The Movie That Plays In My Head: I'm an Amazing Singer and I'm Inappropriate at High School Dances...

There is an Episode of Gossip Girl where Serena reminds Blair that no one is watching the movie she thinks her life is. It’s okay to mess up, no one else is listening and no one else cares. Now in the world of Gossip Girl this isn’t really true. Millions of us are watching and even if you take the audience out of the scenario, “Gossip Girl” is always watching. I mean she even has the inside to the horrible, scandalous things the parents on the show are doing. Serena isn’t the sharpest tool in the tool shed, but for real life what she said is true, and I am guilty of forgetting this many times in my life. Blame it on my wild imagination or love for the movies, but throughout my life I’ve tried to have movie moments and recognize the ones that just show up on their own.

Lemon Lady Movie Moments…

When I was in fifth grade I tried out for choir because all the other girls in my class were trying out of choir. Everyone who tried out made the Dare Elementary Choir, but the goal was to make “Show Choir”. Show Choir meant that you learned a bunch of songs about America and then got together with other elementary schools in the area and put on a Musical American Pageant for all the parents. (Another reason for not having kids… I can’t believe my mom and dad sat through crap like this.) On the day of auditions for Show Choir we all had to stand up before the group and sing My Country Tis Of Thee. If we were good enough for Show Choir we were told to stand on one side of the room, if not you stood on the other side knowing that all your friends made the cool choir, got to miss a day of school to practice for the pageant, and didn’t suck at singing like you obviously did. I got up, stood in front of my peers, and started singing about America. Most of the kids only sang a few lines of the song and were quickly told what side of the room to stand on. I almost finished the whole first verse, when finally the music teacher stopped me. Then I just hung out at the front of the room. She couldn’t make up her mind. It was like I could see the wheels turning inside her brain.

“Well, she wasn’t horrible.”

“Um, yeah, she wasn’t good either.”

“She just needs a little training.”

“She sucks and I bet her mother is a horrible singer, too. Runs in the family you know…”

“But, maybe…”

“But, no…”

End the end I got to join the cool kids in Show Choir and go on to perform in the America Pageant. I decided to star in “the movie playing in my head” on the day we got to miss school to meet up with all the other fifth graders from all the other schools and practice the pageant. That day was also the day solos would be decided on. Two things. One, ever since I was held in limbo that day at tryouts for what seemed like hours while my music teacher was trying to figure out where to put me, I had made up my mind that I was going to become the best singer ever to show her she made the right decision. Two, I was going to do this by trying out and getting a solo in the pageant.

The morning of the day we missed school we learned where to stand and ran through all the songs. Then we broke for lunch. Everyone had to bring their lunch and we ate in a large room with high school style lab tables and stools. Yeah, we thought we were really cool. I was there with five or six of my friends and during the morning we spent our time whispering to each other when we were supposed to be quiet, playing with my friend Jennifer’s fortune teller, and sizing up the six boys that were the only males in a sea of 100 fifth grade girls. All of the boys seemed to be from the same school and we all assumed it was a boys only school.

Anyway, at lunch I saw a girl sitting all by herself and I felt sorry for her, so I walked over to her, introduced myself and told her she should come join my friends and I. This girl looked up from her sandwich and seriously gave me the meanest look ever and said, “I have friends. They are getting their lunches. They will be right back, bitch.” Okay she probably didn’t call me a bitch, but it stung like she did. I mean I was just trying to be nice to this chick and she treated me like insulted her mother and chopped off her favorite Barbie’s hair. As soon as I got back to my table of buddies all six of the boys walked in aand sat at the table with Evil Lunch Girl. Evidently, they didn’t got to an all boys school…

After lunch I tried my hardest to put Evil Lunch Girl in the back of my mind because I had a solo to grab. The solo was in a song called “Going West” and it was the women’s point of view on the Oregon Trail. In my mind it was My Heart Will Go On, Memories from Cats, and that song from Dream Girls all rolled into one. I had been practicing for months and I was going to nail it. There were about 12 girls trying out and the music teachers had us all line up on the stage. One by one we walked to the piano and sang the solo. After we had sung they lined us up in order from 12 (being the crappiest singer) to 1st, the person who actually got the solo. I intentionally got at the very end of the line so I could go last and make a big impression. Evil Lunch Girl was somewhere in the middle. She stepped up, sang, and was immediately positioned at the front of the line in the number one spot. No other girl sang as well as she did and she was still number one when it was my turn to sing. I stepped up to the piano.

When I reached the piano I decided to let the music teachers know I was a star and instead of singing to them, who were standing on the other side of the piano bench, I turned and sand to the empty auditorium. I sang loud. I sang proud. I sang to all my stuffed animals I imagined could hear me in my bedroom. I sang to Tyler Harrell the boy at school I thought was cute. I sang to that other boy who ate lunch with Evil Lunch Girl who was also cute. I sang to make my parents proud. I sang with an expressive face and used arm gestures and I balled my fist at the part where I said I was tough as a man. I sang like every movie, every TV Show, ever London Theater play had taught me to sing. I my mind, in the movie I was starring in, in my head, I was the star. I was awesome. I sang the shit out of the Lady solo in “Going West”.

I was placed fourth in line.

Evil Lunch Girl sang my solo the next night.

This is the first time in my life I can remember the movie in my head not going the way I had planned. This was the first time I realized that maybe the movie wasn’t there, that maybe I wasn’t a secret Disney Channel Star.

There were a lot of other moments in my life that didn’t pan out the way they would have if I were staring in a Teen or Romantic comedy. But one that really sticks out is Homecoming Junior year of High School. Unlike my solo star moment in fifth grade, I didn’t plan this one. This moment just happened and it wasn’t until after that night when I was looking back did I realize it was a great movie moment in my life.

My date for the Homecoming Dance Junior year was my Ex-Boyfriend, Garrett. We had only been broken up for about two weeks, so we decided to just keep our date for the dance because it was easier than getting dates last minute. Our break up was pretty mutual and there weren’t any hard feelings, but to make it a little less awkward we decided to go with a small group of friends. This group included Christina, a Cheerleading friend, and her date Crazy Steve. Christina and I were on the same team and friends, but we weren’t really that close. She and Garrett were also seniors compared to me and Crazy Steve. I liked Steve a lot. He was smart, funny, and friends with a group of boys I became better friends with my junior year of school because my girl friends decided I wasn’t cool enough or something and stopped being my friends.

Crazy Steve was crazy in love with Christina. Or at least crazy in lust or like. For the whole previous year of school she had dated this one dude, but he moved away (as like 50% of my school did every summer because it was on a military base). So Steve quickly made his move at the beginning of the school year by grabbing Christina as his Homecoming date. The problem with his plan, asking her way early before anyone else, is a lot happened between him asking and the actual dance. One big thing was Garrett and Christina getting together right after we broke up.

Yeah, it was kinda awkward. So here’s the scene. I’m Garrett’s date, but I know he really wants to be with Christina. Christina is with Crazy Steve, but I know she really wants to be with Garrett, but doesn’t want to hurt Steve’s feelings because everyone told her he’s got a huge crush on her. Oh and Christina is wearing a dress she borrowed from me (which really doesn’t add anything to the story but I thought I’d let you know).

Yeah, dinner was awkward and at the dance Garrett and Christina stopped being polite and just had a good time together. I didn’t mind because I didn’t have feelings for Garrett and I could have even more fun with my friends than with my Ex-Boyfriend, but I knew Steve was hurt and sad. I knew his night was not going the way he planned it or saw it in his head. If he was starring in his own movie in his head, it was going downhill fast.

I found him outside the main room where everyone was dancing the night away. There was a large stairwell that led somewhere upstairs where students weren’t suppose to go and Steve was sitting under the stairs with his back against the wall. I joined him and we sat next to each other, shoulders touching for a long time. We didn’t talk. We just sat. I then took my shoes off, and without saying a word so did Steve. We wiggled out toes together to the beat of the music that was still loud, even though we were in a different room. Then we both started laughing and everything was fine. We talked about our crazy dates and the awkward dinner and photos we all took together. He told me funny stories about his friends and way they called him Crazy Steve and I shared stories of Cheerleading and our crazy coach from the year before. It was fun.

