Tar” and end in “get” only to forget to buy new sheets. Green duvet cover with aqua sheets are being rocked on my bed right now...
Oh, not to go back to the fact that I’m watching this crazy train wreck of a TV show I’m watching, but some chick named Courtney just said how scared she is to get close to the fugly bachelor dude because she’s been hurt by guys and doesn’t trust men. Chick please! You are not special. You are not interesting. You are nothing exciting. You are not an individual snowflake. I hate when girls make dumb commits like this. Obviously you have been hurt and don’t trust dudes. You know how I know that... you’re fucking single!!! Seriously, show me a single girl that doesn’t think this. Show me a single girl who hasn’t been hurt or creeped out or “betrayed” by men and I'll show you a big fat liar.
2 hours later...
I think I'm SOL. My computer is so old I can't update to the new version of Mac OS which means I can't download the new version iTunes which means I can't sync my new phone which means I no music on the new phone.
I fail at being an adult...
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Bad Decisions Lead to Celluloid Catastrophy
Since I'm pretty much broke until my next paycheck (thank God that raise will be kicking in) my fun nights out have been turning into fun nights in. Friday night I spend 3 hours setting up Netflix on my Wii. Stop judging! I hadn't used my Wii in a long time and had a whole bunch of updates on top of the facts that A, I'm not good with any type technology and B, it just seems like anything that is suppose to be easy right now for me... not so much.
Last night my fun night in turned into a fun night in with Sarah. We decided to make dinner (i.e. I picked up chicken from HEB and she cooked the meal) and watch movies. Although, I brought over Congo which might be the best worst movie ever, we decided not to be total nerds and find something On Demand instead.
We first settled on Friends With Benefits. Now, I'm not going to lie or embellish the truth or throw Sarah under the bus. I totally was 50% of making this movie choice. I had a very mathematical reason to pick this movie. It went a little something like this...
Reasons for picking Friends With Benefits...
5% wanting to watch something I had never seen
3% wanting to watch something Sarah had never seen
17% remembering that the previews did make me kinda chuckle
29% knowing that I would probably get to see Justin Timberlake's butt
35% WOOD HARRELSON IS AWESOME
40% I have a giant girl crush on Mila Kunis
(I don't know if that adds up to 100, but hey, I was a liberal arts major.)
It was okay. There were parts where I laughed out loud and then there were parts that were totally predictable and made me remember why I don't like romantic comedies. But, on top of this I learned that maybe watching two beautiful people be all neurotic for 95 minutes only to end up all happily ever after is not a good idea when you just broke up with someone and you still remember what it feels like to be in love but you hate yourself for remembering and you kinda wish there was someone else to push those memories away and fuck Mila Kunis because you could spend 30 minutes doing your makeup and it still wouldn't look as good as her "I just woke up after screwing the hottest member of NSYNC all night" smokey eyes. FUCK! And my girl friends wonder why I've never seen The Notebook.
Then came our choices for movie number 2.
(Please note that it's "I Am Virgin" not "I Am A Virgin" so I'm thinking it must be about a holier that thou cave woman...)
That last one is a little hard to see. It was called "Walk a Mile In My Pradas" which I sure is the lesser know version of Walk The Line where June Carter goes to work under Meryl Streep, but uber bitch Anne Hathaway is fighting for her job and then Johnny Cash turns over in his grave and dies again.
But that's just a guess.
We decide on Drive. This is how we collectively came to this decision.
3% we had both never seen this movie
15% LOTS of people had said this movie was absolutely fantastic
163% it stars Ryan Gosling.
I'm pretty sure that one equals 100%...
So we watched Drive.
All of it.
And I'm super sad because I'll never get those two hours of my life back.
Wow! That movie was horrible! Like really horrible. Like what is wrong with humanity where some people think it's not only okay to make this movie but it's also okay to tell other people that it's good. I feel like this... There is a David Cross standup sketch where he's talking about how he's been an Atheist for a long time and he remembers being in synagog as a kid and hearing about God and angels and whatnot and looking around at all the other people there and being like, "Wait? You don't really believe all of this do you? God smiting the first borns... angels coming down... where are the unicorns?" That's exactly how I feel about Drive! Seriously? Did I watch the same movie everyone else watched? How did other people sit through that piece of shit and have the nerve to talk it up as one of the best movies of the year. I mean, I know people who were angry that it wasn't up for an Oscar. Also I know people who were angry that Ryan Gosling didn't get a Best Actor nod. Are you kidding me!?!?! He said all of 9 words the entire movie and for the other 2 hours and 13 minutes he was making this face...
Oh, making that face and wearing two jackets. The first was a classic straight out of 1987 slightly puffy, members only jacket with a scorpion on the back. And the second was a denim jacket so tight and so blue I'm convinced the costume designer picked it up from the girls department of Target. And then sometimes he wore them together... at the same time...
Things Sarah and I could have been doing for those two hours instead of watching the dumbest movie of the year?
1. Thinking up the best new invention of 2012 so we both could retire to the beach
2. Sleeping (seriously a better use of our time)
3. Going out to bars like normal human beings on a Saturday and meeting our future husbands. Sorry future Mr. Haygood I really wanted to meet the man of my dreams but instead I choose to watch Ryan Gosling smirk at me and drive around wearing a cowboy tuxedo for 2 hours.
FML
Last night my fun night in turned into a fun night in with Sarah. We decided to make dinner (i.e. I picked up chicken from HEB and she cooked the meal) and watch movies. Although, I brought over Congo which might be the best worst movie ever, we decided not to be total nerds and find something On Demand instead.
We first settled on Friends With Benefits. Now, I'm not going to lie or embellish the truth or throw Sarah under the bus. I totally was 50% of making this movie choice. I had a very mathematical reason to pick this movie. It went a little something like this...
Reasons for picking Friends With Benefits...
5% wanting to watch something I had never seen
3% wanting to watch something Sarah had never seen
17% remembering that the previews did make me kinda chuckle
29% knowing that I would probably get to see Justin Timberlake's butt
35% WOOD HARRELSON IS AWESOME
40% I have a giant girl crush on Mila Kunis
(I don't know if that adds up to 100, but hey, I was a liberal arts major.)
It was okay. There were parts where I laughed out loud and then there were parts that were totally predictable and made me remember why I don't like romantic comedies. But, on top of this I learned that maybe watching two beautiful people be all neurotic for 95 minutes only to end up all happily ever after is not a good idea when you just broke up with someone and you still remember what it feels like to be in love but you hate yourself for remembering and you kinda wish there was someone else to push those memories away and fuck Mila Kunis because you could spend 30 minutes doing your makeup and it still wouldn't look as good as her "I just woke up after screwing the hottest member of NSYNC all night" smokey eyes. FUCK! And my girl friends wonder why I've never seen The Notebook.
Then came our choices for movie number 2.
(Please note that it's "I Am Virgin" not "I Am A Virgin" so I'm thinking it must be about a holier that thou cave woman...)
That last one is a little hard to see. It was called "Walk a Mile In My Pradas" which I sure is the lesser know version of Walk The Line where June Carter goes to work under Meryl Streep, but uber bitch Anne Hathaway is fighting for her job and then Johnny Cash turns over in his grave and dies again.
But that's just a guess.
We decide on Drive. This is how we collectively came to this decision.
3% we had both never seen this movie
15% LOTS of people had said this movie was absolutely fantastic
163% it stars Ryan Gosling.
I'm pretty sure that one equals 100%...
So we watched Drive.
All of it.
And I'm super sad because I'll never get those two hours of my life back.
Wow! That movie was horrible! Like really horrible. Like what is wrong with humanity where some people think it's not only okay to make this movie but it's also okay to tell other people that it's good. I feel like this... There is a David Cross standup sketch where he's talking about how he's been an Atheist for a long time and he remembers being in synagog as a kid and hearing about God and angels and whatnot and looking around at all the other people there and being like, "Wait? You don't really believe all of this do you? God smiting the first borns... angels coming down... where are the unicorns?" That's exactly how I feel about Drive! Seriously? Did I watch the same movie everyone else watched? How did other people sit through that piece of shit and have the nerve to talk it up as one of the best movies of the year. I mean, I know people who were angry that it wasn't up for an Oscar. Also I know people who were angry that Ryan Gosling didn't get a Best Actor nod. Are you kidding me!?!?! He said all of 9 words the entire movie and for the other 2 hours and 13 minutes he was making this face...
Oh, making that face and wearing two jackets. The first was a classic straight out of 1987 slightly puffy, members only jacket with a scorpion on the back. And the second was a denim jacket so tight and so blue I'm convinced the costume designer picked it up from the girls department of Target. And then sometimes he wore them together... at the same time...
Things Sarah and I could have been doing for those two hours instead of watching the dumbest movie of the year?
1. Thinking up the best new invention of 2012 so we both could retire to the beach
2. Sleeping (seriously a better use of our time)
3. Going out to bars like normal human beings on a Saturday and meeting our future husbands. Sorry future Mr. Haygood I really wanted to meet the man of my dreams but instead I choose to watch Ryan Gosling smirk at me and drive around wearing a cowboy tuxedo for 2 hours.
FML
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Second "First Post" and A Conversation With Myself.
I really wanted my first post back from this long brake in blogging to be a funny, awkward, “oh shucks Lemon Lady”, haha story. I really did. I started writing two of them, and eventually they will come to furition and they will become blog posts, and well I think y’all will laugh because I think they are funny. However, this isn’t one of them.
Sorry.
I started this blog because I was stuck going to work everyday to an office I hated, to do a job I hated. I was throughly depressed during the day, so I decided to do something about it. I decided that I needed to be creative. Instead of spending 8 hours a day being missirable and doing nothing (oh, did I not say that... yeah I did NOTHING for probably 6 and a half of those 8 hours) I decided to start a blog. Then I got real nervous about actually putting myself out there and letting people read what I write. Then I seriously had to practice telling Kevin (Boyfriend) that I was going to start a blog because even though I knew that he would be nothing but excited for me and supportitive, that is how my crazy mind works. Because deep down there was this little tiny thought that whispered to me, “what if you tell Kevin and then you fail at this or you stop after two posts and he thinks you are a loser or a failure?” Yes, this is how my messed up mind works.
But, one day a really funny thing happened to me in the parking lot of a P F Changs on my lunch break and I bit the big bullet and wrote the story down. Then after emailing it to a few friends and getting some positive feedback it became my first blog post. I finally had a creative outlook in my life and blogging made me really happy.
Then I got a new job and although I really liked blogging and writing and telling embarasing stories about myself, I didn’t really need this blog anymore. I was no longer super bored and super unhappy at work. I have a really cool job that I love and that keeps me very busy all day. I tried to blog a little here and there last summer when I first started, but well... you know what happened. I stopped. I didn’t want my blog to become something I did because I felt obligated to do it. I didn’t want to sit infront of a computer screen and have to rack my brain to think of something mildly funny I could write about because it was Monday and you have to post on Monday. (At least thats what all the "make your blog successful" articles say.)
Well, hello blog. I’m back. I’m back because I need you again. So, here goes... Kevin and I broke up.
Yup.
Wow, I thought this would be easier to write.
We broke up. 5 and a half years later, we broke up, and now I need my blog again. I need to write about funny, frivolous events that happen to remind me that he wasn’t my whole life. I need to write to create a cocoon for myself. I need to write on this blog, so I won’t spend every night wondering in words where the past 5 and a half years of my life went in my journal. I need to write so maybe I won’t feel “okay” anymore. I’m very over feeling, “okay”.
So this is my apology to you blog and to you readers. I’m sorry for using this blog for my own therapy. I’m sorry to stringing you, my readers, along for months and then quitting on you cold turkey style only to come running back to you a few months later when my life goes to Hell. I’m sorry that this isn’t funny, and I’m sorry that this isn’t witty. I’m sorry that I’m going to ask you to look beyond my faults, because God knows I have plenty of them, and jump back into a relationship with me and my little website. If you’re in, I’m in.
And just because I can’t help myself and I have to do something a little fun and a little “not so depressing”, here is a Q&A.
Blog: So, Elaine, tell us, are you going to pussy out and quit on us again or are you going to put on your big girl panties and keep this blog up?
Elaine: (Yes, my name is Elaine... moving on) Wow, blog. Way to ease me back into this. I really don’t want to quit again and I’m going to try to be diligent and keep this up. Promise. Does having a box of half eaten Girl Scout cookies on my stove right now make me "scouty" enough to say "Scout's Honor"?
Blog: How are you?
Elaine: Okay...
Blog: So, in the big divorse, who got the dog?
Elaine: I did. Trust me I’ve got about a gazillion “my dog is so awkward” stories. Right now he is laying half way on his bed, on his back, spread eagle, barking in his sleep. But, at least his penis isn't bleeding which is a whole other 50 posts.
Blog: I think we all would like to know what exactly are you wearing at this very moment?
Elaine: Yoga pants and a tie die T shirt. Obviously I’m dressed to pick up my future husband... or a date.
Blog: So, you are dating?
