Coming Soon, Where My Baby Daddy Is Off To, and Khloe Kardashian...

It’s time for another super awkward, super embarrassing blog post… but not quite yet. I’m going to string ya’ll along just a little bit longer because I have amazing photographic evidence of this happening and I don’t have it with me right now. I promise though, that when you see it, it will be worth your wait.

On another note, Top Chef ALL STAR recaps are back and should be posted sometime this evening here. Sorry I didn’t write one for the last episode but it was Christmas and I got sick and I mean Spike was kicked off so nothing crazy happened or anything.

Have you heard that my future Baby Daddy Vince Young was fired from the Tennessee Titans? People are speculating that he could go to one of five teams: Arizona Cardinal (AKA the most boring team ever), Washington Redskins (AKA the grossest team ever… seriously I judge people when they tell me they are a Redskins fan. This is probably the one team I couldn’t root for even if they got Vince.), Miami Dolphins (AKA the team I would be happy for if they picked up VY), San Francisco 49ers (AKA the team I should hate, but don’t and also the team that should be better than they are and maybe Vince could help them be awesome.) Seattle Seahawks (AKA the team that is NEVER on TV and thus I would never get to see my Baby Daddy unless I go the bar and spend mucho dinero.) Pretty much I’m sad this list leaves out the Vikings which means I’ll never get to see Young and Peterson together as they should have been since college.

Again, completely random thought… what was up with the fashion at the People’s Choice Awards last night? Now, usually I would just ignore this silly award show as the top winner for the night was Twilight, but since it’s the first of the award season and I’m desperate for some fashion since January fashion mags leave much to be desired, I couldn’t help looking through Yahoo’s slideshow of photos. Then, I did and I wish I hadn’t. This is the only one that stuck out to me… Am I a fan of the Kardashians… not really. I’ll be honest I always thought Kim and Reggie Bush would have made adorable babies and I once saw their True Hollywood Story on E! and I think it’s really sweet that on the anniversary of their father’s death instead of visiting his grave they all go out and eat Lebanese food. What I like about this photo is Khloe, who usually looks like a tall giant who might at any moment try to eat her siblings, looks really pretty. Yeah, sure she’s pushing the Angelina Jolie look a little too far wearing a dress that looks like the long lost love child or these two dresses, but hey when you can out shine four giant boobs in sparkly dresses you’ve have a pretty good night.

Project Runway Finale Part 1: Sob Stories and the Truth About Michael's Sexuality...

Here we are! The beginning of the end. Four designers left. Four designers to battle it out for one of three spots in the Finale. Four designers to bore me to death for an hour and a half with their sob stories.

Heidi lets the designers know that they will have 6 weeks and 9000 dollars to complete a 10 look collection. Make it work… Work hard… Wow us… blah blah blah, nobody watches this show for you Heidi. Give us Tim and awkward family dinners please.

Tim Visit’s The Designer’s Homes!!!

Waiane, HI – Andy

Tim meets Andy in paradise. Like real paradise. No five star hotel or high rise in Honolulu, Andy is out on his mom’s farm and it couldn’t be more beautiful. His mother, who we met briefly when the moms came to visit the designers a few weeks back, is adorable and seems to be very proud of her son. So Andy is from paradise and his mother loves him, but where is the hardship? He better find a “down on my luck, I need this more because” story quick. Quick, cue the crazed fish! Yeah, you see Andy had to do chores growing up, like feeding the fish (um, because that’s hard labor) so he is rising above… or something inspirational like that. You know because fish feeders rarely amount to anything.

Two weeks before fashion week and he doesn’t have anything to show Tim because he’s been waiting for his hand made fabric from Laos to be delivered. He is inspired by Laos, a Buddhist park there, and his grandfather who was an elephant herder.

Palm Springs, CA – Michael

Michael is all goofy smiles when Tim shows up and can’t wait to show off his collection which is inspired by the sky and feathers.

Time Out… I am already really worried for Michael. This is freaking Project Runway Season 9! You cannot send a collection down the Fashion Week runway that is inspired by the sky and feathers! You remember Jeffery? His final collection was based off on Japanese Nightmares. Jay’s Fashion Week collection, even way back when in season 1, was about urban kids hiding behind all different kinds of music. This is go big or go home time, Michael! Feathers and um looking up, isn’t going to cut it. I fear for him on the runway. Time In…

Michael shows Tim some of his line and the feather tutu dress is pretty, but I feel like I’ve seen it before. Oh, and of course he has made like 5000 dresses for a 10 piece look, this Michael we are talking about. Tim reminds him to edit and tells him to stop making dresses.

Then there is a very awkward scene where Michael tells Tim his son is really looking forward to seeing him again (he came to New York to visit during the mom visits), except when Tim enters the room and says hello to the kid the kid looks like he just wants to run and hide under his bed. Michael introduces Tim to his friends and not his family since they don’t really support him. And his buddy once OUTTED MICHAEL TO HIS FAMILY!!! OMG!!! STRAIGHT MICHAEL ISN’T STRAIGHT!!! Straight Michael is really “slightly less flamboyant but still likes it up the ass” Michael.

Denver, CO – Mondo

Mondo’s house and work space is like Punk Barbie’s dream house on crack. It’s awesome. He was inspired by Mexican tile work and Mexico City, but like a dark “Dia De Los Muertos” Mexico City. He calls is “polished” Mondo.

Tim then has another very awkward dinner. This one includes Mondo’s parents and his sister. Sister starts to cry and I can’t decide if it’s because she is proud of her brother or if it’s because the awkwardness of the table is too much for her to take and she just wants a way out. Mondo’s mom explains to Tim, the other gay man at the table, that she tried to make him normal. She and her husband tried to make him a “macho man”. Mondo then explains that in order to play the piano growing up, his parents made him play baseball. Somehow I understand just a little bit better that Mondo never told his parents he was HIV positive.

Portland, OR – Gretchen

Gretchen went back to Portland after the last challenge and was dumped by her boyfriend and had no money in her bank account. This is sad.

……(This is me trying to be sad for Gretchen)

There are then a few weird scenes of Gretchen and her mom packing up boxes and it’s hard to tell if they are her collection boxes, if she’s being evicted, or if she’s moving out of her and her ex-boyfriend’s place. She is embarrassed for Tim to see this. Tim gives her a little talk about how once he had his heart broken and it led to him moving to New York, and he really might be the most amazing man. I mean, Gretchen told him about her heart ache and he brought the story around to him and it didn’t seem like he was taking her spotlight or stealing her thunder. If this had been the Tyra Banks show it would have been a whole lot different.

Gretchen’s line is inspired by nature and tribes from around the world. She wants the pieces to be very wearable. She has also designed jewelry to go along with her looks and I wonder if this is a new requirement, because it seems like almost all of them did this.

Back To New York!!!

All the designers are put up in the swanky Hilton and then given free vacations from Hilton in a 10 minutes scene that should have been cut. Seriously, in the words of Co-Worker #1, “I’m dying here”. Boring…

But then Tim comes in and lets the designers know that they will be showing the judges three looks to decide who makes it to Fashion Week, two of the looks they spend 6 weeks on and one new look they must make in two days.

Andy decides to bring some glamour into his collection with a “wow” piece. He buys a whole lot of green fabric and starts to make some interesting pleats. Mondo makes a knit dress and then, after the entire first day, scraps it because he thinks it looks to “junior” and I completely agree. Good eye Mondo my love. Gretchen wants to make a day look and designs an adorable little dress, although in a pretty boring army green color. Michael is making a pretty dress, but can’t for the life of him pick out the other pieces he wants to send down the runway with it. Tim then tells him not to choke and the other designers to keep up the good work.

Runway!!!

Heidi’s hair is looking a heck of a lot better now that it’s a little grown out, and there is no guest judge.

