My Plan For Winning The Lottery...

Lately I’ve been thinking about winning the lottery. (Okay, I should probably cross that out because “lately” is so vague.) I think about winning the lottery ALL THE TIME, and not in a, “hummmm, that looked like a nice car. If I won the lottery I would totally buy one of those.” kinda way. But in a, “Here is my 27 step plan for collecting my money, dishing it out, and how I would live the rest of my suddenly way awesomer life”.

A few years ago I watched a show about lottery spenders who changed their lives for the better and spenders who completely fucked up their lives with all the money. I can’t tell you how much that second group of people pissed me off. I mean really old man you couldn’t think of anything better to do than bring 25,000$ cash into a strip club right off a highway??? I understand your daughter is upset that you were SHOT TO DEATH AND ROBBED, but don’t you think in her mind, deep down, she totally thinks her dad was a complete moron… just a little. Or, there was this guy from Florida who spend all his money collecting ancient Samurai Swords and life size statues of John Belushi who also built his 15 year old son his own house in the back yard. Then he wondered out loud to the camera, “How could my son get so mixed up in drugs he would be in rehab at age 18?” Really dude??? You gave him thousands of dollars in allowance money and his own bachelor pad. How could he not get addicted to meth and cocaine??? It’s just like Mark Price’s house in Germany. The parents of Mark and Jon Price decided it would be a good idea to give their sons pretty much their own house when they moved to Germany. Mark and Jon had the basement apartment all to themselves. It had a living room, two bedrooms, small kitchen, bathroom, and most importantly its own door. Yeah, they could come and go as they pleased and lock their parents out. Now in my 16 year old mind this was the coolest place in the whole wide world. In my 25 year old brain, the one that never wants children and thinks teenagers are creepy, I KNOW THIS IS A BAD IDEA! Hum… what went on at Mark and Jon’s house… Drinking… check. Drugs… check. Fornication (I was going to write “don’t you ever watch Friends” here as an inside joke to Germany people, but then I read it back to myself and I didn’t think other readers would understand that I was talking about the TV show and not just watching my friends have sex…. Awkward.)…check. All of these things happened and we were good kids!!! This Florida son can’t be a well adjusted guy (his dad drinks coffee every morning with his John Belushi statue in the garden). He really had no chance at a normal drug free life.

Watching another show I learned what to do when I find out the lottery Gods have blessed me with the golden ticket. The first thing I will do is put the ticket in a safety deposit box in a bank. This excites me because I’ve never had anything special enough to warrant getting a safety deposit box, but I’ve always wanted to go back behind the large “wheel door” safe thing in the bank I use. (See winning the loto would just make all kinds of dreams come true.) After that I would immediately driving straight to San Antonio to see my parents. On the drive down I would call my mom and completely freak her out that I have something important to tell her and she’s going to need to sit down. Maybe I’m pregnant or on drugs, I haven’t decided which angle I’m going to work, but when I get there I’ll be all somber until my parents can’t stand it any longer. Then I’ll be like, “Surprise bitches I won the lottery!!!!” (Except I won’t say “bitches” so maybe that’s the lingo I’ll use to tell my sister and brother in law instead.) Then we will dance around the room together.

Getting the parents in on my winning secret is a good thing, because I’ll probably need them to recommend a tax attorney to me. See I also learned that you shouldn’t just turn the lottery ticket into the state and collect your money, but get an attorney to set up a trust for you in some random name. In Texas all lottery winners’ names are public record and any ol’ shmuck can look up the name of past winners. I don’t want every dead beat in Texas knocking on my door for hand outs, hence the trust. I’m guessing my parents know a tax lawyer. I mean if anyone I know knows a tax lawyer it would be my parents, since they have money and stuff...

Okay so I’ve now collected my money and it’s in the “Tinkerbelle Trust of Texas” (or something like that) and now I get to dole it out. What sucks here is I’ve already paid a truck load in taxes to just get the money in the first place and now giving it away will cost another truck load. Because of all these silly taxes I’ll need to win at least 50 million originally so I can collect 25 million only to lose another 10 million in taxes giving it to family. I figure I can give at least 5 million out to the family for various houses, debt pay offs, and college funds. Then I can play like I’m Oprah and Santa Clause’s love baby and be all, “Boom you get a house!” “Boom you get 200,000!” “Boom!” “Boom!” “Boom!”

So far none of my friends don’t know anything about my sudden wealth. Boyfriend will be the first to know after all my family. I think I’ll be pretty exhausted after playing Biracial Santa for my family and I’ll surprise Boyfriend with a trip. I can pick him up from work with all our bags packed and take him to the airport and he won’t know what’s going on until he sees the boarding passes that say “Maldives”. Then he’ll go crazy, and I’ll go crazy, and it will be awesome. (I might have to revise this plan and go to the Seychelles if those crazy Somalia Pirates are still around, but it’s no biggy… when you’re rich you can change plans quickly.) Then while we are laying in the white sand or lounging in our hut of over the crystal clear water I will tell him the whole story how I have been a multimillionaire for over a month now and how it has killed me to not be able to tell him. Then, if we are able to go to the Maldives, we will eat dinner at that restaurant that’s completely underwater in a clear tube thing so we can see the fishes and sharks.

Then when get back from out trip…
1. Quit the job, and spend my day doing things I like to do until I figure out what I really want to do.
2. Hire a personal chef.

Yeah, that’s my plan. Soul search and eat well. I would stay in my little rental house until I found something I really loved that I could fix up, or until Boyfriend found land he liked and we could build. I would spend my days learning and taking classes. Classes on how to be a better writer. (First lesson: fragment sentences and too much punctuation) Classes to teach my how to make jewelry (because I like sparkly fun things) and how to weld (because I think it would be so cool to learn to weld). Later on in life Boyfriend and I could travel the world. I really want to go to Machu Picchu and he wants to see Europe and Africa. I have always told Davis Girl if I won we would fly to New York and go shopping, and an old Ann Taylor co-worker of mine and myself made a deal a long time ago that if either of us ever won the lotto we would pay of each other’s Ann Taylor cards. So, I would do that for her. I would tip people really well and buy the cutest fawn Great Dane puppy I could find. Like this one…

I plan on winning the lottery very soon so get your requests in now.