So in my last post I talking about weird things that single girls who live alone do. (Or at least weird things I do – I guess I shouldn’t speak for all singles out there as I know there must be some normal ones somewhere.) I’m now going to simply concentrate on the first part of that new classification I’ve found myself a part of.
Single.
As in one.
As in alone.
As in “ALLLLL BYYYY MYSELLLFFFFF”.
I’ve never been single in my life. I mean pretty much that is a correct statement. I’ve had two serious boyfriends in my post high school “adult” life. So, in the past 10 years I’ve been in two relationships that have lasted 9.5 years. This “being single” this being “young, wild, and free” thing is COMPLETELY new to me. And to be honest I don’t think I’m doing too bad. So here is a quick rundown of my singlehood – the highs and the lows…
High – Turns out I’m not so awkward that no one wants to ask me on dates!*
Low – The first guy to do so was annoying as all getup and a completely creepy dude that used to be on my kickball team who asked me out 48 hours after Kevin and I broke up… and he totally knew Kevin and that we had just broken up. Good thing Michelle was there to laugh in his face. (We are both going to Hell.)
High – I went to a party and made out with a cute guy!
Low – He was, well… older. (But still cute I swear!)
High – Sarah convinced me to go out with him and I did a few times and had a really good time.
Low – He blew me off and I haven’t heard from him since. I’m chalking it up to good dating experience and him being, “just not that into me”.
High – I get my whole bed ALL TO MYSELF!
Low – Sometimes I crawl onto my dog’s bed and spoon with him until even he gets annoyed with me and starts sighing really loud and trying to roll me off him.
High – I just got his balls chopped off. Ha! George Michael you will never win against me!
High – I can eat where ever and whatever I want to eat. (banana peppers, jalapenos, cheese… anyone?)
Low – I have to pay for all my food myself. I really miss multiple dinners out a month at restaurants like Paggi House and Olivia and 34th Street Café.
High - I can watch whatever movie I want to (What? Lots of people watch Mean Girls and Heathers 4 times a week…)
Low – Somewhere deep down inside of me I know I’m getting dumber watching and re-watching movies with quotes like the following...
“Alyssa, I’m sorry you’re a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re gap-toothed” and “Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw”
High – I like to flirt.
Low – I usually end up saying something nerdy. Like really nerdy. Like I bring up Agatha Christie characters or I tell them really long stories about how in 7th grade my girlfriends and I used to make all the boys in our classes carry our books to are next class because somehow I thought that story related to what we were talking about but in the end I just couldn’t make the connection and he got a really weird look on his face.
High – My nerdiness is super-hot!
Low – Too bad no one believes that but me.
*This is a huge deal. HUGE!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Friday, March 23, 2012
Single and Alone - A Look Into My Rediculousness
Recently Alaine posted a link on my Facebook page to a list of things single girls do. Needless to say I found it quite hilarious. However I believe some actions were left off this list. I have never been both single and living by myself in my life, so this situation is very new to me. Not only do I not have a significant other to try to be normal (or at least not completely creepy or gross) in front of, but I don’t even have random roommates to act my age in front of. Pretty much I can be as weird and obnoxious as I want to. Really, as long as I every now and then throw my dog a bone, he doesn’t even care.
Things Single and Living By Herself Elaine Does…
1. I constantly paint and repaint my fingernails. Really, I probably do this 3-4 times a week. I think it’s become a relaxation thing to me. Yeah… that’s what I’m telling myself because I feel like it could quickly turn into my eating disorder or cutting. You know, when people become anorexic because food is the one thing in their lives they can control. I’m not saying my life is spiraling out of control, but it doesn’t matter what angry email I received at work or what boy didn’t call me because I can paint my nails St. Tropez Sea Breeze damn it!
2. Sometime when I wake up in the morning I have some left over mascara crumbles just below my eyes and I’ll use a makeup wipe to remove them, but I don’t want to waste the whole wipe because I only used like 10% of its cleaning power and those things are expensive, so I’ll shove it back into the pack with all the nice and clean and not dirtied up wipes to keep it fresh.
3. I don’t own a full length mirror. Don’t think I haven’t set up the timer on my camera and just taken a full length photo to make sure that those shoes really do go with that dress. (Come on! I have no one to ask!) Besides if I learned anything from Cher in Clueless it’s to never trust mirrors and always take Polaroids.
