When I Broke My Foot at the Happiest Place on Earth (No Not Disney World)... Okay the 2nd Happiest Place on Earth...

I’ve decided that after yesterday’s post this week will be all about hospitals. Won’t that be fun? Trust me I won’t write about the one time I almost could have maybe died Sophomore year of college because I had Meningitis (viral not the killer bacteria) and the school clinic I went to on Saturday morning told me I had the flu when really I could have been dying with Meningitis (because no one knew that I didn’t have the killer bacterial kind.) Then when I almost (maybe sorta) died Saturday night I had to make my Ex-Boyfriend (yeah the one with the snakes) take me to the hospital. Then four hours later when my parents arrived from San Antonio evidently my father took Ex-Boyfriend aside and was all, “Thank you for saving our daughters life. We are lucky she has you.” WFT!!! Ex-boyfriend told me that two weeks later and I only nodded but deep down I couldn’t believe he had taken this complement from my sweet, trusting father when he did nothing but drive me .3 miles to the hospital after I called him to help me save my own life!!! See that story isn’t really funny, so I won’t go into it.

But the time I broke my foot at Shlitterbahn… hilarious!

First things first. For you reader who have never been or never heard of Schlitterbahn let me explain to you the awesomeness that is the “hottest, coolest time in Texas”. Schlitterbahn is a family owned water park in New Braunfels, Texas. It has on numerous occasions been voted the best family water park in this country. (Yeah, it’s that good.) The original side of the park, it has two sides now, uses only water pumped from the Comal River. The water is used, sans chemicals, then dumped back into the river. One of the greatest things about Schlitterbahn is when you buy an admissions ticket you can then bring in as many coolers and as much food as you want. This means that after five hours of water slides, wave pools, and water-coasters you don’t have to pay 12 dollars for a turkey leg. Oh, and central Texas has a large German community, hence Schlitterbahn or “slippery road”.

So pretty much in an area where the nearest beach is at least a four hour drive, Schlitterbahn is the greatest thing ever in the 100+ degree Texas summer heat. Davis Girl, Boy Roommate, Old AT Co-Worker, and I decided to go on a Monday to avoid some of the crazy lines and annoying families. It was a great day. We rode lots of rides and slid down lots of slides. At about 3, Davis Girl reminded us that she needed to go back to where we parked our cooler and re apply sunscreen because she is all white and transparent. At this point we were on the other side of the park and it would take us about 20 minutes or so to get back to Camp Cooler. I don’t think any of us wanted to go, but we all took one for the team and decided to walk back with Davis Girl. After all no one wants a friend with skin cancer. So we walked all of twenty steps until we get distracted by this…
Han’s Hideout.

This is pretty much the kiddy pirate ship ride of the park. It’s made to be climbed on by seven year olds, so of course we thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread. There were different levels and platforms and each had buckets of water to dump on people and guns to shot water at people. Again, awesome. Then at the very top of the ship there were two slides, side by side, to race your friend to the bottom… you’re seven year old friend.

So, we get to the top and Davis Girl and Old AT Co-Worker pick a slide and race each other to the bottom. Once they are on their way, Boy Roommate and I step into place to take our turns. Now, everyone who has ever been to a water park knows that you have to wait for the employee at the top of the slide to give you okay to start your own wild ride to the bottom. I step up into “next rider position”, and immediately turn to the fifteen year old in the red tank top to give me the okay to slide. He looks me in the eye and… yes this happened… winks. Now I’m all hopped up on adrenalin, all excited to beat Boy Roommate down the slide, and I take this wink as, “Hey, Girl. Go ahead and slide down this awesome pirate ship water slide, and while you’re at it, beat this dude to your left. You can take him. Go for it.” So I go. Evidently I was suppose to take this wink as, “Hey, Girl. You’re a little hottie. I know you are probably at least five years older than me and some people might call you a statutory rapist, but I think you and me could have a little something, something going on. Oh, and you shouldn’t go down the slide yet.” So I’m going down the slide. I’m having the time of my life… well not so much. I mean it’s a cool slide and all, but it was designed for seven year olds. Anyways, 10 seconds later I round the last turn in the slide and BAM!!!! I run right into Old AT Co-Worker’s head. Actually my left foot runs right into Old AT Co-Workers head. Like this…

