Yeah… hospital week is done. I actually have another story, but I think I’m going to save it for later. As funny as it is, no stomach pumping story is going to beat “The worst, most awkward, most embarrassing story of my life”. In all reality I’m still sort of emotionally exhausted from that post. When Boyfriend got home yesterday our conversation went something like this…
Me: “I need to tell you something.”
Boyfriend: “What?”
Me: “It’s what I blogged about today and it’s kinda embarrassing…”
Boyfriend: “More embarrassing than the time you wanted Joe Boxer smiley face shorts and see through white track pants?”
Me: “Totally.”
Boyfriend: “More embarrassing that the time you quoted Ian Malcolm from Jurassic Park in your Project Runway Recap?”
Me: “It was Ian Malcolm from The Lost World, and yes.”
Boyfriend: “More embarrassing…”
Me: “YES! I get it. I’m an embarrassing, awkward nerd.”
Boyfriend: “This one time in the middle of the night I went to the bathroom and after I washed my hands I accidentally dried them with toilet paper because it was the first thing my hands went to because I was half asleep.”
Me: “That story couldn’t even pick the lint between my story’s toes.”
Boyfriend: “What?”
Me: “Whatever. Listen to this…”
And then I told him the story.
Boyfriend: “So you wrote on your blog about your Pap Smear? Like details? Isn’t that a little… um… gross?”
Me: “I don’t think I made myself clear.”
Boyfriend: “You said ‘fingers inside me’?”
Me: “Well, yeah… But only for comedic affect.”
Boyfriend: “But, were they inside you?”
Me: “Yes, but…”
Boyfriend: “That’s gross.”
Me: “You don’t seem to be concentrating on the most important part of the story.”
Boyfriend: “It’s funny. You karate kicked your doctor. I get it. But can you please be a little less disgusting next time.”
Me: “My doctor getting the bloody nose was the funniest (yet most embarrassing) part of the story.”
Boyfriend: “You know what I mean.”
Me: “Yes sir. Not more ‘fingers inside me’ talk.”
Boyfriend: “Thanks, and your story is pretty F-ing funny.”
Me: “I know, right…”
And, because once upon a time when I started this blog I wanted it to be more and just embarrassing stories of me and a few of my friends, here is the recipe for the cocktail of choice in our home.
The Polish and a Pickle
Ingredients:
1 shot Dripping Springs Vodka (or any other quality Vodka for those who don’t live in central Texas)
1 Polish Pickle
Directions:
Drink the shot of Vodka. Take a bite out of the pickle. Enjoy.
Showing posts with label cocktails. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cocktails. Show all posts
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
If I Write an Embarrassing Story About You, It's Because I Love You...
Best Friend’s wedding was amazing! The Bachelorette Party was fun, silly, and exactly what Best Friend wanted her night with her closest friends and family to be. The Rehearsal Dinner had great food and even better company as friends met family and one family met another family. I cried the entire time during the actual ceremony. My best friend could not have looked more beautiful. My favorite part was when her father sang Avi Maria while she and her new husband placed roses at the feet of the Virgin. I love all of Best Friend’s family and her father has always been a second father to me, reminding me to say “sir” and “ma’am”, being proud of my accomplishments, and chastising me when I’ve made mistakes. I met Best Friend when her father worked two, sometimes three, jobs to give her and her siblings everything they wanted and deserved. They have an amazing relationship of respect and love and I know him singing from the choir of the gorgeous Catholic Cathedral they were married in is something she will never forget... And the reception… pretty much the greatest party ever!!! It was complete with funny toasts, yummy food, amazing cakes, awesome wedding band, and dancing all night long. Thanks to Best Friend and Best Friend’s Husband for allowing me to be a part of their special day.
All of the wedding events allowed me to spend time with friends I don’t always get to see and meet new friends who I hope to get to know even more. I can’t tell you how awesome it was to hear from so many of you that you are reading my blog and that you like it. Seriously, it totally makes my day. I work a job that has zero creative factors, and the hour or two I spend writing just lets me open that other side of my brain. Again, thank y’all so much.
