A Love Letter

Back in August I wrote an adorable little post about an epiphany I had shortly after my first venture into online dating. I wrote how after being shallow and judging men on their photos alone (which to my credit you have to do when online dating) I learned that I definitely have a type. Yup, dudes with sexy, sexy facial hair. Since that post back in August, I have gone on many dates with many dudes who all sported beards. Short and scruffy beards. Long and red beards. Dark beards and trimmed beards. All kinds of fun facial hair have taken me out, bought me beer, made me laugh, made me cringe, not called the next day, texted too many times the next day, lied to me, and just plain not worked out.

Fuck the bearded men. This post is not about them. 

This post is about the loves in my life, and writing them love letters.

Dear Michelle, 

I honestly believe you might know me better than I know myself. Or at least you say to me the things I might be thinking way deep down inside my gut, but I would never admit them out loud. But you say them, and for some crazy reason I really listen. I hope you know that. I value your opinion more than anyone else's. You don't hand out approval just because, which is why when you are happy or sad or frustrated or in some other mood I always know it's real and you're being honest. You are fiercely loyal to me. I've been burned in the past by "best friends" and your loyalty to always being on my side does not go unnoticed. You will stand up for me and defend me and only later when I've calmed down or the other person has left and gone will you rationally talk about what the true confrontation was about. As ridiculous as we think our lives are and can get, you are a great positive and stable force in my life and I only hope I'm that as well for you.

Love,

Elaine

Dear Jennifer,

I know this might sound weird, but I'm so glad that you like me. That's a lie. I'm not just glad that you like me, I'm glad that you've been such a good friend from the very beginning. Two years ago, when my life changed dramatically, you have no idea how good and wonderful it felt that you quickly began to include me in everything. And then is was just this awesome bonus that we also became such good friends. I love that our friendship grew out of so many delicious brunches, and girls' nights with cheese, and Vegas! You are an amazing listener and a rare person who understands the difference between sympathy and empathy. It drives me crazy when people say "I understand" when no, they don't understand because they're not in my position, and you have never done this. I love that you seem to take everything life throws at you like a challenge. Anything! It could be to find the best cheese plate in town or make a serious life decision about jobs or relationships and FUCK - you're going to do it and do it well!

Love,

Elaine

Dear Sarah,

You are like my second sister. Expect without the children - thank God. :) I think it was the whole living together thing. I mean if you can look past the faults we all show as roommates and still want to be best friends with me, that's pretty awesome. You are such a loving and giving friend. You are the one that is always there to help with my dog, or when I'm broke, or when I need a ride somewhere at 4AM. You will help until you have nothing else to give or say or do and I hope I'm the same type of friend to you. Also, I mean you're effing SARAH FROM TEJAS!!! How could I not adore you? You are the most fun ever! Whether is sitting braless on your couch drinking wine and watching the Investigation Channel or getting fancy and partying it up somewhere, I always want to be around you. When life sucks you are there for me to make me laugh. When life is awesome, you are still there for me to make me laugh. As much as I look back on my job at Pet Relocation and shutter, I can't completely hate them because I'm so glad that we met and you came with me to that boat party and that we've been besties ever since.

Love,

Elaine

There are so many other amazing women in my life, beyond these three who I spend most my time with.

Adrianne - I adore and envy your complete sense of self and the way you embrace being a smart sophisticated women and completely immature. Nothing makes me laugh more than watching your eyes light up when talking about a new fast food treat or a joke that usually only an 8 year old boy would laugh at.
Maria - Thank you for being my oldest friend. It's weird because we have grown apart in the years, and yet now I think we are even more honest with each other. It's like (and I can't believe I'm about to say this) we've become adults together. I will never not value your input as one of the smartest people I know.
Lyndsey - You amaze me. You have grown so much over the many years we have been friends. Now that you don't live in Texas, it's like every time I see you, you are a better version of yourself. Much like Jen, I'm in awe of your ability to set your mind to something and chase after it. Central Market and wine nights with the girls are just not the same without you.