Elaine: No. I’m not going to lie there is definently the thought of dating someone sometime, but I’m not looking. In fact, not only am I not looking but i’m actaully saying no to suiters faces when they ask for my number. Seriously like three days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half years a gentleman aquantance, who totally knew Kevin and about the breakup, asked for my number and I quite literaly laughed and said no straight to his face. I felt bad for a second, but then I remembered that he knew I had been single for all of 2 minutes and I didn’t feel bad anymore.
Blog: So, you could be looking...
Elaine: Just the thought of that someone perfect out there somewhere is good enough for me at this moment.
Blog: So you got kinda serious up there at the beginning of this post. Are we going to see a more serious side of you in the posts to come?
Elaine: I doubt it, but I’m not going to say no. I want to get back to the roots of my little blog and write about funny stories and things that make me happy and random wonderings that float around my head. But at the same time, I’m writing this time for a completely different reason. Before I really wanted to recap the TV shows and write about pretty dresses because I needed to express myself creatively. This time I just need a cheap, free theapist. So, we will see. I don’t want to limit myself or not let my thoughts leave the cute box I built for myself last year when I was in a very different place in my life. But, just FYI, there will be no TV recaps as I don't have cable right now.
Blog: Quick, through us a bone and tell me something funny!
Elaine: My friend Sarah told me today that her friend's Trivia Team name is "We Let Midgets Go Up On Us".
Blog: Is there anything you would like to say to anyone who might be reading your blog for the first time?
Elaine: Yes, I'm usually not depressing. If you'd like the meat and potatoes of my blog, I suggest you check out the following three post...
1. That one time I kicked my Dr. in the face and gave her a bloody nose.
2. That one time I gave myself a serious burn and instead of going to the Dr. I hung out with my new boyfriend. (Oh, I love that in this post I got to write the sentence, "Lemon Lady, you're feeling yourself up with icicles.")
3. The time I got real bitchy and reviewed Carrie Underwood's dresses for the CMAs.
Blog: So, what are you listening to right now?
Elaine: Really blog? Really? You couldn't have asked me this like 3 minutes ago?
Blog: Tell us.
Elaine: Fine. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas... I hate you.
Blog: I think you love me.
Elaine: you might be right.
Blog: Friends forever?
Elaine: Deal.
Sorry.
I started this blog because I was stuck going to work everyday to an office I hated, to do a job I hated. I was throughly depressed during the day, so I decided to do something about it. I decided that I needed to be creative. Instead of spending 8 hours a day being missirable and doing nothing (oh, did I not say that... yeah I did NOTHING for probably 6 and a half of those 8 hours) I decided to start a blog. Then I got real nervous about actually putting myself out there and letting people read what I write. Then I seriously had to practice telling Kevin (Boyfriend) that I was going to start a blog because even though I knew that he would be nothing but excited for me and supportitive, that is how my crazy mind works. Because deep down there was this little tiny thought that whispered to me, “what if you tell Kevin and then you fail at this or you stop after two posts and he thinks you are a loser or a failure?” Yes, this is how my messed up mind works.
But, one day a really funny thing happened to me in the parking lot of a P F Changs on my lunch break and I bit the big bullet and wrote the story down. Then after emailing it to a few friends and getting some positive feedback it became my first blog post. I finally had a creative outlook in my life and blogging made me really happy.
Then I got a new job and although I really liked blogging and writing and telling embarasing stories about myself, I didn’t really need this blog anymore. I was no longer super bored and super unhappy at work. I have a really cool job that I love and that keeps me very busy all day. I tried to blog a little here and there last summer when I first started, but well... you know what happened. I stopped. I didn’t want my blog to become something I did because I felt obligated to do it. I didn’t want to sit infront of a computer screen and have to rack my brain to think of something mildly funny I could write about because it was Monday and you have to post on Monday. (At least thats what all the "make your blog successful" articles say.)
Well, hello blog. I’m back. I’m back because I need you again. So, here goes... Kevin and I broke up.
Yup.
Wow, I thought this would be easier to write.
We broke up. 5 and a half years later, we broke up, and now I need my blog again. I need to write about funny, frivolous events that happen to remind me that he wasn’t my whole life. I need to write to create a cocoon for myself. I need to write on this blog, so I won’t spend every night wondering in words where the past 5 and a half years of my life went in my journal. I need to write so maybe I won’t feel “okay” anymore. I’m very over feeling, “okay”.
So this is my apology to you blog and to you readers. I’m sorry for using this blog for my own therapy. I’m sorry to stringing you, my readers, along for months and then quitting on you cold turkey style only to come running back to you a few months later when my life goes to Hell. I’m sorry that this isn’t funny, and I’m sorry that this isn’t witty. I’m sorry that I’m going to ask you to look beyond my faults, because God knows I have plenty of them, and jump back into a relationship with me and my little website. If you’re in, I’m in.
And just because I can’t help myself and I have to do something a little fun and a little “not so depressing”, here is a Q&A.
Blog: So, Elaine, tell us, are you going to pussy out and quit on us again or are you going to put on your big girl panties and keep this blog up?
Elaine: (Yes, my name is Elaine... moving on) Wow, blog. Way to ease me back into this. I really don’t want to quit again and I’m going to try to be diligent and keep this up. Promise. Does having a box of half eaten Girl Scout cookies on my stove right now make me "scouty" enough to say "Scout's Honor"?
Blog: How are you?
Elaine: Okay...
Blog: So, in the big divorse, who got the dog?
Elaine: I did. Trust me I’ve got about a gazillion “my dog is so awkward” stories. Right now he is laying half way on his bed, on his back, spread eagle, barking in his sleep. But, at least his penis isn't bleeding which is a whole other 50 posts.
Blog: I think we all would like to know what exactly are you wearing at this very moment?
Elaine: Yoga pants and a tie die T shirt. Obviously I’m dressed to pick up my future husband... or a date.
Blog: So, you are dating?
Elaine: No. I’m not going to lie there is definently the thought of dating someone sometime, but I’m not looking. In fact, not only am I not looking but i’m actaully saying no to suiters faces when they ask for my number. Seriously like three days after breaking up with my boyfriend of 5 and a half years a gentleman aquantance, who totally knew Kevin and about the breakup, asked for my number and I quite literaly laughed and said no straight to his face. I felt bad for a second, but then I remembered that he knew I had been single for all of 2 minutes and I didn’t feel bad anymore.
Blog: So, you could be looking...
Elaine: Just the thought of that someone perfect out there somewhere is good enough for me at this moment.
Blog: So you got kinda serious up there at the beginning of this post. Are we going to see a more serious side of you in the posts to come?
Elaine: I doubt it, but I’m not going to say no. I want to get back to the roots of my little blog and write about funny stories and things that make me happy and random wonderings that float around my head. But at the same time, I’m writing this time for a completely different reason. Before I really wanted to recap the TV shows and write about pretty dresses because I needed to express myself creatively. This time I just need a cheap, free theapist. So, we will see. I don’t want to limit myself or not let my thoughts leave the cute box I built for myself last year when I was in a very different place in my life. But, just FYI, there will be no TV recaps as I don't have cable right now.
Blog: Quick, through us a bone and tell me something funny!
Elaine: My friend Sarah told me today that her friend's Trivia Team name is "We Let Midgets Go Up On Us".
Blog: Is there anything you would like to say to anyone who might be reading your blog for the first time?
Elaine: Yes, I'm usually not depressing. If you'd like the meat and potatoes of my blog, I suggest you check out the following three post...
1. That one time I kicked my Dr. in the face and gave her a bloody nose.
2. That one time I gave myself a serious burn and instead of going to the Dr. I hung out with my new boyfriend. (Oh, I love that in this post I got to write the sentence, "Lemon Lady, you're feeling yourself up with icicles.")
3. The time I got real bitchy and reviewed Carrie Underwood's dresses for the CMAs.
Blog: So, what are you listening to right now?
Elaine: Really blog? Really? You couldn't have asked me this like 3 minutes ago?
Blog: Tell us.
Elaine: Fine. My Humps - Black Eyed Peas... I hate you.
Blog: I think you love me.
Elaine: you might be right.
Blog: Friends forever?
Elaine: Deal.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
You're Welcome (that's right you better enjoy my half assed blog posts bc you're lucky to be getting these right now... i'm just kidding. i tease...)
A few weeks ago I was sent this blog post by nearly everyone I know. It also made the rounds on Facebook fairly quick. I’m not going to lie, I laughed out loud. I also most peed my pants a few days later when I ran into a large chicken hanging out in the front yard of a house right across from the park we play kickball in.
You’re Welcome.
You know what else is funny. When my dog falls asleep with his teeth hanging out his mouth.
You’re Welcome.
You know is not so awesome... your giant dog learning how to get up on your bed that you don't allow him on. Actually it's even less awesome when he wakes you and your boyfriend up at 7 in the morning to let him out and feed him so you then take your sleepy ass to the futon to fight for space with your boyfriend and watch some DVRed soccer only to realize 2 hours later that you can't find your dog so you drag yourself back into your bedroom to find him laying in the middle of you bed.
But, he is really cute so You're Welcome.
Back to awesome, my coworker was reading this book at work. Evidently she went to Barnes and Nobles and asked for an equestrian novel. (She used to ride for the Kansas St. Equestrian Team.) They didn't have anything at the store so the order it for her. She had no idea what she was getting herself into until she opened the B&N box that came in the mail a few days later.
You're Welcome
You’re Welcome.
You know what else is funny. When my dog falls asleep with his teeth hanging out his mouth.
You’re Welcome.
You know is not so awesome... your giant dog learning how to get up on your bed that you don't allow him on. Actually it's even less awesome when he wakes you and your boyfriend up at 7 in the morning to let him out and feed him so you then take your sleepy ass to the futon to fight for space with your boyfriend and watch some DVRed soccer only to realize 2 hours later that you can't find your dog so you drag yourself back into your bedroom to find him laying in the middle of you bed.
But, he is really cute so You're Welcome.
Back to awesome, my coworker was reading this book at work. Evidently she went to Barnes and Nobles and asked for an equestrian novel. (She used to ride for the Kansas St. Equestrian Team.) They didn't have anything at the store so the order it for her. She had no idea what she was getting herself into until she opened the B&N box that came in the mail a few days later.
You're Welcome
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Seriously You Guys... Can I Just Grow Up Already
When do you become an adult?
I know I’ve asked this question before, but seriously this time. When will I be a grown up?
Here are somethings that have happened in the past week that make me think I’m grown up…
I paid my car insurance
I made healthy food for lunches this week
I turn off all the lights in my house when I leave
I only had two glasses of wine on Saturday instead of the whole bottle
I woke up early on Sunday and took my dog for a walk
Here are some thing I’ve done in the past week that make me think I’ll be child FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE…
I paid rent – 2 days late
I had migas for breakfast with Boyfriend on Sunday and then two hours later I had second breakfast with LSU Friend that consisted of chips, guacamole, and a Bloody Mary
I went to Target with three things on my list: pool toys, candy, and face paint
I shot gun a beer completely sober in my own home just because Boyfriend said I couldn’t do it
I gave my dog a pig’s ear so he would be content while I played Beer Pong on my original 1947 hardwood floors
I went to a 4th of July BBQ with people whose average age was probably 28 only to spend 40 minutes in the pool singing along to the Disney songs playing from a fellow BBQer’s iPod with all the other people who were there.
…and I have proof…
I know I’ve asked this question before, but seriously this time. When will I be a grown up?
Here are somethings that have happened in the past week that make me think I’m grown up…
I paid my car insurance
I made healthy food for lunches this week
I turn off all the lights in my house when I leave
I only had two glasses of wine on Saturday instead of the whole bottle
I woke up early on Sunday and took my dog for a walk
Here are some thing I’ve done in the past week that make me think I’ll be child FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE…
I paid rent – 2 days late
I had migas for breakfast with Boyfriend on Sunday and then two hours later I had second breakfast with LSU Friend that consisted of chips, guacamole, and a Bloody Mary
I went to Target with three things on my list: pool toys, candy, and face paint
I shot gun a beer completely sober in my own home just because Boyfriend said I couldn’t do it
I gave my dog a pig’s ear so he would be content while I played Beer Pong on my original 1947 hardwood floors
I went to a 4th of July BBQ with people whose average age was probably 28 only to spend 40 minutes in the pool singing along to the Disney songs playing from a fellow BBQer’s iPod with all the other people who were there.
…and I have proof…
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
WalMart and A Herd of Great Danes...
Long time readers will know that every now and then I write a blog post that is just a blog post. This is one of those. So, those that are here looking for laugh out loud, hilarious, embarrassing stories please check out this post or this post.
This past weekend I had Saturday Date Night with LSU Friend at the Draft House to view Bad Teacher and down some queso and pizza. The movie was funny, but not even Justin Timberlake not living up to my expectations as a nerdy substitute teacher can pull down Bad Ass Queso from the Draft House. After our intimate dinner and a movie, LSU Friend dragged me to WalMart across the street so she could stock up on snacks (does anyone else always type “snakes” instead of snacks? No? just me…) for her buddies birthday party the next day.
