Remember 5 episodes ago when I was so excited about Project Runway being an hour a half long… Yeah not so much anymore. Last night’s episode dragged on for what seemed like days. It wasn’t just me who thought this either, I’m pretty sure Boyfriend read War and Peace, baked a soufflé, and ran a marathon while waiting for PR to be done. He did all of that and was still able to come sit with me on the couch and give critiques during the runway show.
So, here we go. Episode 6!
Tonight’s episode opens with everyone talking crap about Straight Michael. In case you forgot he completely sucks at life and should just go and become a doctor or something because he is a horrible designer. Even the nice team from last week is talking about that hideous shirt dress he made. Never mind that their collection looked straight out of Kmart’s sale bin.
Two of the people doing the gossiping are Peach and April. Can someone please give me some insight on their odd relationship? Is it a mother/daughter thing? Maybe it’s a cool aunt/niece situation. I can’t quite figure it out. Then I started thinking maybe it’s a Harold and Maude friendship, but wasn’t Harold in love with Maude in that movie? Honestly I’ve never seen it, but this chick in my art class in college was really into it and talked about the movie all the time.
Gretchen is mad because Tim called her out for being a giant witch at the end of last week’s episode. She thinks he was being unfair and mean, blah, blah, blah. The worst thing other than making Tim so upset he lashes out at you after the runway show, is then complaining about how unfair he is being. Tim is like Jesus, if he chastises you it’s out of love and you confess, say you’re sorry, and move on. Gretchen just whines.
Challenge!!!
Heidi brings out a group of real women in what I thought were ugly prom dresses, but they turned out to be ugly bridesmaid dresses. Okay none of these dresses were beautiful, but some of them, for being bridesmaid dresses, weren’t all that bad. Don’t get me wrong, there were defiantly some ickys in the mix, and one girl’s bridesmaid dress was Best Friend’s prom dress. Literally the exact same dress from the black and white polyester to the sparkles, which Boyfriend thought were fireworks, on the hip. The challenge to the designers is to make a look out of their client's dresses that the model would want to wear again. It doesn’t have to be another dress to wear to a wedding; they can make whatever the client wants. Casanova gets to pick his model first because he won last week and of course picks the skinniest, most model looking “real women” on the runway. Oh, and Straight Michael gets the girl in Best Friend’s prom dress.
30 Minutes to Sketch and Talk to Their Clients!!!
April gets the picky client. At least she gets the client the producers what you to think is picky. Personal, I think she just sounds like she knows what looks good on her body and she doesn’t like a bunch of crappy all over her. April is immediately worried because her design esthetic is “crap all over”. Note to producers, if you want a diva client to throw at our designers, just bring back that high school chick Christian had to make a prom dress for a few seasons ago. Now she was drama and a dive all rolled into one. Straight Michael’s client, the one with Best Friend’s dress, is absolutely gorgeous, and Peach gives her model runway tips. Maybe she is the cool aunt after all.
Mood Trip!!!
Um, yeah it was pretty boring. I think Straight Michael bought a T-Shirt though, because later one he is wearing a shirt that says Mood under his blazer. Very hip.
Work Room!!!
Gay Michael is trying very hard not to bitch about his model’s size (oh, no she might be a 12!), but you know he totally wants to. Casanova seems to be the only one who likes Straight Michael and even calls him talented. Mean while 20 feet away in the sewing room Valerie is gossiping about how much she wishes he will go home on this challenge.
Let’s talk about Gretchen. You guys know how much she annoyed me last week. I could hardly watch the show once, and when I tried a second time… I couldn’t get through it. Then you saw my recap. I know it was lame. The thing is, I think she was probably just as obnoxious this episode as she was last episode, but the produces felt sorry for us, the viewers, last week so they didn’t give her as much airtime. We do get to see her wear an Amish hat and talk to her mother. She says realizes life is more than fashion. Then Tim comes in and has a completely awkward talk with Gretchen about the tie die shirt she is making. (Okay Ombre shirt, but it sure looks like the tie die sold on the corner of Lamar and Barton Springs.) It made me laugh, but also it was kind of like when I see middle school kids and just want to hide. Again, very awkward.
Straight Michael’s model wants a lace top over her dress circa 1995 and the dress my sister wore to her 8th grade dance. Um, I love Mondo and his dress, duh. I also love that it’s okay if Peach calls her model “hippy” (as in with large hips and not the social movement of the 1960’s) because she is mother like. So, runway tips = crazy aunt. Comments about your body and body image = mother. And, wait for the drum roll… Tim likes something Casanova is making! On the other hand, Valerie is making a Cheerios outfit (yes, I can make a Glee reference anywhere) and Tim hates it.