Just writing this has been extremely therapeutic. It's been an odd few months for me. This past summer I decided I was ready for a relationship again, and (just like any thing in my life) once I made up my mind about something I was not going to stop until I obtained my goal - even if that goal was huge, like falling in love. I haven't succeeded. Yet, at some point I have to stop and take a step back. My life is pretty fucking awesome. I have a great job. I have a good house. My dog is adorable and I love him. My family will always support me. And my friends are amazing. Seriously, I've waited my entire life to have friends like I do now. I might not have someone to come home to every night (well besides George Michael) but I would not give up the intense love I feel from my friends for the love of some guy with a beard. Not ever.

Online Dating Leads to New Love

(Michelle – this is for you)

A question I’ve gotten a lot since becoming single is, “What is your type?”. It’s like every person thinks I’m going to say, “tall, dark, and handsome” and then they will pretend to think for a moment and all of the sudden have a great idea to set me up with their roommate’s boyfriend’s cousin and we will live happily ever after. My problem is for my type has never been about looks.

I know this sounds weird, but hear me out...

People say there has to be a physical attraction between two people for it work out. For love, and definitely lust, you need to be able to stare at your partner across the table and want to put your tongue down their throat. (I know, so romantic.) I completely agree with this just in a roundabout way. I have to be attracted to their personality first. I have to have shared a laugh and a funny story first. Then I’ll notice their eyes and think, “yup, he’s cute. I could make out with him”. I have never been the girl that notices a guy on the other side of the bar or party or classroom and says to her friends, "He's super hot I'm going to go make this happen". I'm the girl that all of the sudden notices that X friend is really cute because they spent the last ten minutes talking about backpacking through Alaska and then made a really corny joke about salmon.

For my entire life my type has been the following...

1. Has to be a little weird

2. Has to be extremely passionate about a few things in life (like obsessively so)

3. Needs to be so personable that he could make friends with a brick wall if need be

Seriously, ALL of my boyfriends have shared those personality traits. However, looks wise... they have all looked very different.

So where am I going with this?

Recently I started online dating.

What has been tricky with me and this new venture into true love over the interwebz is everything is based off of looks first and foremost. One site I’m on is only photos. You can see 5 photos of a person and if you have any common interests on Facebook. Based on those photos you say “yes” or “no” to them. If you have said “yes” and they have also said “yes” (to photos of you) then you have the option to chat with them. It’s literally the adult version of “Hot or Not”. The other site is more traditional and there are questions to answer about yourself so you can learn things like what movies and books they like and what they like to do on a Friday night. But, even on this site all you see at first is their photo, so you have to decide based on looks to decide to click on their profile and take time out of your day to learn more about them.

Okay so here is my big reveal. What I’ve learned from shallow online dating...

I fucking LOVE me some beards!

OMG! Swooning over here...

Seriously they are so sexy. Oh, you’re a candlestick maker who doesn't even own a TV but you have a beard like The Most Interesting Man in the World when he was 30. Yes! I love you. Please message me so we can meet, fall in love, and make adorable woodsy hipster babies. (except not really because y’all know how I feel about babies)

And it’s not a specific type of beard either. I love them all. Short. Long. Brown. Blonde. Even red. I know... I even love a ginger beard.

If you are interested in following my obsession, feel free to follow my “Sexy, Sexy Beards” board on Pinterest. Oh yeah, it’s real and amazing. Pinterest used to be for cute apartment decorating ideas. Not anymore. It’s pretty much turned into beard porn for me. 

Yes, you read that right... BEARD PORN. I'm sure my parents are so proud of me.

I had no idea. I truly didn’t know my type before this experiment into dating via the web. I can now look my friends in the eye and say, “If you would like to set me up with your roommate’s boyfriend’s cousin, please make sure they have a fabulous beard. Extra points if they also wear a lot of flannel and can chop me some firewood.”

None of my past boyfriends have had beards. I need to make this happen. I think it’s got to do with being manly. I want a manly dude. I want someone that works with their hands and has a beard. I want someone that camps in the woods and can fish and make a fire without matches while sporting a fabulous beard. I want someone who cooks and swims in rivers with their beard. I want someone who owns books and can play an instrument and who isn’t afraid to sing while boycotting razors.

I’m taking applications if you know of anyone who fits these criteria. Please send beard photos first.