So, I already think this scenario is kinda movie like. Maybe we were in a sweet teen romantic comedy or something, but then it got totally better. We decided we had been antisocial for long enough and we were going to go and join our friends and dance and have a fun time at our Homecoming. We get out from under the stairs and I bend over to fasten my shoes. I bend at the waist to do this because it’s hard to crouch down in the dress I’m wearing. When Steve took off his shoes he did so by just pushing them off his feet, therefore now he has to try to undo the double knots of his dress shoes. At that exact moment our Principal and one of the coaches walks through the door coming from the dance. This is what they see…

Yeah I am bent over at the waist and Steve is behind me kind of swaying because he awkward and unbalanced with only one shoe on. Principal’s face turned bright red and started screaming at us to quit being nasty and get back to the dance, while Coach started cracking up and tried to be serious and point us back to the main room, but he couldn’t stop laughing. I had no idea what was going on because I can’t see what Steve is doing behind me and I honestly thought Principal was yelling at some other couple and not us.

Yeah, she wasn’t…

We spent the rest of the night dancing and laughing.

I spent the rest of my junior year and time at Ramstein High School avoiding Principal’s gaze.

Halloween!!! It's (almost) only a month away...

I have giant floor to ceiling windows in my office, and lately I feel like all they do is trick me into thinking the weather might finally be changing and fall might be coming to Austin. Three weeks ago, one of Boyfriend’s friends called me to get us both to join his Fantasy Football League. He lives in Minnesota and three weeks ago it was 55 degrees! He told me he wore gloves and a beanie to work that morning. I miss fall weather like that. When we lived in Germany during my high school years, we might get one or two football game in before we gave up wearing our normal Cheerleading outfits and added gloves, sweatshirts, and beanies. Boyfriend always says that fall comes to Texas the week of his birthday, and honestly ever since we have been dating (for the past four years) come October 20th, it does get cooler.

It has been rainy here, and I think it’s the rain that tricks me into thinking it could be cooler outside. Plus, my windows are tinted, so everything looks just a little darker. That’s it. Tinted windows and rainy days are enough to trick my mind into believing it might be 65 outside. But it’s not.

One of my favorite things about fall is Halloween. Growing up I loved Halloween. I loved deciding what costume I would wear trick-or-treating and talking to all my friends about what they would be. I liked going to the Commissary with my mom in buying huge bags of candy for the kids in our neighborhood. Even when I was young enough to trick-or-treat, I still loved watching the other kids and seeing all the fun and creative costumes. Halloween is totally Fashion Week for eight year olds.

Costumes I’ve worn on Halloween…

Rainbow Bright
Bridal Tutu from my ballet recital the year before
Witch
Clown/Jester with cool mask
Cat

What is weird is I can’t remember at all what I dressed up as when we lived in Yorktown, Virginia. I know I must have been something, because I think one year I went trick-or-treating with my friend Jennifer and the other year I must have gone around the neighborhood with Michael Pienkowski, but I can’t for the life of me think about what I would have gone as.

When you get older, Halloween becomes (to quote Mean Girls) “The one night a year a girl can dress as a total slut and no other girls can say anything mean about her”. I did this once for a Halloween party Davis Girl, Old Roommate, and I threw my 2nd year of college. Hosting a bad ass Halloween Party was on my list of Things To Do Before I Turn 25 and I marked it off after that night. Yes, when you get older Halloween pretty much becomes a girl’s “pass night” for dressing like a common whore. There are three main ways girls do this.

How to be a Whore on Halloween and be totally acceptable…

Add Animal Ears. (Again to quote Mean Girls) Gretchen - “What are you suppose to be?” Karen – (pointing to her fake grey ears) “I’m a mouse, duh.” Yes, adding any type of animal ear to your slutty dress or, if you’re really daring, your lingerie makes a great Halloween costume.

Add Wings. The year of my slutty début I went with this option. Slutty black dress, fishnets, high heels, and wings… "look ma I’m a fairy! A slutty fairy, but a fairy…"

Kindergarten Career. Okay no, I’m not trying to be gross or pedophile like. What I mean is if you walk into a Kindergarten class and asked the little boys and girls what they want to be when they grow, whatever they tell you will be a great slutty Halloween costume. Policeman! Nurse! Pirate! (What? You can want to be a pirate when you grow up…) All of these occupations make great slutty Halloween outfits.

This is my problem with Halloween now. I am too old to trick-or-treat. Which sucks, because when I was in college I would have lived off that candy for the whole month of November and thus had more beer money. I feel like I’ve already grown out of my “slutty girl” phase, and finding an age appropriate costume (that wouldn’t make me blush in front of my parents) is a challenge.

Since “Slutty Girl” Fairy costume, other costumes I’ve had…

Paris Hilton complete with long blonde wig and stuffed dog.
Amy Winehouse and I teased my own hair into a beehive.

Another problem I have with Halloween is planning what to do. When you are little there is nothing else but dressing up and parading around your neighborhood with your siblings or friends. Therefore there really isn’t that much planning except for deciding whose mom will walk with y’all and what side of the street to start on. Slutty phase meant picking a party or going downtown and taking a chance of getting stabbed with dirty needles. (Yeah I live in a sick town…)

Some people really love Halloween and throw parties every year until they die, and I totally wish I knew people like this. Evidently my sister’s in-laws are like this. I’m jealous that every year she has a built in excuse to get dressed up. Lately ever year my friends and I are scrambling to find somewhere to go last minute because we all want to get dressed up. (Well my friends besides Boyfriend because he thinks getting dressed up is stupid which might be his biggest flaw.)

Halloween Costumes I’ve seen that I wish I thought up…

Lego Men. Old Roommate and his buddy did this one year. They went to Cosco and bought giant barrels of Pretzels. They threw the pretzels out and panted the barrels yellow and cut holes for eyes. They then painted the rest of the Lego face. The rest of the costume was just blue jeans and red T-Shirts with Yellow gloves. They looked awesome!

Bob Barker Beauties: LSU Friend, Cupcake, and another one of their friends did this one year. It was so simple. A fun sparkly dress (because who doesn’t want to wear a fun sparkly dress), big teased hair, and a large arrow sign to point to “awesome and fabulous” prizes. You get extra credit if you can get a guy to wear a white wig and carry around a very long, very thin microphone.

Bride from Kill Bill. My sister did this last year and it turned out amazing. All she wore was an old white dress, but she got to have a lot of fun with bloody make up. Oh, and you should be barefoot.

I know it’s not October yet, but I wanted to write this post early to get ideas for costumes and what my friends and I should do this year. Please help us out!

Also, thanks to everyone who is reading. Last week I finally put a counter up and I got almost 300 hits. I’m not sure if this is good or bad in the whole wide world of blogging, but it made me feel pretty great. Also, I wanted to thank you guys who post my link on their Facebook pages or status’ as it then reaches more people I don’t know. (Sister, you are awesome at this!) Don’t forget to follow and leave comments. Again, thanks for reading. I hope you all enjoy this blog as much as I do.

North Austin A-Holes and Why Ron Weasley might be Vince Young's Brotha From Anotha Motha...

What I thought about on my way to work this morning…

I can’t stand North Austin A-Holes who stay in the right hand lane when they want to go straight even though there is a green right hand turn signal!

I drew a map to better explain myself.

As you can see there are two lanes on Great Hills Trail. The right lane has a red stoplight to stop you from going straight, but while that red light says you can’t drive forward, there is a green right hand arrow saying, “Hey it’s all cool to turn right”. Now I know this intersection well. I used to work at The Ann Taylor that is just beyond the Great Hills Trail and Jollyville intersection. When I worked at the AT I would get in the left hand lane and then once through the intersection I would change lanes into the right hand lane so I could turn right into the shopping center. I did this four to five times a week for over four years. It is not hard. Therefore I don’t understand why other people can’t do this. It is not hard to change lanes after the intersection! I never missed my turn! Don’t worry people, you will have plenty of time to easily move into the right hand lane to get to Starbucks and Saks. But do people think about other people? No, they don’t. They can’t get their mind off their Venti Mocha Latte long enough to logically think that they are sitting at a green arrow light and maybe the cars behind them would like to turn!!! I’ve never wanted a “You’re a bad driver and shouldn’t be allowed on the road” neon sign on the top of my car more than when I’m trying to turn right onto Jollyville so I can get to work.

What else I thought about on my way to work…

Everyone that knows me knows that I am a huge football fan. I could care less about basketball, baseball, golf, tennis… but I love me some football! College or Pro; I’m not picky. Boyfriend has gotten me hooked on listening to sports radio. Every since the start of preseason I’ve been switching back and forth between 104.9 The Horn and ESPN’s 1300 and 1530. I can’t get enough of it. I enjoy a lot of what they have to say and I disagree with a lot of what they have to say. NFL Football has already tested my patients and it is only week two. What continues to bother me, and to a lesser extent Boyfriend, is that no one will talk about Vince Young and the Tennessee Titans. Since they are not the Cowboys, Patriots, Eagles, Baltimore, or Jets they get no air time.