Weird.
This WalMart is weird. It’s a Super WalMart, but isn’t smaller than any other regular WalMart I’ve ever been in. This means that you have the large food area, but then the rest of the store is smooched together with no rhyme or reason at all.
Examples…
There was a random display of scented wax for making candles right next to the bathing suit cover ups and the Nursing Scrubs.
There was a large selection of Lemonade and other Crystal Light knock offs in the sewing aisle.
They had Big Business for sale on Blue Ray for 5$, but not on regular DVD. (Okay this isn’t an example of this particular store laid out in an odd way, but this just made me mad so I wanted to include it somewhere.)
Also, the rear wall of this WalMart (you know where the soda and dog food are stacked) wasn’t a real wall.
It was one of those fake walls you see at Cosco or Sam Club. Like, you could look through the wall and see a whole other store back there with more food and racks of cheap tee shirts. I mean I understand needing a stock room, but that stock area was the size of this too small WalMart. Why have all that extra room? And why have it open to the masses shopping on the store side of the dog food wall? It kinda felt like Narnia might have been on the other side, so I wanted to sneak over, but then I remembered I was at WalMart and Narnia would probably have a door at Target before WalMart.
Oh and there was an awesome bike selling cheese in the deli!
But, alas… there was no chain.
Awesome find! Trick beer pong balls!
But alas… the balls lie and bounce no higher than regular ping pong balls.
On Sunday, George Michael and I headed to a local dog park for an Austin Great Dane Meet Up. George Michael was a little over whelmed by all the large dogs and preferred to play with the non-Dane puppies in the park. However, I was able to trick him into being social with his own kind for a few minutes to get a few photos. It was so cool to see what I can only describe as a herd of Great Danes. They are so big! They are so pretty! They are so awkward! They are so not active! For the most part they stood around in small groups, just like the humans stood around in small groups. We, the humans, talked about how long we’ve had our Danes, where we got them, and funny stories about them. I’m sure they stood around chatting about favorite treats, those fucking pesky squirrels, and how wonderful a nap would feel right then.
This past weekend I had Saturday Date Night with LSU Friend at the Draft House to view Bad Teacher and down some queso and pizza. The movie was funny, but not even Justin Timberlake not living up to my expectations as a nerdy substitute teacher can pull down Bad Ass Queso from the Draft House. After our intimate dinner and a movie, LSU Friend dragged me to WalMart across the street so she could stock up on snacks (does anyone else always type “snakes” instead of snacks? No? just me…) for her buddies birthday party the next day.
Weird.
This WalMart is weird. It’s a Super WalMart, but isn’t smaller than any other regular WalMart I’ve ever been in. This means that you have the large food area, but then the rest of the store is smooched together with no rhyme or reason at all.
Examples…
There was a random display of scented wax for making candles right next to the bathing suit cover ups and the Nursing Scrubs.
There was a large selection of Lemonade and other Crystal Light knock offs in the sewing aisle.
They had Big Business for sale on Blue Ray for 5$, but not on regular DVD. (Okay this isn’t an example of this particular store laid out in an odd way, but this just made me mad so I wanted to include it somewhere.)
Also, the rear wall of this WalMart (you know where the soda and dog food are stacked) wasn’t a real wall.
It was one of those fake walls you see at Cosco or Sam Club. Like, you could look through the wall and see a whole other store back there with more food and racks of cheap tee shirts. I mean I understand needing a stock room, but that stock area was the size of this too small WalMart. Why have all that extra room? And why have it open to the masses shopping on the store side of the dog food wall? It kinda felt like Narnia might have been on the other side, so I wanted to sneak over, but then I remembered I was at WalMart and Narnia would probably have a door at Target before WalMart. Oh and there was an awesome bike selling cheese in the deli!
But, alas… there was no chain.
Awesome find! Trick beer pong balls!
But alas… the balls lie and bounce no higher than regular ping pong balls.On Sunday, George Michael and I headed to a local dog park for an Austin Great Dane Meet Up. George Michael was a little over whelmed by all the large dogs and preferred to play with the non-Dane puppies in the park. However, I was able to trick him into being social with his own kind for a few minutes to get a few photos. It was so cool to see what I can only describe as a herd of Great Danes. They are so big! They are so pretty! They are so awkward! They are so not active! For the most part they stood around in small groups, just like the humans stood around in small groups. We, the humans, talked about how long we’ve had our Danes, where we got them, and funny stories about them. I’m sure they stood around chatting about favorite treats, those fucking pesky squirrels, and how wonderful a nap would feel right then.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
I Need You Help! Oh, and Boyfriend's New Foot Wear...
Okay, blog readers, I’ve done a lot for you in the past. In the past year, well almost year, I’ve slaved over my TV set recapping series just to be seriously pissed off when people like Gretchen win Project Runway, I’ve embarrassed most of my friends (and I don’t have that many to start with), and I’ve shamed myself countless times by telling and retelling way too many awkward stories about my life. I’ve done this all for you readers.
So, I’m asking for something in return. I need advice.
My sister, over at www.froggyandthemouse.com is on this HUGE blog kick. She just got her own domain, she upped her blogging skills by tackling wordpress, she got some designer to make her fancy new graphics, she started Tweeting, she has a specific FaceBook page just for her blog, she blogs like every day… Can we all just take a moment and bask in my sister’s awesomeness…
Okay no more basking, back to doing.
I by no means and am trying to be my sister, but Sister has this goal of us both going to the BlogHer 2012 Conference and to do this, I would much rather have a sponsor (or multiple sponsors) to pay for a big chunk of the expense. Therefore I need to up my blog awesomeness and get some more exposure.
Being a part of BlogHer is really cool. I applied and did a lot of work like five months ago just to be put on a waiting list. Now, you can find me on their website www.blogher.com and that ad there ->
Yeah, if you click that I get paid… heck yeah!
My big issue with marketing my blog is I feel like it doesn’t fall into a nice, neat category for readers. Meaning I can’t market to fashion sites, because my blog is not a fashion blog. It’s not an entertainment blog nor a TV blog. I’m not a mother, military wife, or deaf African American gardener. If anyone can figure out how to explain LemonsLemonsLemons in 5 words or less, please let me know. And just FYI, “Awkward 20 something” seems to be too vague and hasn’t really helped me.
I would also appreciate some feedback about what you like and don’t like about my site. Do you like the title or do you think it’s weird and has nothing to do with what I write about? Do you like my blog’s simplistic style or should I jazz it up a bit? Are the BlogHer ads in a weird spot? Is the font to small? Do I use to many pictures or not enough pictures? Are you on Twitter? Would you follow LemonsLemonsLemons if it was on Twitter? What are you favorite posts ever? Which posts did you not care for? Do you miss the TV recaps? Would you like more red carpet coverage?
I know I’m asking a lot, but I’m very interested in hearing what you guys have to say and how y’all feel. I know many of you don’t comment very often, but please help me out today and leave a quick note.
Oh, and because I don’t expect you to do everything for me, here is a mini post.
Last week, Boyfriend and I drove to San Antonio to hang out with my parents, grandparents, and uncle. 30 minutes before we left Boyfriend came limping into the kitchen where my grandmother and I were playing a card game while waiting for dad to finish the ribs on the grill.
Boyfriend: “Um, do you think your parents have a Band-Aid?
Since Boyfriend refuses to wear shoes whenever he is within 100 feet of a pool, of course he was walking barefoot while cleaning the filter and of course he cut his foot. My mom quickly transformed in Wonder Mom and had his foot bandaged in less than five. One Dora the Explorer later and he was fine. Five minutes after that we were all sitting around the table eating ribs and everything in the world was good once again.
On Monday I came to a bag full of this on my table.
According to Boyfriend ALL this was needed to help him heal properly because his foot had almost fallen off in San Antonio.
Oh, and in case you are wondering what a “finger cot” is, here is a visual.
Yes, Boyfriend has been walking around all week with a tiny condom on his toe and he sees nothing wrong with this.
Please, please leave some comments and help me out. Thanks y’all!
So, I’m asking for something in return. I need advice.
My sister, over at www.froggyandthemouse.com is on this HUGE blog kick. She just got her own domain, she upped her blogging skills by tackling wordpress, she got some designer to make her fancy new graphics, she started Tweeting, she has a specific FaceBook page just for her blog, she blogs like every day… Can we all just take a moment and bask in my sister’s awesomeness…
Okay no more basking, back to doing.
I by no means and am trying to be my sister, but Sister has this goal of us both going to the BlogHer 2012 Conference and to do this, I would much rather have a sponsor (or multiple sponsors) to pay for a big chunk of the expense. Therefore I need to up my blog awesomeness and get some more exposure.
Being a part of BlogHer is really cool. I applied and did a lot of work like five months ago just to be put on a waiting list. Now, you can find me on their website www.blogher.com and that ad there ->
Yeah, if you click that I get paid… heck yeah!
My big issue with marketing my blog is I feel like it doesn’t fall into a nice, neat category for readers. Meaning I can’t market to fashion sites, because my blog is not a fashion blog. It’s not an entertainment blog nor a TV blog. I’m not a mother, military wife, or deaf African American gardener. If anyone can figure out how to explain LemonsLemonsLemons in 5 words or less, please let me know. And just FYI, “Awkward 20 something” seems to be too vague and hasn’t really helped me.
I would also appreciate some feedback about what you like and don’t like about my site. Do you like the title or do you think it’s weird and has nothing to do with what I write about? Do you like my blog’s simplistic style or should I jazz it up a bit? Are the BlogHer ads in a weird spot? Is the font to small? Do I use to many pictures or not enough pictures? Are you on Twitter? Would you follow LemonsLemonsLemons if it was on Twitter? What are you favorite posts ever? Which posts did you not care for? Do you miss the TV recaps? Would you like more red carpet coverage?
I know I’m asking a lot, but I’m very interested in hearing what you guys have to say and how y’all feel. I know many of you don’t comment very often, but please help me out today and leave a quick note.
Oh, and because I don’t expect you to do everything for me, here is a mini post.
Last week, Boyfriend and I drove to San Antonio to hang out with my parents, grandparents, and uncle. 30 minutes before we left Boyfriend came limping into the kitchen where my grandmother and I were playing a card game while waiting for dad to finish the ribs on the grill.
Boyfriend: “Um, do you think your parents have a Band-Aid?
Since Boyfriend refuses to wear shoes whenever he is within 100 feet of a pool, of course he was walking barefoot while cleaning the filter and of course he cut his foot. My mom quickly transformed in Wonder Mom and had his foot bandaged in less than five. One Dora the Explorer later and he was fine. Five minutes after that we were all sitting around the table eating ribs and everything in the world was good once again.
On Monday I came to a bag full of this on my table.
According to Boyfriend ALL this was needed to help him heal properly because his foot had almost fallen off in San Antonio.
Oh, and in case you are wondering what a “finger cot” is, here is a visual.
Yes, Boyfriend has been walking around all week with a tiny condom on his toe and he sees nothing wrong with this.
Please, please leave some comments and help me out. Thanks y’all!
Monday, June 20, 2011
Just Trying To Be A Good Daughter: Why I HATE Dick's Sporting Goods...
I wrote this post last weekend, but since it’s about buying my dad a Father’s Day gift and sometimes he reads this blog I’m waiting until Monday to post. However, I could not wait until Monday to write it, because I don’t want to lose any of my annoyance or vigor in this subject.
I officially hate Dick’s Sporting Goods. I will never go there again.
The thing is, I have all these negative emotions not because some A-hole sales person pissed me off, not because they royally screwed up an online order, not because as I walking in the store they ass raped me and then sold off my first born child. No, I hate them simply because they suck.
…
Correction The Dick’s Sporting Goods at the Hill Country Galleria in Bee Caves, Texas sucks.
This store has got to be the crappiest sports store I’ve ever stepped into. Which really disappointed me because A: The only other Dick’s I’ve ever been in was the one in San Antonio at the Rim and that store is freaking AWESOME and B: I really needed to get my dad a father’s day gift that day, since I didn’t have the dog with me and could therefor go shopping without my dog passing out due to heat exhaustion in my car. The San Antonio store is like two stories and has “stuff” for like every sport you could dream about participating in and well, I didn’t spend a lot of time looking like crazy in depth, but it seemed really fabulous. Oh, AND (just to add some icing) it’s not like I was walking into Dick’s with one random extremely specific piece of sporting equipment I wanted to buy. In fact I had a list of multiple ideas of things I could get my father – none being very specific – and I was still disappointed.
Item #1: Texas A&M athletic shorts.
My Dad likes to lounge around the house in workout/athletic shorts. I just happen to be an expert on these since Boyfriend owns approximately 43 pairs of this specific type of shorts therefor making me an expert in buying them. I know to look for a good drawstring and deep pockets and logos or prints sewn into the shorts instead of just stamped on. I got this. (Okay, so I know what you’re thinking, this is maybe sorta kinda a specific thing and I said in the above paragraph that I wasn’t looking for specific things, but really in Austin, TX looking for university wear of ANY school in Texas isn’t weird. We don’t have a professional team in my city, so collegiate wear is EVERYWHERE.)