And the stories… just hanging around new people and friends from the past brought up so many stories I need to turn into blog posts. So many embarrassing nights and hilarious events, so many stories to post in cyber space so I will never forget how weird and awkward I am and what great friends I have.
And now, one of those stories...
Besides Best Friend, who I have known since seventh grade, Davis Girl definitely knows me the best. Although we went to High School together (for our freshmen year and our senior year) we didn’t really become close friends until we lived together for three years in college. I’m pretty sure when you live with someone in your early twenties you either become lifelong friends or you that person ends up on your shit list. Davis Girl, narrowly escaped the shit list route because we moved out into our own places just as it was becoming way too hard to keep living with someone so anal and a little OCD. (My side of the story… Davis Girl will have to start her own blog if she wants people to hear about my awful hygiene habits.)
One time in college our other roommate and I convinced Davis Girl to take her top of in the car driving to get tacos at 2 in the morning. Since she was 21 and drunk, of course she was all for it. So here is the scene… Boy roommate’s bright blue late nineties mustang, Davis Girl is in the front passenger seat and I’m sitting behind her in the back. Sober Boy Roommate is driving. Things that had already happened this night… Davis Girl wore her science lab goggles for a good while at the bar. It was definitely a Toodies kind of night. (You know those nights you can’t hear Possum Kingdom enough… well we had those nights and this was one of them) Oh, and then she danced on a bar… but she did that a lot so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Anyway we are driving maybe three miles down the road and Boy Roommate and I convince Davis Girl it would be so hilarious if she took her shirt off and rode to the taco stand topless. (Yeah, I know we are just too funny.) Davis Girl, or Davis Girl’s Tequila Aided Mind decided this was a good idea, so off came her top. Now we’re on a side street about .75 miles from our house, Boy Roommate cranking up the tunes, Davis Girl laughing in her nakedness, and me… just along for the ride and yummy trailer food when all the sudden I hear a siren over Bob Schneider and see flashing lights when I turn around. Yup, we are being pulled over. I start cracking up. Really this situation was too much for my alcohol having brain. I could not stop laughing because for the first time in my life… at least the first time I could remember, something embarrassing was happening to someone other than me and I wouldn't even be the one getting a ticket. I wasn’t too worried for Old Roommate because A: he really wasn’t drunk (I promise I’m not just typing that because my parents might read this) and B: we were on a small side road. I mean how much over the speed limit can you really go down a road with speed bumps at 2 AM?
As soon as Davis Girl’s drunk face realizes what it happening she panics!!! (Okay stop. Time out. I think I need to explain the shirt she decided to wear that night because God totally loves me. I actually help Davis Girl pick it out from Ann Taylor where I worked at the time. I think the fact that the shirt was from The AT makes this story even better. It was bright teal and had spaghetti straps. Not two straps. Not four straps. Not six straps. But eight mother f-ing spaghetti straps!!! Four straps started on each side of the shoulder and crisscrossed in the back creating a virtual web of confusion. Seriously, when she wore it I half expected “Some Pig” to be written across her back. These death trap straps plus the built in shelf bra made a Bachelor Degree required to figure out how to put this ridiculous piece of fashion on. Okay. Time in.) Davis Girl goes from giggling about her situation to full on panic mode in about 3.1 seconds. Just long enough to look down at her naked tatas and realise that being topless when the cop gets to the car might... maybe... could sorta... be a bad thing.
3.1 seconds later...
Davis Girl: "Help. Shit. Help. Wait. Cop. Shit. Cop. Help."
Boy Roommate: "Dude, put your shirt back on right now!!!"
Me: "Hahahahahaha. Oh Davis Girl... your shirt. You've got to cover those glorious boobies..."
Davis Girl: "I'm trying..."
The thing is I was cracking up in the back seat, but Davis Girl was really trying to put on that evil shirt of death. She couldn't help it that she was trashed and she didn't have a Bachelor of Arts in Obnoxious Shirt Wearing. At this point the cop has pulled over and parked behind us on the side of the road...
Boy Roommate: "Davis Girl I swear to God you are going to get me a ticket. Put on your fucking shirt!!!"
Davis Girl: "I'm trying..."
Me: "Here let me help you." (Because two drunk people trying to dress someone in the Impossible Rubik's Cube tank top is totally going to make the process easier.)