Okay, so this morning I was actually excited to get in the car and turn on the radio because I figured after the horrible lose to Pittsburg, those radio people would have to talk about Tennessee. (It’s sad that I know they will talk about how horrible Vince is but never how great he is.) But still they aren’t talking about the Titans. They can’t stop talking about Michael Vick playing for the Eagles and Mark Sanchez at the Jets, but no Vince. Angry, I turn off the radio.

Then it hits me! Vince Young is totally just like Ron Weasley from Harry Potter. Hear me out…

Yes I know Ron Weasley is a red headed, British wizard with a deep love for Quidditch and Hermione and Vince Young is a black quarterback from inner city Houston with a passion for football and this mom and grandma. Yes, they are very different. Horrible people with no imagination might even call out the fact that Ron Weasley is a fictional character and Vince Young is a real man. Like I said hear me out…

In Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (Book #6) Harry Potter becomes Quidditch caption and has to hold try outs for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Ron Wealsey has always wanted to find glory on the Quidditch pitch. Even in Sorcerer’s Stone (Book #1) we learn that when Ron looks into the Mirror of Erised he sees himself as Quidditch Caption. Over the complete Harry Potter series the reader understands that Ron isn’t dumb and Ron isn’t bad at sports like Quidditch, but he doesn’t have a lot of positive self esteem. Ron has five older brothers who all, in their own special way, have gone on to be extremely successful. Whether it is working with Dragons or running their own joke shop, Ron believes he has a lot to live up to. Therefore when he is 16 and gets the opportunity to try out for his house’s Quidditch team, he is nervous as hell. His nerves are his problem. Harry knows that Ron is a good Keeper because he has played two on two Quidditch with him every summer since they were 12, but Ron cannot see or understand why anyone, let alone Harry as team Caption, sees him as anything other than a clumsy failure.

In Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince Ron makes it on to the Gryffindor House team. (With a little help from Hermione.) For the first game of the season Hermione catches Harry pouring a potion into Ron’s juice before the match. She freaks out because she thinks Harry is cheating by giving Ron some of his Felix Felicis or Liquid Luck (which is illegal for a player to drink before any sporting games). Ron freaks out because he is sure he is going to have the best game ever because he will be lucky. As he is walking down to the pitch the sun even comes out, which in no small event in England. Ron thinks he will stop every Quaffle from going through the three tall hoops because he is lucky. In all reality, Harry didn’t put anything in his drink, but just let Ron think he did. Ron played well because he wasn’t self doubting himself. He played well simply because he is a good player who was able to get past his own self doubt and pity.

Okay, Vince Young time. Vince Young is a good quarterback. People can talk all they want about his weird throwing style or how he can make awful decisions, but you can’t argue with his record and awards. He was the 3rd overall 2006 draft pick. During his first year he was the NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year. He has been to the Pro Bowl twice. His record for the Tennessee Titans is 35-10. No matter what people think of his personal life or his mindset, the man is a good quarterback. But, just like Ron Weasley he lacks the self-esteem to be the greatest and to live up to his full positional.

Vince Young can be amazing when he is on, when he is hot. The 2005 BCS Championship game proved that. He pretty much single handedly won that game for Texas. The same thing happened again last year when Tennessee played the Arizona. Funny enough he was playing against the same quarterback, Matt Leinart. Vince did the same thing he did in college. He took charge and in the last seconds, when the Cardinals has pretty much packed up on the sidelines, charged down the football field, into the end zone and won the game. Say what you want, Vince can be awesome.

His problem comes about when he isn’t having such a great day. One interception he is okay. Two interceptions and he completely losses it. It’s like he can’t remember how to be great. You can see it on his face. He has this, “Oh shit Grandma, how do I play this game again?” look under his helmet. And it gets worse and worse as the game goes on. His team had five turnovers on Sunday and Coach Fisher took him out of the game. Okay here we can kinda compare Fisher to Harry Potter. Harry Potter would never have taken Ron Weasley out of a game. (Yeah I know in Quidditch there are no substitutions, but you get the picture.) Harry believes in his friend and teammate. Jeff Fisher, although he doesn’t have to be Vince’s friend, doesn’t believe in his team’s leader and starting quarterback which is only going to make Vince feel worse and not play any better.

We never learn in the Harry Potter series if Ron gets over his self esteem issues and becomes a great Seeker and Quidditch player, but I think he did. He stabbed the Horcrux locket in the woods, he kept fighting after the death of his brother Fred, and he even remembered to save the House Elves thus winning Hermione’s heart for good. Yes, I think he got over his fears.

What will happen to Vince? As much as I love Tennessee and the whole team, I almost think he needs a fresh start with a team and management that hasn’t seen him struggle up close and personal. I want him to be great, but to be great you have to have your team behind you and that includes coaches, managers, and owners. Vince you need to get out of your head, remember that you are a good quarterback and you can be great… just like Ron Weasley.

Project Runway Episode 8: Jackie Yo Not O, Down a Michael, and Camel Toe...

We begin this episode by hearing how everyone is sad Casanova is gone. Personally I will miss the V neck shirts down to his bellybutton and his giant fish lips, but no one mentions them. Well, everyone is talking about the Casanova lack, except Ivy who is talking about herself, “I think I’m a very strong woman.” No, Ivy, you are a bitch. Really and it’s not because you are a woman. If you were a man I would call you a dick and if you were a gay man I would call you a bitchy queen. Case closed. Straight Michael thinks Ivy needs to step her designs up and use a color that isn’t black, navy, white or opaque. “Opaque is not a color!” Wow Straight Michael's balls are getting bigger and bigger. They might be marble sized now.

Challenge!!!

The designers meet Tim in a large loft and learn that they must create a look that is their own take on Classic American Sportswear, and use Jackie Kennedy as their inspiration and muse. So pretty much take Jackie O and update her for 2010. Awesome! What is today’s version of the Pill Box Hat? Christopher decides he is going to make a fantastic dress because it’s Jackie O and a runway, not because he is on a national television show and he wants to get to Fashion Week and win, duh. Andy is going to make Jackie Asian, because what doesn’t say CLASSIC AMERICAN sportswear, than something Asian.

Mood!!!

Every week my love for Mondo grows and grows. This week he is back to tip toeing around the store and listening to the bolts of fabric.

Workroom!!!

Gretchen is back to being her annoying self and “helping” all the other designers with their designs. Mean while, she is making a top that looks like a noose, and is concerned about Mondo’s look. STAY AWAY FROM MY MONDO!!!

All the designers think that Gay Michael is the funny one, now that Casanova is gone and he doesn’t have to complete with a foreigner with a funny accent. Oh, and he is making “expensive sportswear that isn’t really sportswear” and a skirt that takes inspiration from The Crucible. FYI: Jackie O would not wear Goth. Thanks Gretchen and Valerie, that really clears a lot up for me. Speaking of Valerie, her new strategy is to just ask Tim Gun every question under the sun and maybe then he will just tell her exactly how to make her outfit to the judges liking.

Tim Visit!!!

Straight Michael has already made two dresses by the time Tim walks around the room, and he isn’t impressed by either. In fact, now that Casanova is gone, Straight Michael seems to being making a Donna Karen dress! (Poor Donna Karen has gotten a horrible rap from this show.) Okay, Andy is making cargo pant/short things for Jackie O. Gay Michael’s skirt is still very “Crucible” and he is worries because he doesn’t want it to look “like she collects rulers and beats children”.

On the morning of day two April, who we haven’t seen at all this episode meaning she must be safe in the middle and thus getting no air time, talks about Andy’s look saying, “More Jackie Yo, than Jackie O.” Mondo also decides to wear short black shorts, a black and white tank, eye liner, black suspenders, and argyle knee socks.

Surprise Twist!!!

Because this show is too freaking long for its hour and a half time slot we need a twist to take up some time. Surprise, this is not a runway day, but another day to keep working on your looks. Oh, and you have to go back to Mood because the producers are making them make an outerwear piece to go with their look. Have fun! Everyone is freaking out until April (the 21 year old) wisely reminds everyone that outerwear doesn’t mean jacket. Light bulb goes off in Valerie’s head as she realizes since she has already made a jacket she can make a vest to go over it. (Every women’s favorite look, vest over jacket.)