For you're viewing pleasure...

http://beardedmeninknittedthings.tumblr.com/page/15
http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/23-reasons-bearded-men-are-better
http://pinterest.com/elainehaygood/sexy-sexy-beards/

30 Signs You're Almost 30 (My response to BuzzFeed's List)

In case you’ve been living under a rock or trapped in some freaky guys basement, BuzzFeed did at list of 30 Signs You’re Almost 30. Now trust me, I LOVE me some BuzzFeed lists. Like I’ll read any of them. Dumbest Shirts At a Glenn Beck Rally? Read it.13 Punctuation Marks You Never Knew Existed? I know they exist now! But I have to say I don’t think BuzzFeed got this one right at least not all right.

Here is my list of 30 Signs You’re Almost 30.

1. You wonder if wearing pig tails outside of your house makes you look cute or just like that creepy old lady who is trying to fit in with the kids.

2.  Instead of drunken party photos, your Facebook friends are all about the baby pics. (I’m keeping this one because yes, my “Facebook Friends” are all about the baby pics. My actual friends though... we fucking LOVE us a good drunken photo.

3. At some point on a Sunday while drinking Bloody Mary’s and Mimosas to overcome your hangover one of your friends will suggest you sign up for the Color Run or Zombie Run or Drill Sergeant, Obstacle Course, Some Scary Man Will Yell At You Every Four Minutes But It Will Be Awesome Because You’ll Get a Free T Shirt Run.

4. You get so excited for nostalgic concerts like The BackStreet Boys or New Kids on the Block that you won’t even care you’re there with a bunch of fat housewives who chat about the new skinny queso dip they pinned on Pinterest and how far away they had to park in between songs.

5. You start a story with “When I was in college and super skinny...” and realize that was 10 years ago and maybe it’s time to forgive your metabolism for skipping out on you and give up drinking so many calories.

6. You idolize the movie Bridesmaids because fuck all those engaged happy people and you’re pretty sure that if Kristen Wiig knew you, y’all would be best friends.

7. You pick bars that have good seating and wear flats when you “go out” on the weekends.

8. You completely understand the frustration between not making enough money and how much job hunting blows.

9. You've learned the art of preparing for things. Going out on Friday night? Make sure you have cleared a path from your front door to your bed to your toilet. Invited to a baby shower? Fill small flask with vodka and hide in purse. Meeting ex-boyfriend from college for civilized lunch? Wear sluttiest day dress possible and Spanks and (of course) be completely fabulous.

10. You always read the book before the movie.

11. That old Friends episode about how Monica, Ross, and Chandler had plenty of money for a fancy birthday dinner and Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe were so broke they had to share side salads resonates with you every weekend. Seriously! You’re buying a house and I can’t afford $2.50 beer night?

12. You have a dog and you think he/she is your baby. Like you vaginally birthed a furry, smooched face pug.

13. You’ve started planning your vacations around your airline and hotel points.

14. Who the fuck is AnnaSophia Robb?!?! Her name is Sarah Jessica Parker! Duh!

15. You definitely lost the enzyme that lets you digest Taco Bell (true statement Buzzfeed) and also the enzyme that helps with copious amounts of alcohol consumption.

16. You will never understand the appeal of New Direction.

17. You've said no to going out because you’ve already taken your bra off, your dog is being all snugly, there is an America’s Next Top Model marathon on TV, and you've just decided doing things after 5 on a Friday is really hard...

18. You’ve experienced the dreaded TWO DAY hangover - This totally exists. And if beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy, the TWO DAY hangover is proof Satan is a sick mother fucker.

19.  You realize your parents were your age (or younger!) when they had you, and you kinda feel bad for them.

20. You start judging yourself as your number gets bigger and bigger.

21. Your mouth falls open when you hear that people born in the 1990s can now legally drink. THE 90s!!!

22. You get really angry when you go into stores like Forever21 and American Eagle because you have to buy size 12 pants instead of a 6. I mean I already feel kinda creepy shopping at a store at wants to arrest my growth at age 21, but I’m not an XL just because I have boobs!

23. Your parents have stopped helping you buy expensive purchases like furniture and computers.

24. You’ve started actually taking off your makeup every night and have started reading and thinking about neck creams and eye wrinkle reducers.