Surprise!!!
Hey, remember designers we have to fill an hour and a half of air time so we are going to make you have your models stand on pedestals why normal people view your designs and vote on their favorites, because we can’t do another show where we file all the extra time with Gretchen being a bitch because the recappers out there will stab themselves in the eyes. The designer showcase is stupid. There I said it. Stupid.
Oh, Gay Michael has a
Padma like Indian necklace, so that’s nice.
Let’s talk about Valerie. I want to like Valerie a lot. I like her designs. (Maybe not so much the Cheerleading/Tennis outfit she is making this episode, but everyone has a bad day.) So I want to like her, but she is friends with Hitler and Stalin (aka Gretchen and Ivy). Then it hit me. Valerie is so
Lisa Luder from Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion! Okay so Lisa Luder is the mean blonde girl who is part of the clique who torture Romy and Michelle in High School and then make fun of them for lying about inventing Post Its at the reunion. But! But, at the very end of the movie she has a change in heart and stands up to her mean blonde friends and defends Romy and Michelle’s sparkly outfits as being designed well, made well, and very creative. I hope Valerie has a Lisa Luder moment and stands up to Ivy and Gretchen.
Then, and I swear this is the very next thing written in my notes, Peach says she could sell ice to Iceland because she knows she is going to have to defend her ugly dress to the judges. Ice to Iceland… No Peach. Anyone who has seen The Mighty Ducks 2 know that Iceland is very green and Greenland is full of ice. At least that’s what the hot chick coach from Iceland tells Emilio Estevez when they go for their ice cream date.
(Okay no more obscure movie references. I promise.)
Then they do the Designer Showcase thing, and it’s boring. Oh, and Ivy starts bitching about Straight Michael and honestly I’m so bored. She says something about he is trying to push her buttons or something, but, hello, you’ve spent the last four episodes complaining about how he can’t sew, can’t design, and thoroughly sucks at life, so shut the F up and let the poor man vent.
Oh, Andy cut his hair into an awesome Mohawk.
Runway Show!!!
Cynthia Rowley is the guest judge because she just designed a bridesmaid line among
other things, and Heidi looks like a hooker.
Mondo: (Top Three and People’s Choice Winner) I like this dress. I think it’s made well and I loved that he was smart enough to turn the pick fabric around so it wasn’t so blaringly Pepto-Bismol Pink. All the judges like it, but no one really has anything great to say. I think the back is better than the front, but whatever. The only thing I really don’t like is the model’s crazy junior prom hair. It’s bad.
Ivy: She made the same stupid matronly pants she made in the first episode that the judges hated. The top is weird. I’m pretty sure she only used the fabric from the dress to make the pants, which means she made that shirt because she wanted to. She went to Mood with the idea of making a blanket top. Boyfriend says the whole thing looks like it should be in a window at Chicos.
Valerie: (Bottom Three) All the top needs is Wildcats sewn onto it and she could be an extra in Bring It On 7: Go Fight Sew Ungly Dresses. Plus I feel like in a challenge where you are suppose to be reinventing a bridesmaid dress you should have ugly bows attached to the hip. The judges bring up that it is “color blocking gone all wrong.” Who does she thing she is, Mila from last season? Michael says it looks like a maternity bra, and Nina wonders what restaurant she could wear this out with her husband to. Duh, Nina, Red Lobster…
Gretchen: This might be the most unflattering outfit ever. I don’t want to say mean things about these women. They are not models and they came on this show to have some fun, but Gretchen’s model has some serious shoulders. So, why would her design be a racer back tank top. This makes no since at all. The top is very Free People and the skirt is slutty Talbots. Also why the same Robin Hood boots? They don’t go with every design you send down the runway, Hitler!
Peach: (Bottom Three, Going Home) Bad. Bad. Bad. Her model looks like she has no neck and green wings on her hips. There is just too much “bad” going on. Michael won’t shut up about her hair being amazing, but hates the “avocado dinner napkins” that are glued to her hips. Then Heidi calls them a “bed skirt ruffle-fest” causing Boyfriend to crack up and ask me if I had tickets this year. She got sent home and now April will have to find a new mom/aunt/lover person.
Andy: Andy made weird black shorts with an athletic looking shirt. Also, do you think there is a wallet at the end of those chains, stuffed into her back pocket?