Mood Round 2!!!

Christopher wants “something that looks like fur” and wow, he ends up with what he calls “leather” because faux fur is tacky looking, but he can’t say on national television that he is using fur, so leather it is. Then the cameramen give us a close up of Swatch, Mood's Boston Terrier, looking freaked out. Hehe.

Back at the Workroom!!!

OMG. Christopher didn’t realize that leather is thick and that he would have to hand stitch it, because why think about how you are going to have to actually sew the fabric you buy. Ivy is in love with this twist because she loves to make outerwear. Of course she loves making outerwear, she is a great seamstress. (Burn Nina, burn.) Back to Christopher, he wonders about the sex of his “leather” while giving the fur a haircut with scissors to make it less “nappy”. Oh, and Mondo is making a Harry Potter coat.

Tim Visit Round 2!!!

Gay Michael is still standing by his Crucible skirt. Tim says that Andy’s look is the most him he’s been all season. Great, Andy, the challenge is to update Jackie O and you are making her look like a Gay Asian designer from Hawaii. Oh, and she might have camel toe. “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe.” And then I almost choked on my popsicle.

Runway!!!

January Jones is the guest judge. I guess because she is on a show that is set in the 1960’s??? I also feel like I should make a joke about how horrible she was hosting SNL, and will she be like that here on PR, but I can’t get it out.

Christopher: (Top) I don’t like this. The dress looks anemic with a dead animal around the models shoulders. The model also looks as bored with it as I am. Seriously the dress is that weird color that isn’t white. It isn’t silver or beige. It’s just weird and not good for any skin tone. Also, the “outerwear” (I use that term lightly as it is more skinned throw pillow than jacket or wrap) looks like one of my parent’s old Flokati rugs. Seriously he bitched about having to hand sew it, but he didn’t! He just wrapped it around her and pinned it. Then, as she is walking down the runway he calls it, “Fashion Forward”. Um, wasn’t the whole one shoulder thing like two seasons ago? The judges, however, love the dress, but hate the outerwear shrug thing. This means that there is some serious ugly in this group if Christopher made it into the top three with half of his outfit looking a mess.

April: Her model looks totally cracked out! You can’t tell where her hair stops and her jacket begins. This is another one of those black designs that is hard for me to see on my TV. Everything blends together and details get lost. I think I like it better with the jacket, but I also feel that I want to see April design something with more color. Someone give this woman some purple!

Ivy: (Top) I love the white top. I would wear that in a heartbeat. Again, black sucks on my TV and it is hard to see the details of the pants. I think they are a little too high waisted and Talbots for my taste, but I know this is fashion for size 0, 5’9 girls, so I’ll let it slide. The jacket seems well made, but is weird when the model closes it. Heidi is right, there is a weird boob hole and it looks over worked. Also, what women wants a see through trench jacket made out of organza that is usually used for bridesmaid dresses? See through isn’t too weird. I remember a few years back Burberry or Louis Vitton did a see through plastic trench with their signature fabric as the piping. (Okay, I tried to Google a picture and couldn’t find one and LSU Friend who works at Burberry, at least for another week, assured me it wasn’t them. So maybe I am making this up, but I swear I remember this coat in magazines.) But why make a trench that doesn’t either keep you kinda warm or kinda dry? I don’t get it. The judges love the top and pants and like the jacket for its architectural design. Damn, we get another week of Ivy…

Straight Michael: All I can think about when watching this dress come down the runway is the “ugly blue” sweater conversation in The Devil Wears Prada. It’s the scene where Anne Hathoway is still all homely and in those gross square, chunky shoes when she laughs at Meryl Streep picking out belts that to her untrained eye looks exactly the same. Streep then goes into a long monolog about how everything in the fashion world trickles down from her decisions in that very room, including the blue color of her discount sweeter. Therefore I’m wondering if Straight Michael found that fabric in the discount bin at Mood. Oh and a cocktail dress isn’t sportswear!

Gretchen: Chicka, can you please stop using the icky brown colors? I don’t think the proportions of this outfit are quite right. The skirt is too long to be paired with the really long brown cap/coat thing. It’s just really blah…

Gay Michael: (Loser) I feel bad for Gay Michael because I don’t hate this look at all. Yes, the skirt is still fitting a little weird, but it still kinda like it. Yes, I don’t think that Jackie O would wear the double layered tanks, but I like the double layered tanks. Yes, the jacket doesn’t really belong with the rest of the look, but I still like the jacket. The judges hate it. Michael Kors calls it “Old lady on top and cheerleader on the bottom”. Heidi and Nina agree that it is very “mall”, and they all say it is insulting to Jackie Kennedy. Sorry funny, Gay Michael you are out. Now I can call Straight Michael just Michael… this makes me kinda sad…

Valerie: (Bottom) Lately I feel like Valerie has tried and tried and just not really found the finish line to her ideas. I like the jacket under the vest. That sentence right there is what is wrong with this design. No one wears vests over jackets! Originally, she was going to make pants. It would have looked much better with skinny black pants, or maybe even jeans. The judges call her out for the black, stretch “cop out” skirt. Nina makes a good point when she says that every time Valerie wants to make a design statement she does so with pleating and zippers which, “that does not, a good design make”.

Andy: (Bottom) No woman wants to wear pants that look like elephant legs. No woman wants to wear pants that look like elephant legs and that give you a giant wedgy. The judges HATE this look. I mean sometimes they get upset and sometimes they are confused about looks the designers come up with, but they really seem to hate this one. Heidi feels like she is on a different planet, because on Earth there is no way someone would design those pants for Jackie O. January doesn’t see American sportswear. Duh, Mrs. Jones Andy was designing Asian pants. Michael calls the whole look, “MC Hammer meets the Beverly Hillbilly’s Grandma.”

Mondo: (Winner) I love Mondo’s crazy fabric combinations. I would wear every single piece he created and I love the purple lining of the jacket. The judges call him the clear winner and Michael Kors is lusting after the striped T-Shirt.

Next Time on Project Runway: There is a BIG prize for the winner, and some crazy announcement has Valerie crying in the bathroom and Tim shaking.

My Other Addictions and a Portrait of my Sister...

The day I started this blog I knew I would write a blog post about my addiction to breakfast tacos. They really are a very important part of my life. If you read this blog regularly, you know that a few weeks ago I started going to Boot Camp at 5:30 in the morning to get my butt back into shape. On day one of Boot Camp, my trainer sent us an email of nutritional information to eat healthy and thus, lose more weight and look more amazing. I read the damn thing front and back and couldn’t find a single time the two words, “breakfast” and “taco” were written next to one another. My love, my passion, my addiction was not allowed, and therefore I was going to have to quit cold turkey. Like most addicts and most people who try to quit anything cold turkey, I haven’t been 100% successful. Now I don’t stop every morning at Taco Cabana or Rudy’s like I used to, but a couple of times I haven’t been able to get rid of the shakes with yogurt and fruit. Sometimes, like this morning, I just have to dash into Taco Shack and grab me a potato, egg, and cheese.

But, I should stop talking about Breakfast Tacos because I’ve already written about that love and addiction and I am kinda making myself hungry.

Lemon Lady’s Other Addictions!!!

Popsicles: Besides Breakfast Tacos I go through phases with foods I crave and have to have. Davis Girl and other college roommates probably remember my love for banana peppers from the jar and Best Friend remembers how during my senior year of High School I only at cheese and peanut butter crackers with a box of apple juice for breakfast every morning. (Well every morning until I got my own car and could drive to Taco Cabana…) Right now I am on a huge Popsicle kick. Not just any popsicles, but the ones that come just as juice in a plastic shell and you have to freeze them so they become popsicles. And not the name brand Fla-Vor-Ice but the knock offs that HEB sells in the red mesh bag, two for four dollars. I eat the purple, orange, and pinks first. Then I start on the reds and greens, and when I have no others left I eat the blues. I do not like blue flavored things. And, yes, blue is a flavor! But if I’m all out of grape, orange, strawberry (I think that is what pink is suppost to be) cheery, and lime, I will totally go there. The fact that I will eat the blue popsicles, even though I kinda don’t like them, totally makes me an addict. I figure it is like when Crack addicts are all out of the good stuff, they don’t cry and wish they had saved a hit for a rainy day. Crack addicts get down on their hands and knees and search the carpet for that tiny bit they dropped last Tuesday to support their habit. Obviously my popsicles wouldn’t last in the hot harsh climate out of the freezer, so I only have to search behind the chicken breasts I never remember to take out and thaw for dinner and that cold pack I used once in college. This is why I am superior to Crack addicts. (Popsicles! Improving Self Esteem One Plastic Wrapper at a Time!)