First of all, the Support Your Team sections was dismally small. Like, I’ve seen dorm rooms bigger than this area. I kept turning the corner thinking that there had to be more of a selection on the other side, but the other side was full of those Nike running shorts that only serious runners (you know the ones with the tiny little hats and bottled water belts) and sorority girls wears. Which by the way, before you start thinking “BS Lemon Lady I’ve seen you sport those" I wear the $7.99 knockoffs from Academy. Thank you very much.) Seriously they could have renamed Dick’s and made it “Sorority Girl and Serious Runners with Small Hat and Water Bottle Belts Sporting Goods” but I get it. Nothing runs of the tongue better than Dick’s.
(coughthatswhatshesaidcough)
Back to the Support Your Team section… I get that I live in a city that at times feels like it’s been painted in Burn Orange. I get this. I understand this. In fact, I fully support this as I went to that school myself. (Actually if you want to get technical my Dad fully supports this since he paid for my education, but that’s kinda a sore subject around my house.) So, I expected to find more Longhorns stamped on things than anything maroon and white, but when I say that there was literally two different A&M Tee Shirts and that was it for anything pro Aggies I’m being completely honest. I mean come on Dick’s A&M is only 120 miles away and is the second largest school in the State of Texas… where is your love and support? I think I should also let y’all know that there really wasn’t that much UT clothing either. What was taking up 65% of the dorm room sized area? Texas Ranger crap. And you know that if they had sucked last year the way they have always sucked there would have only been like three jerseys and a lone baseball hat. It was just an extremely disappointing section of an extremely disappointing store.
Item #2: Fun, Random Golf Accessories.
When in doubt, go to the golf area. I have no idea what any of that crap is but it always seems exciting to Boyfriend who golfs and Dad golfs so… yeah Dad’s getting some golf… stuff. Except there is no random golf crap area. What??? Where are all the golf gloves, golf towels, golf rangefinders, golf ball cleaners, golf watches…??? Where are these things??? Let me tell you, they are not at the Dick’s in Bee Caves, so don’t look there. I mean I could either buy him a box of balls (with the store I’m at somewhere there is a Dick in the Box joke, I just can’t get there) or like a golf tee. That’s it.
No thank you Dick’s. I’m not that desperate and I love my father more.
Item #3: Fun Pool Toys.
My dad turns into an eight year old when around water. Pool, beach, river, whatever he doesn’t discriminate. Last year my parents built a pool in their backyard and my father is in Heaven. (To be honest I’m in Heaven, too, when I’m lucky enough to get to spend a weekend there.) So, I thought some fun pool toys would make a great gift. Rafts! Floaties! Random sinking things! Oh, except Dick’s had nothing. Not a noodle. Not a flipper. Nothing. They did have $50 goggles and underwater weights. Because nothing says Happy Father’s Day like overpriced, lime green, protective eye wear and a really heavy spongy weight that might as well scream, “You need to lose a few pounds!”. Fail Dick’s. You fail.
Item #4: Golf Shirt.
Okay, I know, a golf shirt is not exciting at all and honestly this was not on my list when I was all bright eyed and bushy tailed 20 minutes ago when I entered the soul sucking store that is Dick’s. But, I figured I might as well take a look. Actually, at this point I was just wondering around with a UBBER confused look on my face and I needed to focus on something. GOLF WEAR! All hope is not lost! I can actually get a gift out of this expedition.
I pulled myself together and walked to men’s golf clothing. Oh look a nice shirt - $78. Oh look another nice shirt - $69.99. Oh loo - $112!!! (I kid you not, I saw a normal looking red and blue golf shirt for $112.) I feel kinda bad writing this, because I don’t want y’all to think I don’t love my father, because I do. I would spend thousands on this man if I could afford it. My new job is awesome, but I’m not making quite as much as I was and I’m trying really hard (sometimes unsuccessfully) to live on a budget. My biggest problem with these prices are not that they are expensive. I get it that Nike is expensive. I get it that golf is just an expensive sport all around. What I don’t understand is mother F-ing Dick’s!!!
…wait for it…
IT IS THE FUCKING THURSDAY BEFORE FUCKING FATHER’S DAY!!! WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMN SALES DICK’S!!! ISN’T THIS YOUR BIGGEST WEEKEND OF YOUR WHOLE FUCKING YEAR!!! … FUCK!!!
Okay, I feel better now. This post is exactly the reason why I need to start going back to yoga. Well, this post and my love for all things that start with Mexican and end with Food. Hopefully my father likes his Father’s Day gift that I just ended up ordering online while my dog napped at my feet.
(Sorry for all the cursing, Dad. But I did it all for you…)
I officially hate Dick’s Sporting Goods. I will never go there again.
The thing is, I have all these negative emotions not because some A-hole sales person pissed me off, not because they royally screwed up an online order, not because as I walking in the store they ass raped me and then sold off my first born child. No, I hate them simply because they suck.
…
Correction The Dick’s Sporting Goods at the Hill Country Galleria in Bee Caves, Texas sucks.
This store has got to be the crappiest sports store I’ve ever stepped into. Which really disappointed me because A: The only other Dick’s I’ve ever been in was the one in San Antonio at the Rim and that store is freaking AWESOME and B: I really needed to get my dad a father’s day gift that day, since I didn’t have the dog with me and could therefor go shopping without my dog passing out due to heat exhaustion in my car. The San Antonio store is like two stories and has “stuff” for like every sport you could dream about participating in and well, I didn’t spend a lot of time looking like crazy in depth, but it seemed really fabulous. Oh, AND (just to add some icing) it’s not like I was walking into Dick’s with one random extremely specific piece of sporting equipment I wanted to buy. In fact I had a list of multiple ideas of things I could get my father – none being very specific – and I was still disappointed.
Item #1: Texas A&M athletic shorts.
My Dad likes to lounge around the house in workout/athletic shorts. I just happen to be an expert on these since Boyfriend owns approximately 43 pairs of this specific type of shorts therefor making me an expert in buying them. I know to look for a good drawstring and deep pockets and logos or prints sewn into the shorts instead of just stamped on. I got this. (Okay, so I know what you’re thinking, this is maybe sorta kinda a specific thing and I said in the above paragraph that I wasn’t looking for specific things, but really in Austin, TX looking for university wear of ANY school in Texas isn’t weird. We don’t have a professional team in my city, so collegiate wear is EVERYWHERE.)
First of all, the Support Your Team sections was dismally small. Like, I’ve seen dorm rooms bigger than this area. I kept turning the corner thinking that there had to be more of a selection on the other side, but the other side was full of those Nike running shorts that only serious runners (you know the ones with the tiny little hats and bottled water belts) and sorority girls wears. Which by the way, before you start thinking “BS Lemon Lady I’ve seen you sport those" I wear the $7.99 knockoffs from Academy. Thank you very much.) Seriously they could have renamed Dick’s and made it “Sorority Girl and Serious Runners with Small Hat and Water Bottle Belts Sporting Goods” but I get it. Nothing runs of the tongue better than Dick’s.
(coughthatswhatshesaidcough)
Back to the Support Your Team section… I get that I live in a city that at times feels like it’s been painted in Burn Orange. I get this. I understand this. In fact, I fully support this as I went to that school myself. (Actually if you want to get technical my Dad fully supports this since he paid for my education, but that’s kinda a sore subject around my house.) So, I expected to find more Longhorns stamped on things than anything maroon and white, but when I say that there was literally two different A&M Tee Shirts and that was it for anything pro Aggies I’m being completely honest. I mean come on Dick’s A&M is only 120 miles away and is the second largest school in the State of Texas… where is your love and support? I think I should also let y’all know that there really wasn’t that much UT clothing either. What was taking up 65% of the dorm room sized area? Texas Ranger crap. And you know that if they had sucked last year the way they have always sucked there would have only been like three jerseys and a lone baseball hat. It was just an extremely disappointing section of an extremely disappointing store.
Item #2: Fun, Random Golf Accessories.
When in doubt, go to the golf area. I have no idea what any of that crap is but it always seems exciting to Boyfriend who golfs and Dad golfs so… yeah Dad’s getting some golf… stuff. Except there is no random golf crap area. What??? Where are all the golf gloves, golf towels, golf rangefinders, golf ball cleaners, golf watches…??? Where are these things??? Let me tell you, they are not at the Dick’s in Bee Caves, so don’t look there. I mean I could either buy him a box of balls (with the store I’m at somewhere there is a Dick in the Box joke, I just can’t get there) or like a golf tee. That’s it.
No thank you Dick’s. I’m not that desperate and I love my father more.
Item #3: Fun Pool Toys.
My dad turns into an eight year old when around water. Pool, beach, river, whatever he doesn’t discriminate. Last year my parents built a pool in their backyard and my father is in Heaven. (To be honest I’m in Heaven, too, when I’m lucky enough to get to spend a weekend there.) So, I thought some fun pool toys would make a great gift. Rafts! Floaties! Random sinking things! Oh, except Dick’s had nothing. Not a noodle. Not a flipper. Nothing. They did have $50 goggles and underwater weights. Because nothing says Happy Father’s Day like overpriced, lime green, protective eye wear and a really heavy spongy weight that might as well scream, “You need to lose a few pounds!”. Fail Dick’s. You fail.
Item #4: Golf Shirt.
Okay, I know, a golf shirt is not exciting at all and honestly this was not on my list when I was all bright eyed and bushy tailed 20 minutes ago when I entered the soul sucking store that is Dick’s. But, I figured I might as well take a look. Actually, at this point I was just wondering around with a UBBER confused look on my face and I needed to focus on something. GOLF WEAR! All hope is not lost! I can actually get a gift out of this expedition.
I pulled myself together and walked to men’s golf clothing. Oh look a nice shirt - $78. Oh look another nice shirt - $69.99. Oh loo - $112!!! (I kid you not, I saw a normal looking red and blue golf shirt for $112.) I feel kinda bad writing this, because I don’t want y’all to think I don’t love my father, because I do. I would spend thousands on this man if I could afford it. My new job is awesome, but I’m not making quite as much as I was and I’m trying really hard (sometimes unsuccessfully) to live on a budget. My biggest problem with these prices are not that they are expensive. I get it that Nike is expensive. I get it that golf is just an expensive sport all around. What I don’t understand is mother F-ing Dick’s!!!
…wait for it…
IT IS THE FUCKING THURSDAY BEFORE FUCKING FATHER’S DAY!!! WHERE ARE THE GOD DAMN SALES DICK’S!!! ISN’T THIS YOUR BIGGEST WEEKEND OF YOUR WHOLE FUCKING YEAR!!! … FUCK!!!
Okay, I feel better now. This post is exactly the reason why I need to start going back to yoga. Well, this post and my love for all things that start with Mexican and end with Food. Hopefully my father likes his Father’s Day gift that I just ended up ordering online while my dog napped at my feet.
(Sorry for all the cursing, Dad. But I did it all for you…)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Presidential Elections, The Olympics, and World Cup...
Boyfriend came home Monday night to find me and the dog laying on the couch, half asleep, and drooling… the dog, not me. He then quickly made my day by saying, “Hey are you watching the debate?”
Me: (jumping up) “The debate? What debate?”
Boyfriend: “The Republican debate. On CNN…”
Me: “I had no idea! How did I miss this?”
Somewhere between all the news on Wiennergate, Asshole Arnold, and oh yeah Bin Laden being killed my news websites had completely let me down. I had no idea Presidential Debates were already starting.
Here’s the thing… I love all things that deal with electing the President of The United States of America. I love all the bullshitting, name calling, question diverting candidates equally. I love the political cartoons and commercials. I REALLY love the debates! Really I do. Yes, of course there is usually only one I could ever actually vote for, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love all the candidates equally. You know just like a mother, I could never have a favorite. I mean how do you pick a favorite bullshitting sweater from your other favorite bullshitting sweaters? I can’t.
The Presidential Election is just like the Olympics and World Cup (two other events that happen every four years THAT I LOVE).
You’ve got your “sure things”
Olympics: Michael Phelps, Canadian skiers, and ridiculous Ice Dancer costumes
World Cup: Spain, numerous red cards, and underperforming Africa
Presidential Election: Obama, Romney, and Jon Stewart
You’ve got your “wild cards”
Olympics: Underage Chinese gymnasts (could also be a “sure thing” depending how you look at it), Curling getting such a cult following, and any Hockey team not from USA, Canada, or Russia
World Cup: Team USA, any other team that isn’t one of the 7 that has actually won in the past, and Women’s World Cup
Presidential Election: Minorities, Women, and well… Ron Paul
You’ve got your “must see TV”
Olympics: Opening Ceremonies, women’s gymnastics, and giant 300lb men bawling after they won the gold in Weightlifting
World Cup: USA vs. England, the legs… and abs when they take off their shirts in celebration, and the final game
Presidential Election: The debates, the loser calling the winner and congratulating them, and all the SNL skits leading up to the big day
You’ve got your “WFT moments?”
