Tongues, Jurassic Park, and Koala Fingerprints Cause My Brain to Hurt...

When I was growing up I had a subscription to World Magazine. World was National Geographic for kids, and the majority of the magazine focused on animals. 60% animal facts, 25% Egypt (because at some point in every kids life they want to be an Egyptologist), 10% pollution problems, and 5% “get your parents to subscribe to National Geographic”. I read a fact in World that I have never forgotten. The tongue of a Blue Whale weights more than a fully grown, male, African Elephant. This still baffles me. How can a whale be that big??? If the tongue is an Elephant then the heart is like 50 Hippos and the eyes are 4 Ligers each.

It’s kinda like in Jurassic Park when Alan Grant is trying to explain just how much time has passed since the baby Velociraptor he dug up in Montana had died. He explains it like this, humans have been around for 80,000 years (well some form of humans or apes standing upright). If you took the 80,000 years humans have been on this earth and condensed them down to just one day that tiny little fossilized Raptor baby was still over 3000 YEARS OLD!!! Facts like this make my brain hurt. I can’t imagine that much time, and I can’t imagine having an elephant for a tongue.

More ridiculous animal facts…

*Cows have regional accents. (Yes, cows from Texas say “Moooya’ll” while cows from Minnesota say, “don’tchamoooooooknow?”)

*Bonobos (which are insanely cute mini chimpanzees) are the only other ape, besides humans, to engage in oral sex, tongues kissing, and “face to face genital sex”. (WFT??? Oral sex, okay I get it. The little Bonobos are trying to have fun without risking a whole herd of even smaller Bonobos. Tongue kissing? Now I don’t know about you, but when I read this I immediately thought of these little chimps in little berets, holding little French flags. So f-ing cute. But “face to face genital sex”... in my head I heard, “and then the male Bonobo tenderly brushes a piece of hair off of his Bonobo wife’s face. (Of course they were married earlier in the Church of Bonobo and the Sacred Heart.) Their eyes meet, and she bats her tiny Bonobo lashes at her muscular Bonobo husband. They then embrace and make sweet, sweet Bonobo love.” Now what I really want to know is if they always have tender, passionate “face to face” love making or sometimes does Mr. Bonobo come home from a hard day of pulling bugs from a log with a stick and just want to pound Mrs. Bonobo from behind as she peels fruit for the evening meal?)

*The Poison Arrow Frog has enough poison to kill 2,200 people. (Or 4,400 children… sweet tender children…)

*Montana Mountain Goats will butt heads so hard their hooves fall off. (…. ….. wa…. ma… so…. WHAT??????..... This can’t be right. Please imagine this.)
Goat Number 1: "My head is starting to hurt, but I’m going to keep ramming you with it because that is one fine looking lady goat over there and I want to have non “face to face” intercourse with her." RAAAAMMMM!!!!(really hard)
Goat Number 2: "Ouch. That hurt. No stop. Time out. That like really hurt… Am I bleeding? Why is there blood on my legs? Wait… seriously time out! WHERE ARE MY HOOVES????"

*Fingerprints of Koala Bears are virtually indistinguishable from Human fingerprints. (I feel CSI writers have yet to utilize this enough in their scripts. Imagine this… In Vegas multiple prostitutes are killed by a mystery man. During the same night there is a mass breakout in the local zoo and 50 Koalas are missing in the biggest Koala breakout in history. The Evil Vegas Drug Lord has a top secret bunker in the desert to teach Koalas to let their natural killer instincts take over. The Koalas learn to cruse the strip and when a prostitute waves them over, something switches on in the newly trained Koala brain. Something that says kill!!!! And then the CSIs don't know it’s an evil group of Drug Lord Koala’s until they put one of their own out on the streets to pretend to be a prostitute. Awesome! I would totally watch that show.)

*Rabbits love licorice. (Is this like Tigers hate cinnamon?)

*A Hippo can run faster than a man. (But can they drive a car? Because if they can’t then it is really no biggie that they can run fast because you could always just get in a car and drive past them pointing and calling them a looser.)

*A purring cat isn’t always content. Cats often purr when they are in pain. (Again, What the fuck??? Why would an animal make the same noise to describe such opposite emotions? This is like me smiling and laughing because I am on a Farris Wheel because Farris Wheels are fun and remind me of being a happy go lucky child. A crazy meth head who is also a sadistic rapist sees me and kidnaps me and ties me up and cuts me and beats me and rapes me and what do I do, smile and laugh. I will never look at my parent’s, evidently retarded, cats in the same way ever again.

*Rhinos are in the same family as horses and are thought to have inspired the unicorn myth. (Really? This...

equals this...)


*The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during WWII killed the only Elephant in the Berlin Zoo. (The only Nazi Elephant…)

*A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won’t. (Who did this test??? Was it farmer Joe Bob in Mississippi? “I’ve got this quicksand, and a mule. Oh and I have a donkey… what to do? What to do???")

*A Killer Whale kills sharks by torpedoing up into the sharks stomach from the underneath causing the shark to explode. (I know I’m getting redundant, but WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK????)
A: I really feel bad for the shark because I feel that once you are large enough to be a satisfying meal for a Killer Whale you are pretty convinced you are at the top of the food chain, so SURPRISE DUMMIE SHARK!!!
B: Why wasn’t this ever a part of the Shamu Show at Sea World???
C: “Causing the shark to explode”!!!!!! Isn’t there a better way to say this? A more scientific way? A more humane way? This has got to be a pretty crappy way to go. This and having your hooves fall off in battle.