Andy: First of all, I don’t understand the headgear. If he was inspired by Laos and elephant herders, why are his models wearing space alien headbands that are two feet tall? My favorite is actually the romper. (Words I never thought would leave my mouth.) I like the green dress. The color is amazing. The pleats are perfect, but I think it needs to be three inches longer. I can’t remember if Gretchen or Mondo made the comment that Andy’s line is beautiful, but lacks texture and dimension and I completely agree. The pleats and ruffles are gorgeous, but kinda fall flat. Oh, and that swimsuit top looks like a Lyrical Dance outfit. Heidi loves the colors and Kors loves the pleating. Nina worries that there might not be a range to his looks, and he counters her point by letting them know he purposely didn’t show them his “wow” pieces because he wants to save them for the final runway. Um, okay. They, and I, both feel like this is a huge mistake, but they let him slide. Andy is showing at Fashion Week.

Gretchen: I love the little dress she made in the two days. The back is especially cool. I also like some of her jewelry, but think she went a little over board with accessories. There are bags and necklaces and ear rings and hats… oh my. And yeah, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I love the hat/leatherjacket/diaper look. Yeah, that’s right. I would rock that hat and jacket, maybe not the diaper but it makes for an interesting look coming down the runway. Heidi says she isn’t in love with the looks, but her interest has been “peaked”. Nina, on the other hand, is not “peaked”. She rips Gretchen a new one for being boring, granola, and crunchy. She says Gretchen has no drama and doesn’t understand that that a fashion show is just that, a show. The looks need more “oomph”. Kors doesn’t think it looks expensive and they all tell her she need to do better on her styling for the big show. So, yeah, Gretchen is on for Fashion Week.

Mondo: A few things bother me about these looks. One is the shoes, they are UGLY. The second is a blue shirt. I feel like blue is a good color choice, just not this blue. It makes the look look cheap, especially with the pink around the cuffs. Other than that, I kinda love everything. I love the black and white long dress. I think it’s unique and fits amazing. I love that it is sexy as hell, but long sleeves. The judges agree with me about the blue shirt and are torn on the long dress. Kors really likes that the pieces seem to mix and match very easily. Nina, who is kinda bitchy to everyone, then starts ranting about how Mondo needs to not be to “circus like”. Okay, so Gretchen is too boring and Mondo is too over the top? WFT Nina? What about McQueen and Vivian Westwood and hell even Chanel? Their runways are all crazy over the top. Anyway, Mondo is through to Fashion Week like we all knew he would be.

Michael: That leaves Michael. Poor, totally not straight, Michael. His new dress is beautiful and the color couldn’t be any better for the model's skin tone. It looks expensive and polished and effortless. Again, I like the feather dress, but I’ve seen it before. I really like the sequin pants, but again I have seen them before. Marc Jacobs anyone???
Kors praises the new dress for being perfect at every angle. Heidi likes the pants and fringe top. The problem the judges really have with Michael’s line is the color and over working. I knew he would be called out for a weak inspiration, and yes just like Kors says color does not make a collection. You can’t just send a bunch of pink and copper dresses down the runway and expect everyone to think it’s a sky collection. They think his dresses are a little over worked, and he says he wanted to show them the best. I wish he would have remembered that every challenge he won this season it was because his dresses were effortless and simply beautiful. Michael is sent home.

Okay, let’s talk about what happened after the runway show. There is clearly something wrong with Michael. I feel like there is no way a normal person reacts this way. It is painful to watch. He regresses into a childish state crying into the corner. I hope his parents really aren’t the horrible people he makes us believe they might be. I hope he grows from this experience and becomes successful.

Next Time on Project Runway… Everyone from this season meets back up and FASHION WEEK!!!

Project Runway Episode 13: Church Camp Feelings, Stress, and Asian Hookers...

Everybody we are down to the final five and this is the last episode until we get to ride along with Tim and see the designers in their natural element called “home”. (Oh God, I’m already shuttering thinking about Gretchen’s Mom.) But first they meet Heidi on the runway and she lets them know that they get to relax for the evening. Although they seem happy to hear this news and even happier when they see the nice hotel suite they get to stay in, you know in the back of their mind’s they are eyeing the pillow cases, curtains, and place mats in case they are surprised with a “relaxing, awesome hotel suite challenge”.

But, there is no challenge and the designers get to sit around, drink Champaign and talk about how lucky they are and how awesome they are and how awesome everyone is. Boring. This is the scene that would have been cut if Project Runway wasn’t like five hours long this season. The only major thing that happens is April starts to cry because she is only 21 and can’t believe she has made it this far and is so excited to get a chance and fashion week and blah, blah, blah… But the tears are pretty damn amazing. I thought she only had two looks: frown and scowl, but apparently “sad emo girl” is in her back pocket just for times like this. Pretty much it’s like Church Camp on the next to last day when you’re so exhausted and then they have the big bonfire and everyone starts crying because like everyone is so happy and loves Jesus so much. Yeah, the night before the last challenge on Project Runway is so like the last night at Church Camp.

Challenge!!!

Tim meets the designers on what looks like the roof of some building, but a nice roof with grass. (It’s weird.) Oh, and Mayor Bloomberg is with him to announce that their inspiration for the final challenge with be NEW YORK! The designers can go anywhere they like and get inspired by any New York landscape, and they get 500$! (Oh and Gretchen is wearing those damn boots again.)

Big Surprise, Michael goes to the Statue of Liberty and is inspired by the draping of her dress. So, I don’t think Michael is a bad designer, but I feel like his looks are all on the boring side and things I’ve seen before. AND HE ONLY EVER MAKES DRESSES!!! I have a feeling he is going to be called out for being a “one note” like Rami a few seasons ago who could only make drapey-drapey dresses and then on the last challenge was inspired by a Roman Statue and made, you guessed it, a drapey gown.

April and Mondo both go to the Brooklyn Bridge, but Mondo is much more stylish with his rainbow umbrella that looks a lot like mine from DC. (I’m just saying.)

Andy heads to Central Park and after staring at the trees for a while he decides, “I just want to do a dress.” At this point I’m so bored I actually want to go into my bedroom and watch The Grand with Boyfriend for the 5000th time.

Gretchen wanders around the Lower East Side (that’s the LES to all you New Yorkers or Gossip Girl fans) and says she is uninspired by this challenge. That’s right y’all, only Gretchen could be under whelmed by the whole of New York City.

Mood!!!

Andy pulls a whole lot of black which kinda bored me because he always uses black, but then the viewers get a better look and they are cool patterns and textures. Gretchen says she wants to make a leather jacket and lets all thank God she doesn’t want to make a leather robe. Tim is already warning Michael not to be literal and make the Statue of Liberty a new dress, but use it as inspiration instead. Tim also tried to get April to use a color that isn’t black. Just as April is wondering back down the Funeral Isle, Mondo comes dashing down the stairs with bright magenta fringe and all is good in the world again.

Workroom!!!

Because there are only five designers left and they just had their Church Camp/We all deserve Fashion Week Cry-athon the night before, everyone is pretty nice in the workroom and only talk bad about the other designers to the cameras individually. Gretchen says Michael reminds her of the designer she was five years ago because he can only make dresses and replications of things he likes. I feel like she has a point here. Michael of course makes two dresses. One looks like a black burka with no head covering and the other looks like it might be for Birthday Cake Barbie, but for her 40th birthday because it’s black. Oh and Mondo is using bright yellow sequins on his black and white tweed dress.

Being the last challenge the designers are freaking out just a bit and dancing around the room with fabric. Michael’s Michael Kors impression is spot on and kinda hilarious. Then Gretchen brings up the fact that Andy’s dress is “just this side of slut” which makes me spit water out my nose just a little. Andy follows up with, “I’ve translated Central Park in to Mi Ling the head waitress at the Sea House who does happy endings.” Well, if the shoe fits…

Day 2 in the Workroom!!!