6 seconds later...
Boy Roommate: "You have 2 second before I have to roll down this window and talk to a law enforcer and I'm not going to jail because you can't dress yourself the way every 5 year old does every morning."
Davis Girl: "I got it... I got it..." (yeah... she didn't)
The cop came to Boy Roommates window, leaned in and this is what he saw...
I have to give it to her, one side of the shirt was almost put on correctly. The other side however... not so much. Straps were going everywhere and her arm was stuck in one of them so she had to hold her arm up or have that side of the top fall down completely. So the entire time the cop was at Boy Roommate's rolled down window Davis Girl is trying extremely hard to play off the fact that she can't put her arm down by leaning against the window. Yeah... the cop's first question, "Sir, Have you been drinking???"
Boy Roommate: "I swear I haven't, but I can't speak for these two."
Me: (snickersnicker...gigglegiggle)
Davis Girl: (headrub)
The cop was probably at the window for about five minutes. I think he thought it was just as funny. It turned out that Boy Roommate didn't have his lights on fully, but on the fog setting, so the cop just wanted to let him know to turn them up. Right before he was about to get back into his squad car and leave our lives forever, he leaned froward to speak to Davis Girl...
Cop: "Ma'am you really need to put your seat belt on."
Me: "Hahahahahah"
Davis Girl: "Um... Ah... Yes Sir?"
(Now go back a look at the picture. Her right arm and hand are the ones right next to the seat belt, but she can't move those or her top will fall down and the cop will get an eye full of Davis Girl Lady Parts.) Davis Girl then spends the next few seconds trying to reach over her body to find the seat belt that is behind her arm she can't move. OMG Hilarious!!! The cop just chuckled to himself and walked away.
By the way: I swear my life doesn't revolve around tacos.
Second by the way: I have removed the older post about Boyfriend's weird stomach as he let me know the world doesn't need to know about his digestive system. To Boyfriend: I'm very sorry to put your tummy woes on the web and I apologise. Love you."
All of the wedding events allowed me to spend time with friends I don’t always get to see and meet new friends who I hope to get to know even more. I can’t tell you how awesome it was to hear from so many of you that you are reading my blog and that you like it. Seriously, it totally makes my day. I work a job that has zero creative factors, and the hour or two I spend writing just lets me open that other side of my brain. Again, thank y’all so much.
And the stories… just hanging around new people and friends from the past brought up so many stories I need to turn into blog posts. So many embarrassing nights and hilarious events, so many stories to post in cyber space so I will never forget how weird and awkward I am and what great friends I have.
And now, one of those stories...
Besides Best Friend, who I have known since seventh grade, Davis Girl definitely knows me the best. Although we went to High School together (for our freshmen year and our senior year) we didn’t really become close friends until we lived together for three years in college. I’m pretty sure when you live with someone in your early twenties you either become lifelong friends or you that person ends up on your shit list. Davis Girl, narrowly escaped the shit list route because we moved out into our own places just as it was becoming way too hard to keep living with someone so anal and a little OCD. (My side of the story… Davis Girl will have to start her own blog if she wants people to hear about my awful hygiene habits.)
One time in college our other roommate and I convinced Davis Girl to take her top of in the car driving to get tacos at 2 in the morning. Since she was 21 and drunk, of course she was all for it. So here is the scene… Boy roommate’s bright blue late nineties mustang, Davis Girl is in the front passenger seat and I’m sitting behind her in the back. Sober Boy Roommate is driving. Things that had already happened this night… Davis Girl wore her science lab goggles for a good while at the bar. It was definitely a Toodies kind of night. (You know those nights you can’t hear Possum Kingdom enough… well we had those nights and this was one of them) Oh, and then she danced on a bar… but she did that a lot so it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Anyway we are driving maybe three miles down the road and Boy Roommate and I convince Davis Girl it would be so hilarious if she took her shirt off and rode to the taco stand topless. (Yeah, I know we are just too funny.) Davis Girl, or Davis Girl’s Tequila Aided Mind decided this was a good idea, so off came her top. Now we’re on a side street about .75 miles from our house, Boy Roommate cranking up the tunes, Davis Girl laughing in her nakedness, and me… just along for the ride and yummy trailer food when all the sudden I hear a siren over Bob Schneider and see flashing lights when I turn around. Yup, we are being pulled over. I start cracking up. Really this situation was too much for my alcohol having brain. I could not stop laughing because for the first time in my life… at least the first time I could remember, something embarrassing was happening to someone other than me and I wouldn't even be the one getting a ticket. I wasn’t too worried for Old Roommate because A: he really wasn’t drunk (I promise I’m not just typing that because my parents might read this) and B: we were on a small side road. I mean how much over the speed limit can you really go down a road with speed bumps at 2 AM?