Dove’s Go Fresh and Energize Beauty Bar: I never used bar soap until I started dating Boyfriend. Boyfriend might be the most meticulous shower taker I’ve ever seen. He makes me feel dirty watching him get clean. (Haha! That’s what she said.) I’m not trying to have a dirty mind here. I’m trying to state a fact. Boyfriend usually gets home after me and the first thing he does is get in the shower. He showers and I sit on the toilet and we talk about our days or have geography quizzes with the help of our map of the world shower curtain. The boy lathers up so much that if he doesn’t stand under the water it looks like he is wearing a soft, yellow, onesie. He spends like five minutes on each toe. He washes his head with soap and then shampoo. (For y’all who don’t know Boyfriend he shaves his head, so he has very little hair.) He does all of this with Dove’s Go Fresh and Energize Beauty Bar. It’s made from lemongrass and grapefruit and I think fairy wings (although that’s not on the box). Pretty much it’s the Dove soap in the yellow box. He smells amazing when he gets out of the shower. Seriously, no cologne is better, and Axe Body spray or wash can suck it, because nothing smells better than clean Boyfriend and yellow soap. Mark me down as an addict.

Bloody Mary: Okay first of all I mean the drink and not Queen Mary who murdered a whole lot of English people for not being Catholic. Whoever decided to first mix tomato juice and vodka together is a genius and whoever then made it spicy and added celery might just be Jesus. In fact we all know the Bible has been translated and retranslated 100s of times, so maybe in the original version of The Book of John, Jesus’ last super was bread and Bloody Marys instead of bread and wine. But seriously, who doesn’t love the fact that they can get a serving of fruit out of the way by mixing it with alcohol. Plus you get all sorts of snacks in your glass to munch on like celery and olives. I am on a search for the best Blood Mary and the best Bloody Mary Bar in Austin.

Best Bloody Mary!
Reds Porch on South Lamar: VERY SPICY and they put spicy green beans in the glass to snack on.
South Congress Café on South Congress: They make their Blood Mary with jalapeño infused Titos vodka.
Boyfriends Bloody Mary: He throws in onion and bell pepper as well as an extra shot of the good stuff, Dripping Springs Vodka.

Best Bloody Mary Bar!
Cover 3 on Anderson Lane: Hands down, this place has no competition. It is a giant spread of mixes, veggies, spices, and hot sauces that covers three tables. Plus they give you a list of premium vodkas to choose from.

On a completely different note… I got a message today letting me know that my sister’s baby is officially the size of a lemon! I picture it as something like this…

Quicky...

I have a real post that should be up either this afternoon or tomorrow, but I couldn't not post this.

Knockoff Jewish Silly Bandz Come in a Dollar Sign



A company named Benny's Educational Toys is selling a line of Jewish-themed knockoff Silly Bandz called JewlyBandz. They come in all different kinds of shapes synonymous with modern Jewish culture, like a menorah, a dreidel, and a dollar sign. Educational, indeed.

I first learned about SillyBandz on the blog The Meanest Mom. (It's hilarious and reminds me daily why I don't want children.) After learning what they were I began to see them everywhere on elementary and middle school kids. Then Boyfriend and I went to our local High School football team's game two Friday's ago and the Booster Club was selling "Austin High" SillyBandz. You know you have a great, ridiculous product when band moms are selling them in maroon and white football shapes.

Then I saw the JewBandz and couldn't stop laughing. Maybe if I had, had these in all my Jewish classes I could have fit in...

Project Runway Episode 7: Brunch With Tim, Evil Ivy, and Gossip Girl...

Okay. Okay. I get it. I’m a horrible blogger for not posting this Friday, but I’ve had a lot on my plate this past weekend. First of all work has actually been kinda busy and I’ve had to deal with some… let’s just say “interesting” students. Also, I am trying to get this blog to work for me by getting me other writing gigs, so I’ve been spending time writing for other people and other sites. Lastly, football started and man it takes up a lot of my time. (Go Titans!)

And now, without further ado… Project Runway Episode 7!!!

We start this week’s episode with April moving into “Evil Girl” apartment, AKA the home of Ivy, Gretchen, and Valerie. When April walks through the door with all her bags and amazing high bun all the Mean Girls do that high pitch scream sound. “HHHEEeeeeyyyy…….” It starts all happy and trails off to end in a sneer. Bitches.

Next the designers meet with Heidi on the runway and she is wearing what looks like a cross between a boxer’s shorts, pajamas, and a Prussian Prince’s garb. It’s not a good look. Heidi, when you have legs like yours, you don’t cover them in a circus tent. But, she sends the designers to have brunch (my favorite meal) with Tim Gun, so they really can’t complain.

Surprise!!!

They get to see Michael Kors off the runway and he is even going to give them sunglasses. He also tells them that their challenge this week is to design resort wear that shows their point of view. Straight Michael thinks he has got this challenge “in the bag” because he is from Palm Springs. Mondo is worried because he has never been to a resort and his only idea of resort wear is the underwear and T-Shirt he lounges in at home in his living room.

They then get 30 minutes to sketch on the boat. Gay Michael brings up the great point that “Who wants to sketch when they are drinking mimosas on a boat with Tim Gun.” Casanova wisely says, “This challenge is very Michael Kors. This is not my challenge.” Yeah, Casanova, we all know you are more Donna Karen circa 1984. Andy wants to design a lux bathing suit “you can wear all day”. Because who doesn’t love wearing a bathing suit all day? But then he mentions that he’s from Hawaii and I feel like people from Hawaii might do the swimwear all day thing. They did in Blue Crush… April decides that her look will be inspired by resort wear going to the mental asylum with a dash of super sexy. Sounds awesome to me.

Mood!!!

Gay Michael states that he must be true to himself, once Tim Gun reminds him of this and moves him away from some ghastly bright magenta fabric.

Twist!!!

Oh, no! Tim brings out the horrible, evil, velvet bag and we get to hear from every designer about how much they hate the bag. Except they really haven’t had that many twists this season, right? So Tim tells the designers that this challenge they must wear two hats. They get split up into pairs.

Valerie and Andy
Straight Michael and Mondo
April and Christopher
Casanova and Gretchen
Ivy and Gay Michael

So, they have to design a look and then hand it over to their partner to execute that look. Gay Michael puts is best when he says that he is handing over what he does best to Ivy and Ivy is handing over her neurosis to him. Of course Mondo is freaking out because he is matched with “sucks at life and can’t sew” Straight Michael who earlier in the episode says, “I’ve developed a sewing technique that works for me.” Now, you all know how much I adore Mondo, but he is kinda mean when he gets onto Straight Michael for not having a ruler when he doesn’t even sketch and poor Straight Michael has to interpret written notes to figure out what he is suppose to make.

Workroom!!!

Wow! In what might be the “OMG” moment of the season Gretchen knows Casanova can’t speak English well, so she draws GAINT sketches of what she wants him to sew for her. This is like being in a tourist in foreign country and just speaking really loud and slow to the natives thinking then they will understand you. Dude, Gretchen, the man may have an accent, but, as Casanova points out, he can see just fine. Oh, and I hate every syllable that comes out of Ivy’s mouth.

Um, can we talk about how personal Mondo seems this episode? For the entire season he has been the quirky, quiet guy in the corner with great eyewear, but today he seems like the group’s new chatty Cathy. It’s like his Aspergers has disappeared. I hope it is him just coming out of his shell and not the producers making him out to be weird because they needed a “weird guy”. Then I fall even more in love with him when he apologies to Straight Michael for “being a dick”, his words, for all of an hour. Straight Michael says it’s all good and they man hug and become BFFs.

Tim Meeting!!! With Michael Kors, too!!!

Big surprise, even Casanova’s sketch looks old. Then, Kors calls Gretchen out for having an old looking sketch so maybe they are a good pair. Kors leads April to do another “brief”. Um, can we not give her the okay to do another diaper? Ivy then talks to both Tim Gun and Michael Kors like they are 12 and don’t know anything about sewing and fashion and I want to punt this chick out the door. Michael Kors tells Valerie that not only do her colors for this week’s challenge suck, but actually her colors all season long haven’t been right. This leads Valerie to call her mom, cry, and get a nice little pep talk. We all need a mom pep talk every now and then and I like her even more after hearing her talk to her mom. GET OUT OF THE MEAN GIRLS GROUP!!!