Olympics: Tonya Harding, Shaun White’s hair, and powerwalking
World Cup: England pretty much just stepping aside and letting USA score on them, Mexico ALWAYS SUCKING, and Zidane head butting
Presidential Election: Sarah Palin anytime all the time, Perot’s TV shows, and George Bush “winning”
It’s like Monday night was the start of it all. The opening ceremonies. The first blow to the vuvusela. All the candidates we out in their best suits, with their blue or red ties, and flag pins. (Well all except Michelle Bachmann who looked like a slutty priest in her black suit with low cut white blouse) It was like the first day of school. They all had just gotten haircuts and Botox and probably new coke addictions. They were nervous and excited. All were quick to talk bad about the past (Obama and even Bush at times) but had so many uplifting hopes and dreams for the future. Non really wanted to alienate themselves from their neighbors to the right and left in case they need their endorsement later, just like teenage girls trying to figure out who their mean girl minions would be as soon as they established themselves as Queen Bee.
Oh, and then there was Ron Paul who just looked horribly uncomfortable during the whole thing. You know all night he was thinking, “FAIR TAX!!! Damn all of you the answer is FAIR TAX!!! And how can you not pick between Elvis and Johnny Cash??? The answers are FAIR TAX and CASH all the way!!!”
Me: (jumping up) “The debate? What debate?”
Boyfriend: “The Republican debate. On CNN…”
Me: “I had no idea! How did I miss this?”
Somewhere between all the news on Wiennergate, Asshole Arnold, and oh yeah Bin Laden being killed my news websites had completely let me down. I had no idea Presidential Debates were already starting.
Here’s the thing… I love all things that deal with electing the President of The United States of America. I love all the bullshitting, name calling, question diverting candidates equally. I love the political cartoons and commercials. I REALLY love the debates! Really I do. Yes, of course there is usually only one I could ever actually vote for, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love all the candidates equally. You know just like a mother, I could never have a favorite. I mean how do you pick a favorite bullshitting sweater from your other favorite bullshitting sweaters? I can’t.
The Presidential Election is just like the Olympics and World Cup (two other events that happen every four years THAT I LOVE).
You’ve got your “sure things”
Olympics: Michael Phelps, Canadian skiers, and ridiculous Ice Dancer costumes
World Cup: Spain, numerous red cards, and underperforming Africa
Presidential Election: Obama, Romney, and Jon Stewart
You’ve got your “wild cards”
Olympics: Underage Chinese gymnasts (could also be a “sure thing” depending how you look at it), Curling getting such a cult following, and any Hockey team not from USA, Canada, or Russia
World Cup: Team USA, any other team that isn’t one of the 7 that has actually won in the past, and Women’s World Cup
Presidential Election: Minorities, Women, and well… Ron Paul
You’ve got your “must see TV”
Olympics: Opening Ceremonies, women’s gymnastics, and giant 300lb men bawling after they won the gold in Weightlifting
World Cup: USA vs. England, the legs… and abs when they take off their shirts in celebration, and the final game
Presidential Election: The debates, the loser calling the winner and congratulating them, and all the SNL skits leading up to the big day
You’ve got your “WFT moments?”
Olympics: Tonya Harding, Shaun White’s hair, and powerwalking
World Cup: England pretty much just stepping aside and letting USA score on them, Mexico ALWAYS SUCKING, and Zidane head butting
Presidential Election: Sarah Palin anytime all the time, Perot’s TV shows, and George Bush “winning”
It’s like Monday night was the start of it all. The opening ceremonies. The first blow to the vuvusela. All the candidates we out in their best suits, with their blue or red ties, and flag pins. (Well all except Michelle Bachmann who looked like a slutty priest in her black suit with low cut white blouse) It was like the first day of school. They all had just gotten haircuts and Botox and probably new coke addictions. They were nervous and excited. All were quick to talk bad about the past (Obama and even Bush at times) but had so many uplifting hopes and dreams for the future. Non really wanted to alienate themselves from their neighbors to the right and left in case they need their endorsement later, just like teenage girls trying to figure out who their mean girl minions would be as soon as they established themselves as Queen Bee.
Oh, and then there was Ron Paul who just looked horribly uncomfortable during the whole thing. You know all night he was thinking, “FAIR TAX!!! Damn all of you the answer is FAIR TAX!!! And how can you not pick between Elvis and Johnny Cash??? The answers are FAIR TAX and CASH all the way!!!”
Monday, June 13, 2011
Chelsea Handler, Being Late, and Another "This Is My Life" Moment...
A note before the real blog post… I don’t hang out with LSU Friend every day of the week. In fact sometimes there are whole weeks we never see each other and the only communication I have with her is a random text that says, “SAIL”. However, last week it was kinda like we were dating. I mean I saw her ALL THE TIME! Last Sunday we got drunk together over sweet potato fries, a bottle of wine, and a co-workers birthday. Oh, and it wasn’t a “dancing on the table” drunk. We got crazy emotional drunk… Can my life get any more awkward? Turns out it can. All I have to do is start downing moderately priced Cabernets and, oh… then ask my dear friend to tell me about her dad dying. Because who doesn’t like getting sloppy drunk and crying in public restaurants???
Anyway, so that was last Sunday. I saw her again on Tuesday when I was craving Thai food and didn’t want to wait for Boyfriend to get home before stuffing my face in some Tom Yum. I then saw her again the next day, Wednesday, for Blues On The Green. I then saw her the next day, Thursday, for kickball. I’m not telling you this because I don’t like hanging out with my friend. I love LSU Friend, and I’m crazy grateful to even have her as a friend since I don’t that than many to begin with. I just don’t want y’all thinking that my blog has become Lemon Lady and LSU Friend’s Crazy Adventures (oh and there’s a little Boyfriend thrown in there just for kicks). Because, to be honest with you guys, that just might be the name of our reality show we will be pitching to the Travel Channel real soon.
All that being said, this post is about LSU Friend and me.
About a week ago, I was taking a bath with one of my awesome bath bombs from LUSH when Boyfriend came in and surprised me with two tickets to go see Chelsea Handler on Sunday (yesterday). Reason number 4,284,119 why I totally adore him. Reason number 4,284,120 why I love Boyfriend, he told me he really didn’t want to go (because what straight guy would) and I should take a friend.
This awesome gift from Boyfriend is what led me to hanging out again with LSU Friend last night. She picked up at 5:20 and we headed to 2nd Kitchen for cocktails and food before the big show. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThree drinks, 2 hours, and some majorly amazing carbs later I looked down at my phone and saw that it was already 7:00. I knew finding a place to park would take a few minutes because of the last time we went to the Bass Concert Hall. That was a few months ago when LSU friend, Cupcake, and I saw West Side Story. When we finally pulled into a parking spot in the garage just down the street from the Bass it was 7:25 and the play started at 7:30. We raced as fast as we could in our heals to walk in the door just as they were flashing the lights for everyone to stop over paying for wine in the lobby and find their seats. We then had to hike up the SIX FLIGHTS OF STAIRS to the very top of the highest balcony because we bought the cheapest seats we could find. Just as we sat down the show started and for the opening act my mind jumped back and forth between, “OMG I think I’m going to have a heart attack – I should totally start doing my cardio” to “Wait, are they dance fighting? This is gayest thing I’ve ever seen… ever!”
Anyway… My point is, it’s 7:00 and we are so going to be late.
Me: “LSU Friend, you need to chug your wine. We’ve got to go!”
LSU Friend: “Dude, Lemon Lady, I’m not going to chug my glass of 10 dollar wine.”
Me: “Look, LSU Friend, I’m going to need you to woman up and throw that glass back. We need to get going.”
LSU Friend: (drinking as much as she can) “Ahg… Okay, lets head out.”
We successfully made it into the car without LSU Friend getting run over by a bus, and headed up Congress where we got stuck at every single red light!
LSU Friend: (pointing to things outside the car and looking around) “Look, why do you think she’s wearing scrubs?”
Me: “I don’t know. GREEN! GO!”
LSU Friend: “Do you think that guy is homeless or just hanging on a bench downtown looking a little… rough?”
Me: (never one not to judge) “Um, I think he’s just a grungy dude…. GREEN LIGHT!”
For those of y’all who don’t live in Austin and who didn’t go to the greatest college of all time, Bass Concert Hall is on the UT campus and right next to the Frank Erwin Center, which is our large concert/sport venue. So, we start getting close to Bass and we start seeing A LOT of people. Too many people to just being going to Chelsea Handler. Too many people, parking way too far out to just be going to just be going to Chelsea Hander. Not only were there a crap load of people, it seemed like… well… and interesting mix of folks. Like there was a woman who had to have been at least 45 in pleather pants, chunky platforms, and a sequined tank top with not bra. Then we stopped at a light behind a pickup with three guys in the bed on the truck. One of the guys wore dreadlocks (which is SO not weird in my town) but they were arranged in the most beautiful updo I had ever seen on a dude. I mean they were woven into one of those ballerina like buns that I can never seem to perfect and he was wearing this nice scarf around his head. Beautiful…
At this point I know we are going to be late. I know we are going to be “those girls” who arrive in the middle of the opening act and smelling like wine and liquor. But, LSU Friend and I were now super curious as to who this um… eclectic group of people were going to see at the Erwin Center. So, being my mother’s child and being egged on by LSU Friend, I roll down the window, plop my head out, and start waving at the people on the side walk.
Me: (waving my arms wildly): “Hey! Hey! Hey you people!!!”
Random Dude: (looking at me and point back at himself): “Me?”
Me: “Yeah, you’ll do. Yes, you!”
Random Dude: “What?”
Me: “Why are you here?”
Random Dude: “What?”
Me: “WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT IS GOING ON?”
Random Dude: “Rush!”
That’s right readers… I was going to be late to Chelsea Handler because of the dudes that sing YYZ.
Okay and just for the record, I understand how bitchy this makes me sound. I understand how “that girl” this makes me sound. I DON’T CARE! I’m going to be late because of a Canadian Rock band that was formed in 60s! I’m going to be late because of a band had a Synthesizer Period in the 80s! I’m going to be late because of Mother F-ing Rush???
Oh, heck no!
I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t in a dress I would have gotten out of LSU Friend’s car and directed traffic myself to get us into the parking garage faster. Once we parked, I was out of her Accord and powerwalking to the concert hall as fast as I could. All while LSU Friend is moaning and whining about her legs being sore from some workout video she did on Friday.
Me: (pausing in the middle of the side walk): “Suck it up friend! We are going to be late!”
LSU Friend: “Wait, what?”
Me: “Late!”
LSU Friend: “What are you talking about? It doesn’t start until 8, nerd.”
Me: “7:30! It starts at 7:30, which was like 4 minutes ago.”
LSU Friend: “I’m pretty sure it starts at 8…”
Me: (pulling out the tickets) “It starts at seven thri… oh wait… okay you might be right.”
LSU Friend: “Is this why you made me chug a whole glass of red wine and almost mow down poor innocent rednecks and their mullets in front of the Erwin center?”
Me: “Um… maybe. I mean I would have sworn it started at 7:30.”
And then, instead of putting the tickets back in my purse, pausing to catch my breath, and calming walking to the theatre, I dropped the tickets (which were really just printed from the computer) and they started to blow away. FML
LSU Friend: “Holy crap! Get the tickets.”
Me: (running and trying to stomp on them) “They keep moving! Help! Help!”
LSU Friend: “Quick! Quick!”
Me: “Why do they hate me? Come back tickets! Come back!”
So please just close your eyes and picture this. Two women in their late 20s running down the street screaming for pieces of paper to “not hate them” and “come back to your home, why do you hate your home”. And here’s the thing, sometimes people drop things, and I’m sure I’m not the only person that has ever dropped important papers to have them start blowing away, but it’s just another one of those things that would happen to me. Like every other group of girls that attended that show were all perfectly poised, had on perfect outfits and perfect heals, and were all standing outside the concert hall talking about their perfect lives… and then there is us, LSU Friend and me running wildly down the street chasing our hopes and dreams of seeing Chelsea Hander, hair going everywhere, already sweaty from power walking from the car… I mean the whole scenario just sums up my life.
But the show was AWESOME!
And now some fun videos and photos
In case you didn’t get the “SAIL” joke from earlier...
And here’s some Rush for your lovely Monday…
LSU Friend and I before the ticket chasing…
Oh and last night, after the show, Boyfriend and I dressed up the dog in Boyfriend’s company’s sweatshirt. Isn’t he adorable?