As soon as Davis Girl’s drunk face realizes what it happening she panics!!! (Okay stop. Time out. I think I need to explain the shirt she decided to wear that night because God totally loves me. I actually help Davis Girl pick it out from Ann Taylor where I worked at the time. I think the fact that the shirt was from The AT makes this story even better. It was bright teal and had spaghetti straps. Not two straps. Not four straps. Not six straps. But eight mother f-ing spaghetti straps!!! Four straps started on each side of the shoulder and crisscrossed in the back creating a virtual web of confusion. Seriously, when she wore it I half expected “Some Pig” to be written across her back. These death trap straps plus the built in shelf bra made a Bachelor Degree required to figure out how to put this ridiculous piece of fashion on. Okay. Time in.) Davis Girl goes from giggling about her situation to full on panic mode in about 3.1 seconds. Just long enough to look down at her naked tatas and realise that being topless when the cop gets to the car might... maybe... could sorta... be a bad thing.
3.1 seconds later...
Davis Girl: "Help. Shit. Help. Wait. Cop. Shit. Cop. Help."
Boy Roommate: "Dude, put your shirt back on right now!!!"
Me: "Hahahahahaha. Oh Davis Girl... your shirt. You've got to cover those glorious boobies..."
Davis Girl: "I'm trying..."
The thing is I was cracking up in the back seat, but Davis Girl was really trying to put on that evil shirt of death. She couldn't help it that she was trashed and she didn't have a Bachelor of Arts in Obnoxious Shirt Wearing. At this point the cop has pulled over and parked behind us on the side of the road...
Boy Roommate: "Davis Girl I swear to God you are going to get me a ticket. Put on your fucking shirt!!!"
Davis Girl: "I'm trying..."
Me: "Here let me help you." (Because two drunk people trying to dress someone in the Impossible Rubik's Cube tank top is totally going to make the process easier.)
6 seconds later...
Boy Roommate: "You have 2 second before I have to roll down this window and talk to a law enforcer and I'm not going to jail because you can't dress yourself the way every 5 year old does every morning."
Davis Girl: "I got it... I got it..." (yeah... she didn't)
The cop came to Boy Roommates window, leaned in and this is what he saw...
I have to give it to her, one side of the shirt was almost put on correctly. The other side however... not so much. Straps were going everywhere and her arm was stuck in one of them so she had to hold her arm up or have that side of the top fall down completely. So the entire time the cop was at Boy Roommate's rolled down window Davis Girl is trying extremely hard to play off the fact that she can't put her arm down by leaning against the window. Yeah... the cop's first question, "Sir, Have you been drinking???"
Boy Roommate: "I swear I haven't, but I can't speak for these two."
Me: (snickersnicker...gigglegiggle)
Davis Girl: (headrub)
The cop was probably at the window for about five minutes. I think he thought it was just as funny. It turned out that Boy Roommate didn't have his lights on fully, but on the fog setting, so the cop just wanted to let him know to turn them up. Right before he was about to get back into his squad car and leave our lives forever, he leaned froward to speak to Davis Girl...
Cop: "Ma'am you really need to put your seat belt on."
Me: "Hahahahahah"
Davis Girl: "Um... Ah... Yes Sir?"
(Now go back a look at the picture. Her right arm and hand are the ones right next to the seat belt, but she can't move those or her top will fall down and the cop will get an eye full of Davis Girl Lady Parts.) Davis Girl then spends the next few seconds trying to reach over her body to find the seat belt that is behind her arm she can't move. OMG Hilarious!!! The cop just chuckled to himself and walked away.
