A look into my Email Inbox and "My Bad"...

I know I’ve been a little neglecting of this blog. I know my last post was really written by Boyfriend’s Sister’s Texts to me while I was eating popcorn and laughing at Rodney Dangerfield and Wikapedia. I know I didn’t have a Project Runway recap this week, but really you didn’t miss much and I promise one on Friday. I was sick last week, but that doesn’t really make up for this week’s lack of posts. Trust me I still have a crap load of awkward embarrassing stories, but none of them are inspiring me to sit down and write for three hours just to turn red and pray my parents will still love me after I’ve hit Post.

I am also doing some writing on the side to (and I feel like such an adult typing this) “build my portfolio”. I’m pretty much desperate for some writing jobs so I’ve been applying and searching and everyone wants to see samples of my work before they hire me. Now, I get it. Believe it or not I’m not dumb. I understand that companies want to make sure I will write an excellent 500 words on their Juicer 3001 before they fork over their measly 25$. Okay Juicer Company I’ve never reviewed such an amazing juicer as the one you are selling, but here is an article about Chipotle. I suggest you read “Juicer 3001” instead of “Chipotle Carnitas Burrito”. This is not rocket science… unless you want rocket science and then I can totally rock 1000 words on rocket science.

Then there is the whole “get my name out there”. When I post “Please hire me give me money for my written words” on freelance sites this is what I get back…

Dear Lemon Lady,
We saw your post and we love you and your blog. Like love, love. Like we would literally hump our computers doggie style while reading that post about breakfast tacos, but we wouldn’t be able to see the screen to read your sweet, sweet prose. So, because I’m all obsessed with you in a creepy, creepy way I want you to write for my blog/website/screenplay. You would be perfect because YOU ARE THE BEST WRITER IN THE WORLD*! So email me and we will get together and talk about it and I promise I’m not a psycho killer or anything and we will make an awesome team!!!
Yours Truly,
The Creepster
P.S. I can’t pay you anything. Sorry.
*and I’m paraphrasing here…

I also post “Help me escape from the job I hate and pay me to be a writer” on craigslist and this is what I get in my inbox…

Dear Lemon Lady,
I saw your post on craigslist and I read your blog and thought it was very well written*. I am a softmore at our local university and I am taking an American Studies/History/English (any liberal arts class) class and I was wondering if you could write my papers for me. All my teachers want creative papers and I’m an engineering major and can’t think that way and I need your help. Please say yes. I know one day I will be making double the money you are afraid to leave at the job you hate, but for right now I would need to pay you in beer and Pluckers Free Wings Cards. Will that be a problem? Please let me know ASAP as my first paper is due in two days.
Yours Truly,
Student McStudent
*um, my blog may be a lot of things, but well written… I’m not so sure.

So that’s my inbox in a nut shell. Suck ups who can’t pay me and slackers who are willing to risk getting kicked out of school over a lame paper about Andrew Jackson and the battle of New Orleans. (Which so far out of all the “write my paper” emails, sounded like the most fun as I am a huge Andrew Jackson fan.)

I promise better posts soon.