Now I was not expecting to slide into my friend’s noggin so my first thoughts and reactions were of complete shock and bewilderment. I mean I was having fun, sliding down the water slide, and then POW Old AT Co-Workers head. Something didn’t add up. Very quickly the lifeguard at the bottom of the pirate ship was all up in my personal space asking me why the heck I was running into the nice young man who was sliding before me. Honest to God the first thought that ran through my head was, “Wow I’m really fast. I totally beat Boy Roommate down the slide.” Then I hear shouting coming from the employee at the top of the ship, “Why did you go? I didn’t tell you to go!”

Davis Girl: “Wow Lemon Lady you can’t just go whenever you want to go.”

Boy Roommate: “Dude, cheating doesn’t count. You didn’t beat me.”

Old AT Co-Worker: “My head is fine, but really you should have waited till the guy said you could go.”

Lifeguard at the Bottom: “Ma’am you must wait to be signaled to ride our rides.”

Me: “The guy totally gave me the okay!!! We can go ask him.”

As I am finishing this last sentence I try to stand up.

Me: “OOOAAACCHHHH!!!!”

Then I looked down and saw this…

Yeah, in the 45 seconds we had all been arguing about whether I had the right away to slide down the pirate ship of death a golf ball sized lump had appeared on my foot and I couldn’t put any weight on it.

Lifeguard at the Bottom: “Oh, man. Do you think it’s broken?”

Me: “It hurts…”

Davis Girl: “We need to get you to first aid.”

Me: “What the F is under my skin???”

Boy Roommate then picks me up and carries me in his arms across the park to the first aid station with mothers giving me the evil eye and whispering to their children, “See that’s what happens to you when you don’t follow the rules.”

The people at the first aid station then force me to sign a paper saying I won’t sue their asses before they would give me an ice pack for my foot. Then they put me in a wheelchair and made me sit out in front of the park why everyone else in my party goes and fetched the coolers and cars. I sat there for almost thirty minutes why eighth graders talked about the “poor, pathetic girl in the wheelchair” and “Why would anyone in a wheelchair want to spend the day at a water park.” I hate kids.

After spending thirty minutes driving around looking for an open clinic in New Braunfels, we decided to just drive back home to Austin. We ended up in the same Emergency Room I had been to eight months prior when I had Meningitis. Except this time I really wasn’t dying so I got to wait four hours to see a doctor. Surprisingly, I was in a very good mode (and this was even before the doctor gave me Vicodin). This tragic accident had happened in the afternoon, so we had practically had a full day at Schlitterbahn, Davis Girl had came and went with food for herself so she wasn’t a crazy bitch (you know those people who can’t function without a high blood sugar level) and we got to have wheelchair races in the hospital hallways.

Then I found out my foot was broken, and it would remain broken for the rest of summer. FU Schlitterbahn and the evil German family that invented you.

If I Write an Embarrassing Story About You, It's Because I Love You...

Best Friend’s wedding was amazing! The Bachelorette Party was fun, silly, and exactly what Best Friend wanted her night with her closest friends and family to be. The Rehearsal Dinner had great food and even better company as friends met family and one family met another family. I cried the entire time during the actual ceremony. My best friend could not have looked more beautiful. My favorite part was when her father sang Avi Maria while she and her new husband placed roses at the feet of the Virgin. I love all of Best Friend’s family and her father has always been a second father to me, reminding me to say “sir” and “ma’am”, being proud of my accomplishments, and chastising me when I’ve made mistakes. I met Best Friend when her father worked two, sometimes three, jobs to give her and her siblings everything they wanted and deserved. They have an amazing relationship of respect and love and I know him singing from the choir of the gorgeous Catholic Cathedral they were married in is something she will never forget... And the reception… pretty much the greatest party ever!!! It was complete with funny toasts, yummy food, amazing cakes, awesome wedding band, and dancing all night long. Thanks to Best Friend and Best Friend’s Husband for allowing me to be a part of their special day.