Gretchen is wearing amazing Comme des Garcons shoes. Mondo decides to ditch the sequins and Tim is fully in favor of the ditching. (Me not so much, I wanted to see them sparkle in the runway lights.) Tim talked to April about her strength in editing and warns Andy not to be slutty or “Real Housewife of New Jersey like”. Gretchen is struggling and feels like she really needs this critique. Tim, always the professional, reminds her to think of her customer and then they hug and make up and become BFFs for life. Well, at least that’s what Gretchen feels. Deep down I know Tim Gunn is still made at her for bullying other designers and pissing him off so much he lost his cool. Yeah we haven’t forgotten…

Tim then brings in the Head Hair Honcho from Garnier to help them with their complete looks. Then follows what might be the funniest thing all season. Okay, so I get it. I get that this show is all about product placement and Ads. There is the Piperlime Accessories Wall, they made clothes for Heidi’s New Balance line… I get it. So Michael takes his model to meet with the Hair Guru and tells him he wants high fashion. He wants couture hair. Which in my mind makes me think of something like this… So what does the Hair Genie do? He pulls out his Garnier Hair Spray and sprays her long hair with 1.5 seconds of hair spray and then Michael goes bananas and is all, “Oh, I love it already!” Damn these Garnier products are amazing!!!

Runway Day!!!

Heidi looks like a sexy J Crew Secretary and our guest judge is Christian Siriano, winner of season 4.

Michael: Don’t get me wrong, I think his dress is very nice. It’s nice, but boring. I know Heidi will be all over that high slit and the back is totally sexy, but I feel like I could make this dress in about 4 hours which means an actual designer should be able to bust this baby out in like 40 minutes. I don’t see the innovation or really the design. The judges absolutely love it. Kors says, “You wanted a show stopper and you got a show stopper.” They say it’s, “effortless Hollywood” and Heidi wants to change into it right there on the runway. So in what might be the upset from the season, Michael is on to Fashion Week. (Oh, and can we all just smile to ourselves because the model has a back fat roll. Yeah, it's tiny, but it's there.)

Gretchen: When her look is walking down the runway she says, “It doesn’t look very high fashion” and I completely agree. It looks a little Kohls to me. I wish the jacket closed more and skirt was shorter. I feel like she should have done more. They had 500 dollars and two days, this looks should be detailed and beautifully crafted and it just isn’t. Remember the Jackie O challenge when she beaded that dress. That was beautiful, this… not so much. Oh and how is this LES? The judges agree. They say she has lost her steam and everyone wonders where her impeccable styling skills went. Christian tries to be nice and says he likes that it’s wearable, but the other judges almost think it’s too wearable. They all know she can do much better than this and she also is sent to Fashion Week.

Mondo: How F-ing adorable is this dress??? I mean just give him his 100,000 dollars already and can go to bed early on Thursdays. Again, his patterns and textures are different, yet work together perfectly. I can’t wait to see this man’s full collection. The judges love it, and Kors brings up the good point that this dress is still very ”Mondo”, but not colorful. Color is not a clutch for him. Mondo is easily on to Fashion Week.

Andy: I don’t hate this like I thought I might. I think it is styled beautifully and it does look cool under the lights because it does look wet or shinny like tar. The back is very architectural and fun. My only worry about Andy is that his line for Fashion Week with be black and dark and depressing. The judges feel the same way and they think he needs to get away from the future warrior girl thing. No one thinks the dress is Central Park, but I guess that doesn’t matter if they like it. Heidi really likes the lines on the dress because they make the model’s body look longer. Nina calls it the “perfect little black dress for a edgy girl.” Andy is through to Fashion Week.

April: This leaves April the young’in. Yes, the top is very cool, but it’s the same top she has used on every design all season long. I think even Peach would be sick of it at this time. I also think that Christian will love this dress and help her move on to Fashion Week as well. Kors quickly calls her out for making the same look every challenge and making her model look like a pregnant witch. Christian likes it, but wonders who her client is and where they are going. They all think its costume-y. Sadly April is the only designer not on her way to Fashion Week. So long April.

Next Time on Project Runway… Tim’s trip to the designer’s homes. The evil black bag makes an appearance, and we learn that only three will actually get to show the collection they’ve been working so hard on. See you then!

Project Runway Episode 8: Jackie Yo Not O, Down a Michael, and Camel Toe...

We begin this episode by hearing how everyone is sad Casanova is gone. Personally I will miss the V neck shirts down to his bellybutton and his giant fish lips, but no one mentions them. Well, everyone is talking about the Casanova lack, except Ivy who is talking about herself, “I think I’m a very strong woman.” No, Ivy, you are a bitch. Really and it’s not because you are a woman. If you were a man I would call you a dick and if you were a gay man I would call you a bitchy queen. Case closed. Straight Michael thinks Ivy needs to step her designs up and use a color that isn’t black, navy, white or opaque. “Opaque is not a color!” Wow Straight Michael's balls are getting bigger and bigger. They might be marble sized now.

Challenge!!!

The designers meet Tim in a large loft and learn that they must create a look that is their own take on Classic American Sportswear, and use Jackie Kennedy as their inspiration and muse. So pretty much take Jackie O and update her for 2010. Awesome! What is today’s version of the Pill Box Hat? Christopher decides he is going to make a fantastic dress because it’s Jackie O and a runway, not because he is on a national television show and he wants to get to Fashion Week and win, duh. Andy is going to make Jackie Asian, because what doesn’t say CLASSIC AMERICAN sportswear, than something Asian.

Mood!!!

Every week my love for Mondo grows and grows. This week he is back to tip toeing around the store and listening to the bolts of fabric.

Workroom!!!

Gretchen is back to being her annoying self and “helping” all the other designers with their designs. Mean while, she is making a top that looks like a noose, and is concerned about Mondo’s look. STAY AWAY FROM MY MONDO!!!

All the designers think that Gay Michael is the funny one, now that Casanova is gone and he doesn’t have to complete with a foreigner with a funny accent. Oh, and he is making “expensive sportswear that isn’t really sportswear” and a skirt that takes inspiration from The Crucible. FYI: Jackie O would not wear Goth. Thanks Gretchen and Valerie, that really clears a lot up for me. Speaking of Valerie, her new strategy is to just ask Tim Gun every question under the sun and maybe then he will just tell her exactly how to make her outfit to the judges liking.

Tim Visit!!!

Straight Michael has already made two dresses by the time Tim walks around the room, and he isn’t impressed by either. In fact, now that Casanova is gone, Straight Michael seems to being making a Donna Karen dress! (Poor Donna Karen has gotten a horrible rap from this show.) Okay, Andy is making cargo pant/short things for Jackie O. Gay Michael’s skirt is still very “Crucible” and he is worries because he doesn’t want it to look “like she collects rulers and beats children”.

On the morning of day two April, who we haven’t seen at all this episode meaning she must be safe in the middle and thus getting no air time, talks about Andy’s look saying, “More Jackie Yo, than Jackie O.” Mondo also decides to wear short black shorts, a black and white tank, eye liner, black suspenders, and argyle knee socks.

Surprise Twist!!!

Because this show is too freaking long for its hour and a half time slot we need a twist to take up some time. Surprise, this is not a runway day, but another day to keep working on your looks. Oh, and you have to go back to Mood because the producers are making them make an outerwear piece to go with their look. Have fun! Everyone is freaking out until April (the 21 year old) wisely reminds everyone that outerwear doesn’t mean jacket. Light bulb goes off in Valerie’s head as she realizes since she has already made a jacket she can make a vest to go over it. (Every women’s favorite look, vest over jacket.)

Mood Round 2!!!

Christopher wants “something that looks like fur” and wow, he ends up with what he calls “leather” because faux fur is tacky looking, but he can’t say on national television that he is using fur, so leather it is. Then the cameramen give us a close up of Swatch, Mood's Boston Terrier, looking freaked out. Hehe.

Back at the Workroom!!!

OMG. Christopher didn’t realize that leather is thick and that he would have to hand stitch it, because why think about how you are going to have to actually sew the fabric you buy. Ivy is in love with this twist because she loves to make outerwear. Of course she loves making outerwear, she is a great seamstress. (Burn Nina, burn.) Back to Christopher, he wonders about the sex of his “leather” while giving the fur a haircut with scissors to make it less “nappy”. Oh, and Mondo is making a Harry Potter coat.

Tim Visit Round 2!!!