Runway Morning!!!

Everyone is actually getting along and super excited for the runway. Well, everyone except Ivy which makes me do the evil laugh on my couch. “Muhahahah.” Gay Michael says, “I can feel her crazy energy coming off her.” Gay Michael, I can feel her crazy energy coming through my TV set. Oh, and April is having “ass covering issues” which just makes me normal laugh. “Ahahahahah.”

Runway!!!

Heidi now looks like an Ice Dancer, complete with Dorothy Hamill haircut. And the guest judge is…. Kristen Bell??? Good Luck designers, XOXO. (Because who doesn’t love a little Gossip Girl joke.)

Straight Michael: I don’t hate it, and it looks well made so props to my boy Mondo, but… wait… maybe I do hate it. It’s the fabric and belt combo that looks really cheap to me. I feel like this is something you buy in those weird stores that pop up in malls that are kinda ghetto or going out of business. You know, they have names like “Sexy Girl” or “Fashion Plus”. Plus it looks like she has a maternity band in the back.

Mondo: (Bottom Three) The swimsuit looks like underwear from Target. And I hate the matching visor. Who would wear this? I love you Mondo, but this is not a good look for a woman. The judges call it “inexpensive” and “junior.”

Gay Michael: (Top Three) This doesn’t wow me. Again, sometimes black it hard to see on TV. The details just don’t pop they way they would with a different color fabric. Also I think it’s too short. It looks like he ran out of fabric. The judged love it. (Again, they may have a better view.) Kors loves it and thinks it would great for the tropics, which to me is a little confusing. Tropics to me means bright fun colors, not black kinda evening gown. Then again, I’m not a rich woman who buys resort wear, so what do I know? Nina says “This is a look that could be worn by many different women of different ages.” Yeah, okay I agree on that. Point Nina.

Ivy: (Bottom Three) This looks horrible because instead of letting Gay Michael stretch his sewing skills, she redesigned it to be the most boring outfit on the planet so it would look sewn well. Then she threw Gay Michael under the bus for not making an amazing outfit. The outfit, it looks like a costume extra from The Princess Bride, but a slutty Princess Bride with that one shoulder top. Heidi says “it has no personality” and Nina says she doesn’t think Ivy has good designs, but she is a good seamstress (I feel like this is the ultimate low blow and I love Nina for it.) Kristen Bell (Gossip Girl!!!) brings up a good point that Ivy should have played to Gay Michael’s strengths instead on just dumbing down her design. Unfortunately they let her slide through another week.

Christopher: I feel like every week I can’t remember a thing about Christopher from the last week and this is why. His designs are always just so boring. I feel like the colors are from Banana Republic circa 1997. He’s got to go soon.

April: (Winner) Would this make Peach blush or what? The detail at the neck is fab and I love that she really did stay true to herself and she really did make “Asylum, Sexy Resort Wear” The judges love that the shorts are real shorts and not underwear. They call it “tough, punk, baby doll”.

Casanova: (Loser) I call it Mother of the Bride, and I hate it. Michael Kors calls it, “70 year old woman wear”. Nina says it has no fantasy and it is not cool. Adios Casanova.

Gretchen: I like the design of this and I think it looks well made, but I hate the color choice. What woman goes on vacation and wants to wear brown with more brown? And it’s sad brown, too. Not happy, rich, mahogany brown, but sad Ikea discount brown.

Valerie: WTF Val??? Your model looks like a fat cow with saggy boobs and you’ve got V’s pointing towards her vagina!!!

Andy: (Top) Very pretty. I think the wrap is a little too “Princess Barbie”, but it defiantly looks dramatic floating down the runway. I could totally picture this on a rich woman in Canes so I guess it works for me. The judges all like that its wearable, sophisticated, and well made.

Next Week: To quote Tim Gun, “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe…” Yeah, it’s going to be good.

Why You Choose It, Why You Regret It...

I am having a very busy day at work and didn't get a chance to write some awkward weird story about myself at lunch, so this is going to have to suffice for the day. I saw this article on cracked.com and I would like to add my majors to it.

First check out the original.

AMERICAN STUDIES:

Why You Choose It: One, you don't know any better. Two, you get to take fun classes like Homosexuality in America, Music as History and Property, and Women's Studies: From Seneca Falls to Sex and the City.

Why You Regret It: Four years. You get four years of bragging to your business and engineering friends about your cool and easy as shit classes until you all graduate and you can't get a job and everyone else is making 60,000 a year. Then your life turns into blog posts and Popsicles for dinner.

HISTORY:

Why You Choose It: Braveheart is a great movie and you probably had a simi decent history teacher in high school. For an incoming freshmen these two things equal "I love history".

Why You Regret It: Little twerps like Miles, actually reading history books (no, this doesn't include The Other Boleyn Girl), and history professors that are more into looking the part with tortoise shell glasses and tweed jackets with elbow patches than helping you with your 15 paper review of "With Our Backs to Berlin". Oh, and then you can't get a job either and your engineering friends feel sorry for you behind your back.

Scream... Proof Movies You Thought Were Awesome in Middle School, Not So Much...

Labor Day weekend was amazing. I know a lot of people may say this, but my family is honest to God the greatest ever. We have so much fun together just hanging out, playing cards, eating food, and chatting. I feel like all weekend I was saying to myself, “Oh, that story so needs to be a blog post.” But, of course I didn’t have pen glued to my hand and therefore didn’t write down any of those wonderful ideas. (Getting out of the pool and finding a pen inside would have been way to much work.) So, family member that are reading this, if you remember any of those ideas let me know.

As awesome as the weekend was last night might have been just as great. Driving back into town from the parental unit’s house in San Antonio, I stopped at my local used movie/CD store, Cheepos. I have been hitting up Cheepos weekly for about a month looking for the holy grail of entertainment de Middle School weekend sleepovers, Wes Craven’s Scream.

My first horror movie memory was climbing into my parent’s king size bed with my mom and sister and watching the movie Alien. My dad was out of town and my mother decided it would be fun to have a movie night watching one of her favorite movies with her two daughters. She got us all comfortable will pillows and blankets, and we each had a dish of popcorn. What could be more fun? Oh, and did I mention that I was in kindergarten and my sister was in 4th grade. Yeah, my mother (who don’t get me wrong is amazing) thought it would be a good idea to watch a movie where aliens pop out of people’s stomachs with her 6 year old and 10 year old. We only made it through about 30 minutes and never even saw one alien, and my sister still had nightmares and physically got sick to her stomach.

I started liking horror movies and scary shows when I was in 4th grade. We had just moved back to the States from England and I loved all the cool American TV shows that were creepy and spooky. I watched everything from X Files to Are You Afraid of the Dark on Nickelodeon. But, it wasn’t until 8th grade, when I saw the movie Scream, that I started my love affair with scary movies.

I watched Scream for the first time with my neighborhood friend, Mandy. I say I watched it for the first time, but I really I watched it for the first, second, third, and eighty-fourth time with Mandy. She and I would have sleepovers at each other’s houses every weekend and watch Scream at least twice. As soon as the sun came up over Stu’s blood soaked house and credits started to roll we would get up, rewind the VHS, and play it again. We could quote the whole movie. We did quote the whole movie… all the time. Mandy’s older brother thought we were stupid for liking such a dumb movie, and who knows what our parents thought, but we didn’t care. If it was Friday night we were either on my couch or her movie chairs watching Neve Campbell survive her thoroughly F-ed up boyfriend and his long tongued side kick.

So, I’ve been talking about wanting to watch Scream for over a month, and I finally found it on DVD yesterday. I was like a kid waiting for her parents to get up on Christmas morning. I got home with my prize DVD at 3PM and had to wait hours for it to get dark. (You can’t watch scary movies during the day.) Boyfriend wasn’t quiet as excited as me.

Boyfriend: “Scream?”

Me: “Yes, Scream!”

Boyfriend: “Scream?”

Me: “SCREAM!”

It finally got dark. I turned off all the lights, got me an orange Popsicle, and curled up on the couch with Boyfriend.

Boyfriend: “Hey, that annoying girl who looks like Davis Girl is in this movie.”

Me: “Drew Barrymore, and she doesn’t look anything like Davis Girl.”

(Boyfriend thinks any blonde in any movie or TV show looks like Davis Girl.)

Boyfriend: “Are a lot of people going to die? Who is in the car? Why is she stopping? Is the house going to burn down? I can’t believe she is still holding that phone.”