Straight Michael: (Top Three, Winner) Now, I love that the judges love Straight Michael. It’s like the more the love him the more likely Gretchen and Ivy’s heads will explode. But, I do not agree with the judges on this one. I think it’s short whorish, not short awesome-ness (which the judges think). I hate the weird fake pocket on the side. When it was first coming down the runway I was all, “Boyfriend, what do you think goes in that pocket/sling thing? A baby? Candy? Maybe a Laptop?” It turns out the only thingthat goes there is half the model’s hand, very awkwardly.
Christopher: (Top Three) I feel like the fabric has just slipped off her right boob and she needs to pull it up over her nude bra. Also, it doesn’t seem like he changed the bottom of the dress all that much. The judges like it, they put him in the top three, but aren’t all that excited about it. They all seem to like the top, but don’t know what to think about the bottom.
Gay Michael: (Bottom Three) I love this. I think it is flattering and a huge improvement from the original dress. I’m not sure about the little shrug, but maybe she wanted the option to cover her arms. I think it’s flirty and the model looks amazing. Um, and then the judges totally hate it! They think the fabric looks cheap and that she looked better in the original dress. Now, I’m watching the show on my tiny 28 inch TV and I’m sure the judges have a better view of the fabric, so I’ll give them that. Maybe in real life the fabric does look cheap. But, how in the heck can they think the original dress was better on her?!?!? It was shinny hot pink satin. I’m sorry judges, but satin shows every bump and bulge and there is no way I would look good in that dress or any other women for that matter. Whoever the bride was that picked it for her wedding must have really hated her friends.
Casanova: It’s cute. A little shinny but cute. Then he calls the pants a motorcycle pant, and I just don’t see it. Oh and those shoes are gross.
April: First of all, the client looks amazing! She looks like a model out on the runway strutting her stuff. I’m a little curious to learn how much of the original fabric she used because as far as I can tell the original dress is just that pleated stuff hanging out the front, but maybe that just shows how good the dress is that I can’t tell what is old and what is new. Oh, and I like the zipper in the back.
So you can imagine how pissed all the designers are when they hear that Straight Michael is not only in the top three, but also the winner. Gretchen wonders, “What fucking show am I on?” Straight Michael might have finally grown some balls because when he comes back into the waiting room after winning he is all, “Yeah, they loved everything” and just leaned back in his chair smiling while everyone gave him “eat shit and die” looks. If Gretchen and Ivy rolled their eyes anymore they would have latched onto their spinal cords.
Next Week: Another group challenge!!!
She almost took the best dressed title at the Emmy's but at the Sag Awards she really had no competition. None of the photos I could find really do this dress justice. When she was walking on stage the reds and pinks and whites mix beautifully together and the belt sparkles adding just a tad bit of pizazz and bling. She completely out shined Natalie Portman (even with her cute PG waddle). 
Y’all know the dresses I’m talking about. That show on TLC called Say Yes To The Dress show cases them all the freaking time. Pnina Tornia sells her tacky and completely inappropriate dresses to the bitchiest brides from all over the country. You know the ones, they always come shopping with their mothers who swear they are little angels and their best “mean girl” friends who secretly hope they trip down the aisle and are divorced in five years. They talk about having a “fairy tale” wedding and then drop 6 grand on a see through wedding dress that some albino peacock regurgitated the week before. I don’t know how Angie Harmon got trapped in these whorish, bridal feathers, but I fear for District Attorney Abby Carmichael.
Psss… you’ve split something on your dress, Barbara. 
Ernest was being honored for his lifetime in movies and television, and although he looks great, can we please talk about his wife. DAMN TOVA! I saw her last night sitting next to him and couldn’t wait to see her full look from the red carpet. After Googling her I found out that she is the fifth wife of Ernest, has had a skin care line called Beauty of Tova for 21 years, and is Norwegian. See, you do learn something new everyday. I love her dress. I love her giant hair. Bravo Ernest for landing such a hottie. 
Have you guy seen that episode of Family Guy where Chris becomes a famous artist and move to New York and starts dating Kate Moss except he’s always losing her because she’s so skinny and fall through floor boards and blows away in the wind. I think Family Guy’s animated version of Kate Moss has been Guiliana’s inspiration for just a little too long. Say it with me, “EAT A CHEESEBURGER”!!!
Love her! I’m thinking the dress could have just been straight to the floor without the little poof at the bottom, but whatever. The colors totally make up for any “poofing”. It’s fun to see pink and orange on the red carpet on a young girl who can wear super bright colors together and still look appropriate. Just like at the Emmy’s, I love her natural hair and lack of crazy fancy diamonds. Keep it up Hailey and please, please, please fight for the role of Katniss in the movie version of the Hunger Games!!!