Anyway, so that was last Sunday. I saw her again on Tuesday when I was craving Thai food and didn’t want to wait for Boyfriend to get home before stuffing my face in some Tom Yum. I then saw her again the next day, Wednesday, for Blues On The Green. I then saw her the next day, Thursday, for kickball. I’m not telling you this because I don’t like hanging out with my friend. I love LSU Friend, and I’m crazy grateful to even have her as a friend since I don’t that than many to begin with. I just don’t want y’all thinking that my blog has become Lemon Lady and LSU Friend’s Crazy Adventures (oh and there’s a little Boyfriend thrown in there just for kicks). Because, to be honest with you guys, that just might be the name of our reality show we will be pitching to the Travel Channel real soon.
All that being said, this post is about LSU Friend and me.
About a week ago, I was taking a bath with one of my awesome bath bombs from LUSH when Boyfriend came in and surprised me with two tickets to go see Chelsea Handler on Sunday (yesterday). Reason number 4,284,119 why I totally adore him. Reason number 4,284,120 why I love Boyfriend, he told me he really didn’t want to go (because what straight guy would) and I should take a friend.
This awesome gift from Boyfriend is what led me to hanging out again with LSU Friend last night. She picked up at 5:20 and we headed to 2nd Kitchen for cocktails and food before the big show. http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifThree drinks, 2 hours, and some majorly amazing carbs later I looked down at my phone and saw that it was already 7:00. I knew finding a place to park would take a few minutes because of the last time we went to the Bass Concert Hall. That was a few months ago when LSU friend, Cupcake, and I saw West Side Story. When we finally pulled into a parking spot in the garage just down the street from the Bass it was 7:25 and the play started at 7:30. We raced as fast as we could in our heals to walk in the door just as they were flashing the lights for everyone to stop over paying for wine in the lobby and find their seats. We then had to hike up the SIX FLIGHTS OF STAIRS to the very top of the highest balcony because we bought the cheapest seats we could find. Just as we sat down the show started and for the opening act my mind jumped back and forth between, “OMG I think I’m going to have a heart attack – I should totally start doing my cardio” to “Wait, are they dance fighting? This is gayest thing I’ve ever seen… ever!”
Anyway… My point is, it’s 7:00 and we are so going to be late.
Me: “LSU Friend, you need to chug your wine. We’ve got to go!”
LSU Friend: “Dude, Lemon Lady, I’m not going to chug my glass of 10 dollar wine.”
Me: “Look, LSU Friend, I’m going to need you to woman up and throw that glass back. We need to get going.”
LSU Friend: (drinking as much as she can) “Ahg… Okay, lets head out.”
We successfully made it into the car without LSU Friend getting run over by a bus, and headed up Congress where we got stuck at every single red light!
LSU Friend: (pointing to things outside the car and looking around) “Look, why do you think she’s wearing scrubs?”
Me: “I don’t know. GREEN! GO!”
LSU Friend: “Do you think that guy is homeless or just hanging on a bench downtown looking a little… rough?”
Me: (never one not to judge) “Um, I think he’s just a grungy dude…. GREEN LIGHT!”
For those of y’all who don’t live in Austin and who didn’t go to the greatest college of all time, Bass Concert Hall is on the UT campus and right next to the Frank Erwin Center, which is our large concert/sport venue. So, we start getting close to Bass and we start seeing A LOT of people. Too many people to just being going to Chelsea Handler. Too many people, parking way too far out to just be going to just be going to Chelsea Hander. Not only were there a crap load of people, it seemed like… well… and interesting mix of folks. Like there was a woman who had to have been at least 45 in pleather pants, chunky platforms, and a sequined tank top with not bra. Then we stopped at a light behind a pickup with three guys in the bed on the truck. One of the guys wore dreadlocks (which is SO not weird in my town) but they were arranged in the most beautiful updo I had ever seen on a dude. I mean they were woven into one of those ballerina like buns that I can never seem to perfect and he was wearing this nice scarf around his head. Beautiful…
At this point I know we are going to be late. I know we are going to be “those girls” who arrive in the middle of the opening act and smelling like wine and liquor. But, LSU Friend and I were now super curious as to who this um… eclectic group of people were going to see at the Erwin Center. So, being my mother’s child and being egged on by LSU Friend, I roll down the window, plop my head out, and start waving at the people on the side walk.
Me: (waving my arms wildly): “Hey! Hey! Hey you people!!!”
Random Dude: (looking at me and point back at himself): “Me?”
Me: “Yeah, you’ll do. Yes, you!”
Random Dude: “What?”
Me: “Why are you here?”
Random Dude: “What?”
Me: “WHY ARE YOU HERE? WHAT IS GOING ON?”
Random Dude: “Rush!”
That’s right readers… I was going to be late to Chelsea Handler because of the dudes that sing YYZ.
Okay and just for the record, I understand how bitchy this makes me sound. I understand how “that girl” this makes me sound. I DON’T CARE! I’m going to be late because of a Canadian Rock band that was formed in 60s! I’m going to be late because of a band had a Synthesizer Period in the 80s! I’m going to be late because of Mother F-ing Rush???
Oh, heck no!
I’m pretty sure if I wasn’t in a dress I would have gotten out of LSU Friend’s car and directed traffic myself to get us into the parking garage faster. Once we parked, I was out of her Accord and powerwalking to the concert hall as fast as I could. All while LSU Friend is moaning and whining about her legs being sore from some workout video she did on Friday.
Me: (pausing in the middle of the side walk): “Suck it up friend! We are going to be late!”
LSU Friend: “Wait, what?”
Me: “Late!”
LSU Friend: “What are you talking about? It doesn’t start until 8, nerd.”
Me: “7:30! It starts at 7:30, which was like 4 minutes ago.”
LSU Friend: “I’m pretty sure it starts at 8…”
Me: (pulling out the tickets) “It starts at seven thri… oh wait… okay you might be right.”
LSU Friend: “Is this why you made me chug a whole glass of red wine and almost mow down poor innocent rednecks and their mullets in front of the Erwin center?”
Me: “Um… maybe. I mean I would have sworn it started at 7:30.”
And then, instead of putting the tickets back in my purse, pausing to catch my breath, and calming walking to the theatre, I dropped the tickets (which were really just printed from the computer) and they started to blow away. FML
LSU Friend: “Holy crap! Get the tickets.”
Me: (running and trying to stomp on them) “They keep moving! Help! Help!”
LSU Friend: “Quick! Quick!”
Me: “Why do they hate me? Come back tickets! Come back!”
So please just close your eyes and picture this. Two women in their late 20s running down the street screaming for pieces of paper to “not hate them” and “come back to your home, why do you hate your home”. And here’s the thing, sometimes people drop things, and I’m sure I’m not the only person that has ever dropped important papers to have them start blowing away, but it’s just another one of those things that would happen to me. Like every other group of girls that attended that show were all perfectly poised, had on perfect outfits and perfect heals, and were all standing outside the concert hall talking about their perfect lives… and then there is us, LSU Friend and me running wildly down the street chasing our hopes and dreams of seeing Chelsea Hander, hair going everywhere, already sweaty from power walking from the car… I mean the whole scenario just sums up my life.
But the show was AWESOME!
And now some fun videos and photos
In case you didn’t get the “SAIL” joke from earlier...
And here’s some Rush for your lovely Monday…
LSU Friend and I before the ticket chasing…
Oh and last night, after the show, Boyfriend and I dressed up the dog in Boyfriend’s company’s sweatshirt. Isn’t he adorable?
Friday, June 10, 2011
Time, Kickball, and George Michael...
Do you ever look back and wonder where the time goes?
Okay, trust me. I’m not trying to get all sentimental on y’all or anything, but sometimes I have to wonder.
10 years ago I moved to Germany
7 years ago I graduated High School
5 years ago I started dating Boyfriend
3 years ago nephew #1 (The Mouse) came into this world
2 years ago Boyfriend and I officially moved in together
3 months ago we picked up our 17lb Great Dane who now weights at least 65lbs
3 months ago my second adorable nephew (The Froggy) was born
1.5 months ago I start my new, amazing, awesome, fabulous job.
Oh, and as of today I’m a park of BlogHer! In case you haven’t noticed the changes…
Yesterday, Boyfriend and I played our first kickball game of the season. LSU Friend introduced me to her buddy Jen who is captain of the WAKA team “Power Bottoms” (don’t ask) and invited Boyfriend and myself to play. My kickball experience includes the following…
Recess and “Walk and Talk” kickball lover and player at Dare Elementary School 1994 - 1995
Boyfriend’s family annual Easter and Thanksgiving kickball game 2006 – Now
…
So, when I was asked if I wanted to share my ball kicking skills, of course I was all, “Heck yeah!”
Then, to my complete surprise, Boyfriend said he wanted to play as well.
We made it to our first game on time (amazingly), picked up our bright green tee-shirts, and poured our first beers. And, now you understand why I was super excited to play kickball.
1. I get a tee-shirt
2. Beer… and a lot of it
And because I seem to really like lists today, Here is what happened during the game...
Boyfriend made an out.
I kicked a base run.
Boyfriend played in flip flops while half the team was in cleats.
I drank a lot of beer and got bit my mosquitos.
We didn’t win
We didn’t lose
We tied
Go Power Bottoms!!!
Oh, and because I can’t stand not posting cute photos of George Michael.
Okay, trust me. I’m not trying to get all sentimental on y’all or anything, but sometimes I have to wonder.
10 years ago I moved to Germany
7 years ago I graduated High School
5 years ago I started dating Boyfriend
3 years ago nephew #1 (The Mouse) came into this world
2 years ago Boyfriend and I officially moved in together
3 months ago we picked up our 17lb Great Dane who now weights at least 65lbs
3 months ago my second adorable nephew (The Froggy) was born
1.5 months ago I start my new, amazing, awesome, fabulous job.
Oh, and as of today I’m a park of BlogHer! In case you haven’t noticed the changes…
Yesterday, Boyfriend and I played our first kickball game of the season. LSU Friend introduced me to her buddy Jen who is captain of the WAKA team “Power Bottoms” (don’t ask) and invited Boyfriend and myself to play. My kickball experience includes the following…
Recess and “Walk and Talk” kickball lover and player at Dare Elementary School 1994 - 1995
Boyfriend’s family annual Easter and Thanksgiving kickball game 2006 – Now
…
So, when I was asked if I wanted to share my ball kicking skills, of course I was all, “Heck yeah!”
Then, to my complete surprise, Boyfriend said he wanted to play as well.
We made it to our first game on time (amazingly), picked up our bright green tee-shirts, and poured our first beers. And, now you understand why I was super excited to play kickball.
1. I get a tee-shirt
2. Beer… and a lot of it
And because I seem to really like lists today, Here is what happened during the game...
Boyfriend made an out.
I kicked a base run.
Boyfriend played in flip flops while half the team was in cleats.
I drank a lot of beer and got bit my mosquitos.
We didn’t win
We didn’t lose
We tied
Go Power Bottoms!!!
Oh, and because I can’t stand not posting cute photos of George Michael.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Connection Between Tacos and Holiday Decor...
Last night LSU Friend, Boyfriend, and I went to eat Thai Food because I’ve been craving it for a good four days.
After I finished my Tom Yum and after we split the check, Boyfriend blew my mind with this piece of wisdom…
“If you girls (referring to LSU Friend and myself) eat less Taco Cabana you would have more wreaths and holiday decorations.”
…
I can’t make up the random things that come out of this man’s mouth.
If LSU Friend and I were to stop stuffing our faces full of reasonably priced Mexican food and watered down frozen margaritas we would be better holiday decorators just like our mothers.
This whole conversation started with baby birds.
Evidently LSU Friend’s mom has a deep love and passion for holiday decorating, as does my mother. LSU Friend’s mom hangs holiday wreaths on all four of her home’s outer doors. My mother hangs a giant wreath on the front door and then a smaller one on the kitchen pantry door. Once when LSU Friend still lived with her parents, birds built a nest in one of her mother’s wreaths and because birds are nasty, icky creatures after the baby birds hatched and flew away the wreath was so gross from the bird dropping she had to throw it out. Because of this (and I’m sure her deep passion for Target sundresses and alcohol) LSU Friend has no wreaths to hang on her front door.
I, myself, own one wreath that I hang for Christmas. Other than that my holiday decorations include my tiny, fake, Charlie Brown Christmas tree I got on sale at Tuesday Morning one day in July like six years go, a Dallas Cowboys nut crackers that is really Boyfriend’s not mine, some extremely awkward to hang anywhere garland of glass balls, and two ornaments for my tree (a pickle and a dinosaur). I own absolutely no holiday décor that is not for Christmas. I have no wooden eggs for my table on Easter. I have no rubber bats for Halloween or wicker bunnies for the spring. This is what my sister’s mantle looks like on Christmas.
This is what my mother’s dining room chandelier looks like on Christmas.
This is my tree.
So here’s the thing… I get I don’t have any holiday nesting skills or even desires. But, I also don’t understand how my love for all edible things made by Mexicans has anything to do with my lack of a Martha Stewart gene. I guess I just have to file this one under, “Reasons why after 5 years of being together I’m still never bored with Boyfirend”.
After I finished my Tom Yum and after we split the check, Boyfriend blew my mind with this piece of wisdom…
“If you girls (referring to LSU Friend and myself) eat less Taco Cabana you would have more wreaths and holiday decorations.”