Gay Michael is still standing by his Crucible skirt. Tim says that Andy’s look is the most him he’s been all season. Great, Andy, the challenge is to update Jackie O and you are making her look like a Gay Asian designer from Hawaii. Oh, and she might have camel toe. “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe.” And then I almost choked on my popsicle.

Runway!!!

January Jones is the guest judge. I guess because she is on a show that is set in the 1960’s??? I also feel like I should make a joke about how horrible she was hosting SNL, and will she be like that here on PR, but I can’t get it out.

Christopher: (Top) I don’t like this. The dress looks anemic with a dead animal around the models shoulders. The model also looks as bored with it as I am. Seriously the dress is that weird color that isn’t white. It isn’t silver or beige. It’s just weird and not good for any skin tone. Also, the “outerwear” (I use that term lightly as it is more skinned throw pillow than jacket or wrap) looks like one of my parent’s old Flokati rugs. Seriously he bitched about having to hand sew it, but he didn’t! He just wrapped it around her and pinned it. Then, as she is walking down the runway he calls it, “Fashion Forward”. Um, wasn’t the whole one shoulder thing like two seasons ago? The judges, however, love the dress, but hate the outerwear shrug thing. This means that there is some serious ugly in this group if Christopher made it into the top three with half of his outfit looking a mess.

April: Her model looks totally cracked out! You can’t tell where her hair stops and her jacket begins. This is another one of those black designs that is hard for me to see on my TV. Everything blends together and details get lost. I think I like it better with the jacket, but I also feel that I want to see April design something with more color. Someone give this woman some purple!

Ivy: (Top) I love the white top. I would wear that in a heartbeat. Again, black sucks on my TV and it is hard to see the details of the pants. I think they are a little too high waisted and Talbots for my taste, but I know this is fashion for size 0, 5’9 girls, so I’ll let it slide. The jacket seems well made, but is weird when the model closes it. Heidi is right, there is a weird boob hole and it looks over worked. Also, what women wants a see through trench jacket made out of organza that is usually used for bridesmaid dresses? See through isn’t too weird. I remember a few years back Burberry or Louis Vitton did a see through plastic trench with their signature fabric as the piping. (Okay, I tried to Google a picture and couldn’t find one and LSU Friend who works at Burberry, at least for another week, assured me it wasn’t them. So maybe I am making this up, but I swear I remember this coat in magazines.) But why make a trench that doesn’t either keep you kinda warm or kinda dry? I don’t get it. The judges love the top and pants and like the jacket for its architectural design. Damn, we get another week of Ivy…

Straight Michael: All I can think about when watching this dress come down the runway is the “ugly blue” sweater conversation in The Devil Wears Prada. It’s the scene where Anne Hathoway is still all homely and in those gross square, chunky shoes when she laughs at Meryl Streep picking out belts that to her untrained eye looks exactly the same. Streep then goes into a long monolog about how everything in the fashion world trickles down from her decisions in that very room, including the blue color of her discount sweeter. Therefore I’m wondering if Straight Michael found that fabric in the discount bin at Mood. Oh and a cocktail dress isn’t sportswear!

Gretchen: Chicka, can you please stop using the icky brown colors? I don’t think the proportions of this outfit are quite right. The skirt is too long to be paired with the really long brown cap/coat thing. It’s just really blah…

Gay Michael: (Loser) I feel bad for Gay Michael because I don’t hate this look at all. Yes, the skirt is still fitting a little weird, but it still kinda like it. Yes, I don’t think that Jackie O would wear the double layered tanks, but I like the double layered tanks. Yes, the jacket doesn’t really belong with the rest of the look, but I still like the jacket. The judges hate it. Michael Kors calls it “Old lady on top and cheerleader on the bottom”. Heidi and Nina agree that it is very “mall”, and they all say it is insulting to Jackie Kennedy. Sorry funny, Gay Michael you are out. Now I can call Straight Michael just Michael… this makes me kinda sad…

Valerie: (Bottom) Lately I feel like Valerie has tried and tried and just not really found the finish line to her ideas. I like the jacket under the vest. That sentence right there is what is wrong with this design. No one wears vests over jackets! Originally, she was going to make pants. It would have looked much better with skinny black pants, or maybe even jeans. The judges call her out for the black, stretch “cop out” skirt. Nina makes a good point when she says that every time Valerie wants to make a design statement she does so with pleating and zippers which, “that does not, a good design make”.

Andy: (Bottom) No woman wants to wear pants that look like elephant legs. No woman wants to wear pants that look like elephant legs and that give you a giant wedgy. The judges HATE this look. I mean sometimes they get upset and sometimes they are confused about looks the designers come up with, but they really seem to hate this one. Heidi feels like she is on a different planet, because on Earth there is no way someone would design those pants for Jackie O. January doesn’t see American sportswear. Duh, Mrs. Jones Andy was designing Asian pants. Michael calls the whole look, “MC Hammer meets the Beverly Hillbilly’s Grandma.”

Mondo: (Winner) I love Mondo’s crazy fabric combinations. I would wear every single piece he created and I love the purple lining of the jacket. The judges call him the clear winner and Michael Kors is lusting after the striped T-Shirt.

Next Time on Project Runway: There is a BIG prize for the winner, and some crazy announcement has Valerie crying in the bathroom and Tim shaking.

Project Runway Episode 7: Brunch With Tim, Evil Ivy, and Gossip Girl...

Okay. Okay. I get it. I’m a horrible blogger for not posting this Friday, but I’ve had a lot on my plate this past weekend. First of all work has actually been kinda busy and I’ve had to deal with some… let’s just say “interesting” students. Also, I am trying to get this blog to work for me by getting me other writing gigs, so I’ve been spending time writing for other people and other sites. Lastly, football started and man it takes up a lot of my time. (Go Titans!)

And now, without further ado… Project Runway Episode 7!!!

We start this week’s episode with April moving into “Evil Girl” apartment, AKA the home of Ivy, Gretchen, and Valerie. When April walks through the door with all her bags and amazing high bun all the Mean Girls do that high pitch scream sound. “HHHEEeeeeyyyy…….” It starts all happy and trails off to end in a sneer. Bitches.

Next the designers meet with Heidi on the runway and she is wearing what looks like a cross between a boxer’s shorts, pajamas, and a Prussian Prince’s garb. It’s not a good look. Heidi, when you have legs like yours, you don’t cover them in a circus tent. But, she sends the designers to have brunch (my favorite meal) with Tim Gun, so they really can’t complain.

Surprise!!!

They get to see Michael Kors off the runway and he is even going to give them sunglasses. He also tells them that their challenge this week is to design resort wear that shows their point of view. Straight Michael thinks he has got this challenge “in the bag” because he is from Palm Springs. Mondo is worried because he has never been to a resort and his only idea of resort wear is the underwear and T-Shirt he lounges in at home in his living room.

They then get 30 minutes to sketch on the boat. Gay Michael brings up the great point that “Who wants to sketch when they are drinking mimosas on a boat with Tim Gun.” Casanova wisely says, “This challenge is very Michael Kors. This is not my challenge.” Yeah, Casanova, we all know you are more Donna Karen circa 1984. Andy wants to design a lux bathing suit “you can wear all day”. Because who doesn’t love wearing a bathing suit all day? But then he mentions that he’s from Hawaii and I feel like people from Hawaii might do the swimwear all day thing. They did in Blue Crush… April decides that her look will be inspired by resort wear going to the mental asylum with a dash of super sexy. Sounds awesome to me.

Mood!!!

Gay Michael states that he must be true to himself, once Tim Gun reminds him of this and moves him away from some ghastly bright magenta fabric.

Twist!!!

Oh, no! Tim brings out the horrible, evil, velvet bag and we get to hear from every designer about how much they hate the bag. Except they really haven’t had that many twists this season, right? So Tim tells the designers that this challenge they must wear two hats. They get split up into pairs.