By the way: I swear my life doesn't revolve around tacos.
Second by the way: I have removed the older post about Boyfriend's weird stomach as he let me know the world doesn't need to know about his digestive system. To Boyfriend: I'm very sorry to put your tummy woes on the web and I apologise. Love you."
Monday, August 2, 2010
True story in which Boyfriend tries (unsuccessfully) to defend my honor...
One quick thing before today’s post… Hi Mom and Dad. Evidently my parents have been reading this blog secretly. Now, I have no problem with my parents enjoying embarrassing stories about myself, or laughing out loud wondering how they every produced me. But secretly laughing at me??? WFT Mom and Dad. I know I’m not the golden child that calls home EVERY SINGLE DAY (yeah… that’s the type of older sister I have), but we talk on a pretty regular basis, and Dad even has a Facebook account. Make yourself known and bring it up in conversation, or leave a note on my wall, or FOLLOW MY BLOG AND COMMENT!!! Let’s see some support from the parental units.
Boyfriend and I drove down to San Antonio this past weekend to spend some time with my parents. They built a beautiful new pool this summer and Saturday was spent floating, playing Horse with a volleyball because the basketball wouldn’t inflate properly, and just lounging in the sun. It was perfect. That night Mom, Boyfriend, and I were chatting in the living room before bed and Boyfriend brought up this story. I immediately started cracking up because I had forgotten all about it, and knew I had to blog about it on Monday. So here you all are… The Time Boyfriend Stood Up For My Honor And Almost Got Beat Up.
Last summer one night Davis Girl and I decided to meet for a drink in the evening. We meet at The Tavern for a few beers and good girl chat. Being the first person there I found a table for two on the second story deck. It was one of the nicer evening last summer (meaning it wasn’t 110 degrees but maybe only 98. 98 plus misters plus cold beer… very cool evening in Austin.) and I went ahead and ordered a picture of beer and two waters. Davis Girl showed up a few minutes later and we quickly fell into our normal routine of storytelling, bitching about work, and Davis Girls talking about whoever Davis Girl was dating. At some point I had to go to the restroom and I excused myself and went. When I came back there was some guy in my seat. I could tell from the look on Davis Girl’s face that he wasn’t invited to sit down by her. When I reached the table he looked a little annoyed but got up and left. Ten minutes later he walked back onto the deck and sat a few tables away from us with another guy friend. Besides a large table of about seven men and women, we were the only tables occupied on the upper deck at the time. After the first picture of beer Davis Girl has to pee too and leaves the table. As soon as she goes inside, both the original guy who took my seat when I left and his friend pull up chairs close to our table and start talking. (I am horrible with names and didn’t remember them two minutes after they introduced themselves but here they will forever be referred to as Some Dude and Ass Hole.)
Davis Girl, Some Dude, Ass Hole, and I get started talking about God knows what. It becomes apparent that Ass Hole is quite a bit drunker than the rest of us. Even after a shot or two there is no way we are going to catch up with this guy anytime soon. Twenty minutes or so later this is what’s happening…
Davis Girl: “And then we look into the beakers and blah, blah, science talk, blah…”
Me: “Students, students, something smart and witty, students…”
Some Dude: “Davis Girl you are so smart… and pretty… and I want to do dirty things it you…”
Ass Hole: “I’m drunk.”
Ass Hole then decides to move the evening along by standing up picking up my giant glass of water that hadn’t been touched because, come on, we had a picture of beer, and pour it in my lap. It was the most nonchalant action ever. Some person might have pointed to the dark clouds in the distance and said something about it raining soon. Ass Hole poured a whole glass of water on me and made a comment about my pants being wet. Thoughts poured (pun totally intended) through my head…
I know I can sometimes be a snarky bitch… what did I say to piss off Ass Hole.
Wait, he just poured water on me… on a girl… WFT Ass Hole???
Quick think of something smart… think of something clever… quick say something…
“What? Water… Me… Pour… Pants… Ass Hole…” I hate that in times of confrontation I turn into a stuttering second grader with a dirty mouth.