…
I can’t make up the random things that come out of this man’s mouth.
If LSU Friend and I were to stop stuffing our faces full of reasonably priced Mexican food and watered down frozen margaritas we would be better holiday decorators just like our mothers.
This whole conversation started with baby birds.
Evidently LSU Friend’s mom has a deep love and passion for holiday decorating, as does my mother. LSU Friend’s mom hangs holiday wreaths on all four of her home’s outer doors. My mother hangs a giant wreath on the front door and then a smaller one on the kitchen pantry door. Once when LSU Friend still lived with her parents, birds built a nest in one of her mother’s wreaths and because birds are nasty, icky creatures after the baby birds hatched and flew away the wreath was so gross from the bird dropping she had to throw it out. Because of this (and I’m sure her deep passion for Target sundresses and alcohol) LSU Friend has no wreaths to hang on her front door.
I, myself, own one wreath that I hang for Christmas. Other than that my holiday decorations include my tiny, fake, Charlie Brown Christmas tree I got on sale at Tuesday Morning one day in July like six years go, a Dallas Cowboys nut crackers that is really Boyfriend’s not mine, some extremely awkward to hang anywhere garland of glass balls, and two ornaments for my tree (a pickle and a dinosaur). I own absolutely no holiday décor that is not for Christmas. I have no wooden eggs for my table on Easter. I have no rubber bats for Halloween or wicker bunnies for the spring. This is what my sister’s mantle looks like on Christmas.
This is what my mother’s dining room chandelier looks like on Christmas.
This is my tree.
So here’s the thing… I get I don’t have any holiday nesting skills or even desires. But, I also don’t understand how my love for all edible things made by Mexicans has anything to do with my lack of a Martha Stewart gene. I guess I just have to file this one under, “Reasons why after 5 years of being together I’m still never bored with Boyfirend”.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Coincidence Or More... You Be The Judge
This past weekend two things happened.
One: Boyfriend and I saw The Hangover 2.
Two: Boyfriend had a “OMG is the world ending because what I’m looking at right now is absoFREAKINGlutely blowing my mind” experience.
Let me explain.
On Saturday, after I got my haircut and after Boyfriend played a round of golf, we headed to the movie theater to see The Hangover 2. As we are walking into the theater to buy tickets I notice the guy in fount of us at the box office is sporting some really cool looking Nikes. Like this…
I then casual say to Boyfriend, “Hey, Boyfriend. Aren’t his shoes cool? I like them.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, cool, whatever. Hey you have to pay I forgot my wallet.”
This is literally the reaction he gives me. Yes, Lemon Lady those are not the ugliest shoes in the world, but can we focus on more important facts of life, like the fact that I forgot my wallet and you will have to pay for my ticket and my half of our fried pickles order. (Our movie theater, Alamo Draft House, is just that awesome to have fried pickles.)
Then, two hours pass when we are in theater 2 laughing at many shenanigans happening on the big screen. Of course during these two hours I drink two giant glasses of ice tea, so when the movie is over and the credits have finished rolling (because when you watch either The Hangover or The Hangover 2 you have to watch the credits because that’s when they show all the really funny photos of what actually happened the during the night they can’t remember) I practically hurdle people to get to the bathroom first.
Good thing about my movie theater: Fried pickles
Bad thing about my movie theater: only 3 stalls in the bathroom – I mean what’s up with that? This isn’t communist China Draft House! Get some more pee pots. K, thanks.
Anyway, I relieve myself and then walk out to meet Boyfriend. He is standing just outside the box office in the blazing Texas summer heat. As soon as I reach him he practically pounces on me…
Boyfriend: “Look behind you!”
Me: (looking but not seeing anything other than people trying to leave the theater and we’re kinda standing right in their way because Boyfriend refuses to move aside.) “What? What are you looking at?”
Boyfriend: “Down there.”
Me: “Where?”
Boyfriend: “No, over there” (pointing to the front of the rather long line to buy tickets for the night time movies)
Me: “What are you pointing at, yeah the line is a lot longer now, but it’s Saturday night.”
Boyfriend: “No, look at his shoes.”
Me: (Finally noticing what Boyfriend is so excited about) “Oh, hey. Those are those same cool Nikes. So did you like the movie? I thought it was funny.”
At this point Boyfriend is staring at me like I have fungus growing on my face, and I start to wonder if I said something or did something wrong. Was I secretly supposed to know that those shoes are his favorite things in the world and I didn’t buy them for him? Are those the Nikes his grandmother was buried in and I’m not paying them the respect they deserve? Did he secretly design those shoes himself and Nike broke into our home one night real late and stole the design and now every time we see those shoes we are need to stop and curse those Nike A-holes out loud?
Me: “I don’t get it. What?
Boyfriend: “Those are the same shoes you said you liked when we went into the movie and there they are again in the exact same place in line when we come out of the movie.”
So, Time Out…Are y’all following what he is saying here? Before the movie we stood behind some dude in the line for tickets with cool shoes on and now there is another random dude in the roughly the same place in line with the same shoes on. Okay, Time In…
Me: “Okay.”
Boyfriend: “Are you not seeing the awesomeness of this? Those are shoes, we’ve never seen before in our lives and now they appear before us twice in one day in THE EXACT SAME PLACE!”
Me: “But on different people…”
Boyfriend: “I KNOW!!! Different people, but the same shoes!”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean I get it. I get that those are the same shoes standing in the line being worn by different people, but it’s really not that big of a deal.”
Boyfriend: “NOT A BIG DEAL!!! It’s a huge deal! This is the cosmic universe trying to tell us something.”
Me: “Um, no. This is what normal, non-crazy people call a coincidence.”
Boyfriend: “No this is bigger than a coincidence. This is something more.”
Me: (Trying desperately to change the subject to something that doesn’t make me want to commit my boyfriend to a mental hospital) “Did you like the movie?”
Boyfriend: “The movie? What? No, we are talking about the shoe Gods right now and what they are trying to tell us.”
Yes, world, my boyfriend would rather talk about a pair of grey and green Nike tennis shoes instead of a movie that includes the following…
1. Monkeys who like oral sex
2. Drinking Fanta from a bag
3. Having sex with a she-male Thai hooker
4. Bradley Cooper’s gorgeous baby blues
5. Why a kid who just started college would already have a college ring
6. Monks doing shots
7. The mysteries that live in Zach Galifianakis’ beard
8. The fact that anytime Ed Helms sings he gets like 15% cuter but even if he spent the whole movie singing he would not be good looking enough to land a chick as hot as his fiancé
9. The awkward, awkward toasting scene
10. A surprise wedding singer that would have been super cool if I just hadn’t seen Bridesmaids
Boyfriend: “You just don’t understand”
Me: (At this point all I can think about is that scene in Meet The Fockers where Ben Stiller is arguing with the airlines on phone because they sent him the wrong bag.) “Seriously Boyfriend? Do you not think that the people over at Nike thought to themselves that although they just produced a very nice looking shoe that they might actually want to make a profit off this shoes so they might want to produce MORE THAN ONE PAIR! Like they all sat around a big important looking conference table and finally Mr. Smarty Pants in the corner was like, “Nike dudes. We should totally have our little starving China kids make like a billion pairs of this awesome show so we’ll make like a billion dollars and never have to work again.” Do you get this? That there are THOUSANDS of these shoes being produced and sold all over the world, even in Austin, Texas.”
Boyfriend: “All I’m saying is that I’ve never seen those shoes before and then I see them again IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE AS BEFORE! It’s a little freaky.”
Me: “No. you know what would be freaky? It would be freaky if the shoes were just sitting there and not being worn by some guy. It would have been freaky if they turned on their own and stared at you with eyes that popped up from the tongue of the shoe. It would be freaky if they hurdled themselves at you and tried to strangle you in their laces. Just being worn by someone else at a very popular movie theater on a Saturday night IS NOT FREAKY!”
Boyfriend: “You don’t understand me at all…”
I kid you not, 24 hours later we were still arguing about this.
One: Boyfriend and I saw The Hangover 2.
Two: Boyfriend had a “OMG is the world ending because what I’m looking at right now is absoFREAKINGlutely blowing my mind” experience.
Let me explain.
On Saturday, after I got my haircut and after Boyfriend played a round of golf, we headed to the movie theater to see The Hangover 2. As we are walking into the theater to buy tickets I notice the guy in fount of us at the box office is sporting some really cool looking Nikes. Like this…
I then casual say to Boyfriend, “Hey, Boyfriend. Aren’t his shoes cool? I like them.”
Boyfriend: “Yeah, cool, whatever. Hey you have to pay I forgot my wallet.”
This is literally the reaction he gives me. Yes, Lemon Lady those are not the ugliest shoes in the world, but can we focus on more important facts of life, like the fact that I forgot my wallet and you will have to pay for my ticket and my half of our fried pickles order. (Our movie theater, Alamo Draft House, is just that awesome to have fried pickles.)
Then, two hours pass when we are in theater 2 laughing at many shenanigans happening on the big screen. Of course during these two hours I drink two giant glasses of ice tea, so when the movie is over and the credits have finished rolling (because when you watch either The Hangover or The Hangover 2 you have to watch the credits because that’s when they show all the really funny photos of what actually happened the during the night they can’t remember) I practically hurdle people to get to the bathroom first.
Good thing about my movie theater: Fried pickles
Bad thing about my movie theater: only 3 stalls in the bathroom – I mean what’s up with that? This isn’t communist China Draft House! Get some more pee pots. K, thanks.
Anyway, I relieve myself and then walk out to meet Boyfriend. He is standing just outside the box office in the blazing Texas summer heat. As soon as I reach him he practically pounces on me…
Boyfriend: “Look behind you!”
Me: (looking but not seeing anything other than people trying to leave the theater and we’re kinda standing right in their way because Boyfriend refuses to move aside.) “What? What are you looking at?”
Boyfriend: “Down there.”
Me: “Where?”
Boyfriend: “No, over there” (pointing to the front of the rather long line to buy tickets for the night time movies)
Me: “What are you pointing at, yeah the line is a lot longer now, but it’s Saturday night.”
Boyfriend: “No, look at his shoes.”
Me: (Finally noticing what Boyfriend is so excited about) “Oh, hey. Those are those same cool Nikes. So did you like the movie? I thought it was funny.”
At this point Boyfriend is staring at me like I have fungus growing on my face, and I start to wonder if I said something or did something wrong. Was I secretly supposed to know that those shoes are his favorite things in the world and I didn’t buy them for him? Are those the Nikes his grandmother was buried in and I’m not paying them the respect they deserve? Did he secretly design those shoes himself and Nike broke into our home one night real late and stole the design and now every time we see those shoes we are need to stop and curse those Nike A-holes out loud?
Me: “I don’t get it. What?
Boyfriend: “Those are the same shoes you said you liked when we went into the movie and there they are again in the exact same place in line when we come out of the movie.”
So, Time Out…Are y’all following what he is saying here? Before the movie we stood behind some dude in the line for tickets with cool shoes on and now there is another random dude in the roughly the same place in line with the same shoes on. Okay, Time In…
Me: “Okay.”
Boyfriend: “Are you not seeing the awesomeness of this? Those are shoes, we’ve never seen before in our lives and now they appear before us twice in one day in THE EXACT SAME PLACE!”
Me: “But on different people…”
Boyfriend: “I KNOW!!! Different people, but the same shoes!”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean I get it. I get that those are the same shoes standing in the line being worn by different people, but it’s really not that big of a deal.”
Boyfriend: “NOT A BIG DEAL!!! It’s a huge deal! This is the cosmic universe trying to tell us something.”
Me: “Um, no. This is what normal, non-crazy people call a coincidence.”
Boyfriend: “No this is bigger than a coincidence. This is something more.”
Me: (Trying desperately to change the subject to something that doesn’t make me want to commit my boyfriend to a mental hospital) “Did you like the movie?”
Boyfriend: “The movie? What? No, we are talking about the shoe Gods right now and what they are trying to tell us.”
Yes, world, my boyfriend would rather talk about a pair of grey and green Nike tennis shoes instead of a movie that includes the following…
1. Monkeys who like oral sex
2. Drinking Fanta from a bag
3. Having sex with a she-male Thai hooker
4. Bradley Cooper’s gorgeous baby blues
5. Why a kid who just started college would already have a college ring
6. Monks doing shots
7. The mysteries that live in Zach Galifianakis’ beard
8. The fact that anytime Ed Helms sings he gets like 15% cuter but even if he spent the whole movie singing he would not be good looking enough to land a chick as hot as his fiancé
9. The awkward, awkward toasting scene
10. A surprise wedding singer that would have been super cool if I just hadn’t seen Bridesmaids
Boyfriend: “You just don’t understand”
Me: (At this point all I can think about is that scene in Meet The Fockers where Ben Stiller is arguing with the airlines on phone because they sent him the wrong bag.) “Seriously Boyfriend? Do you not think that the people over at Nike thought to themselves that although they just produced a very nice looking shoe that they might actually want to make a profit off this shoes so they might want to produce MORE THAN ONE PAIR! Like they all sat around a big important looking conference table and finally Mr. Smarty Pants in the corner was like, “Nike dudes. We should totally have our little starving China kids make like a billion pairs of this awesome show so we’ll make like a billion dollars and never have to work again.” Do you get this? That there are THOUSANDS of these shoes being produced and sold all over the world, even in Austin, Texas.”