Valerie and Andy
Straight Michael and Mondo
April and Christopher
Casanova and Gretchen
Ivy and Gay Michael

So, they have to design a look and then hand it over to their partner to execute that look. Gay Michael puts is best when he says that he is handing over what he does best to Ivy and Ivy is handing over her neurosis to him. Of course Mondo is freaking out because he is matched with “sucks at life and can’t sew” Straight Michael who earlier in the episode says, “I’ve developed a sewing technique that works for me.” Now, you all know how much I adore Mondo, but he is kinda mean when he gets onto Straight Michael for not having a ruler when he doesn’t even sketch and poor Straight Michael has to interpret written notes to figure out what he is suppose to make.

Workroom!!!

Wow! In what might be the “OMG” moment of the season Gretchen knows Casanova can’t speak English well, so she draws GAINT sketches of what she wants him to sew for her. This is like being in a tourist in foreign country and just speaking really loud and slow to the natives thinking then they will understand you. Dude, Gretchen, the man may have an accent, but, as Casanova points out, he can see just fine. Oh, and I hate every syllable that comes out of Ivy’s mouth.

Um, can we talk about how personal Mondo seems this episode? For the entire season he has been the quirky, quiet guy in the corner with great eyewear, but today he seems like the group’s new chatty Cathy. It’s like his Aspergers has disappeared. I hope it is him just coming out of his shell and not the producers making him out to be weird because they needed a “weird guy”. Then I fall even more in love with him when he apologies to Straight Michael for “being a dick”, his words, for all of an hour. Straight Michael says it’s all good and they man hug and become BFFs.

Tim Meeting!!! With Michael Kors, too!!!

Big surprise, even Casanova’s sketch looks old. Then, Kors calls Gretchen out for having an old looking sketch so maybe they are a good pair. Kors leads April to do another “brief”. Um, can we not give her the okay to do another diaper? Ivy then talks to both Tim Gun and Michael Kors like they are 12 and don’t know anything about sewing and fashion and I want to punt this chick out the door. Michael Kors tells Valerie that not only do her colors for this week’s challenge suck, but actually her colors all season long haven’t been right. This leads Valerie to call her mom, cry, and get a nice little pep talk. We all need a mom pep talk every now and then and I like her even more after hearing her talk to her mom. GET OUT OF THE MEAN GIRLS GROUP!!!

Runway Morning!!!

Everyone is actually getting along and super excited for the runway. Well, everyone except Ivy which makes me do the evil laugh on my couch. “Muhahahah.” Gay Michael says, “I can feel her crazy energy coming off her.” Gay Michael, I can feel her crazy energy coming through my TV set. Oh, and April is having “ass covering issues” which just makes me normal laugh. “Ahahahahah.”

Runway!!!

Heidi now looks like an Ice Dancer, complete with Dorothy Hamill haircut. And the guest judge is…. Kristen Bell??? Good Luck designers, XOXO. (Because who doesn’t love a little Gossip Girl joke.)

Straight Michael: I don’t hate it, and it looks well made so props to my boy Mondo, but… wait… maybe I do hate it. It’s the fabric and belt combo that looks really cheap to me. I feel like this is something you buy in those weird stores that pop up in malls that are kinda ghetto or going out of business. You know, they have names like “Sexy Girl” or “Fashion Plus”. Plus it looks like she has a maternity band in the back.

Mondo: (Bottom Three) The swimsuit looks like underwear from Target. And I hate the matching visor. Who would wear this? I love you Mondo, but this is not a good look for a woman. The judges call it “inexpensive” and “junior.”

Gay Michael: (Top Three) This doesn’t wow me. Again, sometimes black it hard to see on TV. The details just don’t pop they way they would with a different color fabric. Also I think it’s too short. It looks like he ran out of fabric. The judged love it. (Again, they may have a better view.) Kors loves it and thinks it would great for the tropics, which to me is a little confusing. Tropics to me means bright fun colors, not black kinda evening gown. Then again, I’m not a rich woman who buys resort wear, so what do I know? Nina says “This is a look that could be worn by many different women of different ages.” Yeah, okay I agree on that. Point Nina.

Ivy: (Bottom Three) This looks horrible because instead of letting Gay Michael stretch his sewing skills, she redesigned it to be the most boring outfit on the planet so it would look sewn well. Then she threw Gay Michael under the bus for not making an amazing outfit. The outfit, it looks like a costume extra from The Princess Bride, but a slutty Princess Bride with that one shoulder top. Heidi says “it has no personality” and Nina says she doesn’t think Ivy has good designs, but she is a good seamstress (I feel like this is the ultimate low blow and I love Nina for it.) Kristen Bell (Gossip Girl!!!) brings up a good point that Ivy should have played to Gay Michael’s strengths instead on just dumbing down her design. Unfortunately they let her slide through another week.

Christopher: I feel like every week I can’t remember a thing about Christopher from the last week and this is why. His designs are always just so boring. I feel like the colors are from Banana Republic circa 1997. He’s got to go soon.

April: (Winner) Would this make Peach blush or what? The detail at the neck is fab and I love that she really did stay true to herself and she really did make “Asylum, Sexy Resort Wear” The judges love that the shorts are real shorts and not underwear. They call it “tough, punk, baby doll”.

Casanova: (Loser) I call it Mother of the Bride, and I hate it. Michael Kors calls it, “70 year old woman wear”. Nina says it has no fantasy and it is not cool. Adios Casanova.

Gretchen: I like the design of this and I think it looks well made, but I hate the color choice. What woman goes on vacation and wants to wear brown with more brown? And it’s sad brown, too. Not happy, rich, mahogany brown, but sad Ikea discount brown.

Valerie: WTF Val??? Your model looks like a fat cow with saggy boobs and you’ve got V’s pointing towards her vagina!!!

Andy: (Top) Very pretty. I think the wrap is a little too “Princess Barbie”, but it defiantly looks dramatic floating down the runway. I could totally picture this on a rich woman in Canes so I guess it works for me. The judges all like that its wearable, sophisticated, and well made.

Next Week: To quote Tim Gun, “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe…” Yeah, it’s going to be good.

Project Runway Episode 6: Hideous Bridesmaid's Dresses, Awkward Tim Talk, and Obscure Movie References...

Remember 5 episodes ago when I was so excited about Project Runway being an hour a half long… Yeah not so much anymore. Last night’s episode dragged on for what seemed like days. It wasn’t just me who thought this either, I’m pretty sure Boyfriend read War and Peace, baked a soufflé, and ran a marathon while waiting for PR to be done. He did all of that and was still able to come sit with me on the couch and give critiques during the runway show.

So, here we go. Episode 6!

Tonight’s episode opens with everyone talking crap about Straight Michael. In case you forgot he completely sucks at life and should just go and become a doctor or something because he is a horrible designer. Even the nice team from last week is talking about that hideous shirt dress he made. Never mind that their collection looked straight out of Kmart’s sale bin.

Two of the people doing the gossiping are Peach and April. Can someone please give me some insight on their odd relationship? Is it a mother/daughter thing? Maybe it’s a cool aunt/niece situation. I can’t quite figure it out. Then I started thinking maybe it’s a Harold and Maude friendship, but wasn’t Harold in love with Maude in that movie? Honestly I’ve never seen it, but this chick in my art class in college was really into it and talked about the movie all the time.

Gretchen is mad because Tim called her out for being a giant witch at the end of last week’s episode. She thinks he was being unfair and mean, blah, blah, blah. The worst thing other than making Tim so upset he lashes out at you after the runway show, is then complaining about how unfair he is being. Tim is like Jesus, if he chastises you it’s out of love and you confess, say you’re sorry, and move on. Gretchen just whines.

Challenge!!!

Heidi brings out a group of real women in what I thought were ugly prom dresses, but they turned out to be ugly bridesmaid dresses. Okay none of these dresses were beautiful, but some of them, for being bridesmaid dresses, weren’t all that bad. Don’t get me wrong, there were defiantly some ickys in the mix, and one girl’s bridesmaid dress was Best Friend’s prom dress. Literally the exact same dress from the black and white polyester to the sparkles, which Boyfriend thought were fireworks, on the hip. The challenge to the designers is to make a look out of their client's dresses that the model would want to wear again. It doesn’t have to be another dress to wear to a wedding; they can make whatever the client wants. Casanova gets to pick his model first because he won last week and of course picks the skinniest, most model looking “real women” on the runway. Oh, and Straight Michael gets the girl in Best Friend’s prom dress.

