Do y’all remember the story I wrote a while back about burning my left boob with my curling iron and then hanging out with my new boyfriend instead of going to the hospital? Well I always meant to write a second chapter to that tale…
When I was a freshman in college I lived with Wesley and he had a friend named Chris who would come over and hang out at the house. One day Wesley, Chris, Kenny, Robby, and I all went to Jims for breakfast. (Jims being a local 24 hour diner) It was right after Wesley and I began living together so it was nice and hot in the Texas heat and I was wearing a little halter top and shorts.
Anyway, we were seated in a round booth and after we all ordered our food I noticed Chris kept staring at my chest. After a few minutes I totally called him out on it.
Me: “Chris! Stop staring at my boobs!”
Everyone else at the table: “Hahahahahahah!!!”
Chris (turning very red): “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I really am sorry, but are you okay?”
Me: “I’d be a lot better if I knew I could eat in peace without having you droll over my lady lumps.”
Chris: “No, really… What happened?”
Me: “What do you mean what happened? Stop leering at me, man.”
Chris: “Are you okay? (Pointing at my left boob) There I mean. Are you okay?”
Me (looking down): “Oh! You mean my scar?”
Chris: “It looks pretty bad. Did you hurt yourself?”
Wesley: “You never heard the story of Lemon Lady’s scarred boobie?”
Chris: “No. What happened?”
Wesley: “Well this one day in Ger…”
Me: “I HAD A BREAST IMPLANT!”
Wesley, Robby, and Kenny: “snicker snicker…”
Chris: “Oh… wait. Breast implant? Breast? Singular? As in only one?”
Me: “Yes, my left tata just never grew like the other so as a graduation gift my parents paid for me to get one implant to even things out.”
Wesley: “Yeah, and man, she’s kinda self conscience about it, so stop staring and bring it up.”
Chris: “Oh, Lemon Lady. I’m so sorry. I mean I never knew. No one told me. (turning to the other boys) You guys should have told me!”
Three years later when I lived in Austin and that same group of people came to see me and go out downtown, we finally let Chris in on the fact that no, I didn’t have one boob implant and both my breasts are natural. He got angry and threatened to leave the bar unless we fed him large amounts of vodka. We obliged.
OMG I just snorted. That's absolutely fantastic. lol.
ReplyDelete