25. You know that Club Soda has less calories than Tonic Water.

26. When you get a bonus at work your immediate happiness is muffled by that nagging voice in the back of your head that says, “put this in your savings account/pay off your students loans and credit cards instead of running out and buying a new pair of Frye boots.” Damn that voice. She sounds a lot like my mom...

27. You routinely fall asleep at parties.

28. You’ve stopped fantasizing about having a “grown up” job and started daydreaming about winning the lottery.

29. Men are still boys and they say dumb, inappropriate things.

30. Emma Stone sums it all up...

Oh, and here is the link to the original BuzzFeed in case you'd like to compare... http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/30-signs-youre-almost-30  

Michelle Gets All Creative

Sometimes it’s just great to spend the day with a friend. I’ve been friends with Michelle (LSU Friend) for... like 7 years??? and I still never get tired of just doing mundane things with her. That might sound weird, so let me explain... I have a blast with this girl when we go all out. Super dressy New Years Eve parties, road trips to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and Mexican drunk fests are always great. At the same time we can run errands together to HEB, Target, and the dry cleaners and I still have a great time. Sometimes you just meet people who you are comfortable with and Michelle is one of those people to me. I love her because she is no nonsense. Girl tells you like it is. If I’m being loud and obnoxious she lets me know I might want to bring it down to an 8. If you bring your friend from middle school out to the bars with your other friends, she takes him aside and says, “Look dude, she isn’t into you and you’re not getting lucky tonight”, when Kevin and I broke up she was the first person to look me in the eyes and tell me that I was being brave and she was proud of me.

Girl is pretty awesome.

Anyway, last Saturday was a great day and to start it off I got to spend the morning with Michelle. To start the day she accompanied me on a search for a new place to live. House hunting seems to be a tradition for us. (Do y’all remember the creepy cockroach story?) After finding a great new place (more on that later) we decided to waste time shopping for things we can’t afford at Anthropologie and West Elm and then splitting a cheese plate and burger at 24 Dinner because if you’re going to get fat, you might as well do it with your friends. Beside my fab new house that I found. Going to West Elm and watching Michelle and David make a terrarium for Michelle was the highlight of my day.

Let me explain...  

This is West Elm

West Elm is like the cool urban version of Pottery Barn - seriously they’re own by the same company. Our super awesome buddy David works there so of course we had to go see him and make him show us pretty furniture we can’t afford and bother him for a while. After catching up and commenting on all of David’s Burberry... accoutrement, David showed is this...

It’s the make your own terrarium station. So a random nook in your house can look like this...

So, ovbi Michelle had to make one.

And, obvi I had to document it.

Okay, so first David had Michelle and I search the store to find the perfect planter and succulents while he went and actually did a few minutes of work. West Elm had a pretty good selection of both. Planters were as cheap as 12$ and the succulents started at 7.50$. Michelle picked a cute fishbowl like planter that would be a great size for her dresser and two cute plants.

First David filled the bottom of the planter with gravel and then Michelle added a thick layer of dirt for Spike and Sofia (her plants names) to nest snugly in. As you can see making a terrarium is super fun!

After the gravel and dirt, West Elm provides a fabulous assortment of stones, rocks, sand, and different color mosses to make your terrarium pretty and "natural" looking. Oh, and the paint brushes are for brushing any dirt of your plants in case they dirty during the process. Isn't that nice?

Look how good it's looking. After a few more additions, Michelle's terrarium is done!

Here's the final product...

Yay for Michelle being all artsy! I'm not quite sure how long West Elm will have the terrarium making station available in their stores, so if you're interested in making your own I would go sooner rather than later. It seems like a pretty good deal because you only purchase the plants and planter. West Elm provides, dirt, gravel, stones, sand, and moss all in store for free. Plus you can get an awesome manager like David to help. :)

Introducting the Honda OBVI!

(this is for Michelle and Bennie...)

Introducting the NEW and AWESOME and TOTES AMAZING Honda OBVI!

 

Let's learn a little more about it shall we? Michelle and Bennie take it away!

Tune in next week when Michelle and Bennie give us a sneak peak at the NEW Honda TOTES OBVI. The TOTES OBVI will totes obvi tote all your family's shit totes everywhere!