30 Minutes to Sketch and Talk to Their Clients!!!

April gets the picky client. At least she gets the client the producers what you to think is picky. Personal, I think she just sounds like she knows what looks good on her body and she doesn’t like a bunch of crappy all over her. April is immediately worried because her design esthetic is “crap all over”. Note to producers, if you want a diva client to throw at our designers, just bring back that high school chick Christian had to make a prom dress for a few seasons ago. Now she was drama and a dive all rolled into one. Straight Michael’s client, the one with Best Friend’s dress, is absolutely gorgeous, and Peach gives her model runway tips. Maybe she is the cool aunt after all.

Mood Trip!!!

Um, yeah it was pretty boring. I think Straight Michael bought a T-Shirt though, because later one he is wearing a shirt that says Mood under his blazer. Very hip.

Work Room!!!

Gay Michael is trying very hard not to bitch about his model’s size (oh, no she might be a 12!), but you know he totally wants to. Casanova seems to be the only one who likes Straight Michael and even calls him talented. Mean while 20 feet away in the sewing room Valerie is gossiping about how much she wishes he will go home on this challenge.

Let’s talk about Gretchen. You guys know how much she annoyed me last week. I could hardly watch the show once, and when I tried a second time… I couldn’t get through it. Then you saw my recap. I know it was lame. The thing is, I think she was probably just as obnoxious this episode as she was last episode, but the produces felt sorry for us, the viewers, last week so they didn’t give her as much airtime. We do get to see her wear an Amish hat and talk to her mother. She says realizes life is more than fashion. Then Tim comes in and has a completely awkward talk with Gretchen about the tie die shirt she is making. (Okay Ombre shirt, but it sure looks like the tie die sold on the corner of Lamar and Barton Springs.) It made me laugh, but also it was kind of like when I see middle school kids and just want to hide. Again, very awkward.

Straight Michael’s model wants a lace top over her dress circa 1995 and the dress my sister wore to her 8th grade dance. Um, I love Mondo and his dress, duh. I also love that it’s okay if Peach calls her model “hippy” (as in with large hips and not the social movement of the 1960’s) because she is mother like. So, runway tips = crazy aunt. Comments about your body and body image = mother. And, wait for the drum roll… Tim likes something Casanova is making! On the other hand, Valerie is making a Cheerios outfit (yes, I can make a Glee reference anywhere) and Tim hates it.

Surprise!!!

Hey, remember designers we have to fill an hour and a half of air time so we are going to make you have your models stand on pedestals why normal people view your designs and vote on their favorites, because we can’t do another show where we file all the extra time with Gretchen being a bitch because the recappers out there will stab themselves in the eyes. The designer showcase is stupid. There I said it. Stupid.

Oh, Gay Michael has a Padma like Indian necklace, so that’s nice.

Let’s talk about Valerie. I want to like Valerie a lot. I like her designs. (Maybe not so much the Cheerleading/Tennis outfit she is making this episode, but everyone has a bad day.) So I want to like her, but she is friends with Hitler and Stalin (aka Gretchen and Ivy). Then it hit me. Valerie is so Lisa Luder from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! Okay so Lisa Luder is the mean blonde girl who is part of the clique who torture Romy and Michelle in High School and then make fun of them for lying about inventing Post Its at the reunion. But! But, at the very end of the movie she has a change in heart and stands up to her mean blonde friends and defends Romy and Michelle’s sparkly outfits as being designed well, made well, and very creative. I hope Valerie has a Lisa Luder moment and stands up to Ivy and Gretchen.

Then, and I swear this is the very next thing written in my notes, Peach says she could sell ice to Iceland because she knows she is going to have to defend her ugly dress to the judges. Ice to Iceland… No Peach. Anyone who has seen The Mighty Ducks 2 know that Iceland is very green and Greenland is full of ice. At least that’s what the hot chick coach from Iceland tells Emilio Estevez when they go for their ice cream date.

(Okay no more obscure movie references. I promise.)

Then they do the Designer Showcase thing, and it’s boring. Oh, and Ivy starts bitching about Straight Michael and honestly I’m so bored. She says something about he is trying to push her buttons or something, but, hello, you’ve spent the last four episodes complaining about how he can’t sew, can’t design, and thoroughly sucks at life, so shut the F up and let the poor man vent.

Oh, Andy cut his hair into an awesome Mohawk.

Runway Show!!!

Cynthia Rowley is the guest judge because she just designed a bridesmaid line among other things, and Heidi looks like a hooker.

Mondo: (Top Three and People’s Choice Winner) I like this dress. I think it’s made well and I loved that he was smart enough to turn the pick fabric around so it wasn’t so blaringly Pepto-Bismol Pink. All the judges like it, but no one really has anything great to say. I think the back is better than the front, but whatever. The only thing I really don’t like is the model’s crazy junior prom hair. It’s bad.

Ivy: She made the same stupid matronly pants she made in the first episode that the judges hated. The top is weird. I’m pretty sure she only used the fabric from the dress to make the pants, which means she made that shirt because she wanted to. She went to Mood with the idea of making a blanket top. Boyfriend says the whole thing looks like it should be in a window at Chicos.

Valerie: (Bottom Three) All the top needs is Wildcats sewn onto it and she could be an extra in Bring It On 7: Go Fight Sew Ungly Dresses. Plus I feel like in a challenge where you are suppose to be reinventing a bridesmaid dress you should have ugly bows attached to the hip. The judges bring up that it is “color blocking gone all wrong.” Who does she thing she is, Mila from last season? Michael says it looks like a maternity bra, and Nina wonders what restaurant she could wear this out with her husband to. Duh, Nina, Red Lobster…

Gretchen: This might be the most unflattering outfit ever. I don’t want to say mean things about these women. They are not models and they came on this show to have some fun, but Gretchen’s model has some serious shoulders. So, why would her design be a racer back tank top. This makes no since at all. The top is very Free People and the skirt is slutty Talbots. Also why the same Robin Hood boots? They don’t go with every design you send down the runway, Hitler!

Peach: (Bottom Three, Going Home) Bad. Bad. Bad. Her model looks like she has no neck and green wings on her hips. There is just too much “bad” going on. Michael won’t shut up about her hair being amazing, but hates the “avocado dinner napkins” that are glued to her hips. Then Heidi calls them a “bed skirt ruffle-fest” causing Boyfriend to crack up and ask me if I had tickets this year. She got sent home and now April will have to find a new mom/aunt/lover person.

Andy: Andy made weird black shorts with an athletic looking shirt. Also, do you think there is a wallet at the end of those chains, stuffed into her back pocket?

Straight Michael: (Top Three, Winner) Now, I love that the judges love Straight Michael. It’s like the more the love him the more likely Gretchen and Ivy’s heads will explode. But, I do not agree with the judges on this one. I think it’s short whorish, not short awesome-ness (which the judges think). I hate the weird fake pocket on the side. When it was first coming down the runway I was all, “Boyfriend, what do you think goes in that pocket/sling thing? A baby? Candy? Maybe a Laptop?” It turns out the only thingthat goes there is half the model’s hand, very awkwardly.

Christopher: (Top Three) I feel like the fabric has just slipped off her right boob and she needs to pull it up over her nude bra. Also, it doesn’t seem like he changed the bottom of the dress all that much. The judges like it, they put him in the top three, but aren’t all that excited about it. They all seem to like the top, but don’t know what to think about the bottom.

Gay Michael: (Bottom Three) I love this. I think it is flattering and a huge improvement from the original dress. I’m not sure about the little shrug, but maybe she wanted the option to cover her arms. I think it’s flirty and the model looks amazing. Um, and then the judges totally hate it! They think the fabric looks cheap and that she looked better in the original dress. Now, I’m watching the show on my tiny 28 inch TV and I’m sure the judges have a better view of the fabric, so I’ll give them that. Maybe in real life the fabric does look cheap. But, how in the heck can they think the original dress was better on her?!?!? It was shinny hot pink satin. I’m sorry judges, but satin shows every bump and bulge and there is no way I would look good in that dress or any other women for that matter. Whoever the bride was that picked it for her wedding must have really hated her friends.