Davis Girl: “What the Fuck you Ass Hole? Who do you think you are? What kind of man pours water on a lady? Where were you raised because this is Texas and people know better and have better manners here?” Turning to Some Dude… “You need to get your friend out of here right now. He is drunk and a complete dick and…(so on and so on…)”
Davis Girl is one of those girls who not only could, but would probably like to kick some butt in a bar. I feel like everyone should have a friend who knows how to fight and stand up for you. I am totally not that friend. I would get hurt and I don’t like pain. Davis girl is that friend and totally has my back. Maybe one day I’ll blog about the time she almost got into a fist fight with the one black girl in our high school over a PT Cruiser in McDonald’s parking lot senior year. It’s epic.
Some Dude and Ass Hole quickly leave. (Like I said Davis Girl is scary) A girl from the only other table occupied on the deck comes over with some extra napkins shaking her head and making comments like, “how dare he” and “Who the Hell does he think he is…” I clean up, which wasn’t hard because I had come from work and was wearing black triacetate Ann Taylor pants which are practically waterproof. Davis Girl and I pay the bill and as we’re walking to our cars the whole ridiculousness and absurdity gets to us and we start cracking up. We both sit down on the curb and laugh about how crap like this would happen to me. We aren’t ready to call it a night and go home so Davis Girl suggests we drive a mile down Lamar to The Saloon, another neighborhood bar.
As I am in my car following Davis Girl, I call Boyfriend to invite him to meet us at The Saloon for a drink.
Boyfriend: I thought you were going to The Tavern?
Me: We had to leave The Tavern.
Boyfriend: What do you mean? Why?
Me: (tell him long story…) blah, blah, blah, Ass Hole, Blah, water in lap.
Boyfriend: WFT???
Me: blah, blah, blah, Ass Hole, Blah, Water in…
Boyfriend: I head you the first time, but why would he do that?
Me: I don’t know… I swear I didn’t say anything either!!!
Boyfriend: What was his name?
Me: I can’t remember
Boyfriend: Well, what did he look like?
Me: Um… he had dark hair… and was wearing a red polo shirt… yeah… pretty sure it was a red and black strip polo shirt… Why?
Boyfriend: No reason… Sure I would love to meet you and Davis Girl. I just have to stop by the house to change clothes first.
Me: Okay. See you in a bit. Bye.
Davis Girl and I get to The Saloon and order new drinks. It’s busy and we end up sitting on the curb outside waiting for a table to open and Boyfriend to arrive. As much as we try to go back to bitching about work we just keep reminiscing about the “water in lap” incident. 30 Minutes later Boyfriend arrives, goes straight to the bar and orders a stiff drink. When he comes outside to great us this is what he says,
Boyfriend: I went to The Tavern to defend your honor but I threw water on the wrong guy so I don’t think I worked.
Me: hu?
Boyfriend then tells me this story… “I really didn’t have to go home and change and I was already on my way to meet y’all at The Tavern. You told me what the guy looked like so I was just going to drop in and see if he was still there. Yeah, I know you said he left but I figured maybe they just went inside or down stairs to get away from you two. I walked outside on the upper deck and I saw him. Brown headed dude in a red striped polo shirt. My first thought was “oh shit, he’s still here” but it quickly turned to “what should I do now???” I didn’t think the guy would actually still be there but he was and I had to make a decision. So I went back inside to the bar, ordered a large ice water, walked back outside, taped the guy on his shoulder, and when he turned around I said “Next time you’ll think twice about throwing water on other people’s girlfriends.” And I poured the entire glass of water down the front of his shirt.”
OMG.
I love my boyfriend.
Please imagine this… you are sitting calmly with your group of friends having a few beers at the bar. You see some random chick get water thrown on (yes this was the same group that occupied the only other table on the deck) and thirty minutes later some crazy lunatic is pouring water all over you like some insane minister baptizing the whole bar. I would have paid a large amount of money to be a fly on the wall and witnessed this. Duh, the guy from the large group was pissed that Boyfriend had just emptied his giant cup of revenge onto his new GAP polo. He stands up, pushes Boyfriend, and takes a punch. Now, anyone who knows Boyfriend knows A: he’s not a fighter and B: he is shifty and fast as Hell (you should see him play water volleyball). Boyfriend just barely leans back enough to miss having his nose broken while the other guy’s friends hold him back and try to explain to Boyfriend what happened.