All of the wedding events allowed me to spend time with friends I don’t always get to see and meet new friends who I hope to get to know even more. I can’t tell you how awesome it was to hear from so many of you that you are reading my blog and that you like it. Seriously, it totally makes my day. I work a job that has zero creative factors, and the hour or two I spend writing just lets me open that other side of my brain. Again, thank y’all so much.

And the stories… just hanging around new people and friends from the past brought up so many stories I need to turn into blog posts. So many embarrassing nights and hilarious events, so many stories to post in cyber space so I will never forget how weird and awkward I am and what great friends I have.

And now, one of those stories...

Besides Best Friend, who I have known since seventh grade, Davis Girl definitely knows me the best. Although we went to High School together (for our freshmen year and our senior year) we didn’t really become close friends until we lived together for three years in college. I’m pretty sure when you live with someone in your early twenties you either become lifelong friends or you that person ends up on your shit list. Davis Girl, narrowly escaped the shit list route because we moved out into our own places just as it was becoming way too hard to keep living with someone so anal and a little OCD. (My side of the story… Davis Girl will have to start her own blog if she wants people to hear about my awful hygiene habits.)

One time in college our other roommate and I convinced Davis Girl to take her top of in the car driving to get tacos at 2 in the morning. Since she was 21 and drunk, of course she was all for it. So here is the scene… Boy roommate’s bright blue late nineties mustang, Davis Girl is in the front passenger seat and I’m sitting behind her in the back. Sober Boy Roommate is driving. Things that had already happened this night… Davis Girl wore her science lab goggles for a good while at the bar. It was definitely a Toodies kind of night. (You know those nights you can’t hear Possum Kingdom enough… well we had those nights and this was one of them) Oh, and then she danced on a bar… but she did that a lot so it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Anyway we are driving maybe three miles down the road and Boy Roommate and I convince Davis Girl it would be so hilarious if she took her shirt off and rode to the taco stand topless. (Yeah, I know we are just too funny.) Davis Girl, or Davis Girl’s Tequila Aided Mind decided this was a good idea, so off came her top. Now we’re on a side street about .75 miles from our house, Boy Roommate cranking up the tunes, Davis Girl laughing in her nakedness, and me… just along for the ride and yummy trailer food when all the sudden I hear a siren over Bob Schneider and see flashing lights when I turn around. Yup, we are being pulled over. I start cracking up. Really this situation was too much for my alcohol having brain. I could not stop laughing because for the first time in my life… at least the first time I could remember, something embarrassing was happening to someone other than me and I wouldn't even be the one getting a ticket. I wasn’t too worried for Old Roommate because A: he really wasn’t drunk (I promise I’m not just typing that because my parents might read this) and B: we were on a small side road. I mean how much over the speed limit can you really go down a road with speed bumps at 2 AM?

As soon as Davis Girl’s drunk face realizes what it happening she panics!!! (Okay stop. Time out. I think I need to explain the shirt she decided to wear that night because God totally loves me. I actually help Davis Girl pick it out from Ann Taylor where I worked at the time. I think the fact that the shirt was from The AT makes this story even better. It was bright teal and had spaghetti straps. Not two straps. Not four straps. Not six straps. But eight mother f-ing spaghetti straps!!! Four straps started on each side of the shoulder and crisscrossed in the back creating a virtual web of confusion. Seriously, when she wore it I half expected “Some Pig” to be written across her back. These death trap straps plus the built in shelf bra made a Bachelor Degree required to figure out how to put this ridiculous piece of fashion on. Okay. Time in.) Davis Girl goes from giggling about her situation to full on panic mode in about 3.1 seconds. Just long enough to look down at her naked tatas and realise that being topless when the cop gets to the car might... maybe... could sorta... be a bad thing.

3.1 seconds later...

Davis Girl: "Help. Shit. Help. Wait. Cop. Shit. Cop. Help."

Boy Roommate: "Dude, put your shirt back on right now!!!"

Me: "Hahahahahaha. Oh Davis Girl... your shirt. You've got to cover those glorious boobies..."

Davis Girl: "I'm trying..."

The thing is I was cracking up in the back seat, but Davis Girl was really trying to put on that evil shirt of death. She couldn't help it that she was trashed and she didn't have a Bachelor of Arts in Obnoxious Shirt Wearing. At this point the cop has pulled over and parked behind us on the side of the road...