Me: “Yes, it’s a horror movie. People die. Her parents are in the car coming home. She stopped because she saw her boyfriend tied to a chair with his guts hanging out. I don’t know why she is holding the phone. Now, please hush and watch the movie.”

Boyfriend: “There is too much blood and death.”

Me: “It’s a horror movie and this is only the opening scene.”

The thing is, Scream does kinda suck. I mean I enjoyed watching it because it brought back memories, but I wasn’t scared like I used to be and I didn’t think it was as funny as it used to be. I know that we all grow out of things as we grow up, but this really hit me hard. I used to think Rose McGowan’s Tatum and Matthew Lillard’s Stu were absolutely hilarious. Yeah, not so much anymore. Rose just looks weird trying to be the sweet down to earth girl who wears cloud pajamas and sleeps with a teddy bear. I mean this is the women who went on to star in Jawbreaker and marry Marilyn Manson for crying out loud. And Stu! Stu really pissed me off last night. I remember cracking up to his lines. I remember one night we wrote them all down so we would remember them and have funny inside jokes the next day at school. (For some reason we thought we would be the only ones who had seen Scream.) Turns out his lines suck and all he did, all movie long was make faces and stick his tongue out really far.

When Tatum says, “Stupidity leak!” and hits Stu on the forehead with her lollypop I just thought how gross that is, not “wow high school kids are cool and funny in their relationships.” I mean I know Matthew Lillard didn’t have the greasy bangs Skeet Ulrich sported, but still… ick.

Also Stu’s light one liners like “Peer pressure. I’m far too sensitive.” and “Liver alone.” and “My mom and dad are going to be so mad at me.” ARE NOT FUNNY!

I’m sad. It’s a sad day when happy moments from your childhood die. I mean I watched The Last Unicorn in college and loved it just as much as when I watch it as a kid. I still love The Sandlot and Big Business, but it might be time to retire Scream. RIP.

Project Runway Episode 6: Hideous Bridesmaid's Dresses, Awkward Tim Talk, and Obscure Movie References...

Remember 5 episodes ago when I was so excited about Project Runway being an hour a half long… Yeah not so much anymore. Last night’s episode dragged on for what seemed like days. It wasn’t just me who thought this either, I’m pretty sure Boyfriend read War and Peace, baked a soufflé, and ran a marathon while waiting for PR to be done. He did all of that and was still able to come sit with me on the couch and give critiques during the runway show.

So, here we go. Episode 6!

Tonight’s episode opens with everyone talking crap about Straight Michael. In case you forgot he completely sucks at life and should just go and become a doctor or something because he is a horrible designer. Even the nice team from last week is talking about that hideous shirt dress he made. Never mind that their collection looked straight out of Kmart’s sale bin.

Two of the people doing the gossiping are Peach and April. Can someone please give me some insight on their odd relationship? Is it a mother/daughter thing? Maybe it’s a cool aunt/niece situation. I can’t quite figure it out. Then I started thinking maybe it’s a Harold and Maude friendship, but wasn’t Harold in love with Maude in that movie? Honestly I’ve never seen it, but this chick in my art class in college was really into it and talked about the movie all the time.

Gretchen is mad because Tim called her out for being a giant witch at the end of last week’s episode. She thinks he was being unfair and mean, blah, blah, blah. The worst thing other than making Tim so upset he lashes out at you after the runway show, is then complaining about how unfair he is being. Tim is like Jesus, if he chastises you it’s out of love and you confess, say you’re sorry, and move on. Gretchen just whines.

Challenge!!!

Heidi brings out a group of real women in what I thought were ugly prom dresses, but they turned out to be ugly bridesmaid dresses. Okay none of these dresses were beautiful, but some of them, for being bridesmaid dresses, weren’t all that bad. Don’t get me wrong, there were defiantly some ickys in the mix, and one girl’s bridesmaid dress was Best Friend’s prom dress. Literally the exact same dress from the black and white polyester to the sparkles, which Boyfriend thought were fireworks, on the hip. The challenge to the designers is to make a look out of their client's dresses that the model would want to wear again. It doesn’t have to be another dress to wear to a wedding; they can make whatever the client wants. Casanova gets to pick his model first because he won last week and of course picks the skinniest, most model looking “real women” on the runway. Oh, and Straight Michael gets the girl in Best Friend’s prom dress.

30 Minutes to Sketch and Talk to Their Clients!!!

April gets the picky client. At least she gets the client the producers what you to think is picky. Personal, I think she just sounds like she knows what looks good on her body and she doesn’t like a bunch of crappy all over her. April is immediately worried because her design esthetic is “crap all over”. Note to producers, if you want a diva client to throw at our designers, just bring back that high school chick Christian had to make a prom dress for a few seasons ago. Now she was drama and a dive all rolled into one. Straight Michael’s client, the one with Best Friend’s dress, is absolutely gorgeous, and Peach gives her model runway tips. Maybe she is the cool aunt after all.

Mood Trip!!!

Um, yeah it was pretty boring. I think Straight Michael bought a T-Shirt though, because later one he is wearing a shirt that says Mood under his blazer. Very hip.

Work Room!!!

Gay Michael is trying very hard not to bitch about his model’s size (oh, no she might be a 12!), but you know he totally wants to. Casanova seems to be the only one who likes Straight Michael and even calls him talented. Mean while 20 feet away in the sewing room Valerie is gossiping about how much she wishes he will go home on this challenge.

Let’s talk about Gretchen. You guys know how much she annoyed me last week. I could hardly watch the show once, and when I tried a second time… I couldn’t get through it. Then you saw my recap. I know it was lame. The thing is, I think she was probably just as obnoxious this episode as she was last episode, but the produces felt sorry for us, the viewers, last week so they didn’t give her as much airtime. We do get to see her wear an Amish hat and talk to her mother. She says realizes life is more than fashion. Then Tim comes in and has a completely awkward talk with Gretchen about the tie die shirt she is making. (Okay Ombre shirt, but it sure looks like the tie die sold on the corner of Lamar and Barton Springs.) It made me laugh, but also it was kind of like when I see middle school kids and just want to hide. Again, very awkward.

Straight Michael’s model wants a lace top over her dress circa 1995 and the dress my sister wore to her 8th grade dance. Um, I love Mondo and his dress, duh. I also love that it’s okay if Peach calls her model “hippy” (as in with large hips and not the social movement of the 1960’s) because she is mother like. So, runway tips = crazy aunt. Comments about your body and body image = mother. And, wait for the drum roll… Tim likes something Casanova is making! On the other hand, Valerie is making a Cheerios outfit (yes, I can make a Glee reference anywhere) and Tim hates it.

Surprise!!!

Hey, remember designers we have to fill an hour and a half of air time so we are going to make you have your models stand on pedestals why normal people view your designs and vote on their favorites, because we can’t do another show where we file all the extra time with Gretchen being a bitch because the recappers out there will stab themselves in the eyes. The designer showcase is stupid. There I said it. Stupid.

Oh, Gay Michael has a Padma like Indian necklace, so that’s nice.

Let’s talk about Valerie. I want to like Valerie a lot. I like her designs. (Maybe not so much the Cheerleading/Tennis outfit she is making this episode, but everyone has a bad day.) So I want to like her, but she is friends with Hitler and Stalin (aka Gretchen and Ivy). Then it hit me. Valerie is so Lisa Luder from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! Okay so Lisa Luder is the mean blonde girl who is part of the clique who torture Romy and Michelle in High School and then make fun of them for lying about inventing Post Its at the reunion. But! But, at the very end of the movie she has a change in heart and stands up to her mean blonde friends and defends Romy and Michelle’s sparkly outfits as being designed well, made well, and very creative. I hope Valerie has a Lisa Luder moment and stands up to Ivy and Gretchen.

Then, and I swear this is the very next thing written in my notes, Peach says she could sell ice to Iceland because she knows she is going to have to defend her ugly dress to the judges. Ice to Iceland… No Peach. Anyone who has seen The Mighty Ducks 2 know that Iceland is very green and Greenland is full of ice. At least that’s what the hot chick coach from Iceland tells Emilio Estevez when they go for their ice cream date.

(Okay no more obscure movie references. I promise.)

Then they do the Designer Showcase thing, and it’s boring. Oh, and Ivy starts bitching about Straight Michael and honestly I’m so bored. She says something about he is trying to push her buttons or something, but, hello, you’ve spent the last four episodes complaining about how he can’t sew, can’t design, and thoroughly sucks at life, so shut the F up and let the poor man vent.