4. I have had more than one dinner that consisted of pickled banana peppers, pickled jalapenos, cheese, and Tecate – all straight from a can or jar.
5. One day I found out that I had drunkenly downloaded a Linkin Park cover of Dust in the Wind by Kansas... wait for it, it gets worse… one night (completely sober) I listened to it on repeat and turned up as loud as I dared with so many neighbors and jammed out to that tragedy for at least 45 minutes.
6. Although it kinda creeps me out when my giant dog pokes his head past the shower curtain when I’m showering, I also love rubbing water on his ears and then watching him frantically trying to lick the water off because I need entertainment when I'm shaving my legs.
7. I’m 97% sure that at this very moment there are at least 3 Rotisserie chickens in various stages of being consumed on the top shelf of my refrigerator and they are all expired and inedible.
8. I make my bed every day. However, don’t ask how often I’ve washed sheets.
9. It’s completely normal to watch an entire season of Sons of Anarchy on DVD from Friday at 6:30PM to Saturday 11:00AM, right?
10. I put my makeup on and do my hair while sitting in the sink. Yup, it’s exactly like it sounds. I sit on the edge of the sink with my feet by the drain. What’s really ridiculous is sometimes in the morning I forget to put my contacts in because I’m sitting so close to the mirror I don’t need them in to get ready. So it isn’t until right before I’m about to get dressed and I’m unfolding myself from the bathroom counter when I realize I can’t see shit and now I have to try to shove my contacts in my eye balls – AFTER I’VE ALREADY PUT MASCARA ON! Fail. Usually on these days (about once a week) I just end up wearing my glasses.
Things Single and Living By Herself Elaine Does…
1. I constantly paint and repaint my fingernails. Really, I probably do this 3-4 times a week. I think it’s become a relaxation thing to me. Yeah… that’s what I’m telling myself because I feel like it could quickly turn into my eating disorder or cutting. You know, when people become anorexic because food is the one thing in their lives they can control. I’m not saying my life is spiraling out of control, but it doesn’t matter what angry email I received at work or what boy didn’t call me because I can paint my nails St. Tropez Sea Breeze damn it!
2. Sometime when I wake up in the morning I have some left over mascara crumbles just below my eyes and I’ll use a makeup wipe to remove them, but I don’t want to waste the whole wipe because I only used like 10% of its cleaning power and those things are expensive, so I’ll shove it back into the pack with all the nice and clean and not dirtied up wipes to keep it fresh.
3. I don’t own a full length mirror. Don’t think I haven’t set up the timer on my camera and just taken a full length photo to make sure that those shoes really do go with that dress. (Come on! I have no one to ask!) Besides if I learned anything from Cher in Clueless it’s to never trust mirrors and always take Polaroids.
4. I have had more than one dinner that consisted of pickled banana peppers, pickled jalapenos, cheese, and Tecate – all straight from a can or jar.
5. One day I found out that I had drunkenly downloaded a Linkin Park cover of Dust in the Wind by Kansas... wait for it, it gets worse… one night (completely sober) I listened to it on repeat and turned up as loud as I dared with so many neighbors and jammed out to that tragedy for at least 45 minutes.
6. Although it kinda creeps me out when my giant dog pokes his head past the shower curtain when I’m showering, I also love rubbing water on his ears and then watching him frantically trying to lick the water off because I need entertainment when I'm shaving my legs.
7. I’m 97% sure that at this very moment there are at least 3 Rotisserie chickens in various stages of being consumed on the top shelf of my refrigerator and they are all expired and inedible.
8. I make my bed every day. However, don’t ask how often I’ve washed sheets.
9. It’s completely normal to watch an entire season of Sons of Anarchy on DVD from Friday at 6:30PM to Saturday 11:00AM, right?
10. I put my makeup on and do my hair while sitting in the sink. Yup, it’s exactly like it sounds. I sit on the edge of the sink with my feet by the drain. What’s really ridiculous is sometimes in the morning I forget to put my contacts in because I’m sitting so close to the mirror I don’t need them in to get ready. So it isn’t until right before I’m about to get dressed and I’m unfolding myself from the bathroom counter when I realize I can’t see shit and now I have to try to shove my contacts in my eye balls – AFTER I’VE ALREADY PUT MASCARA ON! Fail. Usually on these days (about once a week) I just end up wearing my glasses.
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