Five minutes later random group of people including “innocent guy who got water thrown on him” and Boyfriend were all taking shots together and laughing... yup, Boyfriend is that guy. He’s the guy that can make lifelong friends in five minute, even after pouring water on an innocent guy at the bar. On the other hand, I’m the girl that gets water thrown on her with no apology. But, then again I’m the girl whose boyfriend tries to defend her honor, which is kinda awesome…. Wash.
Boyfriend and I drove down to San Antonio this past weekend to spend some time with my parents. They built a beautiful new pool this summer and Saturday was spent floating, playing Horse with a volleyball because the basketball wouldn’t inflate properly, and just lounging in the sun. It was perfect. That night Mom, Boyfriend, and I were chatting in the living room before bed and Boyfriend brought up this story. I immediately started cracking up because I had forgotten all about it, and knew I had to blog about it on Monday. So here you all are… The Time Boyfriend Stood Up For My Honor And Almost Got Beat Up.
Last summer one night Davis Girl and I decided to meet for a drink in the evening. We meet at The Tavern for a few beers and good girl chat. Being the first person there I found a table for two on the second story deck. It was one of the nicer evening last summer (meaning it wasn’t 110 degrees but maybe only 98. 98 plus misters plus cold beer… very cool evening in Austin.) and I went ahead and ordered a picture of beer and two waters. Davis Girl showed up a few minutes later and we quickly fell into our normal routine of storytelling, bitching about work, and Davis Girls talking about whoever Davis Girl was dating. At some point I had to go to the restroom and I excused myself and went. When I came back there was some guy in my seat. I could tell from the look on Davis Girl’s face that he wasn’t invited to sit down by her. When I reached the table he looked a little annoyed but got up and left. Ten minutes later he walked back onto the deck and sat a few tables away from us with another guy friend. Besides a large table of about seven men and women, we were the only tables occupied on the upper deck at the time. After the first picture of beer Davis Girl has to pee too and leaves the table. As soon as she goes inside, both the original guy who took my seat when I left and his friend pull up chairs close to our table and start talking. (I am horrible with names and didn’t remember them two minutes after they introduced themselves but here they will forever be referred to as Some Dude and Ass Hole.)
Davis Girl, Some Dude, Ass Hole, and I get started talking about God knows what. It becomes apparent that Ass Hole is quite a bit drunker than the rest of us. Even after a shot or two there is no way we are going to catch up with this guy anytime soon. Twenty minutes or so later this is what’s happening…
Davis Girl: “And then we look into the beakers and blah, blah, science talk, blah…”
Me: “Students, students, something smart and witty, students…”
Some Dude: “Davis Girl you are so smart… and pretty… and I want to do dirty things it you…”
Ass Hole: “I’m drunk.”
Ass Hole then decides to move the evening along by standing up picking up my giant glass of water that hadn’t been touched because, come on, we had a picture of beer, and pour it in my lap. It was the most nonchalant action ever. Some person might have pointed to the dark clouds in the distance and said something about it raining soon. Ass Hole poured a whole glass of water on me and made a comment about my pants being wet. Thoughts poured (pun totally intended) through my head…
I know I can sometimes be a snarky bitch… what did I say to piss off Ass Hole.
Wait, he just poured water on me… on a girl… WFT Ass Hole???
Quick think of something smart… think of something clever… quick say something…
“What? Water… Me… Pour… Pants… Ass Hole…” I hate that in times of confrontation I turn into a stuttering second grader with a dirty mouth.
Davis Girl: “What the Fuck you Ass Hole? Who do you think you are? What kind of man pours water on a lady? Where were you raised because this is Texas and people know better and have better manners here?” Turning to Some Dude… “You need to get your friend out of here right now. He is drunk and a complete dick and…(so on and so on…)”
Davis Girl is one of those girls who not only could, but would probably like to kick some butt in a bar. I feel like everyone should have a friend who knows how to fight and stand up for you. I am totally not that friend. I would get hurt and I don’t like pain. Davis girl is that friend and totally has my back. Maybe one day I’ll blog about the time she almost got into a fist fight with the one black girl in our high school over a PT Cruiser in McDonald’s parking lot senior year. It’s epic.