Casanova: It’s cute. A little shinny but cute. Then he calls the pants a motorcycle pant, and I just don’t see it. Oh and those shoes are gross.

April: First of all, the client looks amazing! She looks like a model out on the runway strutting her stuff. I’m a little curious to learn how much of the original fabric she used because as far as I can tell the original dress is just that pleated stuff hanging out the front, but maybe that just shows how good the dress is that I can’t tell what is old and what is new. Oh, and I like the zipper in the back.

So you can imagine how pissed all the designers are when they hear that Straight Michael is not only in the top three, but also the winner. Gretchen wonders, “What fucking show am I on?” Straight Michael might have finally grown some balls because when he comes back into the waiting room after winning he is all, “Yeah, they loved everything” and just leaned back in his chair smiling while everyone gave him “eat shit and die” looks. If Gretchen and Ivy rolled their eyes anymore they would have latched onto their spinal cords.

Next Week: Another group challenge!!!

Project Runway Episode 5: I Kinda Want to Punch My TV...

Here's how last night went down. My friend Cupcake came over to watch Project Runway with me. She brought yummy snacks, bruchetta and cookies, and I had the wine. We chatted for a while about this and that and then pressed play on the DVR for what I was hoping would be a fun little episode of one of our favorite TV shows. Wow, were we wrong. So usually my process is pretty time consuming. I sit down with a pad of paper, a pen, a glass of something alcoholic, and I start. There is a lot of pausing and restarting and rewinding. Although the episode is one a a half hours, it usually takes me about two and a half to finish watching the episode. I didn't want to subject Cupcake to this annoying way of watching the telly, so I was actually a little excited to sit and watch one of my favorite shows like a normal person. Then the show started and I wanted to gouge my eyes out with popsicle sticks.

After cupcake left, I took a break, laid down with Boyfriend, and played some Toobz (my favorite App game) and tried to relax, but in the back of my mind I knew I needed to re-watch PR and take notes. So I got out of bed, turned the lights back on, and sat down with my notebook. I got 14 minutes into the episode before I just couldn't go any further. I quit. Pretty much this recap is going to be a little different. My Bad. I just couldn't...

This weeks challenge is to split up into two teams of six and create a cohesive 6 piece line bases on trends for fall 2010. Since Straight Michael won last weeks challenge he gets to pick his first team member and picks Gretchen, and then Gretchen never shuts the F up for the next hour and a half and I want to turn in my vagina and just give up on my gender. April sums it up nice, "Michael Costello (Straight Michael) is such a dumb ass for choosing Gretchen. Do you want to hire Hitler?" Here are the teams...

Team "Menswear for Women in Camel"
Straight Michael
Gretchen
Christopher
Andy
Ivy
AJ

Team "Military Lace"
April
Mondo
Gay Michael
Valerie
Casanova
Peach

Then they go to Mood and we learn that Mood has a doggie that roams the store named Swatch. And that's cute.

Back in the work room we get 40 minutes of Gretchen, Ivy, Andy, AJ, and Christopher (who I still never remember) bitching about how horrible Straight Michael it. He can't sew, can't cute fabric, can't design... He might as well just jump off a cliff and save himself the bullet he sucks so much at life and making ugly camel clothes. Gretchen is the total ring leader. She is bitchy, snarky, I hate her condescending bangs, and just down right mean.

The only other thing going on that gets any air time at all is Casanova's melt down. Tim comes in a says he is worried that Casanova's look is again looking old and Casanova throws himself down on the couch and says he is going to quit. Oh and he does this in an outfit that is totally Kermit the Frog meets Buddy the Elf meets... Gay. It's fabulous. Eventually his teams convinces him to get his flamboyant and kinda whinny bum back to work.

Runway time. In a huge underdog victory, Team "Military Lace" wins. Although the judges seem to like it and they award Casanova the win for his white pants and lace top, the collection is pretty tacky. Like KMart tacky.

While the winning team is on the runway getting their praise. Team Loser, team "Menswear for Women in Camel", team "We kiss up to Gretchen for some ungodly reason" is chilling in the back room devising a runway plan. Their plan, suggested by Evil, Evil Gretchen is, "We Stand United" in other words, no one is going to throw anyone under the bus and they are going to stand by what they made.

So, of course, five minutes after they land on the runway the back stabbing begins and who starts it, Witchy Witch Gretchen. She throws Straight Michael under the bus and then so does everyone else. Heidi and Michael are confused because, as they say numerous times, Straight Michael has immunity and can't be Awf-ed, so why do they keep bringing him up. Finally Judge Michael totally calls Gretchen on her bullshit. First she thought there was nothing wrong with their beautiful collection and then she's throwing teammates under the bus and calling their work crap. For this she is in the bottom two with AJ, but they end up sending AJ home.

I think its important to say that yes, I understand this is Reality TV. I get that there are producers and editors cutting and splicing hours of film to make this hour and a half episode. I still think Gretchen is a horrible human being and I am proven right by Tim Gun. When AJ is kicked off he comes back into the waiting room to say goodbye to everyone. Then Tim steps up and says, “I don’t know why you allowed Gretchen to manipulate, control, and bully you. I don’t understand it. A.J., you’ve taken the bullet, and now I have to send you to the workroom to clean up your space.” Gretchen is a horrible human being and I hope to God next week's episode is back to funny hats, but I think it's going to be a "real woman" challenge and I'm okay with that too.

(If you want to see the really ugly collections go to Lifetime.com. They are too gross to clutter up my awesome blog.)

Project Runway Episode 4: Crazy Hats and Bitchy Women...

This season of Project Runway just keeps getting better and better. I’m sorry there was no recap last week because of the wedding. I watched the episode on Sunday night and thought about recapping it, but decided against it. I’d rather write about Davis Girl’s boobs. It was this season’s first “unconventional” materials challenge. The designers had to make an outfit using only materials they could buy at a cheesy party store. Andy won with a ribbon dress and Sarah was out with an ugly dress made out of what appeared to be elephant skin and paper palm leaves. Moving on…

We open this dramatic episode with Ivy passed out and on her way to the hospital. Evidently Ivy “smokes and drinks a lot of Diet Coke” so Gretchen and Valerie decide she must have passed out because of stress. I’m not quite sure why they brought up the Diet Coke, but maybe it was an AD placement like the PiperLime accessories wall. Turns out Ivy was just dehydrated. All is well and she gets back to the hotel room at 3 in the morning all watered up and with a fabulous idea to recreate a vision she had at the hospital room. Nothing says fashion like hospital wear.

Meeting with Heidi on the Runway!!!

Ladies and gentlemen today we have the crazy hat challenge! Philip Treacy (who spells his name all crazy like his hats and looks like a banker from the Midwest) has brought his amazing milliner creations onto the runway for the designers to be inspired by. Michael C (who from this point on will be identified as Straight Michael) calls this opportunity “the Holy Grail”. Yes! Bring on the Monty Python hats! Then Heidi brings all the models out in the outrageous head gears and the designers get to pick their model based on what hat they want to work with. Except everyone is totally boring and sticks with the model they have been working with even if they kinda don’t like the hat they are stuck with. They all use the “I’ve had such success with ______, I have to stick with her.” I want to scream at the TV, “Um maybe Gretchen and Valerie can say that, but all you other dopes haven’t even been in the top so where is this success???”

Sketching Time/Mood Visit!!!

Everyone seems pretty excited about their ideas and we hear a lot of “freaking amazing”, a David Bowie idea, and even some warrior talk. As usual Mondo is being Mondo and wandering around Mood waiting to hear “a million, trillion voices from the fabric”. Oh, and Ivy is taking inspiration from the hospital curtains because I know when I see hospital curtains I think high fashion dress to go with my fuchsia, 2 foot high hat.

Workroom!!!