Camping!

Last Friday I packed a small bag full of sweatshirts and sweatpants and a large cooler full of vodka and tequila, lifted and shoved my giant dog in the car, picked up a friend and what seemed like half REI’s camping equipment and heading to Georgetown Lake for some outdoor loving, outdoor sleeping, and a lot of outdoor drinking.


Camping

I learned A LOT this past weekend…

1. Always camp with multiple Eagle Scouts. Seriously, need an axe? Oh, Matt has one. Need an amazing Pot Roast made for dinner, Sean’s got it. Eagle Scouts at the campsite – winning all around.

2. Cold means cold. On Friday when we arrived at the park it was 95 degrees. I was in shorts and a tank top and flip flops and I was hot as shit unpacking the car. I knew it was supposed to get colder the next day, so I packed some warmer clothes, but at 4PM on Friday I could not fathom what “cold” meant. Wait, I take that back… I could fathom “cold” because my beer was cold, very cold, and it tasted delicious. I could not imagine or remember what “being cold” felt like. That was until I woke up on Saturday morning and the temperature had dropped to the low 60s. Okay, and I know what a lot of you are thinking, “low 60s – not that cold”, but I live in Texas. Low 60s, damp, and overcast equals really freaking cold. I wore two pairs of pants all weekend, and wouldn’t put my gross, kinda static-y hair a ponytail because it was keeping my neck warm.

3. Jennifer looks adorable when camping.

4. Sarah and I – not so much.

5. For some reason the toilets at the campsite were really high off the ground. So high that when I sat down my feet didn’t touch the ground and I felt like I was five. It was weird. Not quite as weird as Friday night when, even after careful instructions given by Sarah, I couldn’t successfully pee in the bushes.

6. Next time when camping, always bring double the Bloody Mary mix. After running out of Zing Zang on the first morning Sarah improvised by serving Sean, Courtney, and me the following drinks…

Vodka rocks with a hint of tomato

Vodka rocks with essence of tomato

Vodka rocks de la petit tomato

Seriously, a lot of Vodka for 9AM.

7. When camping the menu should always include pot roast, breakfast tacos, beef fajitas, and penis pancakes.

8. No one believes you when you say you’re going to take a nap and then actually take a nap.

9. The best thing to wake up from said nap hearing, “panty bottoms”.

10. Evidently Philip does “stuff” in his sleeping bag.

11. When you spend the night roasting marshmallows and then go to bed (or pass out) without washing your hands you will wake up with what seems like dirt cemented to your fingers. It will then take you three hours to realize the dirt is there because you couldn’t stop playing with your roasted mallows and/or feeding them to your dog.

12. George Michael isn’t very “outdoorsy”. I gave him 30 minutes before he was bleeding, but it was more like 10. (from his foot – nothing serious) He had a whole lot of fun playing with Reba and Wink (Courtney’s 7 month old Boxer), but didn’t quite understand why Leo, Remi, and Mia (Puggle, Beagle, and Pug) wanted nothing to do with him. Also, he got really cold at night and shivered in the dark because he didn’t like the camp fire. When we were packing up on Sunday afternoon he stood at the end of his lead crying and crying because he didn’t want to be left behind. He’s been sleeping ever since.

13. Wink gets a little freaked out when she is left in the tent by herself. So freaked out that she jumps through the screened window, because it’s scary in the tent by herself.

14. It’s hard to catch fish when a super excited Muppet named Reba is running, jumping, and swimming in the water you are casting your fishing line in.

15. I know I’ve said this a lot lately, but I have amazing friends. Amazing friends that set up an entire weekend of outdoor fun and then don’t let me put in money for the tent site and food because I’m unemployed and once upon a time that friend was unemployed as well and people were really nice to him. Thanks Jen for organizing everything, just like you always do, this past weekend was great and perfect and I had a blast. Thanks Sean for passing on the karma by paying for me.

Philip and George Michael standing gaurd of the all the chairs

Food, a Pug, and Drinking Games

Sleepy Mia

Sleepy George Michael and Wink

"Don't ride him... lots of people try to ride him"

Sean making yummy, yummy food

Edna doing what we do best

(Thanks for letting me steal the photos.)