Some Dude and Ass Hole quickly leave. (Like I said Davis Girl is scary) A girl from the only other table occupied on the deck comes over with some extra napkins shaking her head and making comments like, “how dare he” and “Who the Hell does he think he is…” I clean up, which wasn’t hard because I had come from work and was wearing black triacetate Ann Taylor pants which are practically waterproof. Davis Girl and I pay the bill and as we’re walking to our cars the whole ridiculousness and absurdity gets to us and we start cracking up. We both sit down on the curb and laugh about how crap like this would happen to me. We aren’t ready to call it a night and go home so Davis Girl suggests we drive a mile down Lamar to The Saloon, another neighborhood bar.
As I am in my car following Davis Girl, I call Boyfriend to invite him to meet us at The Saloon for a drink.
Boyfriend: I thought you were going to The Tavern?
Me: We had to leave The Tavern.
Boyfriend: What do you mean? Why?
Me: (tell him long story…) blah, blah, blah, Ass Hole, Blah, water in lap.
Boyfriend: WFT???
Me: blah, blah, blah, Ass Hole, Blah, Water in…
Boyfriend: I head you the first time, but why would he do that?
Me: I don’t know… I swear I didn’t say anything either!!!
Boyfriend: What was his name?
Me: I can’t remember
Boyfriend: Well, what did he look like?
Me: Um… he had dark hair… and was wearing a red polo shirt… yeah… pretty sure it was a red and black strip polo shirt… Why?
Boyfriend: No reason… Sure I would love to meet you and Davis Girl. I just have to stop by the house to change clothes first.
Me: Okay. See you in a bit. Bye.
Davis Girl and I get to The Saloon and order new drinks. It’s busy and we end up sitting on the curb outside waiting for a table to open and Boyfriend to arrive. As much as we try to go back to bitching about work we just keep reminiscing about the “water in lap” incident. 30 Minutes later Boyfriend arrives, goes straight to the bar and orders a stiff drink. When he comes outside to great us this is what he says,
Boyfriend: I went to The Tavern to defend your honor but I threw water on the wrong guy so I don’t think I worked.
Me: hu?
Boyfriend then tells me this story… “I really didn’t have to go home and change and I was already on my way to meet y’all at The Tavern. You told me what the guy looked like so I was just going to drop in and see if he was still there. Yeah, I know you said he left but I figured maybe they just went inside or down stairs to get away from you two. I walked outside on the upper deck and I saw him. Brown headed dude in a red striped polo shirt. My first thought was “oh shit, he’s still here” but it quickly turned to “what should I do now???” I didn’t think the guy would actually still be there but he was and I had to make a decision. So I went back inside to the bar, ordered a large ice water, walked back outside, taped the guy on his shoulder, and when he turned around I said “Next time you’ll think twice about throwing water on other people’s girlfriends.” And I poured the entire glass of water down the front of his shirt.”
OMG.
I love my boyfriend.
Please imagine this… you are sitting calmly with your group of friends having a few beers at the bar. You see some random chick get water thrown on (yes this was the same group that occupied the only other table on the deck) and thirty minutes later some crazy lunatic is pouring water all over you like some insane minister baptizing the whole bar. I would have paid a large amount of money to be a fly on the wall and witnessed this. Duh, the guy from the large group was pissed that Boyfriend had just emptied his giant cup of revenge onto his new GAP polo. He stands up, pushes Boyfriend, and takes a punch. Now, anyone who knows Boyfriend knows A: he’s not a fighter and B: he is shifty and fast as Hell (you should see him play water volleyball). Boyfriend just barely leans back enough to miss having his nose broken while the other guy’s friends hold him back and try to explain to Boyfriend what happened.
Five minutes later random group of people including “innocent guy who got water thrown on him” and Boyfriend were all taking shots together and laughing... yup, Boyfriend is that guy. He’s the guy that can make lifelong friends in five minute, even after pouring water on an innocent guy at the bar. On the other hand, I’m the girl that gets water thrown on her with no apology. But, then again I’m the girl whose boyfriend tries to defend her honor, which is kinda awesome…. Wash.
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