Casanova wants to quit because his work sucks and he can’t handle the judges telling him his works sucks. Really he is just being a queen and he gets back to work on a dress to go with personally my favorite hat of the group. (A lime green and black upside down question mark.) Valerie forgot to buy a zipper and my first thought is if only that dude Jason was still around with his fashion corset because I bet there would be an extra zipper or two hidden somewhere around his fabulous waist. Lucky for Valerie, Ivy steps in and loans her one. Kristen then spends the whole day freaking out because she has to design a dress around an orchid hat. She is so… confused and doesn’t know what to make. Really? Designing around a flower is hard? Be lucky you weren’t around for the make a dress out of flowers challenge (Santino season) or the get inspired by the botanical gardens challenge (when Kenly made the dragon scales dress). Hello Georgia O’Keefe dress… Go! And Then Ivy eats a leaf… that will help. Wait, now Kristen loves her hat and is going to make a black dress. (headdesk) Somewhere her thought process went from “pretty orchid” to “I wore orchids in my hair when I got married” to “black dress”. Then she starts talking about sex and how flowers are like sex on a stick (or stem???) and then gets slapped in the ass by Casanova and she’s back to work.
Apparently it’s Father’s Day. Happy Father’s Day Straight Michael and… um… no one else.

Tim Visit!!!

Valerie is making a jacket with zippers, but more importantly she has a tape measure wrapped around her noggin like a hip head band. April is making hot shorts that look like a diaper. Then Tim says this gem to AJ, “The woman that can afford that hat can afford a poke-a-dot dress where the poke-a-dots line up.” Snap. Peach wants to make a short dress, but not short enough to show off the “good china”. Classy. Mondo has new glasses, again. Who the Hell is Christopher??? Tim calls Casanova’s dress “Donna Karen circa 1988” and Lifetime gives us DonDonDon scary music.

Later That Night at Atlas…

Trash Talk Time!!!

Gay Michael talks about Casanova’s old lady dress and I feel like he is stealing Tim’s thunder. Don’t steal Tim’s thunder. Gretchen is complete crap. Evidently this snobby attitude started last week after her two wins in a row. She is like that chubby girl (yeah, they’re all chubby) in my college classes that had an opinion about everything and would never ever just shit the F up. (Except this is fashion so she is skinny.)

Runway Morning!!!

Gay Michael spends too much time with hair and makeup making sure the “stay true to the hat.” Dude it dosen't take a rocket scientist or a master hair stylist to put her hair in a bun. Oh, God. Casanova is thinking Princess Laya hair. Remember the taste level, Casanova. I heart Mondo so much. He is giving his model a Tavi mustache. I also heart that Philip Treacy is positioning the hats on the models himself.

Runway!!!

Hahahahahah…. Heidi walks out onto the runway with a giant “upside down rose being rammed into her forehead” hat and “Kiss From a Rose” is playing over the speakers. Awesome.

AJ: This is very Ladies who Lunch meets Pretty Women. I can't tell if the poke-a-dots match up but it looks pretty well made. I feel like there could have been a little less tulle for my taste. I also don't see the connection between the hat and dress, but then I was thinking what I would have designed for this hat and I couldn't think of anything better. Safe.

Andy: The only thing I can think of when I see this dress is the movie Big Business with Bette Midler and Lily Tomlin. So in the movie both Bette and Lily play twins separated at birth and then end up meeting in New York at the Plaza hotel. Country Bette tries so hard to be fashionable and I believe she would have bought this in aheart beat. This had to have been Andy's inspiration.

April: Wow this chick has some serious balls. I actually see the whole "futuristic resort" thing she was going for, but I agree with the judges that she didn't take if far enough. And by "far enough" I mean far enough down her legs. Michael calls this the layered panty look and all the judges end up hating it. I am glad the let her squeak by to the next round because at least she was creative. Oh and does anyone think that April is like Anne from ANTM way back when during the season Eva won? I mean doesn't she just scream weird artsy college volleyball player??? Anyone???

Casanova: This hat is still may favorite, and the dress isn't bad. I think this is the first challenge where I can really see that Casanova can sew. Granted he is sewing a dress from 20 years ago, but at least the man has some skills. I love the bright lip, but pink lip stick can't be the best thing about the outfit if you want to win.

Christopher: All of the designers love this and I don't get it. Why the belt and leggings and giant boots??? I feel like all the accessories take away from the prettiness of the dress/coat thing. You really can't even see the model under all that crap. To quote Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park's sequel The Lost World, "It's so agreeable to be proven right." The judges hate this! Michael says that the hardness of the accessories and the curtain dress take away from the softness of the hat and I couldn't agree more. Christopher, Sir, you are in the bottom three, but safe to come back another day.

Gretchen: Obviously she isn't winning since we haven't had to hear her talk about how wonderful she is all freaking episode long. She made crazy jopher legging things and a tunic I think I saw at Macys the other day. I hate Gretchen so I don't want to talk about her stupid look anymore. The hat is totally awesome, though. It reminds me of when I was in 3rd grade and a part of Odyssey of the Mind. We did a skit about the Trojan War and made helmets from plastic plant pots with feather things running the length of the head made out of coffee filters. That is the Philip Treacy version of my OM helmet.

Ivy: Dude this girl has on an amazing hot pink Malibu Barbie hat and she made a hospital curtain suit thing. Go Away Ivy.

Kristen: Okay, answer me this. If this dress is support to be sex, why would Kristen put a red piece of fabric coming out from in between the models legs? She talked so much about the symbolism of an orchid and then she made an poorly made Jessica McClintock "Aunt Flow" dress. The judges don't like it either and put her in the bottom three where Nina disses her matchy matchy flower shoes. Philip Treacy brings up the very good point that if she was trying to make a flowy dress to match a fragile flower hat, why would you make it out of heavy black satin. For this, Kristen is sent home.

Straight Michael: Pretty but boring handkerchief dress. Casanova brings up the point that every girl in Puerto Rico has ten of these dresses in their closets. I had a few about 5 years ago so the fact that they are popular in Puerto Rico now makes since. I'm not sure if I like the colors together, but maybe the color combination is a little too sophisticated for me. The judges love this look!!! Nina likes the nude shoes and Philip Treacy likes that he brought the look together by the iridescence-ness of the hat and dress. (This seems hard to see on TV and in the pictures.) Turns out they really love it and he is the winner!!!

Gay Michael: OMG I love this wacky look!!! The top looks like it is made out of perforated card bored, and the skirt... it's a crinkle skirt. AKA a broomstick skirt. My mom had like ten of these back in the day and I had one with the ABCs on it. Props Gay Michael, Props. The judges love it too, even after Gay Michael describes his hat as warrior/farmer (my favorite kind). He also goes on about the sun in his outfit and what represents the sun??? This tiny little gold belt you can barely see. Boyfriend calls this look "American Gothic" and I totally agree.

Mondo: Mondo, Mondo, Mondo... this is ridiculous and yet I still kinda love it. You can do no wrong in my heart. I love how nothing goes together and that you have a since of humor in your design. The pants are a little high wasted in my opinion, but whatever. Please more mustaches in the future.

Peach: One of the coolest hats goes to one of the dumpiest designers. It's a complete Lilly Pulitzer knock off that has nothing to do with the hat. Sorry Philip I too feel your pain.

Valerie: I was excited to see this look because she began by describing it as David Bowie from The Labyrinth and talked about making a cool white leather jacket with lots of zipper detail. Where is that look? Because that's the look I want to critique. I just think this is disappointing because I was expecting more. The judges like it, though, and put Valerie in the top three. And then they go on to describe the jacket.. "Hello it's not a jacket!!! It's a vest... maybe, but not a jacket!!!" The judges call it hard yet sexy and Michael likes the geometric hem. Philip Treacy doesn't see the connection between hat/mask thing and the dress. This got me wondering if you think he has preconceived notions of what the outfits should look like because he's spent so much time on the hats. What do you think???

BTW: Ivy is a bitch and I hate her (and Gretchen) for not being happy for Straight Michael's win. I stood up for her Asian Ass during the first challenge when she sucked and now she's judging other people when she can't even make it into the top three???

Next Week: Team Challenge and a whole lot of tears...