Boyfriend: “All I’m saying is that I’ve never seen those shoes before and then I see them again IN THE EXACT SAME PLACE AS BEFORE! It’s a little freaky.”
Me: “No. you know what would be freaky? It would be freaky if the shoes were just sitting there and not being worn by some guy. It would have been freaky if they turned on their own and stared at you with eyes that popped up from the tongue of the shoe. It would be freaky if they hurdled themselves at you and tried to strangle you in their laces. Just being worn by someone else at a very popular movie theater on a Saturday night IS NOT FREAKY!”
Boyfriend: “You don’t understand me at all…”
I kid you not, 24 hours later we were still arguing about this.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Questions, Answers, and Saved By The Bell...
And now Lemon Lady presents a Q&A…
Question – WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN???
Answer – Um, I wish I could say I’ve been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or curing cancer, but in all reality I’ve been at home mostly.
Question – Then why haven’t you been blogging embarrassing stories and whatnot?
Answer – Well, mostly because I changed jobs and I am no longer doing the job of a retarded hamster, so I don’t have 4 free hours a day to randomly write about giving my doctor a bloody or breaking my foot at a water park.
Question – “Retarded Hamster”?
Answer – That’s not a question, but I thought that would make my sister laugh. You see there is this whole funny story about me learning to read and hamsters and well… it’s funny, but it’s hard writing funny and embarrassing stories from when I was 5.
Question – So where are you writing now?
Answer – In the comfort of my own home, which if I can be honest, is a little weird. I’m used it leaning back in my big important chair with my feet propped up on my computer under the desk in my fancy office with the maroon accent wall and spending hours penning my blog master pieces. Instead last night and tonight I’m at my tiny kitchen table typing on my tiny laptop that is made for midget (excuse me “little people”) hands meaning I have to stop every few words and make sure I type “give” instead of “hubr” because the keys are so close together. I also can’t keep my head down and focused because my dog is jumping on and off the couch – something he is ubber proud of considering he just learned how to do this last Sunday.
Question – Speaking of the dog, how is the dog?
Answer – He is AMAZING. Seriously, Boyfriend and I wonder how we got so lucky. Which I know is something creepy pageant mothers say on Toddlers and Tiaras, but really y’all… our dog is so freaking cool.
Question – You were on like a month and a half hiatus and all you can say is, “I got a new job”?
Answer – Well, I got a new job, I quit my old job, I went to Tom Bean, TX to spend Easter and the week after with Boyfriend’s Sister and Mom, my parents came in town one weekend… Yes, I’ve been neglecting my blog. Make me feel bad about it why don’t ya.
Question – Sorry. Don’t get all defensive. Have you been writing? Are you going back to the 3-4 posts a week? What TV shows are you going to watch this summer, write five recaps and then stop mid-season because you suck?
Answer – Yes, I have been writing. I haven’t been blogging, but I do have those Brian Griffin novel ideas, that at some point I would like to put to paper. I don’t know exactly what will be my blog writing schedule from not on. Glee is over for the summer, so my Tuesdays are free, but I’m starting Kick Ball next month so Thursday posts are probably not going to happen. My guess is it will be just as sporadic as ever. I don’t know if I will recap anything any time soon. I thought about doing a Real Housewives recap, but the folks over at Vulture do such a good job that I’m pretty sure I would just steal all their jokes until about half way through the season when I’m so over hearing about Ramona’s Pinot Grigio habit and my eyes hurt from the 5 tons of turquoise jewelry LuAnn wears to every party that I would just cut and paste their recaps onto my blog. Then six months later I would blame the poor public education system in this country that didn’t properly teach me plagiarism.
Question – You look like you really want to say some something, what’s up?
Answer- Okay so, today when I was driving to work Mark Paul Gosselaar (AKA Zack Morris) was on the radio promoting his new TNT show Franklin & Bash. After talking for a few minutes and playing a round of Family Feud or something, they finally got down to the good stuff… Saved By The Bell. Mark Paul told me that his favorite Saved By The Bell episode was the one with Becky the duck. You know, the one where they discover oil under the Bayside football field and everyone thinks they’re going to be the richest school ever and not have to do homework and whatnot, but then there is an oil spill and oil gets into the pond where Zack’s biology class had just let their pet ducks and fish and turtles and newts go. SPOILER ALERT! It didn’t go well for the animals and they all died. So then, when the big oil company executive (who of course is wearing a cowboy belt buckle because aren’t all oil execs from Texas?) comes to the school to pitch his awesome ideas for new computers and books and better facilities, Zack and the gang cock block all the future students at Bayside High by telling Mr. Big Oil Executive that they don’t want a new football stadium or better cafeteria or awesome science lab because you killed Becky the Duck. Bastard! For Becky! And then the episode ends in a paused 6 way high five. Yeah… that was a great episode…
He also said that the one that he hates to this day is not the “I’m so excited, I’m so scared” episode, but the one where they all had to do family research projects and he finds out that he’s like 1/64th Native American so he shows up to class in a giant Indian head dress and deer skin pants and moccasins as “Running Zack” (which might be the dumbest Indian name ever) Mark Paul was talking about how he was so embarrassed and even to this day he won’t go gamble on Reservations because he doesn’t want anyone bringing that episode up in conversation.
Question – Do you feel better now?
Answer- Yes.
Question – Zack or Slater?
Answer – Zach always. In fact I had the Saved By The Bell board game where if you won you got to go on a date to the Max with either Zack or Slater. I always picked Zack.
Question – What are your thoughts on Saved By The Bell The College Years?
Answer – I’m pretty neutral. I mean I don’t love them like the original episodes, but I don’t hate them. They are kinda like the Tori episodes that just randomly happen in the middle of senior year. I’m all, “meh”. I do have a problem with Bob Golic’s character, Michael “Mike” Rogers. He was the ex-football player who was like 35 and living in the dorms with all the freshmen. Even as a twelve year old I knew this wasn’t right. Creep, not right. I know the show needed an older character to replace Belding, but I think a Mr. feeny-like character would have worked better. You know Belding could have followed all the kids to college and been a counselor or something.
Question – It certainly sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into the these answers about Saved By The Bell.
Answer – I blame the questions.
Question – DON’T BLAME THE QUESTIONS!
(insert FRIENDS laugh track here)
Question – Moving on… Do you have any good blog post ideas in mind for future posts?
Answer – Oh, you mean for posts when I’m not answering random questions that I made up? Yes, I’ve got some great ideas involving cupcakes (the food not the person), wild pigs, and Google Maps.
Question – Google Maps? You might be a bigger nerd than I feared?
Answer – Wait, but you’re not real.
Question – You’re typing like I am.
Answer – Fuck.
Question – WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN???
Answer – Um, I wish I could say I’ve been climbing Mount Kilimanjaro or curing cancer, but in all reality I’ve been at home mostly.
Question – Then why haven’t you been blogging embarrassing stories and whatnot?
Answer – Well, mostly because I changed jobs and I am no longer doing the job of a retarded hamster, so I don’t have 4 free hours a day to randomly write about giving my doctor a bloody or breaking my foot at a water park.
Question – “Retarded Hamster”?
Answer – That’s not a question, but I thought that would make my sister laugh. You see there is this whole funny story about me learning to read and hamsters and well… it’s funny, but it’s hard writing funny and embarrassing stories from when I was 5.
Question – So where are you writing now?
Answer – In the comfort of my own home, which if I can be honest, is a little weird. I’m used it leaning back in my big important chair with my feet propped up on my computer under the desk in my fancy office with the maroon accent wall and spending hours penning my blog master pieces. Instead last night and tonight I’m at my tiny kitchen table typing on my tiny laptop that is made for midget (excuse me “little people”) hands meaning I have to stop every few words and make sure I type “give” instead of “hubr” because the keys are so close together. I also can’t keep my head down and focused because my dog is jumping on and off the couch – something he is ubber proud of considering he just learned how to do this last Sunday.
Question – Speaking of the dog, how is the dog?
Answer – He is AMAZING. Seriously, Boyfriend and I wonder how we got so lucky. Which I know is something creepy pageant mothers say on Toddlers and Tiaras, but really y’all… our dog is so freaking cool.
Question – You were on like a month and a half hiatus and all you can say is, “I got a new job”?
Answer – Well, I got a new job, I quit my old job, I went to Tom Bean, TX to spend Easter and the week after with Boyfriend’s Sister and Mom, my parents came in town one weekend… Yes, I’ve been neglecting my blog. Make me feel bad about it why don’t ya.
Question – Sorry. Don’t get all defensive. Have you been writing? Are you going back to the 3-4 posts a week? What TV shows are you going to watch this summer, write five recaps and then stop mid-season because you suck?
Answer – Yes, I have been writing. I haven’t been blogging, but I do have those Brian Griffin novel ideas, that at some point I would like to put to paper. I don’t know exactly what will be my blog writing schedule from not on. Glee is over for the summer, so my Tuesdays are free, but I’m starting Kick Ball next month so Thursday posts are probably not going to happen. My guess is it will be just as sporadic as ever. I don’t know if I will recap anything any time soon. I thought about doing a Real Housewives recap, but the folks over at Vulture do such a good job that I’m pretty sure I would just steal all their jokes until about half way through the season when I’m so over hearing about Ramona’s Pinot Grigio habit and my eyes hurt from the 5 tons of turquoise jewelry LuAnn wears to every party that I would just cut and paste their recaps onto my blog. Then six months later I would blame the poor public education system in this country that didn’t properly teach me plagiarism.
Question – You look like you really want to say some something, what’s up?
Answer- Okay so, today when I was driving to work Mark Paul Gosselaar (AKA Zack Morris) was on the radio promoting his new TNT show Franklin & Bash. After talking for a few minutes and playing a round of Family Feud or something, they finally got down to the good stuff… Saved By The Bell. Mark Paul told me that his favorite Saved By The Bell episode was the one with Becky the duck. You know, the one where they discover oil under the Bayside football field and everyone thinks they’re going to be the richest school ever and not have to do homework and whatnot, but then there is an oil spill and oil gets into the pond where Zack’s biology class had just let their pet ducks and fish and turtles and newts go. SPOILER ALERT! It didn’t go well for the animals and they all died. So then, when the big oil company executive (who of course is wearing a cowboy belt buckle because aren’t all oil execs from Texas?) comes to the school to pitch his awesome ideas for new computers and books and better facilities, Zack and the gang cock block all the future students at Bayside High by telling Mr. Big Oil Executive that they don’t want a new football stadium or better cafeteria or awesome science lab because you killed Becky the Duck. Bastard! For Becky! And then the episode ends in a paused 6 way high five. Yeah… that was a great episode…
He also said that the one that he hates to this day is not the “I’m so excited, I’m so scared” episode, but the one where they all had to do family research projects and he finds out that he’s like 1/64th Native American so he shows up to class in a giant Indian head dress and deer skin pants and moccasins as “Running Zack” (which might be the dumbest Indian name ever) Mark Paul was talking about how he was so embarrassed and even to this day he won’t go gamble on Reservations because he doesn’t want anyone bringing that episode up in conversation.
Question – Do you feel better now?
Answer- Yes.
Question – Zack or Slater?
Answer – Zach always. In fact I had the Saved By The Bell board game where if you won you got to go on a date to the Max with either Zack or Slater. I always picked Zack.
Question – What are your thoughts on Saved By The Bell The College Years?
Answer – I’m pretty neutral. I mean I don’t love them like the original episodes, but I don’t hate them. They are kinda like the Tori episodes that just randomly happen in the middle of senior year. I’m all, “meh”. I do have a problem with Bob Golic’s character, Michael “Mike” Rogers. He was the ex-football player who was like 35 and living in the dorms with all the freshmen. Even as a twelve year old I knew this wasn’t right. Creep, not right. I know the show needed an older character to replace Belding, but I think a Mr. feeny-like character would have worked better. You know Belding could have followed all the kids to college and been a counselor or something.
Question – It certainly sounds like you’ve put a lot of thought into the these answers about Saved By The Bell.
Answer – I blame the questions.
Question – DON’T BLAME THE QUESTIONS!
(insert FRIENDS laugh track here)
Question – Moving on… Do you have any good blog post ideas in mind for future posts?
Answer – Oh, you mean for posts when I’m not answering random questions that I made up? Yes, I’ve got some great ideas involving cupcakes (the food not the person), wild pigs, and Google Maps.
Question – Google Maps? You might be a bigger nerd than I feared?
Answer – Wait, but you’re not real.
Question – You’re typing like I am.
Answer – Fuck.
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