Oh, Andy cut his hair into an awesome Mohawk.

Runway Show!!!

Cynthia Rowley is the guest judge because she just designed a bridesmaid line among other things, and Heidi looks like a hooker.

Mondo: (Top Three and People’s Choice Winner) I like this dress. I think it’s made well and I loved that he was smart enough to turn the pick fabric around so it wasn’t so blaringly Pepto-Bismol Pink. All the judges like it, but no one really has anything great to say. I think the back is better than the front, but whatever. The only thing I really don’t like is the model’s crazy junior prom hair. It’s bad.

Ivy: She made the same stupid matronly pants she made in the first episode that the judges hated. The top is weird. I’m pretty sure she only used the fabric from the dress to make the pants, which means she made that shirt because she wanted to. She went to Mood with the idea of making a blanket top. Boyfriend says the whole thing looks like it should be in a window at Chicos.

Valerie: (Bottom Three) All the top needs is Wildcats sewn onto it and she could be an extra in Bring It On 7: Go Fight Sew Ungly Dresses. Plus I feel like in a challenge where you are suppose to be reinventing a bridesmaid dress you should have ugly bows attached to the hip. The judges bring up that it is “color blocking gone all wrong.” Who does she thing she is, Mila from last season? Michael says it looks like a maternity bra, and Nina wonders what restaurant she could wear this out with her husband to. Duh, Nina, Red Lobster…

Gretchen: This might be the most unflattering outfit ever. I don’t want to say mean things about these women. They are not models and they came on this show to have some fun, but Gretchen’s model has some serious shoulders. So, why would her design be a racer back tank top. This makes no since at all. The top is very Free People and the skirt is slutty Talbots. Also why the same Robin Hood boots? They don’t go with every design you send down the runway, Hitler!

Peach: (Bottom Three, Going Home) Bad. Bad. Bad. Her model looks like she has no neck and green wings on her hips. There is just too much “bad” going on. Michael won’t shut up about her hair being amazing, but hates the “avocado dinner napkins” that are glued to her hips. Then Heidi calls them a “bed skirt ruffle-fest” causing Boyfriend to crack up and ask me if I had tickets this year. She got sent home and now April will have to find a new mom/aunt/lover person.

Andy: Andy made weird black shorts with an athletic looking shirt. Also, do you think there is a wallet at the end of those chains, stuffed into her back pocket?

Straight Michael: (Top Three, Winner) Now, I love that the judges love Straight Michael. It’s like the more the love him the more likely Gretchen and Ivy’s heads will explode. But, I do not agree with the judges on this one. I think it’s short whorish, not short awesome-ness (which the judges think). I hate the weird fake pocket on the side. When it was first coming down the runway I was all, “Boyfriend, what do you think goes in that pocket/sling thing? A baby? Candy? Maybe a Laptop?” It turns out the only thingthat goes there is half the model’s hand, very awkwardly.

Christopher: (Top Three) I feel like the fabric has just slipped off her right boob and she needs to pull it up over her nude bra. Also, it doesn’t seem like he changed the bottom of the dress all that much. The judges like it, they put him in the top three, but aren’t all that excited about it. They all seem to like the top, but don’t know what to think about the bottom.

Gay Michael: (Bottom Three) I love this. I think it is flattering and a huge improvement from the original dress. I’m not sure about the little shrug, but maybe she wanted the option to cover her arms. I think it’s flirty and the model looks amazing. Um, and then the judges totally hate it! They think the fabric looks cheap and that she looked better in the original dress. Now, I’m watching the show on my tiny 28 inch TV and I’m sure the judges have a better view of the fabric, so I’ll give them that. Maybe in real life the fabric does look cheap. But, how in the heck can they think the original dress was better on her?!?!? It was shinny hot pink satin. I’m sorry judges, but satin shows every bump and bulge and there is no way I would look good in that dress or any other women for that matter. Whoever the bride was that picked it for her wedding must have really hated her friends.

Casanova: It’s cute. A little shinny but cute. Then he calls the pants a motorcycle pant, and I just don’t see it. Oh and those shoes are gross.

April: First of all, the client looks amazing! She looks like a model out on the runway strutting her stuff. I’m a little curious to learn how much of the original fabric she used because as far as I can tell the original dress is just that pleated stuff hanging out the front, but maybe that just shows how good the dress is that I can’t tell what is old and what is new. Oh, and I like the zipper in the back.

So you can imagine how pissed all the designers are when they hear that Straight Michael is not only in the top three, but also the winner. Gretchen wonders, “What fucking show am I on?” Straight Michael might have finally grown some balls because when he comes back into the waiting room after winning he is all, “Yeah, they loved everything” and just leaned back in his chair smiling while everyone gave him “eat shit and die” looks. If Gretchen and Ivy rolled their eyes anymore they would have latched onto their spinal cords.

Next Week: Another group challenge!!!

Awkward Questions of My Childhood and a Creepy Street Performer...

Remember back in the day when we used A/S/L to say hello on the internet. (I had a whole paragraph about the phenomena of AOL chat rooms, but you were there, so you remember. Unless this is my parents reading this and then I hope to God you weren’t there and you have no idea what I’m writing about) I’ll more on…

Fun fact! When Alexander Graham Bell wanted the standard greeting for the telephone to be Ahoy, but then Edison changed it to Hello. Boring Edison!

2Birds1Blog wrote the other day that once we went to college the standard greeting became Name/Hometown/Major. This was so true. Every class, every party, every social outing started with the exact same introductions. Every now and then you would professor who thought it would be cute to have you tell everyone your brand of Shampoo or something interesting about you, but all those questions were just fluff. Everyone judged and was judged by how they answered Name/Hometown/Major. Carlos/El Paso/Latin American Studies… yeah could you be anymore stereotypical? (Haha Latin American Studies, there was a major even more pathetic than mine.)

This brings up a very awkward situation for me. For my entire life, ever since I can remember, I’ve had a very hard time answering the question, “Where are you from?” I was a military brat and not really from anywhere, but if you say you’re not from anywhere people give you this look like, “Ah, were you an orphan with no family and no love in your childhood…?” What? No. I have two wonderful parents, who are still married, and even if I was an orphan don’t they live in orphanages in like cities, so wouldn’t they be from that city? My parents are both from Texas. My dad was born and raised in Dallas and the surrounding suburbs. My mom moved around a lot growing up, but she always claimed Texas as home, so I considered her a Texan as well.

For as long as I can remember I told everyone that I was from Texas. Had I ever actually lived there, no. I told my friends and random people on the street, but I always thought I was sort of lying because really I lived in England or Rhode Island. I can remember being in Edinburgh, Scotland for Thanksgiving one of the years we lived in England the second time. I was in 2nd or 3rd grade and we stopped to watch a street performer. He pulled me out of the crowd to be a part of his performance. I already felt awkward because I didn’t like strangers growing up and what did I know? This guy could have been a freak or a child molester, but because he was on the street doing magic or something my parents just let him take me by the hand and lead me away.

Creepy Street Performer: “What is your name little girl?”

Me: (trying not to look him in the eye) “Lemon Lady.”

Creepy Street Performer: “Wow, Lemon Lady what a beautiful name!”

Me: “Thank you. Pleasedontstabme.”

Creepy Street Performer: “What was that kiddo? I didn’t hear.”

Me: “Nothing…”

Creepy Street Performer: “Well Lemon Lady, where are you from”

Now I don’t know if this is a standard question of creepy street performers or if he just asked me because I clearly didn’t have a Scottish or British or Irish or Welsh accent, but I remember first being weirded out by his nosiness. Who was this guy and why did he need to know where I lived? More importantly now he and all the people who had gathered around were staring at me because I was taking a long time to answer what should have been a simple question. Where was I from? That morning I had woken up in a hotel with an awesome indoor swimming pool. I could be from that hotel, but I couldn’t remember the name. My house with all my things and my dog was in England, but I don’t claim to be British (even though I was born there). My parents were from Texas, but that was just a place where we went on vacation every now and then. Which one do I pick? What do I say? The hotel has an indoor pool, but my house in England has my Barbie collection. But if I tell this guy where I live in England he might come and break in and murder my whole family, and Texas is where Grandma and Grandpa got me those way cool red cowboy boots…

Me: “I’m from Texas.”

Yeah, I went with the cool boots and hopefully a far away enough place where Creepy here could never find me.

Creepy Street Performer: “Wow Lemon Lady!!! You came all the way from Texas to see my act? That’s amazing!”

Me: “Um, yeah?”