Boy Roommate: "Davis Girl I swear to God you are going to get me a ticket. Put on your fucking shirt!!!"

Davis Girl: "I'm trying..."

Me: "Here let me help you." (Because two drunk people trying to dress someone in the Impossible Rubik's Cube tank top is totally going to make the process easier.)

6 seconds later...

Boy Roommate: "You have 2 second before I have to roll down this window and talk to a law enforcer and I'm not going to jail because you can't dress yourself the way every 5 year old does every morning."

Davis Girl: "I got it... I got it..." (yeah... she didn't)

The cop came to Boy Roommates window, leaned in and this is what he saw...

I have to give it to her, one side of the shirt was almost put on correctly. The other side however... not so much. Straps were going everywhere and her arm was stuck in one of them so she had to hold her arm up or have that side of the top fall down completely. So the entire time the cop was at Boy Roommate's rolled down window Davis Girl is trying extremely hard to play off the fact that she can't put her arm down by leaning against the window. Yeah... the cop's first question, "Sir, Have you been drinking???"

Boy Roommate: "I swear I haven't, but I can't speak for these two."

Me: (snickersnicker...gigglegiggle)

Davis Girl: (headrub)

The cop was probably at the window for about five minutes. I think he thought it was just as funny. It turned out that Boy Roommate didn't have his lights on fully, but on the fog setting, so the cop just wanted to let him know to turn them up. Right before he was about to get back into his squad car and leave our lives forever, he leaned froward to speak to Davis Girl...

Cop: "Ma'am you really need to put your seat belt on."

Me: "Hahahahahah"

Davis Girl: "Um... Ah... Yes Sir?"

(Now go back a look at the picture. Her right arm and hand are the ones right next to the seat belt, but she can't move those or her top will fall down and the cop will get an eye full of Davis Girl Lady Parts.) Davis Girl then spends the next few seconds trying to reach over her body to find the seat belt that is behind her arm she can't move. OMG Hilarious!!! The cop just chuckled to himself and walked away.


By the way: I swear my life doesn't revolve around tacos.

Second by the way: I have removed the older post about Boyfriend's weird stomach as he let me know the world doesn't need to know about his digestive system. To Boyfriend: I'm very sorry to put your tummy woes on the web and I apologise. Love you."

Eat. PREY. Love...

You know what I hate… Eat. Pray. Love. I don’t know why because I’ve never read the book, but something about it really annoys me. I always kinda just shrug it off when friends bring it up as this great book I should totally read. I know I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, but look at it…


It says, “One woman’s search for everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia”. One woman’s search for everything? I already know she fails. How can you find everything? How do you even measure everything? And everything across three large countries? This book is not thick enough. It would have to be like a Michener on steroids for this woman to find everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia. Oh, and the movie coming out, meh. Julia Roberts is so exhausting. I feel like she over acts every emotion and every thought. Like somewhere in the script it might say, “Julia stares out the window, looks past her reflection, and sighs.” Watching that scene would makes me cringe. I can see and feel the wheels turning in her head thinking, “Do I look sad and pretty. Does it look like my foot is asleep? Can they see the veins in my neck? Do you think they are looking at my old lady hands? I hope they aren’t remembering that one time I didn’t shave my underarms for like five months and then went to an award show in a sleeveless dress.” I’m so over you Julia. I can’t even remember a good creative roll you’ve played in fifteen years. (Okay I just IMDB-ed her and I forgot about Closer and Stepmom. I love Closer. I can only watch it once a year or so, but I love it as much as I love Caddyshack and I probably watch that movie once every two weeks. And, I don’t care how many times I watch Stepmom I love that sad, sad, movie. It gets me every time. You know that scene at the end when Susan Sarandon is dying and she and Julia are talking about the daughter. Susan is upset she will never see her daughter get married and when she does get married she will have Julia at her side. Julia is crying because she knows even though she’ll be there the daughter will be thinking of Susan. OMG giant crocodile tears…)

How to make Eat. Pray. Love. better??? Rename it, Eat. Prey. Love. and the book cover could look something like this…


It’s Jurassic Park meets Notting Hill.